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I've posted on here before and I get criticized for complaining. If you people would walk in my shoes then I'm sure you would be more forgiving. As usual, my life with my 89 1/2 year old mother is a living h*ll. She complains constantly and argues. her old age and illnesses have made her this way. She's always had a meanness in her, but the old age has made it worse. She expects me to constantly be at her beckon call. I have no life not have ever had a "life".
My father died when I was 15 and my life story was written out then. I was ridiculed and harassed by my mother when I tried to date or get a girlfriend. She always thought that she came first and I was giving her up if I found a girlfriend. Does this sound bizarre to you? It's very bizarre! I'm 55 years old now and I'm miserable at the lifestyle that has been forced upon me. I'm a 24/7 caregiver. My mother will cuss (4 letter words), yell and argue. She can be a terror. I literally gave up my life, but this is what my mother expected of me. I was never able to experience the normal things most people do in life.

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No one can force anybody to do anything. You remained with your Mother by choice/obligation, and that has to change for your own wellbeing.

Sounds like your Mom resented the fact that her husband [your Dad] died leaving her to fend for herself. And throughout all those years, she was afraid that you would leave to live your own life. When was the last time your Mom saw her primary doctor? Something as simple as an urinary tract infection can cause an elder to become mean and uncooperative.

Now is the time for your Mother to live in a continuing care facility. If money is an issue check with Medicaid to see if your Mom will qualify. If Mom refuses to move into a retirement home, tell her she has only 2 choices.... the retirement home where she will be around people of her own generation, or she will be living alone. You are no longer in the equation.
(3)
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Roscoe888, no criticism from me for your complaining. I sorry to read your story of childhood abuse and yoir mean mother's domination of your entire life even to 55 years old. You are not alone in what you have experienced. Others have experienced a mother who demanded that she always wanted to come first and seriously wanted their son or daughter to give up anyone they found to date. My mother-in-law hated the idea that my wife was dating and was seriously wanting to get married. Her mother even told her why do you want to get married, stay here with us and we will take care of your needs. She broke away from them, but her mother still lived in her heads for years and had to go into therapy for several years to get her full freedom. My wife was 33 when we married. Her mother had made her almost completely afraid of men and was heading into a relationship with another woman before we met. It took her being in therapy to get enough freedom for us to actually get married. Unfortunately, her mother had no boundaries and told my wife very intimate details about her marriage to her dad who was one of the most dominated men that I have ever seen.

My mother was very controlling of my life, never met my emotional needs, but used me to meet her needs which was easy for her to do after she left and divorced my dad and became a single parent. I was always her little man and said that I was the man of the house but that was a lie for I became more of a substitue partner for her as I grew older. Many, many years later she told me that she knew that she had not met my emotional needs and how she treated me had and was going to cause a lot of pain in my life which is true. But she also said that she could not help it.

I escaped her by going to college and graduate school which my dad paid for. I had to go into therapy myself to complete getting my freedom. I was 31 when I got married to my wife.

I say all of this to say that you can escape, even at 55, you can find a way to get a normal or basically a normal life that most people experience. There has got to be a way for you to gain the freedom that you never have had there in Weirton, WV.
(6)
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I am sorry you were not able to run like heck when you turned 18 to make a life for yourself. It's not too late but only you can take that first step for freedom.
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I understand the mental torture growing up in a dis functional family. I too lost my father at 18 and was the 'one' to try to bring help and happiness into this world. I left home around 20... Got my own apartment and supported myself ever since... I ended leaving the state of Illinois which was never my 'element' and was happy and working for the next few yes ads... My mother remarried and I was thrilled she could do her 'thing' with her second husband but then he died and moved by... Then 'in' with me... Now she has a lot do disabilities but continues to try and control and demean me... This is so selfish ... Just like your mother . I understand tryin/hoping to hold on to the mother you really never had, especially since you/we aren't married. The goo thing is you this site and you have us to relate to. I,m trying to breake this mold by getting out more... This is so important to us for so many reasons... Force yourself to get out and make friends... You and I have our own lives and we're don't responsible for theirs.
(4)
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What is right?.....what's the wrong thing to do? If someone does the normal thing and has their own life.....then they abandoned their parent. Is this the way life is supposed to be...a child has to literally give up their life in order to care for an elderly parent. Hey...."children"........you don't get to have a life.....no career......no marriage......no dating or relationships. You have to be with your parent 24/7 and take care of them. Welcome to my life!
(1)
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Nope, the adult child having to give up their life, their marriage, their jobs, etc. to care for their elderly parent is not how life was meant to be. Sick parents prepare their children from childhood to be their slaves one day and years later when the adult child is needed, it is like a time bomb that goes off in the person's head and they go into auto-pilot. A responsible parent saves up for their retirement and later years Irresponsible parents view children to take care of them regardless of what the adult child has to give up. It is almost like an emotional theme is planted in them that when needed it is time to forsake all others, (job, spouse, children, life) and cleave to your parent until death do you part.

You are correct Roscoe, to get out of the trap you are in, you either need to release your parent to spending her own money on herself or looking into her qualifying for medicare so that someone else can care for her 24/7 in a nursing home.

BTW, what are you going to do, where will you live, how will find a job, and how are you going to handle getting old, once your mother dies? I don't know for right now your future looks about as bleak as your present unless you can find some way to force yourself to get outside of her crazy control and start building a life for yourself.
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This will sound weird to many but as an animal behavorist ( human's are animals) the pack leader dictates the behavior of those under his protection.
You should try setting boundaries.Bad language and you walk out of the room.
Ignore and go about what has to be done but let your mother know that if she is going to disrespect you then effectively you will shun her (drive her from the safety and comfort of her pack leader.
You set the tone of your relationship with her.Treat her as a client ( you , the professional caregiver ) rather than reacting to her as your mother and you the little boy.
My mother's dementia is far advanced and this has worked beautifully for me. She now even thanks me for bringing meals and cleaning up after her.
As far as ridiculing you for having a girlfriend well that's called manipulation.She convinced you you weren't good enough to have a girlfriend and she did this so that she could keep you under her control.
Now that you realize this you are free. There is someone out there in the world for all of us. You will have a life and love if you want it even if you are still providing care to you mother.
Take charge.Never give up, Never give in.
(4)
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I went out a few weeks ago for dinner with a lady I met. My mother was irate over this....as expected. I told her the girl is around 5 foot tall. Now my mother mocks me about it.....she calling the girl a pig and a midget. See, what I have to endure! My mother was always controlling and mean, but the real old age has made her into a monster.
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I'm like a prisoner. I cannot go anywhere alone. The girl I took to dinner was a quick meeting. My mother flipped out when I got home. I was gone for 2 hours. Is this the way it's supposed to be......for the adult child to give it all up to care for the elderly parent?.....of course not, but I was cursed by that predicament. My mother thinks there's nothing wrong with it. For all I do.....she should be ever so grateful, but I'm treated bad. People would be shocked to see my life.....and adult held prisoner by his elderly mother.
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Roscoe... (meanness)... Meanness is rooted in people and it's so difficult when we're related to them!... Try to remember how miserable they must feel trapped in their own body!... They have their choice to be mean or not to be mean. It's their baggage not ours... You give them the gift of love and it is there's to keep or throw it away... Then focus on yourself and go on your business... (I'm still learning this... but, it's getting much better with time and patience...)
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PS... Great for you for your date!... Go on more!... You ARE an adult... and the sooner you show her this, it'll be better for you in the long run... She's playing you... forget talking to her... just do it, because she's playing a game with you... Break the cycle!... go for it!
(2)
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Rosie, do you see a therapist? A good therapist co uld teach you to disengage from your mom. She is clearly mentally ill. You should build yourself a life apart from her snd let the d Tate take over.
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Roscoe, you keep dating. Your mother does not want anyone in your life but herself which is very selfish. Yes, you are in a sense giving her up when you have a girlfriend, but that is normal and how the flow of life works when it works right. There are other grown men and women out there who are still prisoner held by their elderly moms and sometimes even by their elderly dads. Some never break away while others break away sooner, but you are breaking away now. That is good. Focus on that and not on how shocked people might be to see your life. Like you have said, your mom has been controlling and mean all of her life and her old age has only made things worse. She latched on to you when your father died and has not let you go since and does not want to let you go, but you go on anyway and be free!

Keep coming back and telling us about your progress!
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I'm so glad for you Roscoe, keep taking the space to create your normal life because she'll never give it. As a bit of a prisoner myself, I can relate. These controlling parents make the cost of normal adult behavior that doesn't serve them so painful and high it makes it hard. Who can bear to have a parent they love hate them? condemn the human being they are? Especially when that's the price for disobedience all along, not some new behavior related to dementia.

Somebody here a few days ago (maybe Jessiebell?) wrote that once your narcissistic parent gets elderly with dementia it's Thunderdome time and that is the truth. I think one has to do the right thing to be able to live with themselves, but our definition of the right thing will never match our parents.
(2)
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Roscoe, hang in there. Again, walking out when she starts 'mouthing' is best. Another form of manipulation is to escalate to having heart palps. Mine does that, but usually when she is on the receiving end of stuff she doesn't want to hear. My feeling, if they fret themselves into a heart attack, so be it. Just be prepared.
(1)
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Roscoe888, I don't think I've criticized you for complaining, and I don't recall others who did. Most of us complain from time to time.

What I am critical of is that YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING TO IMPROVE YOUR SITUATION. Every few months you come back and say, "Poor me. I'm in prison. My life is hell. I am a slave." etc. Many posters take time to sympathize and to make suggestions. You make no changes and come back in a few months with the same complaints.
(5)
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It takes time to work through the 'dynamics' of an adult child taking care of a parent. Of course, it's not easy and it takes some people longer than others to 'process' all this information. I for one took quite a long time... almost 10 yrs! Everyone works at their own pace... We need kindness and understanding towards others... we're all different.
(3)
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My mother is on her rampage right now. It's about the girl I went out with. I was talking about her today and that's all it took.....my mother is going full force.....you would not believe what comes out of her mouth. This girl is a whore....not good.....leave her alone.....anything bad that she can say.....it comes out of her mouth. It's almost comical though, what jealousy this 89 1/2 year old lady has.....it's amazing. I've dealt with this in past years also. As soon as I meet a girl.....my mother thinks I'm getting married to her. I could go on the first date....and my mother has us married. She is relentless......she won't surrender......she tries to forbid me to see anyone. It's terrible how warped the elderly mind gets......they want to be number one......they are afraid of a son or daughter having a relationship. I'm 55 years old and still being controlled, but in the "elderly mind".....it's normal to them. My head is spinning right now from having to deal with this craziness. It's never going to end. My mother is relentless......I've seen her do this before. In her old age she has never "mellowed out".....she has kept her meanness throughout her life. I feel trapped here.....I have no life......I know she is very old, but why can't I have some enjoyment in life? What I'm going through is just another crazy aspect of dealing with the elderly. Instead of my mother being happy that I'm here taking care of her......she has to start trouble with any social life that I try to have.
(2)
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Take your mom to see a Geriatric Psychiatrist. Please.
(1)
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It's amazing how jealous they become, but my mother did this also in her younger years. For anyone not familiar with dealing with the elderly......they would be shocked to see the real side of caregiving. It's not just normal daily care that you have to deal with.....it's the craziness that I'm going through. The elderly folks that want cared for at all costs......they come FIRST......no one can have a life. Life comes to a standstill for all involved with them. Bullsh*t I say!!!
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Hi Roscoe!... Glad to hear from you here!... Yep, she's a piece of work!... Somehow you have to let the things she says pass right through you. You're going to work on this big time, because you've bee going through this for so long that it's become a 'behavioral' thing. You need to just go... Get ou more... Don't even tell her 'everything' (I'm sure she can call you on your cell phone in an emergency). Tell her you'll talk with her when she can treat you as a human being... You MUST keep trying to have your own life... Even if it's getting out for a few hours each day. Do you work? If not, maybe you could look for a small, part-time job just for your sanity... You can become a handyman or volunteer... This will get you away from your mother... Otherwise this will only get worse!... What do you think?
(2)
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I can feel the tension in my body right now. My mother says I'm killing her. She forbids me to see this girl. My mother was getting all crazy eyed and gritting her teeth at me earlier....calling me and the girl a pig. I would love to have a a video of what goes on in my life for all to see.....you people would be shocked.
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i think im in love with your blasphemous mother , roscoe . do you have any recent pics ? i just come to life when im around a person who speaks my G(**@+N style of m*^%*^in english .. hooray lizzards*it F@ck !!
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I don't get that last comment... Anyway, you really need some distance from her... Soon! Can you go somewhere for a day or more!... She s playing you like a fiddle ... It's becoming a very bad situation and can escalate to who knows what if you take the high road and exit quickly!... I'm not kidding... She needs her time to absorb how stupid she's become!
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Keep dating Roscoe, and walk out of the room when your mother starts with her abuse. You don't have to stay and take it. She is obviously mentally ill. Refuse to listen to the garbage about the lady you dated. That is very disrespectful to both of you and does you no good to listen to it.
You don't have to tell your mother you are going on a date. Just do your own thing. You can say you are going out then go and don't listen to her response. Will she get mad? Sure, What's new?
(3)
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We don't want to see you or your mother in these kinds of situations. When something isn't working you have to change something before there's more hurt and/or regret... Distance yourself and don't feed the fire...
(1)
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I think your mother is going to outlive you, if you don't move out.
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I think she has already outlived him and outsmarted him. D*mn shame.
(2)
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Roscoe, your profile says your mom has mobility problems. Really? Has she been seen by a psychiatrist? There is something else going in, mental illness, dementia, something.

The question is, why are YOU there?
(1)
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Roscoe, hang in there. Some of us are damaged enough we really cannot go anywhere else. I am damaged enough and indolent enough I am not elsewhere. What I'm going through is nowhere near what a lot of people here are going through, including Roscoe. Roscoe, another poster said leave the room when she starts the crazy stuff. Sounds like a good idea. If she really goes bonkers, and keeps going on bonkers, could always involve the police: at least that way you will have a logged incident for your own defense. You deserve a life. If you want to go out with your date, just go and let mom rant, there is no law stating you have to stay there and listen. Good luck.
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