I am caring for my elderly mother in her home. I came to Massachusetts leaving my home in Virginia where I have been living for almost 30 years. I also have a brother who is diagnosed paranoid/schizophrenic who is now 49 years old. I am the only daughter with three brothers, one of whom passed away last year, one who lives in another state, and the mentally ill one who lives here in Massachusetts. Although he does not live here with me and our Mom, he lives close enough so that he is here every single day. Needless to say I am having severe stress issues as there is also a lot of history between me and my mother ~most of it bad. I have been here for 9 months and am ready to put her in a facility somewhere and go back to Virginia. I just need someone to talk to. Need support. My husband is in Virginia along with two of our grown children. I am 61 and have various health issues of my own, but am unable to take care of myself due to the needs of my mother. The stress is unreal.
You mentioned bad history with your mom but maybe you could consider moving her closer to you or your brother into a nice assisted living or skilled care facility. It is time to think about yourself and what would make it easier for you to ensure your mother is safe and that your health is attended to. Dealing with the distance doesn't have to be the only option.
Is it possible to find a good facility for your Mom near where you live in Virginia? Or can she live in a senior apartment complex? (these are gov. subsidized and cheaper...the ones here are very nice.) That way you can keep an eye on Mom, make sure she is getting the appropriate care, and still have your life. Can your brother pitch in to help your other brother? It wouldn't hurt to ask. Sometimes if we take everything on our own shoulders, others will be happy to let us do it.
If, as you say, you do not have a good relationship with your Mom, then living with her will just escalate the resentment.
If it is any consolation, the first few months of caregiving are the most stressful. I came to this site thinking that I was alone in my experiences. I felt that I was in a constant "haze" and had few others to depend on. The folks here literally saved my sanity!
I now have things more under control. I began by not treating my Mom as a "guest" - she lives nearby now and I deal with her needs first and her wants second. I was spoiling her. I also make time for my family that is separate from Mom. You need to have that alone time.
In the meantime, try doing anything that gives you an escape: reading, bubble baths, music (with earphones), hobbies, support groups.
Good luck...let us know how it is going.
Lilli
I just really have no immediate help. I have no one to stay with her while I go out and do things. I can go out between 1 and 4 in the afternoons. I do not like to go out until after lunch, when she is downstairs for the day.
Anyway, thanks again for your responses.
well when we got to fla i missed my husband so much and i told dad that he has to make up his mind , im not drivin back and forth cuz i have family at home in indiana and when i go back im staying home .
his choice was to stay in any nursing home or stay with me in indiana .
my sister said she would stay with him in fla durin winter time . well he fell and got hurt and landed in hospital and then to rehab , he decided he is better off to stay with me in indiana . so now he is here with me .
gotta tell them theres 2 choices , nursing home or come and stay at my home with my family !
my whole family is so happy to have me home for good . :-)
The caregivers on this site are wonderful. they have saved my bacon quite a few times and I wish I had found this 5 years ago when I first started caregiving for my mom.
No one but those of us who have walked this walk have any clue what we are going through. Outsiders, and yes, even if you are related but your relatives are not pulling even weight they are outsiders too, want to trivialize what we deal with and treat us badly. sux.
My mom and I had our moments and we were fortunate enough to have worked it all out before she got too far away. Here's a hopeful thought for you brown, because it really helps to make it easier to manage. Mom and I watched Dr. Phil every day and lots of times things would come up that we had experienced with me growning up and etc etc and we both learned a lot and mom got off of my case eventually. Found out I wasn't so bad after all.
In the beginning mom was combative and mean and I told her that she could have a choice: I would tell her exactly what I knew and learned about dementia or I would bs her to shut her up. She chose the truth and we were able to handle things a lot easier after she accepted her situation. (18 months)
Blessings on you for being so generous with your brother and I think that the idea you have for him and your mom is brilliant.
When you find yourself stuck at home, get on this site and poke around. everybody here knows what BRB MOP means.
Be right back, mom on pot.......
Welcome welcome and use the site!! gripe vent whine kvetch and listen to the caregivers and go home to your family.
when I thought that my head was going to explode because I was living the life of a 90 demented lady for 5.5 years, this is the tool I used to get it right.
my mom is late stage dementia and she is in a beautiful facility, on my side of the country, where she is loved and well taken care of. It was hard hard hard to do that but I had to or I was going to die. That simple.
Good luck and you can do this! Deep Breathing!! Bourbon!!!
lovbob
I am so glad I found this site. I can vent here. And if there is a different "forum" that I should be on to vent or whatever pelase let me know.
Stacey (Brown)
That would be the best thing but we have to think about our other brother who is mentally ill. Our mother is his whole life and I think it would be extremely important for him to at least "think" he is having a direct part in our mother's care. Perception is everything in this case and with my mother in a facility here and me gone it would give him the "perception" of power in her care. He would be the one looking in on her every day and as my other brother said:
"for her to be alive and out of the state probably would not be fair to him. As long as she is alive even when she is in a nursing home he would visit her every day. That would give him purpose and probably some stability. I want to believe that when she dies, he will feel as though he did his part in providing her care, and there will be a sense of completion as he lives the rest of his life alone in Boston."
I thought this was awesome wisdom.
When I put her in a home then I will be able to return home to my husband. My children are all grown and out of the house. So it is just me and him. She will be safe and my younger brother will no longer feel that his space has been invaded or that his position with our mother has been usurped. Even though he is 49 and is not retarded, emotionally he is extremely possessive of our mother and I have found out that he also can be very jealous. I believe it has to do with the paranoia associated with his illness.
I also check in to see if there are any questions I can help answer. I worked for ten years in nursing homes taking care of the elderly.
Good luck and multitude of blessings.