My older sister has a son with some issues. He's 35 and has never worked and was homeless for a while and almost died. It was so hard on my sister and all of us. We love him but there are trust issues. He's been taking care of our mother and Mom pays him for driving her places and doing some chores around the house. I've had an argument with my sister because the son - my nephew - has Mom's credit card and uses it to shop for Mom. Sis and I are having tension between us because I don't totally trust my nephew. He tried to scam our mother out of some money a few years ago when he was homeless. He has not done this since he has lived with Mom - at least to my knowledge. But Mom said she wants her credit card back and it's making her anxious that the nephew has it. Mom has asked for it back and nephew says he needs to keep it so he can do her shopping. I feel like he should just borrow the card when he goes to the store and return it. My sister thinks he's reformed and should be trusted. I think this is unfair to my mother. It's so hard when these things come up in the family and having my nephew included in the caregiving of Mom seems like it mostly adds to the stress for me. I want to help him and therefore, my sister, but it's exhausting.
Furthermore, Nephew should return the card each time to his grandmother. It's her card and her wishes must be respected. No matter what, it tells Nephew and Sister that his actions are being observed.
You don't "owe" it to your nephew or your sister to help him out by allowing him to care for your mother. By allowing him to continue in this role, you are putting your mother's financial, emotional, and perhaps physical well being in danger. Please do what you can to remove him from this current "care-taking" role he has in your mother's life.
"There is not one cardholder agreement that states you may not lend your card to another. In fact, every issuer realizes this happens and in their cardholder agreement places terms that read that not only are you liable for authorized users with cards in their own name, but you are also liable for spending of de facto authorized users such as when you allow others to use your card.
What WILL be illegal is if you defraud the bank by claiming charges are unauthorized when, in fact, you voluntarily parted with your card and PIN."
HOWEVER, it is against the law for him to not give the card back.
You can...
ensure there is a strict credit limit on the card;
go through the statements, which is something your mother ought to do anyway as a matter of routine, and so should all of us, hem-hem;
explain to nephew that transparency is there to protect *him*, too, from accusations or suspicions.
This isn't like trusting a teenager to be sleeping over at a friend's house. This is the correct procedure for managing the finances of a vulnerable elder. Everyone should be doing everything in plain sight, for the avoidance of doubt and misunderstanding.
If mom wants her card back, there should be NO discussion.. he should turn it over, pronto. If he doesn't, cancel it and apply for a new one. Give him cash to go to the store for her and ask for the receipt and change when he returns.
The bigger problem, though, might be the trust issue... sounds like mom may not be entirely comfortable with the nephew-as-caregiver in her life.
My brother lived with my grandmother for 15 years. “Assisting her”. After grandmother passed away he then moved in with our Dad. My dad is now in assisted living and I managed to get durable POA. Dad has long term care insurance but in order to pay the remaining amount due to the facility I had to demand that my brother leave the card at the facility and only use it the day he visits. Good Luck
I had a similar situation.
Mom with Dementia and my shady sister. Shady sister borrowing money and maybe paying Mom back in such a swift cycle Mom couldn’t keep up with what my sister actually owed her.
Mom with Dementia while reviewing her bank statement SWORE she didn’t make a certain ATM withdrawal. Mom inquired with bank. She wanted proof. There would be a $75 charge to pull Video from ATM. Mom didn’t care she SWORE she didn’t do it. Fine we were gonna do it. BUT, bank also stated if Mom had not made the withdrawal the person that had would have charges pressed against them regardless of Mom’s wishes.
So, I ran this by shady sister face to face. Tears, outrage, denial. Told her fine just wanted to run this past you because Mom’s having Video pulled.
Shady sister could not have been 5 minutes down the road when she called me to confess.
Then, shady sister started taking Mom grocery shopping. The bank statements looked fine. The complaints started again that shady sister had borrowed money and hadn’t paid Mom back. During these grocery shopping trips 2-3 times a week they were getting “cash back”.
It is so sad that even family will take advantage of an elder with Dementia but it does happen.
Oh...I referred to the above institution as a bank, it was in fact a Credit Union. The card mentioned could be used at an ATM, used as a debit card, used as a credit card but with only a two day delay on the transaction being posted to the checking account.
This way he doesn't have access to big money but can keep it in his wallet for convenience - your mom will be more comfortable with hers in her wallet because most people like to keep control of these things themselves
Is he being paid for his help or is he getting room & board in lieu of money for some help - as your mom needs more help he should be getting some spending money at least - try to set it up so that your mom pays him by cheque with it noted on cheque that this is help payment so maybe she can write some of it off on her taxes as medical payments so check where you live what is the best way to do this
This will help your nephew get a job later as he will be able to show employment during this time even if it is only classified as part time - if you do this in a manner that says you want to help him long term so that he can have a future - using this manner could make things better with your sister too because you are helping her son up the ladder of prosperty
The problem has been partly solved if Mom is moving to Assisted Living but not totally.
I am the caregiver for
my wife and have a very large family; (5) children, (17) grandchildren all grown and married and (23) great grandchildren. I come from a wealth of life experiences. Someone earlier has it 100%!l right. Your sister is an enabler. No one should have her credit card. In fact, depending upon your Mom’s state of mind, she probably shouldn’t even have a credit card. If that is not possible, then the suggestion of a pre-paid card is best, but not if she is the one that can “re-charge “ the available funds.
My own mother, the smartest woman I have ever known, was subject to being conned by family members from grandchildren on down. The older she got the more vulnerable she became. All this is coming from a man who has been accused of being “too trusting” all of my life. But “too trusting “ is not the same as “too stupid”.
Someone in your family that is 100% trustworthy should try and take over your Mom’s finances and it doesn’t sound like it should be your sister.
There are other ways, as many posters have suggested, to allow your nephew to continue shopping for her.
I think it is good that nephew is being given a chance to show he has changed. Doesn't mean he shouldn't be monitored, and it may be a kindness to him to remove a source of temptation.
What a desperate, homeless person might do is not necessarily indicative of how he would behave when he is not desperate.
Speaking of homeless, where is he going to live when Mom goes into assisted living?
I wondered the same thing, but decided to just address the issue OP asked about in my comment... First guess, though, was with the enabler.... Mom (aka sister.)
yes, credit cards in facilities can be issue. As well as wallet, money, etc. Dad had
wallet and money stolen, credit cards either lost or stolen several times, car attempted
to be taken, erm "borrowed", loan requests, investment requests, phony service requests, and countless scams both within community but mostly online. Dad finally
quit using his credit card, except for his weekly outings and doctors appts. Had
countless calls to credit card companies to stop charges on scams and auto ordering.
Waaaaaste of time and nerve wracking.
Cant imagine why your nephew wouldn't put the card back into your mom's wallet
every time for her piece of mind. Credit cards are kind of scary. Seems like free
money....with the equivalent of modern day loan sharks lurking around the corner.