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I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.

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The definition of the word retard/retarded is an accurate assessment of a person with developmental disabilities. However, it is used so perjoratively in the US that it’s become a slur. To me it is almost like using the N word.
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Margaret - most "politically correct" terms came about because the older language became a slur, and unfortunately they are still commonly used that way. Language evolves and I'm not sure what is accomplished by clinging to outdated usage when we know that many find it offensive. As for retard and retarded - that's been a put down since my childhood so I don't think anyone can use ignorance as an excuse
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I got interested enough to consult my two volume Oxford Shorter (sic) Dictionary, and sure enough, one of the meanings of ‘retard’ as a verb is ‘delay’, and one of the meanings of ‘delay’ as a verb is ‘retard’. Do your best to get over the ‘hate’ and ‘cringe’, HHF.
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Using the term “ Unhoused” doesn’t find homes for the “ homeless” either.
Unless someone uses a term in a derogatory manner on purpose , I think we need to give people some slack . It is difficult to keep up with all the new terms .
Being understanding towards those innocently using an old term is important as well .
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All the new ‘politically correct’ terms are adopted to show how up-to-date and unprejudiced the speaker is, although they are often no more accurate than what they replace. Does ‘developmentally delayed’ suggest that they might catch up? Does “differently abled” suggest that they might have different abilities, not just less of them? It’s our prejudice the usual problem, not the terms.

I’m all in favor of new terms when a new medical definition is made (eg for many mental issues), but not when it’s just ‘PC speak’. And then, I never did travel well on ‘nut case’ or ‘loony bin’.
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I hate the term retarded. My MIL referred to her daughter as being retarded instead of developmentally disabled. It made me cringe.
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I don't think I've heard crippled since the 70's luckylu, even disabled is being replaced with physically/cognitively challenged or differently abled.
As for caretakers - yeah, I associate that with a person working as a building superintendent or a janitor
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It bothers me that people call themselves Caretaker's.
We are caregiver's~
And another thing that bothers me is when people say crippled instead of handicapped.
Those are my only 2 whines for today really bugging me.
that's all~
I hope you all are having a good day~
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With you all the way hothouse as we moved to SC from NY nearly 10 years ago. I don't relish the images family and friends are sending. Not one bit!
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Best thing I did was sell my house in NYC. When it snowed like this there was very limited area to put this amount of snow. It would take you hours to dig out a spot for your car only to have someone help themselves to it the first time you left. You would have to worry that if you did not clean your side walk within 8 hours that you would get a ticket. In the meantime much of the city owned sidewalks would go unshoveled.. And you get overlooked a lot in the outer boroughs. Manhattan always was given the priority.

I love living in a place where the temperature is above freezing all the time.
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One thing I am glad not to have is ‘snow shoveling’. We are towards the end of summer here, and at least the temperature is now below 40C. But the humidity is really high (currently 50 percent indoors at the computer, and more outside). We have had about half the average annual rainfall in the last 3 weeks, with the result that many many new and old weeds have come up on our 5 acre block, and Tony’s spray backpack is glued to his back. What fun! Alice Springs had the reputation of ‘hot, but it’s DRY heat’. Not now it isn’t! When all else fails, there is always the weather to complain about!
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way - no fun!!! I am so thankful to be in the condo with no snow shoveling issues. R has mounds of it out at the farm and it causes trouble for his vehicles. I used to have to hire people every winter the last few years up north when R was down here. It never went smoothly. Hope you fond someone good.
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Snow coming again !!!! Up to 18 inches.
I only had one guy reply back and give me an estimate for snow removal for the season and I said “ No “ because the price was insane .
I could have gone to Florida for 3 months for the price he quoted.
There are no teens anymore that walk around with shovels looking for work anymore the last 25 or 30 years . Hmm , 🤔🤔they are playing video games . And I see their Dads outside with a snowblower .
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hothouse - What a pain!!! I guess you have to cancel the convenience cheques. pronto. They are very vulnerable to fraud. So much of that around these days. .Thankfully my cc s don't have them. But thanks for the heads up.
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This Is a not an eldercare issue but I we recently had a credit card fraud and I want to give you folks a heads up because this can happen to anyone. Someone got their hands on a convenience check for my Barclays credit card and stole $100 from us and there was a $5 processing fee associated with this transaction. They forged my signature on a convenience check.

We never paid any attention to these checks, we just shredded them when we received them. Little did we know this can be a horrendous situation. We noticed this transaction on our credit card activity and promptly reported the fraud. Barclays took the charge off but then it reappeared a few days ago.

We called and Barclays said we have to file a police report and send them the paperwork and they would initiate an investigation.we will be doing this as soon as Barclays supplies us with documentation.

What is particularly awful about this is unlike a credit card which the credit card company institutes all sorts of verifications to activate your cards, these checks just come in the regular mail with no safeguards at all. Someone could have stole it at the post office or some place else and can just forge your name. The credit card company says you are responsible for the charge. I’m not sure even after filling out the police report that we will be successful in proving our case.

Barclays and many other credit card companies are fine with screwing you over because they will get their money or your credit rating will be damaged.

if you do not want to receive convenience checks you need to call your credit card company and demand they not send them anymore.

In our case it was only $100 but it could have been much worse.

I just thought it was important to pass this on.
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Thanks Margaret. If a person existing like this is not ready for hospice, who exactly is? They are giving him pain meds but it makes me feel better to know hospice is involved in pain management. I trust hospice to do a better job of pain management than the nursing home staff. My sister is managing all this because she lives locally. She's contacted the nursing home social worker and is taking it from there.
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Hothouse, If you have stepped back totally, please ignore this. Otherwise, my suggestion would be to go to the Ombudsman – or tell the facility that you intend to. He has severe bed sores that you can say are caused by the inappropriate care of the facility, untreated pain that is also not handled adequately by the facility, he is 97 with blood clots in his legs, yet the facility is not willing to refer him to hospice. You can say that you think they are keeping him alive as long as possible for the fees they get. A reference along those lines, or a threat of it, may pack quite a punch!
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Thanks, Golden. Yes I’ve stepped back. I am feeling better emotionally not to be so involved anymore. I’ve canceled my solo February trip to visit my father because of the stroke my husband had in December. I do not want to leave my husband alone for a week at least until we see the cardiologist and get the results of his cardiac tests. We have a vacation coming up and some commitments to care for our grandkids in March so we won’t be coming back until April. Which is fine by me. My sister says he’s not there at all anymore. But he’s still eating so he’s gonna be around awhile.

I selfishly want this to be over because I am tired of going to that godforsaken awful nursing home. And I detest seeing him like this. We would not keep our beloved pets alive if they were existing like this.

My daughter is in NYC with my granddaughter. I told her under no circumstances do I want her to visit. I prefer her last memory of her grandfather is not this. He won’t know she’s there anyway.
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hothouse, I'm so sorry. Can you take a good break -do something for you -concentrate on your own welfare. He is being looked after. I know these last days, .weeks, months are hard. You just want it to be over from their sake and yours ((((hugs))))
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The nursing home says my father is not ready for hospice. He’s in bed with severe bed sores, and in pain. He also has blood clots in his legs that are being treated. He is 97

The thought this can go on a minimum of least 6 months or more is totally horrifying. I can’t take much more. I just want to scream.
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Blue Heron, I totally get it. Figure out way to get out from under this and take back your life. Plan for another vacation soon. ((Hugs))
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BluHeron,
Maybe try going to visit less often? Do less.

You are very smart to have figured out a way for a ten-day vacation.

Now, make it a goal to take more days, while taking back your life, and strengthening yourself. It may take awhile.

You have had a dose of reality, and that is: there is still a life outside of caregiving for you. And you do want that. So don't give up, even though this sounds so very hard on you.
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blueheron - I'm sorry you are going through this. Obviously it is really hard on you. My mother lived to 106. She had life long Border Personality Disorder and developed vascular dementia in her 90s. It's more difficult when mental illness is mixed in with dementia. I don't know what your solution is. Your mother is already in a facility. I simply stayed away and visited only a few times a year.

I know it is hard but you have to take care of your health -mental and physical. I'm glad you had a vacation.

Caregiving was a dreadful chore for me and a time of a lot of stress. I was so relieved when mother finally passed. My heart goes out to you. Is there any way you could hire someone to do some of the paper work or other jobs?
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BlueHeron - when I began to find myself more and more short tempered I placed my mom in a nursing home for a respite stay, when I began to feel absolute dread at the thought of her coming home again I knew it was time for that to become permanent. And that wasn't an easy choice because I had been determined to see things through to the end, I truly loved the person she used to be and I thought that surely the end was in sight. Mom lived another 18 months in the nursing home and knowing what I do now I'm sure that sticking it out would have ruined me, as it was it took me years to come to terms with it all.
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My whine moment for Feb 10 2026:
My husband and I went on a 10 day vacation last week. I anticipated coming back refreshed and ready to deal with mom, but the opposite happened. I'm in tears that the vacation is over and I'm back in this never-ending reality. So I took a look at some caregiver posts on Facebook, hoping to read something that would make me feel better. The first posts I read were: "Caregiving is a privilege." and "I feel called to caregiving."
Lovely. I feel "called" to run away and hide. I don't know how much longer she can afford to stay in her facility and I'd rather keep my head in the sand than find out how many more months she can pay for. I don't want to have meetings or make phone calls or fill out forms. I don't want to think about it at all. Has it been 8 years or 9 years? I don't know anymore. Her paranoia and psychosis is getting "better" and I don't know what to do about that either. She doesn't fit any case I've read about online. Doctors just stare at us and say "let's do a follow-up in four months." What? You mean I'll still be managing her four months from now? My friends say their parents had such short periods of dementia or whatever this is. "Two years and dad was gone."
"Mom started acting strange at Christmas and she died the next June." They don't know what to make of my mother's situation. They say, "How's your mom?" And I say "Oh about the same. A little improvement actually. I'm still her manager."
My psychiatrist gave me another pill to add to my antidepressant. I wish on every star for a million dollars.
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Just lost my post.

send - car definitely. I really don't watch tv, but, as you say, I don.t have to choose. I worked many years to be able to survive such things.

cw -his phone is not set up for that and I doubt he knows how to sign into his Google account, He has an android and I have an iPhone. I am looking at some other apps to see if one could work. We need to set it up.

updare - the repair shop just called and have found the problem. I told them to go ahead and fix it. I will pay for it and we will hassle the insurance co later. Wheel bearings going on two different wheels right after an accident don't speak of normal wear and tear.

Don't think it is worth repairing TV's these days.

Oh well, life goes on, even without a phone, a vehicle or a TV.
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Can he do find my phone Golden?
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Golden,
Hmmmmn,
T.V. or Car,
T.V. or Car,
T.V. or Car,
which would you choose.

Fortunately, you don't have to choose.

Happy for you that your car is almost ready.
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Oh goodness. We picked up my car from the repair shop -it looked great, but R drove around a bit and the power steering still isn't right and something else I didn't understand so he returned it to the repair shop. He had returned the rental car earlier and can't find his phone and thinks it must be there, but they say no.,'
The repair shop gave him a ride out to the farm as the animals have to be fed.

He has misplaced (put them somewhere safe) the keys to his SUV and only had the one set so it's no help. He has a couple of old trucks at the farm and can probably use one of those.

The phone pretty well has to be at the rental office or in the car we returned, or dropped somewhere there. He tends to be a bit flaky and the 2024 accident didn't help.

Just when you think you are getting things sorted out they go sideways. Oh, and the TV died this morning, I guess I'll buy a new one.
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Thx way. The allergy could be a lot worse. I know you struggle with them and asthma too. The other stuff has been a real pain.

Glad your appliances are fixed now. Cookies sound good! Too bad about hubby being sick and now you too, I hope you both are on the mend. The battery troubles probably didn't help. Take care!

Finally my car is repaired from the accident in October and I also have key fobs that work for the underground parkade. We'll pick it up tomorrow and drop off the rental. I am not impressed with the rental we have had. It wants to steer itself.

Purple18 welcome to the whine thread. Jeannette did us a service when she set it up. She has been gone for several years now. Your dinner sounds good and easy.

I had a little pan fried salmon, and veggies for my supper tonight.
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