The main protagonist has taken the mom in with mental issues. His son goes missing and mom decides to make tea, then drops the whole tray. The whole family has to attend to this as she's weeping and saying, "Oh, it's a mistake that you took me in, blah blah, while meanwhile dad is trying to figure out where his missing minor son is.
It's so much what I see here, that gaslighting.
That was the major thing, not Mom trying to bring in tea, dropping it, and then IMMEDIATELY going to how "BOO HOO I know you think this was SUCH a mistake to have me here." Total emotional validation cookie, that's the most important thing to GRANDMA at the time.
Did you watch the epi? The whining from her? The not-so-subtle event to shift things to where it's not about this minor kid but about HER feelings and the problem SHE immediately caused?
It seemed immediately realistic based on the stories I read here.
So, first, the Mom didn't have to inject herself by doing something that was almost sure to result in an accident. Once that happened, she immediately went into trying to make it all about her by proxy. This is what the "Oh, it's MY fault, blah blah blah" is all about, she is counting on the family to reinforce that she's valued by placing a higher burden on them. If she were able to do this in the first place, you'd expect her to be on her own hands and knees or at least attempting to instead of going to the instant emotional whine about how SHE needed to be validated right then.
Second, at least one and possibly more than one of the theypresent children--all but the minor--might not be home for anything but the holidays. A couple of them I believe were Ivy-league educated (i.e. Columbia or "Hudson U" as it was referred to, so presumably they'd be the most apt to move on with their own lives as their peers presumably have. The dad is supposed to be this big undercover cop, and the story would realistically collapse if he could not fulfill this role, and realistically, his kids should not be expected to help with grandma now that mom is dead.
It could be an interesting story arc to see how this unfolds, but we all know what happens.
Grandma Bernie should never have been taken in, as that will potentially force at least one of the grandkids--whose decision it wasn't--to do what Dad can't do given Dad's schedule. Her whining about "being a burden" is especially classic as she absolutely recognizes she IS one, but just wants people to say that she is not.
Once, just once, I'd like a depiction of a senior saying that they've decided independently that they would like help with being placed in an AL.
But she wouldn't have even been in the picture had she not been taken in. She had a beach house on the shore last time we saw her, correct?
Stabler's kids are grown except Eli, but Stabler's expecting them to all babysit. Did you see that "get her down from there" line he said to his multiple children? She didn't have sense to not be in that position and then when she messes up, she doesn't just fish for sympathy, she demands it, even as Stabler is dealing with a kid who for all he knows might be dead. Because that's what people like Bernie do, despite their condition. They always demand it.
Plus, Stabler's relationship with Bernie (the mom) was historically not the best, as has been acknowledged.
For once, I'd like acknowledgment of what the correct thing to do was and is. Which is that Stabler and Bernie needed to figure what would happen next instead of figuring that one of the 20-somethings or even the minor Eli would want to take this on indefinitely, and that she's making it any better by attempting to fish sympathy points at exactly the wrong moments.
Even though the show is fiction, it's totally relevant to so many people's situations here on the forum.
The narcissistic elder that is a real burden to everyone and an absolute pain in the a$$ who has to be told repeatedly that they're not. We all know that senior fictional or not.
The soothing of the elder's ego and validating them has to be the top priority of every person around them. It must take priority even over a missing child.
So many of totally relate to this. Myself personally, I've never validated an elder in my life when they're sitting up on the pity pot, and I never will. Any time a senior whether on my service or not has said the words, 'I don't want to be a burden to my family' my response has always been, 'then don't be one'. Usually not what the elder is expecting to hear, but the truth is always best.
The scene described from L&O, to me, is more an example of wallowing in self-pity; perhaps narcissism. I don't really see how it falls under gaslighting, though.
Maybe someone can explain a better definition of the term. It's actually not the first time I've seen that expression used on this forum in a situation that has led me to scratch my head...
The tray dropping incident wasn't even Grandma Bernie's fault. But her emotional wailing afterward is. They're all worried about this missing child and she picks THIS MOMENT to talk about how she's a burden, oh no, she's not wanted?
Sound familiar to anyone? How everything is emergent especially if it's ALL ABOUT THEM? I did think so, which is why I brought it up.
Good reply. I just might borrow it.
Feel free to borrow it any and every time you need it. Sometimes I have to add a bit of an explanation with it though.
I couldn't tell you how many countless elders I've said this to. That they're not a burden because they need help around the house, or with personal care, or running errands like shopping or a doctor's appointment.
The "burden" is the narcissism. It's the assuming that the family will simply be "voluntold" that they are the old-age care plan. It's the expectation that family will simply accept their new life in nanny-slavery with joy in their hearts and smiles on their faces. It's the instigating and trouble making for sport. It's the endless complaining. It's the stubbornness that often crosses over to dangerous absurdity. It's the orneriness over nothing and the "performances" (such things as a totally unnecessary trip to the ER because to make sure you miss out on something you've been looking forward to). It's the sense of entitlement like the whole world owes them simply because they were lucky enough to not die young and were able to become elderly. It's the cheapness (even when they have money) and unwillingness to pay the actual price for what things cost. It's overdoing the neediness unnecessarily. Everyone here knows what I mean. So many seniors like children will behave as if they are incapable of the slightest independence and can't do anything for themselves. Not because they actually are, but because they want to be catered to and waited upon by acting like helpless infants. Then they resent it when people treat them like helpless infants. When this behavior doesn't achieve the desired outcome, they evolve to being a "senior brat" and a whole new kind of attention-seeking tantrums start up.
This is what makes our dear elderly loved ones a "burden".
So, because I disagree with the OP on the terminology she uses to describe a scene from a FICTIONAL TV SHOW - not something that happened to her, directly, but something she saw on a FICTIONAL TV SHOW - I suddenly have no empathy??!!?? I don't think there is anything in my post that chastises the OP, or makes it sound as though I don't think she is carrying a heavy burden; I just didn't think that scene from this FICTIONAL TV SHOW described "gaslighting".
How on Earth do you get the idea from that one post of mine that I am not empathetic? I'm really, genuinely curious how you made that leap.
Mom had a place on an actual beach off Long Island, nice pension and all, but five years later he just "takes her in" assuming his still-at-home adult children will "help" while he is working. The son (major protagonist) left partially because her bipolar behaviors were not under control, but yet now he's taken her in, because old.
The SVU franchise sometimes goes into family arcs. I'd like to see one where she graduates to getting a nice AL apartment. It could be asking too much, I know, but even this short sequence was very realistic.
I'm pretty sure the "Non-empathetic" b*tch-slap had my name on it and I really don't care if it did.
Everyone knows I did elder homecare for a very long time both as a job and as family caregiver (I'm still doing that) and I always speak from experience. Anyone who has ever been a caregiver to an elder knows what a "senior brat" is. If they were a manipulative, selfish, gaslighting abusive narcissist when they weren't old, well God help the poor person who has to take responsibility for them in their old age.
Dawn007,
I get where you're coming from about gaslighting in the medical profession. It's disgraceful. No family should ever have to make it their life's work to stay on top of everything in the care facility or hospital their loved one is in every moment of the day. Sadly, we do have to because that's pretty much the healthcare system for the elderly and family has to do the advocating on behalf of their own.
There has never been a nurse, social worker, or other healthcare professional who has ever gotten away with rolling an eye, placating, or making a snotty retort to me. When dealing with these people you can't get mad and lose your temper. I never do. I will have straight answers though. Or I will get the bit between my teeth and not let it go until someone loses a job. It's a shame what people have to do just to make sure their elderly are being decently cared for. The fact that a care facility or hospital is collecting a king's ransom for that person's care does not guarantee decent care.
Insofar as an example of TV character elders gaslighting, the character of Livia Soprano on The Sopranos often does it throughout the show. Nancy Marchand did some job in that role, to the point it's often painful to watch.