For all of you who wrote me answers over the past year, thank you. Yes, I heard many of you say that the problem was me and I needed to get over my mother. I heard call the police. I heard pick a place for her. Finally, many questioned her hotel savvy.
In short: Yes, it is possible the problem could be me. Second, I think it is more complex than anyone can understand.
1. I've called police 3 times. They say she can function and can't baker act.
2. For those who say cut ties and she'll stop and get care once I stop - you are completely wrong. She has found my work address. Emails hourly from different emails. Blocked. I've closed to accounts. She's found my unlisted home phone number. She's found my business, where my husband works. It's non-stop.
3. Spoke with hotel manager yesterday, they want her out. She demands so much. She is stuck on me and her brother (who I last saw in 1995).
4. Yesterday, she did a threat "if you don't come get me, I'll contact all of your business colleagues and clients." I manage a global network of hundreds of women. I blocked her on LinkedIn 10 years ago. However, she can still see who likes posts and reach out. This is what she did to her boyfriend 20 years ago and why I was always afraid of her. I can't deal with a terrorist or blackmailer. I called police.
5. For the poster who understood she is in a loop, feeding herself a story that I am the only one who can save her, she's right. She is convinced that she needs to be with me or her brother. (btw, I did call her brother - who I hadn't spoken with in 30 years and who had also been called by the rabbi - and I don't think he should take her in either - done that/disaster). However, I can't get her if she won't go anywhere. She won't live in a place in CA for the poster who suggested that. She will only accept being up the street from me in a hotel and having me care for her. She has indicated she is more important than the business I built. I need to nurse her to health, take her to doctors, get her to eat again, walk with her, do yoga with her, watch tv with her. She won't go to a place I pick in Florida. She would still harass. She has funds - she just won't spend her small funds. Cutting her off leads to more threats. She says she doesn't want to be here that long - just until she gets better. But - I've been afraid to take the risk because while I could do it for a couple weeks if it would solve anything, I can't do it for life.
6. For those who say, tell her once I am not responsible - we've tried that.
She is totally obsessed with me. She's in a loop and convinced I'm the answer.
7. She will take one thing - yesterday she did say she would go to Israel, but it's too expensive. nothing under 10k/month there. Find her a place in Israel.
8. Currently she is managing at the hotel in Florida for $90/night. Yes, the hotel manager confirmed that she has used a family/friends discount. She lived in hotels for 10+ years, made some friends and has savvy.
9 How do I get her out of her loop and obsession with me?
Her birthday is in August. If we go to Florida (why are we crazy enough to do that for her - we are in damage control mode only).
10. I've also sent a note to my building to not allow her in. She keeps sending emails with her ticket itinerary and asks if we will be picking her up at the airport.
We've told her a hundred times that we will help as soon as she can write a decent email or write "I'll try." I can't get her to write "I'll try." I can't get her to do anything. So, back to the majority of posters, who say, I'm the problem. Change myself. But - she is still threatening my family and I don't know what crazy thing she will do next.
What can she possibly do if she contacts your business associates? Business is business. If you provide a good or service for a fair price, what would it matter if she contacted every single one of your clients and told them you were treating her (your mother) badly?
For example: I have a contractor I have used for years. He does outstanding work. I trust him completely when it comes to my house. If I were to get some random e-mail or other message from a complete and total stranger telling me 1) she was his mother and 2) he is refusing to take care of/treating her badly/etc. I would first think "who is this nut job?"; my second thought would be "this so doesn't sound like the Tony I know" and thirdly "what does this have to do with me hiring him as my contractor?"
Might you have a very few clients who would be totally offended by the fact that you are refusing to take care of your mentally ill mother (who would clearly be better off in institutionalized care where she can get treatment for her mental illness, I might add) and cut business dealings with you? Possibly, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say those potentially very few clients were unhappy with your business already - for whatever reason - and looking for an excuse to make a change. If the majority of the people for whom you provide a good/service are content with you and your business model, I can't very well see them "rocking the boat" and abandoning your business on the word of some totally random stranger whom they don't know. It would be like cutting ties over some bad review on yelp. In business, it's the bottom line that matters, not some family dispute between vendors with whom someone might have business dealings.
As I said to a different poster, if you want to be done with mom, THEN BE DONE WITH MOM. Stop making excuses - either to us or to yourself - why that's impossible to do. It's not. It might be uncomfortable; you might have some hardships going through it; but it certainly can be done.
You need to decide if you're willing to go down this path. You can't have it both ways. She's either a stalker that you have a strong boundary against, or you continue to pander to her by teller her you'll try to help her. Pick one and live with it. So sorry you're in this situation... it sucks.
Tell the hotel to call Adult Protective Services.
Have your lawyer send her a cease and desist letter. Have lawyer tell her that legal action will occur if she harms your business.
Have you read Never Simple by Liz Scheier? Another nice Jewish girl tortured by her BPD mother.
This also means that you will have to stop giving your mother money. You can't financially support your stalker.
Either you do this or have your mother continue to ruin your life. The ball is now in your court and you either need to play hardball or move your mother into your house and allow her to finish consuming you like the parasite she is.
Wow! Not a single thing has changed in your situation.
I am not discounting your pain. I know that you are in agony over this but you don’t have to be.
Cutting someone out of your life means:
Stop giving her money
Stop reading her emails
Stop answering the phone or listening to voicemails
Use the delete button
Stop trying to reason with your mentally ill mother
Call the police if she shows up
Make an appointment with a good therapist for you and your husband!
Your mom missed her calling in life. She’s a great detective. She is also an award winning actress!
Follow your mom’s ex rabbi’s lead and ditch her!
And no trip to Israel for her. Stop fueling her fantasies of going to this place or that place. Nothing will satisfy this hungry soul.
Do not go to Florida for her birthday either.
Stop giving her the power to control your actions and thoughts.
Stop giving her real estate in your head.
Stop sending her money.
Just STOP.
If you can't stop, then go back to therapy.
I would say that your situation is so bad that you should try hypnosis but I really don’t know enough about hypnosis. I only know one person, a coworker who had hypnosis to quit smoking. She was able to quit. She couldn’t even be around a smoking bbq pit anymore!
Stop paying for things, stop trying to get her to move near you.
As I said before, I think that I am watching soap opera unfold.
This is all crazy!
Mother, you had me but I never had you
(refrain)
I wanted you but you didn’t want me
(verse two)
So, I Just got to tell you
Goodbye, Goodbye
John Lennon wrote these words many years ago. The title of the song is ‘Mother.’
It’s a heart wrenching song. Lennon was always my favorite Beatle.
He was abandoned by his mother and father as an infant. He went through therapy as an adult and made peace with his past.
I know that you were abandoned by your mother as a young child. Find a way to heal from the past and present pain in your life.
No one here can force you to do anything. We have given you the same advice a million times over.
You are the only one that can turn this around. You have a husband who loves you. You have a son who is approaching adulthood. You have your own business. You live in one of the most beautiful cities.
Yet, you are miserable. All because of one person. A woman who gave birth to you, but has never truly been a mother to you. Let her go.
I am all for healing and reconciliation when it is possible. In your case, it isn’t possible and I am so sorry for that.
You have said that you don’t even love her anymore, so why does she have such a stronghold on your life?
Don’t even try to tell us that she is a threat, because we don’t believe that. You are harming yourself more than she could ever harm you by allowing her to destroy your life.
Read Lennon’s second verse, Say, his words ‘Goodbye, Goodbye’ and be done with her for once and for all!
The same for posters here. Guys, OP has OCD. You can’t reason with OP. You’re not going to get anywhere.
This is more than OCD.
She was treated for that. She took meds a long ago and had therapy for her OCD.
She still uses her old screen name like I still use NeedHelpWithMom and my mom has been dead since 2021.
It can be treated though and she has said in prior posts that she has her OCD under control.
I hate that she has lived in misery for so long. Especially, since she is married, has a son and running a business.
“she has said in prior posts that she has her OCD under control.”
It’s not under control. It’s totally out of control. Just because someone says something is “under control”, doesn’t mean it is.
Well, I was going by what she has said.
It’s just so sad.
My neighbor across the street from me has OCD so badly that she cleans before her housekeeper arrives and after she leaves. It drives her husband insane!
When I place my empty glass in her sink, she picks it up and wipes out the sink and immediately puts the glass into the dishwasher.
It's heartbreaking to say the least that you continue to choose to be a part of her nonsense and her life.
And I don't mean to sound mean when I say this, but as crazy as the woman who gave you birth sounds with all she does, you my dear are even more crazy than she is for allowing her in your life and for not cutting her off once and for all.
And that is just really really sad.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE get the much needed help that you need so you can once and for all move on and away from the toxic person who gave you birth, and start setting better examples for your own child so they know what healthy boundaries look like.
You won't petition the court for a restraining order though. Your boss and your husband's can even petition the court for a restraining order as well (harassing their businesses). I'm sure if both you and your husband explained the situation to your perspective bosses they would be more than happy to get a restraining order against her.
Yet, you won't do that.
You don't want anymore to do with her.
Yet you're speaking to hotel managers for her. Yet you're making plans that you may go to Florida for her birthday.
She's not the one in an obsession loop. You are.
Send an email to every single "business" and work contact you have and tell them that your elderly mother who is seriously mentally ill but somehow is also a tech genius and has gotten a hold of all your professional contacts and is trying to destroy your career. Go to the FBI and tell them that you're dealing with a blackmailer and a terrorist. I'm pretty confident that they will take such a threat seriously.
You won't even show these threatening emails to the local police.
For someone who supposedly wants a crazy and dangerous person out of their life, you really aren't willing to do very much to make that happen.
Every time you receive a "threat" from her, you respond and won't just delete that email or hang up the phone.
That is because you want to play her games because somem part of you enjoys it. You are the one who is obsessed with her.
Why do you come here to complain?
That is exactly what you do. Complain.
You won't take any of the advice anyone here. You will not implement and try any of the practical and workable solutions that people have given you.
You will refute every point and have two counterpoints ready for anyone who suggests ways that can help your situation.
No one can help you because you don't want help. You don't want the situation with your mother to be resolved because you enjoy playing her games. You also enjoy the complaining about it too.
Good luck with you and your mother. I hope your husband is a good man who isn't going to walk away because he gets tired of your games.
That is exactly what you do. Complain.”
Why?
Because OP is OCD-obsessed. You can’t reason someone out of their obsession. You can’t reason with OP. OCD obsessions don’t go away, even with medicine.
By the way: all of us (even if not OCD) can get “obsessed”, falling into a loop, our minds going round and round (whatever the topic is). Let’s all be careful of avoiding loops!…It happens especially when one is stressed and there are no easy solutions to the problem we’re facing.
That is how you should handle this situation.
This group is for caregivers to support other caregivers. It is a place of learning for people who are new to caregiving or who need advice from folks who have been there and who know what they're talking about.
This forum is not an OCD support group. It's not an autism support group, or a support group for care recipients to complain about their caregivers.
It's supposed to be for caregivers to get advice, have a safe space to talk, and learn from other caregivers.
The OP should find an OCD support group to complain to. This is not one.
Perfect answer! She would never be as generous with someone unrelated to her!
Plus, when you think about it, how long has it been since this woman was actually a ‘mother’ to OCD?
Her mom left her when she was a young girl.
OCD has said that she isn’t close to her mother. Yet, she seems to feel that she is responsible for her. It’s sad.
- You said you called the police 3 times and they couldn't do anything because she's "functional" - but that's not the issue. If someone threatens suicide as many times as she has, then if you call 911 stating that, the paramedics are obligated to take your mother to the hospital to be evaluated - legally, they couldn't leave her otherwise, no matter what she says. Calling the police and 911 are two separate things. You've never called 911?
- there are contradictions - you've stated that she's threatened that "you need to come and get her" because she can't make the trip on her own and can't do anything for herself...and in a different paragraph, you said that she's showing you her flight itinerary because she's threatening to just show up. So can she make it on her own or not??
-and what do you mean that you "need to nurse her to health, take her to doctors, get her to eat again, etc?" Why would she need to be "nursed back to health" if she's well enough to give an alternative that she'll accept going to Israel to live instead? And your stating that it takes 10K monthly to live in Israel is totally off - I don't know where you have that figure. In fact, it's 25% cheaper to live in Israel than in California and 20% cheaper than the US. You can get a one bedroom apartment in Jerusalem for around $1,100 monthly. So, why not just give her a one way ticket to Israel and be done with it?
- and then you said that she's "stuck on only you or her brother" to help her...and you follow it by saying that " you don't think he should take her in either - done that/disaster)." Wait - you haven't been in communication with your uncle (her brother) for 30 years and basically have no connection to him, so why wouldn't you just let him take over?? What do you mean that you've "done that/disaster" You've never taken your mother in - in fact, you said you've only allowed yourself to see her a handful of times in over 25 years or so. So, why dissuade your uncle from taking her on and being responsible? It sounds to me like you're holding on to this instead.
- so, in this "summary", you're upping the drama...and now stating, "She will only accept being up the street from you in a hotel and having you care for her." ok, so where did this hotel conveniently appear up the street from you? You've never referenced that before as a requirement from her - you just didn't want her in SF or even in Calif. And why would you need to "take care of her?" She sounds ready and willing to hop a flight to Israel on her own. And I thought you mentioned that she has "no friends" because she's so terrible. So, how was she able to get a friends and family discount rate at the Florida hotel??
- You had to ask a question - it's been answered before. You asked, "How do you get her out of her loop and obsession with you? The answer - send her to a psychiatrist - send her back to Israel - give her brother the responsibility. There's nothing else - it's all be said - it seems that anything else would be repeated to you like an OCD loop.
You can't. I'm sorry but that is not within your power.
Your Mother appears mentally unwell &/or unstable. Whether this is an illness that flyctuates or a life long personality disorder..??
You can decide the level of contact you provide. Unfortunately her behaviour to harress & hunt you shows she is incapable of respecting your boundaries.
Armed with that knowledge fro the past & current, you can decide the level of contact going forward.
What do you want?
OCD, I just re-read your summary post & can't find what you want.
It can be hard to turn from being overwhelmed & Venting to identifying Wants to Goal Setting.
Try.
OCD always claims to want her mother (I use this term very loosely) to be out of her life. Yet, she never takes any action to prevent her mother from harassing her. In fact, the only thing that she has done is to enable her mother to continue to harass her.