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Well, I came to the harsh realization today that I will probably never, ever get another break or vacation to call my own, until Mom is gone. Not that I'm rushing that day to come, of course, but it's a harsh truth of caregiving. I know there are *many* more here that are in that same boat, and having "alone time" is a major luxury - but I thought I might have at least ONE more year where I could take a vacation to see my son by myself - just one. Had to finally have a long talk with myself (yes, I talk to myself - don't you? LOL) and come to the point of understanding that Mom is no longer safe staying alone.

Sooo....I've had to cancel the rental I had already paid for, which was incredibly cheap at $470 a week (cheaper than a hotel, and it was a whole house!), and start looking for something else that is: a) at least somewhat handicap accessible, with no stairs or steps and a shower instead of a tub; b) allows dogs and c) has wifi so I can work at night (the only way I can afford to pay for the trips we're taking this summer, since they all come out of my pocket - Mom's income doesn't allow for any extras). I think I finally found one, which is even nicer than the previous rental...but it's also nearly twice the price, at $850 a week. (sigh) Waiting to hear back from the owners to make sure we can get it reserved.
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My big huge whine. I got a loan off a debt collector huge interest but i need a proper hoilday. anywhoo booked my holiday to Seville in Spain for a wk booked it with mums credit card as i dont have one was so excited last night even googled tapas bars and what to see and do when just this evening i got an email to say there was a problem with the card????? have spent all night trying to call someone but they are all useless. You see mum has the money on her card but her bank have some stupid system of authorization crap so i have to get her bank to authorizise this payment? also the banks fraud called last night with that stupid message service so you cant talk to anyone "suspicious activity on your card"??????? they ask for dob then your age but theres noone to talk to and tell them that its a legit transaction? if i dont book this flight soon i miss the whole deal AND mum will be charged for the hotel if i dont show? YEH A CRAPPY DAY. just hope i can sort this mess.
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btw, I think the reason my mom doesn't get out of hand is I walked out on her 30+ years ago, back in 1977. and I think she is halfway afraid I'll do it again. which I actually would given the proper impetus.
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hope, I hear you. I am trying to have a handyman come and do some simple repairs around the house, and put in an outdoor cat run. I have called one guy 3 times, another one twice. The first one has never called back although he repaired our roof last year. The second one, I have no idea what the problem is.
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My whine is... My dysfunctional family have another elephant in the room to ignore with my brother being diagnosed with cirrhosis. Maybe it'll go away if we don't talk about it. Maybe we have to sort through all the other elephants before we get to this one. It's starting to feel like a circus in my family!
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How does my mom know it's Dr. Day? It's like she has this sixth sense about it... rarely do I mention it anymore or else she will NOT go. Much less the anxiety, stress and grief it gives me knowing she's going to say all those awful things. 'm trying to kill her, I'm trying to get rid of her... I'm plotting to put her away. My stomach is in knots... when she first got up she was so worried about me leaving her, she was literally stuck to my side for a few hours. Now that we are going through the preparation stage of getting us all ready to go... she's glaring/staring and starting the schpeal (sp) on my vindictive plotting to lock her away. We both see the same Dr. Me first... then her. Usually I take her in with me and we just do a double... today I am going to ask that she SIT there and have one of the ladies there keep an eye on her... It is so hard to tell my life ups/downs and worries with her in the room. .... not going to be a good day at all.

Second whine.... seeing that thread pop up You know, the one that say's lots of caregivers die before the person they are caring for?.... my tummy is not feeling this day, at all.
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Must add that today, the hospice nurse made a totally unplanned visit right in the middle of the day, for whatever reason....I had already made a vain attempt to plan my day...hahaha...isn't that funny. I thought I had some freakish right to do that...anywho...came right in the middle of the day...and hour late at that, totally screwed up my already screwed up day....and while I love this particular person, I actually found those words coming out of my mouth.. "Does anyone EVER listen to a d*mn thing I say? " I have repeatedly told them that mornings are best for us and that has always been eagerly accepted as for some reason most folks want them to come later...not me...I want to get all that visiting behind me so I can get to the program at hand...I told her today, God, even in this minute matter, no one listens to one damn thing I say...I may as well talk to the d*mn wall....I feel myself going over the edge without a life boat....and I , today, am sick of all of it.....I told her that if someone told me to go to h*ll today I would simply tell them...I am already there
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Susan we do the best we can. Tomorrow is another day
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emjo....omg....yes, raising my hand here also....and toomuch4me.....I also have a sibling who has never done anything wrong in my Mama's eyes...so the thing I am asking myself now is...why did I decide to do this??? I have done it to myself...I openly acknowledge that....I just don't know why....I have lost absolutely everything I ever worked for, sibling has done nothing to help whatsoever....financial, emotional, whatever, has been totally absent...as has his wife, as have his kids...my Mama's only grandchildren....still if she were able, she would still chime in with the same old same old...poor little (insert name here) he has it so hard, isn't he great!!!! he deserves the very best...and yet all the while I have likened myself to a pack mule...and that is exactly how I feel today..like a pack mule...and I have spent the day wondering how the hell did I let this happen.....for the first time in my life, I can honestly see me, if I'm still alive at that time, telling absolutely everyone in my life to go to hell......
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My whine for today:

I'm too tired to do all the stuff I need to do!

That is all. :-)
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Toomuch is your Dad by any chance from an old European culture? i won't guess which one but I do have one in mind!!!!!!!!!!
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Wow!! emjo--that just stirred up a bunch of resentment that I thought I'd put away. My alcoholic brother could do no wrong, because he was a "doctor". (optometrist) Whereas I, on the other hand, could never do anything right. He's dead now from cirrhosis and look who's the one taking care of Mom. Guess I'm good enough for that. OK, inhale peace and tranquility; exhale resentment and anger. : D
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toomuch4me - sounds like you are what I call "the Cinderella child". Some parents - those with narcissistic tendencies - choose a Golden child who can do no wrong, and who is not expected to help, and a Cinderella child, who can be blamed for whatever and who is expected to do the work. I am the Cinderella child of the family and I am learning to say "No" and also to not expect thanks for anything I do. So I detach, detach. detach. I still do my job but as detached as I can.
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Fregflyer, it goes beyond that. He doesnt think my sister should lift a finger to do anything. He struggles with walking but when she comes to town, he is eager to carry her suitcases. His view is that rich, successful women like my sister deserve to be catered to and treated like a Queen. Ugly ducklings like myself should be the one serving the Queen. I should change my name to "Celee" from The Color Purple.
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Toomuch4me, sounds like your Dad has an old fashioned stereotypical view of women. We are there just to clean, cook, and look after his needs.... [sigh].

My parents [in their 90's] have the same view. My Mom can't understand why I have a career, and my Dad doesn't understand why I hate to shop because all women love shopping.... NOT.
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Toomuch - ouch. That must have hurt, about the father's day cards. Maybe you should get a French maid's outfit or a housekeeper's overall and learn to curtsey..??? I'm sorry, I know how it feels to be thinking "oh don't mind me, I'm just the help."
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My whine of the day is that my father is ungrateful and enjoys showing how much he dislikes me. Its okay. He knows how hard I worked to make a nice Father's Day for him and he acted non chalant. Just like he did on his birthday and of course he acted cold on Mother's Day. Yesterday he started the day complaining that he did not get any cards...he was really just waiting for one from my sister. He took her card out and sat it on his dresser. This morning he started out by being ugly toward my daughter simply because she was coming out of her room when he went into the bathroom. When I went up to tell him to hurry because we had a big breakfast waiting he snaps "Well Im not going to stay in here forever..." he pretended to be happy during breakfast but it was awkward. He was really just waiting for his daily call from my sister. At four oclock when I had the nerve to stand in the kitchen and talk to our weekend HHA he looks at me with a dirty look and says, "Well can I have dinner now ?" as if I had the nerve to stand there, not working for a minute. He didnt act the least bit grateful for all of the time I took to make all of the things he wanted for today. This isnt the first time. He knows it bothers me and I can see he does it on purpose. When my siblings called he just said ":the ladies" fixed me a nice meal. He puts me on the same level as his Home Health Attendants. I cannot stand him and cant wait to escape. Oh and he just stuck the cards me and my children gave him back in the envelope and laid them down. He didnt even bother to read them.
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Once we admit what? That our loved on has problems? hahahaha.... okay, I admit, mom has a problem, probably I do as well.

My mom was diagnosed at least 5 years ago. It was in writing. Alzheimer's. She is Stage 6 now. It is not I who am in denial. I educated myself and still educate on this disease. I didn't stuff my head in the ground and pretend things were not happening. I left everything I loved... came here to help my parent's who were my first love. Doesn't matter if she does not act like the mom I once knew. I know what's going on as I educated myself. That does not mean I am going to stuff her away somewhere...

Thank you for your insight, it seems like you've just stepped out of denial yourself and realize what's going on.

Be blessed on your journey.
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For those of you having to care for a spouse, parent, sibling whomever, and if they have Alzheimer's - be specific and get it diagnosed - whatever they tell you about it not being able to be diagnosed or if you think it's just Demensia but some behaviours are getting out of hand, get a diagnosis and get it in writing. If you are dealing with a worsening memory condition - just go along with it. Agree and postpone and be busy and agree some more - most of all, let it go. Stop beating yourselves up about it and thinking you are doing some disservice or take on a bunch of guilt about it. You are not dealing with the person you've known all your life or most of your life. They have changed and will continue to change so tell them what they want to hear. Chances are, they will forget and will ask you again - and again - and again. This is what I've learned over the year and a half we finally had my mother's aging condition looked at professionally. I can't believe she was still driving this time last year. By denying it though (as I did for a long, long time) and not doing anything about it- that's when you should start feeling guilty because once you admit it, help is available, steps can be taken and most of all YOU can get the help YOU need.
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So far bugs haven't been a problem in the Pacific North West. Just the occasional quarter sized black spider crawling across the ceiling....
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mosquitos not too bad I have small water garden and rain barrels for watering and I put insecticide in them but have had ants in the kitchen for about a month now plus some of the cats are getting eat mites again.
Dad's cold pretty much gone but coughing up "stuff" which is getting annoying to hear.
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What??? HUH???? Say that again. What? I'm patient for the first 100 a day but.....Jeezaloo! She can hear, she just says it automatically. She needs a few seconds to "get it".......so take a few seconds before saying WHAT????? Then she tells me I have no patience . If she only knew.
"Saint" Boni
lol
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It is priceless when they ask where we've been all day. Some days I'll spend the whole day working and she'll ask, "You been taking a nap?" Grrrarrrr!
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jessebelle i so hear you my mum does this too when i come home from shopping the tv is so loud and theres times ive forgotten my key i have to go and knock at the window sometimes she hears me sometimes i could be outside like an idiot waiting to get in. ive had to call my brother twice lucky he only lives down the road but still its just ANOTHER really annoying thing that can push you over the edge THEN you have to cook thier dinner after she asks "where have you been all day" yeh really makes your blood boil!
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My "whine" today is i heard mum shouting in an angry voice outside in the garden so i went to investigate as we never have visitors?
Went into the garden and she was there in the heat in her warm PJs shouting at "the birds". Telling them to shut up singing! She said they were doing her head in? my mum loves birds this wasnt like her in the end she took off her hearing aid even the birds are getting to her didnt know whether to laugh or cry?
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So sorry Sallie and so sad but look after you! be there for him but at a distance you cannot look after them both.
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What is it with the cockroaches this year? I usually get crickets that my cats will reduces the population..... or sugar ants that one cat will enjoy as a snack, gross. And this the first time ever in my house I caught 2 cockroaches.... good heavens. Only thing I can think of is all this crazy weather we've been having since spring.
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I hate mosquitoes!! I am surrounded by woods, pond and cranberry bogs.. Yesterday I was outside at 3pm and they were eating me up...Ugh..
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Book, LOL! I thought I had it bad sprinkling the ant killer on an ant hill, home, whatever, outside the kitchen door yesterday! The powder works very well, the ants think it is food then carry it back to the colony. Get the ones under ground as well.

Cockroaches?! I just finished breakfast, thanks. Many years ago a friend that was selling real estate was walking into a home with a client and a grasshopper flew into her mouth! Gross!. And you know why motorcyclists are always riding with a smile don't you?
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Summer bug problems. An old pond in the backyard, cracked, so just half full of stinky water = mosquitoes. Broke the bottom in, let it drain and filled it with wood chips. Pan of water on top for the birds. Few mosquitoes now plus barn swallows nesting under the deck roof keep them down.

Bad flea problem right now (I live in the country). Using food grade diacemaceous (sp?) earth on the animals but, much as I loathe chemicals, I've resorted to spray. Sent the pets into the backyard and sprayed the rugs and washed their bedding 2 days in a row and it seems to be working.
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