Sometimes I wish that my parents could just be my parents again. Too much to ask I know, but me taking over as caregiver is like we are changing places in this world. And I just can't stand to see it in their eyes. It's as if panic has set in and we all aren't ready for it. How can we work through this and allow them to go through this next stage of life with dignity and not shame? I don't want our roles reversed. I just want my parents. Silly? Sure sounds it doesn't it?
If you don't leave, please keep me posted and let me know how you are doing. Take care and my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Take care.....
In regards to antidepressants, I understand your reluctance to take them. Yes, they can make you feel "loopy"...HOWEVER, when you find the RIGHT ANTIDEPRESSANT FOR YOU, they make you feel great! I have been on antidepressants for 30+ years because I get depressed easily and to help decrease my fibromyalgia pain. Over the years, as my situation has changed so has the antidepressant medication.
www.drugs.com/drug-class/antidepressants.html
This website has excellent information about antidepressants. There are at least six main types (classes) of antidepressants: tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs), selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI), serotonin and norepinephrine reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs), norepinephrine and dopamine reuptake inhibitors, monoamine oxidase inhibitors (MAOIs), and the atypical antidepressants, such as bupropion. Each type has a slightly different action on specific neurotransmitters. Side effects also differ between classes. You and your doctor will need to work closely together to find the right antidepressant for you and your situation.
WebMD has some short videos about depression:
www.webmd.com/depression/find-happy-17/video-basics-depression
www.webmd.com/depression/find-happy-17/video-basics-antidepressants
TALK THERAPY (AKA Counseling) is also helpful in dealing with depression. This forum is another source of help. Please keep us posted on your situation. God Bless!
Look, people who are legally competent get to make their own bad decisions. And WE are able to put our wellbeing, physical and mental first and say " no, I'm not enabling this fictional independence any longer".
I've been on antidepressants a couple of times in my life. Post Partum for number 2 (was suicidal; also, I was hospitalized). Again, during a tough patch when I was in grad school, soon to be ex was acting up ,etc. Made me able to cope, not want to just lie down and die. And then again, when I entered menopause and just started crying for no reason.
That last time, I was at a community synagogue dinner, helping to cook and my adult daughter came upon me weeping. She said "mom, what's wrong!?" I said, "Aunt Rosana's mom is dying and I can't do anying about it!".
We both started laughing, because it was just so ridiculous. Of COURSE I couldn't do anything about my SIL's mom dying! Most depressions? they attach themselves to whatever reason is available. Get meds. You will feel better! You will get through this, stronger and wiser.
PS, I have not been on anti depressant meds for many years now.
I agree with BarbBrooklyn that you need to see your doctor and that you might benefit from antidepressants, talk therapy or both. You have been going through so much right now. Keep us updated on your situation.
Poem: Letter from a Mother to a Daughter
“My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago.” Just listen, please.
Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep. When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl? When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way. Remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair, and dealing with life’s issues every day.
The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through. If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient, or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you. And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked. When those days come, don’t feel sad—just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared. With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you, my darling daughter.”
Poem: Letter from a Mother to a Daughter posted by A Place for Mom Staff
Do you have a doctor? You need to get yourself in there and talk about your all the time sadness. You might benefit from antidepressants, talk therapy or both.
I'm hoping that the hospice nurses will take note of dad's behavior and get him evaluated for dementia.
Even though Mom and I were "roommates", it hasn't been a bed of roses. Plenty of times, Mom & I disagreed and we have this tendency to "feed off of each other's emotions" until neither of us can take it and we would both disappear to our separate parts of the house (Mom to her bedroom & me to the bedroom in the basement).
Since 2015, Mom's ability to perform ADLs (Activities of Daily Living) has slowly been declining. She no longer was able to cook or clean and we had to go over the bills 2-4 times because she didn't remember what we had paid. I quit sleeping in the basement in Jan 2017 when Mom tried to walk down the stairs because she heard me scream for help (I hadn't screamed-I was quietly reading a book in bed). 2017 was the "YEAR FROM HELL"!!!! (That is for another conversation that I might start if I can quit crying when I talk about everything that happened.) Mom is now at a LTC Memory Care Unit because she needs assistance with her ADLs: eating, getting dressed, toileting, etc. & uses a wheelchair; and because she thinks that I live in _______________ (fill in the blank) such as Hawaii, Florida, California,...; thinks that my brother lives in the house & teaches school (he lives in another state & is not a teacher) and that we gambled away all of her money and sold our two farms. She can hold a conversation for 15 minutes and then wheels away from you or puts the phone down.
BlackHole, you are right about elderly parents re-writing their adult children’s reality--no matter how nice or mean the parents are.
Feelings of denial, sadness, exhaustion, guilt, resentment, fear of unknown...I have them all. While 2017 was HELL, 2018 is better because Mom is in a LTC facility. It is hard to have or make good memories, yet my brother & I try. We all have to cope in our own way. Not all of us are caregivers. Thank goodness for this forum. There is a kinship that we can't get anywhere else.
It is frustrating sometimes being the "parent". My mom's not all there some of the time, but my dad is, but he's no help-as much as I think (hope) he wants to be. I say, please make sure she takes her meds, as I run out the door to work, but he believes her when she says she took them. So I just make sure myself when I come home. My parents have been phenomenal throughout my life and I'm grateful. I try to remind myself that they won't be here forever, enjoy them now. It's a good opportunity to give back to them, for all they've done for me. I certainly couldn't do it without God's strength though, that's for sure!
There was no entertaining the thought of being Mom’s roommate. Cuz that would require a spirit of “meeting me halfway” that Mom didn’t have. And quite frankly, never had.
Mom spent the last 5 years of her life alternating between THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME and martyr and stoic mute.
Mom didn’t know what she was dealing with, either. Cuz she refused to see a doctor. Despite having top-tier medical insurance and more-than-adequate $ and a long-term care policy.
When elderly parents become their own worst enemy, they re-write their adult children’s reality.
Denial? Moderate denial? No denial? Doesn’t matter. From here on in, forget good memories. You probably won’t be making any.
Very draining for those of us who can still drive safely, write legibly and execute a plan. (H*ll, can execute a grocery list in less than 3 hours.)
For many of us caregivers, role-reversal could have been a good outcome. If the stubborn — and legally competent — old goat would have allowed it.