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I went to the cemetery over the weekend, as I usually do and go through the same self questioning, apologizing, and feeling sad over my mom. Then after a few minutes I suddenly came to the realization that I have to move on and start living my life. And as soon as I thought that, the feelings of sadness and grief just left me. And while I still miss my mom, it's not with the same depth of grief or yearning. That realization just snapped me out of it. My mom is in the next world, as I believe, and I am still here with who knows how many years left. So the issue is and has been moving out of state as I have wanted to do for many years. I have been vacillating back and forth, should I move or stay. And I realize that at 65 years old I need to move, just to accomplish this goal I have and wanted to do for many years. If I don't I know I will feel disappointed in myself and that an opportunity has passed. So I am trying to stick with this goal of moving. I feel I really can't and don't want to stay here anymore. So I am giving it a go in 3 or 4 months. If it doesn't work out, I am still in a good position to move somewhere else. But I feel that time is running out and I need to live the life I've wanted to live for a long time in an area I've always loved since I was young. Curious what your advice would be. Any advice, thoughts, concerns is welcome and would be helpful. Thanks.

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It all sounds hopeful. Thanks for sharing!
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Well another update on the road to healing. I’m off to travel back again to where I though I want to move. Checking out some other towns in western New York finger lakes region. I have some more clarity what I want. And thinking about my parents and family and realizing more and more how they are “really” gone from this world. And their hold on me is lessening as I feel more free to shape the life I’d like to live. Not quite sure what that life is but it’s beginning to peek through the fog. I’ve realized a little bit more that I’m in a new stage of life and the things that happened to me growing up in an abusive family is a past life and I can brush that part of my life aside. I do have days I miss my mother deeply but she’s earned the right to move on to the next life (my belief) and in that sense I’m happy for her. I’ve somewhat stopped looking at her passing as a tradgedy and have somehow reframed it as a reward for her hard life and suffering. It’s all very difficult to put into words. But even though the grief rears it’s ugly head uninvited I’m seeing this as my birth into a new life however foggy it appears at this time. I’m beginning to look forward more and less into the past. Just thought I’d try to express that a bit. All very complicated I guess.
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Bloom, you're showing a new level of insight into the post-death grieving and recovery process, seeing the positives and negatives of both sides of making changes and segueing into a new, modified or different lifestyle and location.

The observation that you can "go into any direction" you want is an insightful one, and something I plan to "add" to my own post death planning. I'm still fighting to get out of the "I have to..." or "I need to..." mode in terms of managing and then wrapping up the Estate.

It's coincident that you posted these observations on a holiday weekend. I was thinking the same thing. Trust and estate work gets set aside today. I'm rereading for the umpteenth time one of my favorite author's books - Peter Mayle, on his transition from England to France. I'll sit back with some lemonade and dream about living in Provence, one of my lifelong dreams.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts on your journey, today, and life going forward. I think contemplating these options is one of the necessary recovery actions after we lose someone.
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One step and one day at a time, Bloom!
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I hope everyone is doing well. Caregiving and grief is so not easy. I’ve had a few days of the grief rising to the surface unasked again. Sadness. But I bounce back quicker. Time and a lot of reflecting has given me some clarity. My mom had a nervous breakdown when I was 12 and spent most of her life recovering. So I see now that I’ve kind of been helping her most of my life. Sometimes reluctantly. That’s my biggest regret. I wish I had more awareness and compassion for her, even though I was so young and pretty unaware into my 30s! I had to fend for myself growing up. Parents were not there for me. And the strange thing is they never talked about themselves so I know very little about their growing up years and there parents. So this morning I am more aware that my caregiving days are over and it’s my choice on how to move forward. But at the same time I am finding I’m not ready for change, even so much as moving furniture. So on one I very much want to move to a new nicer location, mountains, streams, nice weather...on the other I find I’m not ready. So I’m staying out another year to work out my feelings and gain more insight into my life and process my moms passing. But as each day passes I realize just a little more that, hey, I can go into any direction I want.
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CDN, 3 deaths in a year is a LOT to deal with. You have some extra challenges to face, so I hope you're being kind to yourself and taking all the time you need.
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Thanks all. I can’t imagine having multiple losses. It was hard enough losing one parent. I have wrestled with my beliefs of life after death and chose to believe in it as it gives me hope. Maybe that belief is silly and not true but I’ve come to the conclusion I need hope and would rather have hope than not have it. Yes it’s difficult to experience all this and really don’t want to go through this again. It’s been a life changing experience and I have a feeling I’ll discover that I have become a different person on some ways. I’m writing this after a sleepless night so maybe I’m rambling on. But I must be evolving into something new as I look back to when my mother was here and that feels like a past life for me. A life that is over and now I’m moving forward into another stage of life and it’s a little scary as I don’t yet know what’s down the road for me.
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Dear Bloom,

Thank you for letting us know how are you doing. I find myself in the same boat. Wanting a change of scenery but, I, too have decided to stay put for another year.

Grief is a long journey. It sometimes shocks me that its almost 19 months since my father passed. And since then I've also had to process the loss of my grandmother and aunt. I wish coming to terms with loss was easier.

Glad you are hanging in there. Take care and thanks again for letting us know how are you doing.
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I too am glad to have an update on your journey. I knew months ago that you would find yourself again, not only as you moved forward but as you expanded your journey and experienced new perspectives. And that reconnection with self brings with it new insights and perspectives.

Sometimes I wish I could take a bullet train or something with such high speed that I could quickly journey pass the immediate post death rediscovery, but I also recognize that it's a valuable and probably necessary process of coming to terms with loss.
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Bloom; It's so good to hear from you!

I'm glad that you're making your way one step at a time. It's the only way.

Be well, and let us know how your journey forward progresses.
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Bloom, So good to hear from you. Glad that you’re making progress and have a new therapist. It’s journey to go they grief - not an overnight thing.
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First I'd like to thank everyone for their help. It means a lot to me. I thought I would post an update. Well, it's been 1 year and 2 months since my mother has passed on. I'm doing much better in general. Although there are still moments of sadness and tears. And not a day goes by that I don't think of her several times a day.

I still have this burning desire to move back to where I grew up. But I realize its my desire to "return" to my family and the feelings of safety, security, love, etc. I got another therapist back in January, I think I mentioned that. She helped me figure these things out and some ways to cope. She didn't try to keep me coming back for more therapy. We both agreed I was doing better. It was an online therapist. But I still have to say, it's still hard to deal with grief in some ways. I no longer am beating myself up for the decisions I made. And mostly, do not feel the depths of sadness I once felt. Though, I feel quite alone at times since I have no immediate family anymore. My sister is still alive, but wants me out of her life and as I might have mentioned in a previous post, she didn't care if my mother was dying. The strange thing is, I have a strong desire to travel up to where she lives and try to reconcile with her. I guess that's also an attempt to "get back" to my family. I realize my sister probably won't change her attitude. So while I'd like to get in the car and drive 3+ days to Oregon(!), it's probably a futile attempt and not realistic. Although, I'd love to visit Oregon. So all in all I'm still trying to figure out what I want and where I want to live. However, I've decided to stay put for another year. I am getting more clarity as to the environment I would like to live in. So that's progress.

I have to say that I can't imagine the loss and grief people go through when a child or spouse dies. I had imagined the universe would have shown me the way forward, but nope, it appears I have to do it myself - at least that how it appears to me at this time. So that's a good lesson for me. I'm just playing it safe at present and staying put. The world situation kinda scares me, so I don't want to make any drastic changes at this time.

Again, thanks for listening, and helping me during this time. I guess we all go through it. The light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter for me, but still somewhat far away.
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Just a few thoughts - I posted a month ago to ask for advice about being a carer for my mum who sadly passed away 2 weeks ago - had lots of kind words and advice. I spent 3 years looking after her , selling my house and leaving an extremely well paid job - I find I too must now start looking to the future and start living again - although I am still so sad and angry about the circumstances she died in ( I somewhat tricked her into going to a care home - where she died in great agitation) I have to live with that guilt - but will not let it consume me. I had lots of plans for what I was going to do when the inevitable happened but now I have managed to do all the "paperwork" etc I find myself now questioning my decisions - should I move , go on holiday , get that tatoo I always promised myself , travel around the world? Will all of these things help me to forget or is it still going to be the same after these things have been done and Im back to reality ?

bloomschool I sympathise and understand exactly what you are going through - I hope you make the right desicion for you !! Much Love
MickyC
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I too have had a difficult time of processing grief and so, I understand your grief ,and hope you too will seek comfort in Jesus. He is the way, the truth and the light.
Bloom there is a glorious afterlife for the children of God.
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Bloom, I believe that we will always be sent what we need when we need it most. It is always helpful to know we are not alone in our struggles. Wonderful that these things happened to you and you knew there are others with the same struggles and share their experiences.
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Today is the one year anniversary of my mothers passing. Yesterday, one year ago, was the last time I saw my mother. I would visit her in the mornings in hospice, at the nursing home, and she was pretty much out of it at that time. And in the evenings I'd call her up and they'd put a phone to her ear and I told her I loved her and it was alright if she wanted to go now. The nurse told me my mother would respond by moving her legs as I talked. Well, I hope she heard me. I find it difficult to understand how I made it through all that. Yesterday morning, upon thinking about all that, I sobbed a few times in the morning. Then I felt ok, today, anxious feelings. Even though its been over for a year, I still feel the feelings of going through it. A year ago, tonight around 11pm or so, she passed on to the next world. (I hope there's a next world!) 2 of the strange things that happened to me I will relate now. When she was still well, and at the assisted living place, in her own apartment there, I got a call from my ex-boss who told me his girlfriends mother got pneumonia and died. The day after he told me that, I visit my mom, and she's fine, I say goodbye and go home. Get home and I'm relieved that she is doing ok. That evening, however, I get a call from assisted living and they tell me she sick and should they call an ambulance. I say yes, I get to the home, the ambulance arrives, and I spend the night in emergency room. They tell me she has pneumonia. That started the two months of hospitals and hospice. She gets out of the hospital goes to the nursing home, in a matter of hours, they send her back to another hospital very sick. Apparently the brilliant doctor had released her while she still had a UTI. Well, she's at the second hospital for 4 days and they knocked out the UTI and send her back to the nursing home. The day before she goes into the nursing home, I get a call from a long lost friend from back in 1973. We catch up and he tells me his mom went into hospice and of course passed on. The next day I visit my mom at the nursing home and the first thing the manager tells me is my mom needs to go into hospice. To summarize, at each step of the way, I would get these calls and be told what happened to them, and the next day, I was told the exact same thing about my mom. Other things like that happened to me, too, a year or two before my mom died. So you be the judge. I tend to think we are all guided in some sense or in some ways. I don't understand it. But in any case, it gives me hope, that we live on after this life.
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Dear Bloom,

Thank you for the update. I am with you. I too wanted to move soon after my dad's passing, but now I've decided to stay put for another year as well.

I thought I wanted to make a fresh start, but now I realize that would have only added to my stress.

I have to agree with you, day by day for now. And not pushing too hard is a better way to go.
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bloom -good to hear from you. So glad the new therapist is helping you and that you are feeling much better. Wanting a "geographical" change is usually due to running away from something. The first anniversary of losing someone often brings flashbacks of memories and feelings. Loss is hard and there is no escaping that.

Day to day and not pushing yourself sounds good. Eventually more things in your life will become important and take up more of your thoughts. ((((((hugs)))))
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Just an update. I decided not to move. While I was out east looking at an apartment I felt a strong desire not to move. I also got depressed again. Got a new therapist. Feel much better. I discovered that my Very strong wish to move is actually an urge to escape my grief. So that was good to learn about myself. And it’s coming up to a year since my mother died. I now see the wisdom in waiting at least a year before making a life change. So now I’m just taking it day to day. Not pushing myself so hard.
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Well, I've decided to stay where I am at. Maybe move to a new bigger apartment here or I was considering a mobile home. Looked at one last week. Very nice home and area. But in any case, yes it's too early to make any big life changes. Although I'd like to get out of this cold winter weather once and for all. Today I remembered what it was like to visit my mom when she was healthy and ok. The memory was vivid, just like I could go over today and visit. How I wish I could. Memories and feelings can be confusing at times. But I got a new therapist and I see that grief is going to take some time. Thanks for all your input and ideas.
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bloom - at least you figured that out about apartments. Yes, you miss your mother and always will, but you will learn to live around the missing. However, it takes time. Agreed grief is no fun and rebuilding your life after any loss is a big and difficult task. One step at a time. Believe me, family can be a mixed blessing, but, it is never too late to make friends.
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Dear Bloom,

Good first step to look at the apartment. I do think that building a new life after loss takes a lot of trial and error. Its been a year since my dad passed and I am still in a holding pattern myself. I take a lot of hope and inspiration from everyone here. I was also thinking of buying a new home but now I'm not so sure. Everything is so expensive. I keep window shopping and try to keep all my options opened.

I'm so sorry there is not more family support. I have relatives but in all honesty I don't feel like I can count on them. Not really. I have to be a bit of lone wolf with my grief.

Keep us posted. I hope with more time things will come together.
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Well I took a look at the apartment and decided against it. I’m thinking it’s too early to move. Plus I’m tired of living in apartments. So at least I learned that from this trip. Grief is no fun. Rebuilding ones life after a major loss is difficult. Maybe it’s in our nature to continually strive for the better things in life? But I miss my mother. Perhaps if I had family it would be easier.
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Dear Bloom,

Thank you for the updates. I know its really hard. But I'm glad you are taking the step to look at this new apartment. You were a very loving and dutiful son. A year since my father's passing I still have some guilt and thoughts about how I could have prolonged his life. I think it will be a struggle but at the same time, I tell myself to stop and not do that to myself. I know its hard but keep taking it day by day.

Dear Golden,

Thank you for your kind encouragement and hopeful words. Change sure isn't easy. I know I have to be more receptive to rebuilding and refocusing on a new life, even though I had taken the old life for granted. Still miss my dad and his presence, the second year of grief and I am still feeling unsettled. But I get a lot of hope from all of you.

Happy New Year to you too. Hard to believe January is almost over.
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Good for you! I hope the apartment is lovely and just what you want. And if it isn't, you will just move on to the next step.
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Well all good comments. I realize tha I can constantly remind myself of my loss/losses or just move on and build a new life. So as I write this I am in a motel in New York State, where I’ve wanted to move, and tomorrow I have an appointment to view an apartment. I will always have doubts as that is my personality. So I need to be decisive if I move. My mother is gone from this world, a harsh reality. And I wish it weren’t so. Now I have to rebuild, and it’s not going to happen magically on its own. Wherever I go I have to rebuild my life from the bottom.
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Arwen - yes, indeed, Feel your feelings, be true to how you are. Life is not all roses and sunshine, and what we want it to be.

bloom - it is said that the first year or two you live your life around your grief, then after, you live your grief around your life. I have found that to be true. All of what you are experiencing is normal grief.
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Hi Bloom, how are you feeling?

I think Golden23 is right. It's not just the loss of your mom, it's also the "loss" of your job.
You have a tough couple, here. No wonder you feel confused and empty.
You know, I'm realizing more and more that sometimes I force myself to be productive and most of all to "feel" productive when I all I really need is to feel the void and accept it as natural; as Golden 23 says, what is important to you will emerge.

many blessings
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Hi bloom -you probably do need a new purpose and meaning in life and to be more centered around yourself. Thinking about the past and things one could have done better are normal aspects of grief. Changing your plans is too, hence the advice not to make big changes for at least a year. I know it is not a comfortable place to be in, but it is part of the journey you are on. Sometimes it is one day at a time and making the best of that. You are tired of the cold You can now move where it is warmer. Think on it. Eventually you will become more at ease, and what is important to you will emerge. (((((((hugs))))))
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Well, due to the snow/winter storm in the east, I didn't drive into New York State. Now I am changing my plans. Maybe drive west! Tired of this cold. Still confused as usual. Thanks.
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