I'm tired of cooking/preparing 3 meals a day. It's just the two of us but boy oh boy can that woman eat!! She stays slimish, I get fattish. It's bad enough I do everything here much less start making her one thing and me the other. At times I feel guilty when I buy her fast food cuz of the nutritional value....not to mention I eat it too.
I wasn’t the better person . I was the weak one and was groomed to be a servant . My sister told me , “ You were the soft one and Mom knew it “. My mother started telling me at a young age that I was to take care of her in her old age . Mom was an abusive narcissist as well her whole life , which explains why the siblings were mostly uninterested in what was going on , until each parent needed to be placed in long term care. Then all of a sudden they wanted a say. 3 of them always talk down to me , like they are superior . They learned that from Mom . I have very little to no contact with them . The only one I spend time with is the one that now has Lewy Body . She’s the one that told me Mom knew I was the soft one .
Yes , my nephew has thanked me many times for be supportive from a distance . He has been doing a great job . And yes. he is alone in handling this.
In the usual fashion, my other 3 siblings have gone silent . No supportive words for my nephew. They did the same over my parents for 10 years , until I placed each of them , then all of a sudden they wanted to be “ kept in the loop”.
I rarely asked one sister who lives close by to take one of my parents to one of their many doctor visits , when I couldn’t do it . She would do it , but wasn’t happy about it .
I wasn’t upset that no one offered to help , 3 didn’t live close by anyway .
But I didn’t get any supportive words either . In fact one sibling told me she was glad I got stuck taking care of Mom and Dad .
Another example : I was told I was “ wasting Mom’s money in AL because it’s just a very expensive hotel room with meals “. And this “ Can’t you just move in with Mom at her house ?” Apparently I was supposed to leave my marriage and my job for an undetermined amount of time because Mom wasn’t safe alone at home anymore . Mom also refused any ( hired caregivers ) strangers to come in the house .
It is what it is . I know I did the best that I could do . Nothing is perfect . I can’t help what they thought . Caregiving often highlights exactly who people are in families .
Yes my nephew is her son and a target as well , but differently . She hits him more with whatever her gripe for the day is . For example , when she was in rehab and they skipped her shower cause they were short staffed . How she hated rehab , wanted to go home . She tells him she’s too young to be there and can take of herself at home etc . She was living with him. Just the two of them ( both divorced many years).
But sis can not be home alone when he goes to work . He was trying to work from home , it wasn’t working out as she got worse . Also his bosses were getting annoyed , they wanted him back in the office . My nephew wasn’t sleeping well . And in general he said he couldn’t handle her bad days anymore .
Sis has it in her head that I must be behind nephew not bringing her home . I guess because I placed 3 people in long term care . That’s why she says I just want to put all old people away . I think she believes that she could persuade her son to take her home , but that I tell him not to .
It is what it is . I was more worried about my nephew , he was telling me that it was effecting him physically and mentally . He’s the one dealing with her daily gripes , not me . I feel bad for him . Right now she has him running to the store all the time . I told him to do one shopping a week for whatever she wants .I told him she’s doing that to make him come everyday . I can’t do anything for her from far away .
DH and I have mother in law ( divorced ) up at bat now . We are desperately trying to get her to go to AL for multiple reasons . We don’t live close by either . Makes it harder to make it happen . I guess my sister sees me as “ the placer “. I just keep placing relatives . To be fair, I took care of my parents for a very long time until it was absolutely necessary to place them.
Thanks guys. Coming here helps me deal with what I can’t fix , by trying to help someone else.
I hope your family stops shooting the messenger.
Placed my Mom in AL in 2017 ,
Along with my husband we placed his Dad in AL in 2022.
( They are all deceased now ) .
My nephew placed my sister in AL , actually he said it’s a nice board and care home , only 15 residents . This happened last week . Sister is blaming ME . She keeps texting me .
“ You just want to put all the old people away . You put me away too soon , I’m not as old as Mom was . How would you like to be put away in 10 years ? “
She is 10 years older than me , that’s why she says that . She’s only going to be 70 in March . I understand her being so upset . She feels her life is getting cut short . Mom and grandma didn’t get dementia until their mid 80’s .
Sigh ….I’m tired of telling people they can’t go home .
DH: can I help you put the sheets back on the bed?
Me: Sure; you can put the pillowcases on your pillows.
DH: (loooooooooong pause) Umm…..shouldn’t these be ironed?
Alva - can you get dressed up in rain gear and go out and do your thing. I used to love walking in the rain - as long as it's not cold and windy.
Nacy- I don't blame you. Standing around in the cold wind and rain is no fun.
Anti whine - found a good local tax accountant (family business). Another resource found and crossed off my list. Getting there!!!
It truly is an awesome sight.
Alva, funny East and West Coast having very similar weather. I looked out wasn't raining or windy, I thought I would be able to get a walk in. Got dressed and put came the rain. 😠
Not for it to STOP as we need to keep getting the rain.
But a break.
So I can get off the computer and out of the books and walk around cleaning out storm drains in the streets with my broom.
And wear your new scarf!
40 Degrees, 35 mile an hour winds. Scattered snow showers.
I will be happy and warm inside my House!
b8ted2sink -glad your husband is better and can do more for himself which lightens the load for you. I'm also glad you can have a few "luxury" items. We all need treats sometimes.
Nacy - we had that happen once. They had to rebuild the house. Scary stuff. So glad nobody was hurt. I hope their insurance is helpful.
My whine is I'm having more (but mild( brain fog and needing more sleep since the flu. I guess it triggered the CFS/FM. Makes it hard to get things done.
One small brush fire and one house. Fireman had a busy day here.
Finally tomorrow night we are getting much need good rain for a couple days!!
Hopefully it helps , the NYS fires and now Massachusetts, about an hour away.
I never cared to Shop in person much , and prefer to take advantage of the beautiful Fall days at Home ! So I go about ordering what we need and save myself the trip . I prefer to show him in advance what I'm considering ordering , as the receipts are tracked on the Cell phone. By today, he was "putting down" my idea claiming it cost too much -(which it really didn't .) He, himself picked up groceries recently and spends more than I do over running an errand to our local Dollar Type store , but it's the closest for a quick stock up when running out of food, and paper products, etc.. -often a real Life Saver. He 's mainly snooty about the stores I prefer to hit up sometimes , while he'll go out of his way to shop at more popular stores among those who prefer the more "fresh, natural products. " and located much further from Home. The item I wanted to order was a necessity/luxury -a space heater, since our older one gave out. He usually complains about getting too cold at night , and does enjoy our heater in the dining rm. over dinner. He's "acting" like he doesn't; mind the absence of our former heater while watching movies together in the lvg. rm.. I'm not even going to TRY to figure out why he's doing what he's doing -and treating me so badly over every little purchase lately, which he Can afford. Instead-I ordered another heater I liked, but is a little less in cost , while being Top quality . After he left for his appts. I made the order and am still very satisfied over the purchase (after having also done the research over it.) .
I have been working extra hard this Fall Season, finally cleaning out areas of our Home having been neglected particularly over the Years I'd spent working so hard as his Care Person & Care Taker of our Home -inside & out. Two things I keep in mind as my Rationale concerning making a purchase that sometimes actually does lean more towards Luxury , than Necessity , but just nice to have in our lives. One -is the old AA instruction-"Do not suffer at the expense of another". and Two is -Did he think my "services" were FREE ??
Then walked down to see, no one was home, it started in the garage and was getting into the attic, they were starting to contain it and we went home.
See, dumb brain, that email WASN'T as big of a deal as my anxiety was making it out to be.
However, I still need to learn to write professionally at all times, especially when giving constructive feedback. I am going to seek some tips about that.
It's interesting: I rec'd my previous paper's grade back in this class tonight. I rec'd higher marks than my classmates (they told me what they rec'd), but I scored pretty low on the content-knowledge acquisition rubrics.
The way I interpret this is that I have superior writing skills, but I still don't know what I'm talking about. lol
That sums it up. :)
I've put myself on a heckuva adventure. I'm three classes away from an MS, have a 4.0 GPA, and have no clue how to practice with ASD kids (the majority demo for BCBAs)—because I never intended to practice with that population. Until the final death knell is dealt to my dreams of behavioral gerontology practice, I'm going in that direction as best I can. I seek out all the relevant online content. It's very cool stuff!
I'll figure myself out. This is doable; I have to make relevant connections, which, to me, means attending specialty conferences. I missed a big one this past year; have another one on my must-attend for next year.
I bulleted the assignment instructions (since my classmate either hadn't read them or didn't understand them) and used a hefty dose of bold and italic fonts to highlight certain points.
I just felt like a nut doing it because it felt like confrontation, and I'm the biggest confrontation-phobe in the whole wide world.
I didn't know how else to show them what we should be doing. They had access to the instructions but didn't bother to follow them, so I'm not sure what's going on there.
So now, with her permission, I'm re-writing her section of the paper. Because it's my grade. And I don't care if I have to pick up the slacker's slack here; the objective is to turn in a decent paper.
I haven't tried dividing my posts that way for a very long time since I mostly try to focus on brevity now, but when I did I remember having to go back to edit and reformat everything after posting. Maybe the site has changed.
I remember that many years ago in my ‘market research’ phase following divorce, I was told by a bloke that he had never before received a ‘love letter’ in numbered paragraphs! Clearly I over-did it back then.
Joining Linkedin online, I was amazingly helped by non-profit coaches offering material for funding non-profits. This research was all for someone else, anyway.
I was also offered jobs that paid $68,000 to $123,000 per year as an executive assistant. (They don't know me, and I am not seeking employment).
Finding that the simplest google search entries are often the best, entered this for you:
"College student needs to write a professional email"
Loads of info suitable for you, I think.
Realistically there are going to be people in class and, eventually, at work who don't pull their weight.
I think reading tips about professional communication by email is a good idea.
Please breathe deep and recognize that as much as this is extremely irritating, it is not the end of the world. That includes your email to them.
You have very high standards for your own work, and others are not going to meet those, and in some case not even come close. You are not always going to meet your own very high standards and that's OK. You'll pass the course and maybe learn something about you and group projects and trying to motivate others to do their jobs along the way. It isn't easy.
Take a break. Do something good for you, You have earned it and you deserve it! ((((((hugs)))))
Ana -when I first tangled with an insurance company I looked up how they were doing financially. They make great profits. From us.