Oh boy, the drama with mom continues...

Best case scenario, they plan to move mom out.

What is the worst case scenario? They can see that you're burned out, right?

I'm not sure I see the downside here. Mom clearly wants out. You want her out.

They remove her. Win/win, yes?

NHWM, I am totally and in no way trying to be a smarty pants, but I am wondering why you don’t just pack Mom’s little suitcase, drive over to one brother or the other’s homes and leave her on their doorstep. Seriously. Leave with a fond wave and even blow them all a kiss.

It sounds like it is time to have the brothers come back and pack Mom up and take her with them. You have tried to care for her and she fights you, so let them deal with her.

I recall another of your posts on similar frictional issues.   Believe me, I mean no harm, but I'm going to be quite blunt.    You're enabling the brothers by letting them intimidate you.  And that's exactly what they're doing. 

You have NO obligation to let them in, other than the excuse of seeing your mother.  And as others have written, given the frictional relationship, why not let them take care of her?

However, you DO have the right to prior notice before allowing them in.   And you DON'T have to leave your own house.   And that's what I would have done:  told them to let you know before coming over, and close the door in their faces.

I know it's hard to stand up to 2 bullies, especially if you're not used to this kind of frictional challenge and testing of how far they can go.   But you'll just be miserable and continue to be so until you tell them to, more or less, put up or shut up.   

And that includes taking care of her, at someplace other than your home.    YOU are the only one who can make changes in this situation.

I do understand what you're getting at. My mom lived with me for 5 years and my siblings visited rarely. When they did, it was to ask for money or stir things up. Mom, with her dementia-affected brain, would invent stories of such cruelty at my hands that you would think I was the Marquis de Sade. All I did was look out for her and try to keep her safe and comfortable - forget happy as she doesn't know how to be happy and they both know it. Even pre-dementia, she always complained about family members to other family members and it has caused a lot of grief for everyone. She is very convincing. Little by little, however, she showed them what she was really made of. She stayed with my sister for a week and Sis was more than ready for her to leave after a couple of days. Mom's doctor also convinced her that Mom tended to make things up or embellish her stories. I told both of them countless times that if they felt they could do better, please take her. They never did. She is in memory care now and they rarely visit or call. I'm still visiting once a week, taking her out for meals and shopping, taking her to medical appointments, keeping track of her paperwork, insurance and accounts, and advocating for her.

Do I feel like the world's biggest fool at times? Absolutely! However, I do have the satisfaction of knowing that I'm doing right by her no matter what she or my siblings think and when all is said and done, I will be able to live with myself. If you can get one of your brothers to take her, I say good riddance. If not, grit your teeth, avoid them when possible, and do what you do for her knowing you are a good person.

I just feel like I am going a little nuts. I’m going to try to cope better.

I didn’t stay inside. I just couldn’t. I went outside when they came over. I knew that I would not be able to handle it right now. I did not want to lose my temper or cry. I called a friend outside from my cell to talk.

I am so sick of it always being about her. I know she’s old. I know she needs help but not to be seen as a human being by so called family is not really a family to me. I’m not a robot. I’m not a machine. I’m not a servant.

She gets upset because we are not close to each other as siblings. Well, gee I wonder why! She pits us against each other. Plus they have different personalities.

But I am starting to realize that I am not a daughter or a sister either, not by my definition. Hell, I haven’t even been able to be a wife or mom. Rarely see my friends either. When they do come over, mom wants to be chatty with them. Annoying! For a few minutes, fine but not the whole time.

She’s going to have to start paying for a caregiver for me to get out of this prison.

She knows I have been feeling funky too. Still pushes me but let them feel bad and she has empathy.

Nhwm, what did your brothers discuss with your mom?

Have you been in touch with your therapist?

Just to make myself clear, I'm NOT suggesting that there is anything wrong with you. Many times, folks think that someone saying "you need to see a shrink" means "there is something wrong with YOU".

No. There is something very wrong with your situation and with the expectations of your family members that you will handle this all on your own.

They are the folks who are disordered, not you. YOU need help on getting them to see sense.

How does that work? You know, when a parent moves out. Do they hate you for it? Please tell me.

Of COURSE she needs to pay for caregiving. Why is there a question about that?

Please understand that if your family members think that there is not monetary cost for caregiving, they are quite mistaken.

So what if they "hate" you?

How about, do you hate them for stealing years from you when you could have been earning?

She won’t tell me what they discuss. She only tattles on me like I am a two year old. She keeps their secrets. Infuriating. My husband is a very calm man. He is everything I find attractive. He is even getting a bit edgy at times. He is not happy with their foolishness and said I should have told them, “Hey, while you’re here, empty the bedside commode and fix mom lunch.” I love my honey’s sense of humor. He can always make me laugh.

I haven’t been able to get away to any dr appointments. I need to go. I take her to dr appointments. I desperately need a hair appointment and have not even done that.

I hate feeling stuck. I need some hot tea. My throat is still a little scratchy.

Thanks for listening. I may go for a short drive when hubby gets home. Going to turn on my favorite jazz station and just chill. My daughter is coming over Tuesday evening. I am glad. I can have a nice conversation about her life. No poop talk, compression stockings, etc.

The COA caregiver is coming Friday and I am taking off. Not to the grocery store either. Not sure what but away from here. I need a break.

WHY can't you leave to get your hair cut or get to a dr appt?

Is your mom bed bound?

Or merely demanding?

If your toddlers had behaved this way, what would you have done?

What would happen if you park Mother in front of the TV for an hour....and you and your hubby went over to your brother's house to ask if she can stay with them for 3 months because you desparately need a break.

From the sounds of things, they wont cut you a break, BUT don't you just want to see the look on their face when you ask.

Then drive over to the other brother and repeat.

You sound wonderful and have been throught the grinder like me....be strong...you are worth it!

I would never have allowed my kids to do these shenanigans. Good point.

I should see about a hair appointment on Friday. She could go to a salon. She used to. I had to find a stylist come to the house to cut her hair. She loves being married to this house. I hate it. I used to do things! I had a job. I volunteered. I kept busy.

She’s just demanding. She did well with rehab and home health. She always has. She is supposed to keep up with the exercises and she doesn’t want to and gets weak again. Her OT and PT says she is capable. The exercises are geared for helping Parkinson’s patients.

Mincemeat,

They have already said they will not take mom. She would have to make other arrangements.

I have seen their faces. We have asked before. They go into shock! Several years ago, we took off to Ft. Walton for Thanksgiving. It was great! Was actually warm enough to get in the pool. I love Florida. Only about a four hour drive.

My younger brother stayed at the house. They don’t like looking after her. They had to serve their own holiday meal while we ate out! Was so nice. I do not regret not doing all of the holiday meals. I cook for our family and that’s it! My daughters, husband and mom. No longer invite anyone else.

I would work on getting her out of your home.  Why worry what anybody else thinks? She likes your brothers? Well she can live with one of them. They don't want her? OK, well she better make other arrangements or shape up - your house, your rules.

NHWM, you need to take your life back. I don’t understand why you didn’t sit in that meeting between your brothers & mother - in your house. I am pretty vocal & don’t believe in giving free passes so easily.

It seems you want to keep everyone happy and in the process forgets about herself.

“No” is a complete sentence. Someone on this forum said this a while back & it stuck with me. Such a true statement.

You’ve skirted this question before but **why can’t your mother pay for home care (CNA, etc) from her SS?**What is she saving or spending her SS on? Surely since she lived with you and you cover the cost, your mother can pay for her own caregivers. Also it would be prudent to have your mother plan & pre-pay for her funeral. I say this as if she does pass away in your home you will need to have a funeral home come and take her. It’s a lot less stressful doing this before her death, as it’s clear that your brothers haven’t thought about this. Or “assign” this to your brothers to arrange but give them a deadline.

OR- Bring your mother to one of your brothers homes unannounced with all her “stuff”& be prepared to leave her there. Oh, & don’t forget to barge in the house when you get resistance, like they do.

If my brothers came to my home unannounced and not willing to give the owner of the house (you) any respect
I would have told them exactly how I felt. They were 10 & 12 years older than me but we never avoided difficult conversations.

Why can’t you speak freely with your own family? You have a right to do so.

Get your husband and daughter involved to back you up. No one will help you unless they are truly aware of your needs.
Asking for help is NOT being a failure. I am unsure how much you share with your husband and daughter but if you haven’t told them, they can’t read your mind. I hope this forum doesn’t take the place of real people who can help you feel better. I have a feeling that’s what this forum is for you - a sounding board (which is of course fine). But you have to begin to direct your anger to the appropriate source & use your anger in a positive way to get your mother placed and out of your house. 15 years is long enough.

Do you share your concerns with your husband and daughter? What do they say?

Most importantly the next time your mother gets admitted to a hospital (and she will) **REFUSE** to take her back to your home. Start the conversation with the SW/DC planner early. Tell your brothers that your mother will not be residing with you going forward. They can step up then and take her in, or go along with placement.

Don’t count on Aide & Assistance as approval could be way far off. In the interim since having mom stay with you is saving her money, ask her to pay.

Don’t engage in arguments with your mother either. Get up and leave.

Why don’t YOU call a family meeting and get it all out? Who cares how they feel? Your opinion counts, but it appears you do not verbalize your concerns with them and this compounds your frustration. To keep the peace, maybe? But keeping everything peaceful is not good for you, and you have a right to live your life as much as your mother and brothers do.

You’re getting there - you’ve recognized the problem - now develop a plan and stick to it.

Needhelpwithmom, please listen to everyone’s answers. They are so right!!! Seeing a counselor would help you see what everyone on here is telling you. Get out of that awful situation. Focus on you. Pack your mother’s bags and drop her off on your brothers doorstep!!!

You are constantly coming on here stressing over the same things - 1/you want mom out but you resist every move away that she and your brothers initiate - 2/she manipulates and drives you crazy and seemingly has always done so but you are inordinately fearful of doing anything she might disapprove of. IMO your stream of posts reveal that you are obsessing about her increasing age, decreasing health and eventual death in an unhealthy way. You are right that you're stuck, please get some help to figure out why and how to move past this.

Have a meeting with your brothers and mom. Tell them you are done. Mom needs to move out; you are being kind enough to give her 2 weeks to move.

For the next 2 weeks, you hire (with her money) home health care to provide what she needs. It is unclear to me exactly how much assistance your mother actually requires. She sounds very demanding, but not physically compromised enough that she requires constant monitoring.

Your brothers cannot force you to care for your mom. Neither can she.

Please understand that this slavery is essentially self-imposed.

Your mother is controlling you with Fear, Obligation and Guilt.

NHWM, You have gotten some really good advice here, but unfortunately you keep doing the same thing over and over excepting a different out come.

What I am about to say, I say it out of love, but I think you are trying to get something whether its love, acknowledgment, or something from your mom that she can't or won't give you! You my friend are beating your head against a brick wall; I know because I use to do the same thing with my mother! Then I had a light bulb moment...my mother can't give me what she doesn't have--period! So, I asked myself "what was wrong with me?" After much self-examination and therapy I came to realize it wasn't me, but my mother! It is just how she is hardwired! Then I asked myself "do I really need her approval?" I came up with "No" I don't! I never let people walk all over me except her--why, because she was my mother?! Then I woke up and smelled the coffee...being my mother Doesn't give her the right--period! I always tell people as it was told to me "we teach people how to treat us." I had to reteach my mother that I was not her doormat because when it comes down to it who do I love more--her or myself? I love myself more! Because at the end all we have is God and ourselves! Who do you love more your mom or you? Remember you are going to be with you for the rest of your life!!

It was no mistake that your brothers showed up when your husband was not home. They and your mom knew what they were doing! I'll be damed if I would let anybody disrespect me in my home! I would have told my brothers you need to come back at x amount of time when my husband is home and shut the door in their face! Yes, mom would have been mad and I would have looked right at her and said, "this is my house--my rules."

"You've got the tail wagging the dog." --Dr. Phil

In other words, your mom is calling all the shots in your house!

Stop giving her so much power over you and take your power back!

One last thought, have you concerned that you might be codependent on mom? Because if you are there are some really good books out there to help you to break free and therapy will also help!

I am not judging you or trying to hurt you--I just have been there and done that and got the T-shirt, hat and coffee cup! 💗

Shell38314: "You have gotten some really good advice here, but unfortunately you keep doing the same thing over and over expecting a different out come."

So true. Years ago I was answered the calls for a crisis call center. In the training we learned about a particular type of caller -- "Poor me, ain't it awful, yes but..." NHWM, do you recognize yourself in this phrase?

You need to move the dial from venting to action. Do you think you will be ready at some point to do that?

Yes you are being ridiculous. YOUR house. YOUR rules. You are letting everyone walk and trample all over you. Tell Mom she has to move and make it stick. Give her a firm deadline, get the deadbeat brothers out of your life and move on. This isn’t rocket science, and if you are truly sick of living your life as it is, then change it.
Take care of yourself first.

I know everyone is right. I’m trying to get everything in order. I am worn out. It hurts my husband and children to see this situation.

In the past I have spoken to my family, endlessly, just like Shell says, it’s a brick wall. They will never listen.

I don’t care about their approval anymore. Their opinions don’t matter to me anymore. I’m worn out and can’t face the drama anymore.

I’m not afraid of them. I just don’t want to hear what they have to say anymore. They all think that this is the situation at hand and it is my responsibility to accept it and it’s not.

I already have an assisted living selected if the aid and assistance comes through from veterans. It should be approved.

She will need to pass an assessment first. Home health says she is capable of doing things. The skilled nursing rehab facility discharged her as long as she did another round of home health. She completed it. She had it in her head that she isn’t capable and thinks I have to do everything. I only do what she can’t do alone, like bathing and getting dressed. The rest I have told her she had to do.

Home health told me to back off and let her do on her own the things she can do. So I have.

I’m angry because she plays dirty by calling my brothers. I have no desire to be criticized by them. If they want to have a normal relationship with her with friendly visits, that’s fine. I just don’t want to be around. I don’t like feeling angry. That’s why I want her out. I will not apologize for being angry to them. It’s justified anger.

There is too much water under the bridge. I’d rather leave the house if the come to visit, which they don’t. They only came because she stirred the pot.

It takes too much of a toll on me to continue in this situation. I get frustrated. I don’t like losing my temper or patience. That makes me not like myself. The simple fact is this has gone on for too long, since 2005. Anyone would get burned out. They don’t understand it. It’s too bad but I don’t even care if they understand anymore. I know the truth. They destroyed family relationships. I have done more than my share.

I know she’s my mom. In spite of it all I love her. Still, I wonder? If she is able to be placed in the ALF will I even visit often? At this point I am not even sure. Honestly, I would like to plan a trip, even just a weekend to Florida. I don’t think I could visit often now. Don’t know what that says about me.

I don’t want to be controlled or told what to do by brothers who don’t know anything. I am the one who has all the knowledge about mom because I take care of her! I don’t even want to explain it to them anymore. I simply don’t care about them anymore. It’s sad but true. That’s what happens when a person isn’t treated with respect. They deserve nothing from me.

If she does not pass the assessment then I suppose she will have to give up the little money she has to a nursing home. I have no idea how all of this Medicaid works. She has Medicare and Humana gold plus now.

Once a month there is a caregiver support group near me. I couldn’t make the last one because I didn’t feel well. I like them. Last meetings were focused on two older women, one has a husband with ALZ, the other one has a husband who was living in ALF with her and he is not well enough to stay there. He moved to a nearby nursing home. Poor woman is grieving for him. She misses him terribly. Getting old is hard. I enjoyed meeting these women. They talked about their families and husbands. It was sweet. The social worker who leads the group is terrific. I wish there were people my age in the group caring for parents but this group is seniors caring for spouses. I think I will check around to see about attending another group too, one with women in my age category caring for parents.

I'm saying this kindly - you don't need a caregiver support group, you need someone who can show you why you have allowed what should have been a temporary situation to drag on for 14 years. You need someone to help you understand that you are not now nor have never been responsible for your mother's happiness. You need to stop shoving all your negative emotions down until you blow and then apologizing for finally getting upset and standing up for yourself. I'm glad you're working toward a solution, but going by your posts even there you seem to have no clear understanding of how to get things done and no plan B if you run into a hitch. Your mother and brothers look to you because you have shouldered the responsibility for as long as anyone can remember there being a need, if you get hit by a bus tomorrow what will happen to your mother, and who will step in to make it happen? (Hint, the world will not end and someone Will fill the void)