Their future vs. our future.

In my understanding, for both of your inlaws on dialysis, the blood levels of their Kidney Function, the BUN and CREATININE can and do affect their thinking when elevated, which would be right before each dialysis treatment. This confused or foggy thinking will reek havoc on the caregivers, as they are probably on dialysis 2-3 times per week. Clearly, they are in very poor physical shape, and if you re receiving money to care for them in a program put on by Alaska, then the most important thing for you to do is to Stay Put! They are in No Shape to travel! To move? Not even Possible! Just the rearranging of their health care needs would be enough to put them over the Top!

Your MIL is acting all sorts of irresponsible, and you should never play into it, and allow her to push your buttons on this. Tell them, there's the door, that no one is holding them hostage, and that you have only ever tried to help them. Tell her you can put her in touch with the county Social Services, and she can discuss any move she wishes to make with them, but you and your husband are staying, where he has a good job, and that you have made Alaska your permanent home, PERIOD!

We All want things we cannot have! You are very lucky to be in a position to even be able to help them, and to be paid (although I'm sure it's not a lot) as an Aide, to help care for them. THEY, are Very lucky you have stepped up to help, and even Agreed to take them to live in Alaska, which is what They Wanted in the first place, as I understand this.

My suggestion to you, is to call the Social Worker, on their case, you must have one, and ask her about placing them into a Nursing home, or Assisted living situation.

Being that Alaska is a well funded state, you may even be able to get them into a Waver Program, that will fund them to live in an Assisted living type apartment, or HUD funded programs for low income housing. There are programs out there, but there is a fair amount of research involved in finding them.

Call your counties LOCAL AREA ON AGING, in the Senior Services section, and connect with them. They Will send someone out to your home, to evaluate their situation and find you all sorts of help, especially if they qualify for SSI. At some point, you Will have to put your hands up and SURRENDER! Sooner is usually better than later, for all concerned, so they will be in a system that will help them.

It's time, time for you and your husband to live independently of his parents. You will, I'm sure, still be an integral part of their well being, as just because they move out of your home, will not (unfortunately) release you of all ties to their care, that and because you still care about them.

You are a good and kind person, to have done this so long and on your own, but it is beyond your scope of care, to manage Two, very sick people, and that doesn't even address any Mental Illness that goes along with this!

Good luck on finding them the appropriate care, and for you, on getting your Life Back!

She would be busy going to activities in a nursing home and would be able to dwell on moving.

Has she been seen by a geriatric psychiatrist? Meds might improve her mood.

Her "nonsense" sounds like she wants to be number 1 in her son's life. It doesn't work that way when your adult child is married and she must deal with that reality, like it or not.

"Putting her in a nursing home will literally kill her and she'll hate my husband forever; she'd die of a broken heart."

Nonsense. She might be very displeased, but she won't die of it.

Maren, purely to satisfy my curiosity - WHY did your MIL pick on Alaska? What reason did she give for wanting to move there?

Her relatives call every now and then, including a sister who is fully able to work but calls and asks for money knowin full well she is on SSI. That is the kicker: her siblings begged us to move them back to Utah but they never come around when we go down there for a week of vacation. We go once a year to visit them in Utah [the trip alone of taking her and her husband is draining] and they never stop by unless we all have one big dinner and that is it. No one called on Christmas or New Year's so it doesn't make sense to us why she would want to move back. Her husband is her responsibility, true, if he wasn't sick himself. He had to get a triple bypass surgery back in 2011 that put him in a coma for a few weeks. He had to be retrained to do everything: walking, eating, etc. His memory is iffy and his cognitive thinking is out the door. He has had 3 strokes leaving the left side weak. He is also on dialysis and has everything else she has: diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, gout, etc. and he is on a catheter due to not being able to urinate after his surger to get his fistula inserted into his arm. They are both really sick.

I learned from my husband today that she brought up the subject of moving back to Utah again. When he brought up his job she said that his job was the only thing he cared about and he is money hungry blah blah blah. We're learning to tune it out but it sure does get my blood boiling. She only gets $800 in SSI a month. You think that takes care of everything she wants/needs?! NO. We make up for the rest.

I'm sorry, I think at this point I'm just venting. But thank you all. You have eased our minds and our conscience about moving back. We in no way feel guilty of keeping them here despite her own breakdowns. We just feel sorry for her. We wish she could find happiness here in Alaska, but it's like she wants to be miserable so we can feel guilty about keeping them here.

Marin, my mthr did the same thing with the "if you dont do x ill kill myself" game. My therapist encouraged me to call her bluff. And to NOT do x purposefully and TELL her that i/we were NOT, to force her to back off or threaten suicide. (Do this on a friday during the day so you have extra weekend days). When she says, "Im going to go home and kill myself because you ....", you pick up the phone and call 911 for a suicidal threat. NEVER leave a suicidal person alone and untreated. When the EMTs arrive, tell them that shes been soeing sighns of mental instability and that she said she was going to go home to kill herself, and you believe her, and she needs observation and possibly medication. She will then either get the mental health care she needs ir she will never threaten suicide again. You cannot live in fear of her killing herself.

I do understand the cultural responsibilities in many parts of the world to take care of elderly parents but your husband is not their biological son. You are his wife not their daughter.
You moved to AK to please them. Didn't work did it? Why would moving back to Utah be a solution to MIL's unhappiness? Not a chance is there?
MIL is only 61 and has a husband presumably about the same age. She is his responsibility.
MIL has health problems that are going to kill her sooner rather than later. She is receiving dialysis, not eating and sleeping most of the time. In my book those are sure signs that the end is fast approaching. What will happen to FIL once she dies? Is he as objectionable as she is? Can you continue to look after and care for him?
So she is threatening suicide, this unfortuantely has to be taken seriously even if only a manipulative threat. has she ever made an attempt to actually kill herself and does she have the means? Next time she threatens treat it as a real emergency and call 911 (she is a danger to herself and possibly others) and requires emergency psychiatric admission even if only a 72 hour order.
Moving someone this sick even if they were the nicest person in the world such a distance to an uncertain future is out of the question. You are right it would probably kill her but from physical illness not psychological reasons.
You could try the reasonable approach like "Once your kidney function tests return to normal we will think about it" of course if she is receiving dialysis you know they won't. She may not be actually mentally ill just a really nasty person. her behavior could be due in part at least to her electrolyte inbalence from the kidney failure. Ask hubby if she has always been like this, if not when did it start
Do any of her relatives make an attempt to keep in touch with her? Would they visit if invited? So how much woud they support her if you all moved back? i don't mean physical care they are all obviously not able to do that but would they even bother to phone or visit or welcome a visit from her if you took her?
You say there is not eldercare program similar to the one in AK in Utah so it would be stupid to give up that benefit You by the way are not responsible for their financial support even though you feel obligated..
As far as the rent owing on the apartment is concerned. Obviously there was some bad management on someones part to allow that to happen but if you return to Utah the landlord will try and collect and almost certainly has put it on your credit report so renting there will be a major problem. it would be much more difficult for him to travel to Alaska to collect and although it will continue to damage your credit the chances are he will just write off the loss.
Having said all that it is very clear that your decision is correct in not going back to Utah for many reasons and one you should not feel in any way guilty about because it is not in anyone's best interests. So stick to your guns and overtime she brings it up just tell her she is too ill to make such a move and walk away. no discussion needed even if she shouts and screams,She is the one with the problem not you. having some councillig sounds like a good idea as it will give you you more support.

Maren, what made your MIL believe she wanted to move to Alaska? What, she was just sitting around musing one fine day in Utah and thought "wouldn't it be great if..."?

Hmm. I'm imagining myself as your MIL's GP. I look at the printout of her results there, and I ask her how she thinks she's doing. She proudly says "my son and daughter in law look after me." And I say "yup. How would you say that's working out for your health?"

Putting her in a good nursing home might literally save her. From her own whims and her own reluctance to attend to her own health, for example. She's in terrible shape and it's pretty obvious that you and your husband are utterly unable to prevail on her to do anything about it.

She's 61. She is responsible for her welfare. Not your husband, and definitely not you. Don't you feel just a little bit angry with her sometimes?

She's 61 but VERY sick. Her family has history of heart problems despite her denial about it. She currently has/had breast cancer, gout, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, diabetes, kidney failure, neuropathy, blindness, etc the list seems to grow longer by the year. Putting her in a nursing home will literally kill her and she'll hate my husband forever; she'd die of a broken heart.

I'm currently looking into counseling, I think it's needed. I had another bad day today of just crying because it's SO hard. I seriously don't know how you all do it.

Pearls2Swine1:

-We currently live in Alaska. We used to live in Utah and my in laws want to move back to Utah. They both live with my husband and I.

-When my MIL first brought up the idea of moving to Alaska our initial response was no. All of my husband's family and not to mention my family all lived in Utah, it didn't make sense for us to move away from everyone but she insisted. So my husband told her IF we were to move [he was trying to get her to stop talking about it] then they both would be buried in Alaska, and she agreed.

-IF, BIG IF, we ever did move back to Utah we would all be living together, again. My husband is their only [adopted] child, no children of their own.

-We had relatives of a relative take over the lease for us midway through because we didn't have the money to cut the lease short. They paid on time up until the lease ended, but then for some reason stopped paying it three months after the last month of the lease. After the lease was done, they charged us month by month as any other rental property. We were never told until we were reported and we got a letter from a lawyer telling us we owed $10,000 for unpaid rent.

-Yes, we all moved to Alaska and my husband and I have made Alaska our home. But they want to move back because they miss their family members.

-There is no inheritance. If anything, the only thing we'll be inheriting from them is their debt. Seriously still trying to pay off all the things they were doing before they got sick.

I am confused about who lives where, now,before and where in the future,I guess it does not matter as far as advice, since whoever is wherever whenever, it must be opposite of where you are now or were, I guess?

My in laws have all their siblings and their families in another state and they are begging my husband [their son] and I to move back so they can be "happy" towards the end of their lives.

THE state they want you to MOVE BACK to is Alaska or Utah?
Do they live with you now, if so where?


Never mind that it was her idea to move to Alaska and when we discussed making that move that they both would be buried in Alaska. "Yeah, I know" was her response.

SO they both would be buried in alaska, so they have not moved there yet,


Never mind that the people we leased our apartment to in Utah didn't pay the rent for 3 months after the lease was over [it renewed month to month after the 12 month lease] and now we owe over $10,000.

SO you did move to Alaska ,cause you rented your apartment out and they didnt pay the rent for 3 months after their/your lease expired and it went month to month and now owe the Utah landlord $10,000
so have you moved back into your apartment, if so with your inlaws tagging along too? you say you care for them, but also say Utah wont pay to care for them so you wil have to get a job if you move to Utah.
But that means you are still in Alaska, Im confused.

There is no one in Utah who will give us an apartment.
OH there is no one in Utah to give you an apartment..
So I guess you are in Alaska and your Utah apartment is rented out to someone.


We pay our bills, I promise. We're not ones to neglect something we owe but we didn't live in that apartment for 6 months when the lease was up.
OK they quit paying for 3 months after the lease expired,and for 6 months you never lived there when the lease is up, so you owe $10,000 cause your Utah apartment was empty, I wonder why the owner let it sit empty for 6 months with no lease and bill you $10,000 for the months nobody lived there even though no lease existed.

I don't want to live with anymore of my in laws because I've been through that already and I'd go homeless before putting myself through that again. My husband has found a wonderful job here in Alaska where we can plan for our future here.
BUT wait, your husband found a wonderful job here in Alaska,
so I guess you are living in Alaska and your inlaws want you to move back to Utah, but you have no home or job there and Utah wont pay you like Alaska does
So I guess you and in laws moved to Alaska and they want you all to move to Utah.

But his parents insist we move back, live with whoever, and find another job that's just as well paying and good as his job now.

I take care of them full time and I get paid by the state for it but Utah doesn't have that kind of program so I'd have to find a FT job myself and no one will be able to be with them.
OK So you all are in Alaska and moving to Utah is MOVING BACK

I get so annoyed when she brings up moving back. She doesn't know how hard it'll be. She won't be the one to pack up everything. She now refuses to do physical therapy because she wants to move back and she's tired.

If she's not at dialysis or eating, she's in bed sleeping. I feel justified in not wanting to move back because it's foolish...but sometimes a part of me feels like we should just so she can quit complaining about everything. I've been taking care of them since we got married.
OK EVER since you got married you cared for them, so they lived with you every day in Alaska and they want to go to Utah were they wont pay you

don't like being pitied but I do want to plan my future with my husband after they're gone. Moving back for them changes everything for our future. All of their family in Utah say they'll help us out but when we go back for visits none of their siblings, except 2, come by unless it's the day we're leaving. Ugh. Am I selfish in thinking about our future?

I see they have no money to pay you or leave you so they cannot revoke your inheritance, they want you to move where you will have to be gone and nobody to care for them, forget that! My Grandmother took Pradaxa, had strokes for 2 yrs , profoundly changed and secretly changed the $2.3 million trust, breaching our care contract in secret, in fact she even revoked the irrevocable B trust that was my Grandfathers and 1/2 the money should have been fundibg it not letting it be stale and find a crook lawyer to help her hide the fact B beneficiaries are getting tortiously interfered with!

BES997, I read your comment and have wondered if you are still living with your husband after all the bad treatment he dished out. I think when the FIL pulled the rotten tooth out and laid it on the table would be when I would go in my room, pack a bag and leave. I would tell my husband that the slave days are over and DON'T come back until HE fixes the situation. You may not have a home to come back to but nothing is better than what you have described you're living in. That's disgusting to have the in-laws tell you that you are not part of the family but expect you to be the maidservant ! You deserve better and if he won't give it to you, give it to yourself. I know this is about maren88 but you need some help too. good luck in finding your new future.

Maren88. I had the same reaction as LindaVal! 61!! Omg. Everyone is saying the same thing to you. She needs to be evaluated and placed in an appropriate facility. The old siblings can't take care of her (I know this from personal experience) nor can you. The facility can be in AK or UT. Whichever provides the most services.

I think you should stay and not feel badly about it. You have the right to be happy. She is not being rational, tell her no and let that be the end of it.

Your MIL is only 61?? You poor thing. Unless your husband's family has a bad health history, you may have another 20 years of this. I agree with Barb that you should involve mental health professionals. Even if she's not really suicidal, saying that allows you to bring them in. I understand social and cultural pressures, but your husband has to step up and be kind but firm. You and your husband might benefit fro counseling or a caregivers group if there is one nearby. Do you or you MIL have any resources to get some I home help? Is there a senior day care facility nearby?

Marren, have her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist while she is in the hospital. I agree with the previous poster who says that she is mentally ill.

I would also talk to the discharge planners about what level of care she needs, going forward. They may be able to assist you with placing her.

U have me confused. In-laws r in Alaska and u Utah? You have lived with them before and it didn't work and ur now financially strapped because u subleased to be with them? If ur husband doesn't care why RU upset. He has told u he likes his job and the money is good. Looks like ur the one expected to give up for them. I would stay where I am. Since family all seems to be n Utah then they should make the move back to be near family. Get them into a nice senior community. If they don't have the money, they may be able to get help thru Medicaid. See what I available to them in the area they move back to. Explain to them you have jobs and lives and r willing to help "as much as possible". But they must do as much as they can on their own. These people r not ur responsibility but ur husband's. If he was all for moving near them (not with them), then as his wife I would go with him but I would make it clear that ur not giving up your total life for them. They r his parents. My MIL wanted us to move from NJ to Fla, where she chose to retire to. Miles from her boys, one living in GA the other Miss. I told her I couldn't leave my Mom. She expected my Mom to move with us. Told her at 80 I was not moving my Mom from her life here where she was involved.

maren, I have a deep down feeling that you are doing the right thing. My mother does the same thing to me as your MIL does to your husband. Trying to lay guilt on a son or daughter is a very bad thing to do. I find it helps to thing of them as the children now who need our wise care. We aren't free to do things on a whim because we have responsibilities of our own. Not hearing from the siblings speaks loudly to me that they don't want to be responsible. They might have been afraid if they called that your MIL would ask them specifically if she could stay with them and they wanted to avoid that.

Again, think of yourself and your own future. If the person is suicidal as you're describing, she probably belongs in a mental hospital. Don't let her use her mental illness to manipulate you. I faced something similar with an elderly friend who long since died in January 2016, and he would often and unexpectedly start acting sick just to manipulate others. When we found out, I don't know what everyone else did but I started wising up to this and I started just not catering to his demands. He was eventually put into a nursing home where he very shortly after died

Thank you all for your input. I recently came across this website a couple of weeks ago and read posts all day submitted by members and couldn't believe the same things we go through, some of you go through as well..or worse. This website has been a huge help to my husband and I in the short time we joined. I still find it amazing that we go through so many things you all have gone through.

We are still staying and it'll be like this until I want to move back, if I ever want to move back. I know my husband loves it here and he doesn't care to move back either. A lot of family [her siblings] say they'll help if we move back but we know they won't. So putting her on a plane and sending her over there to live with her siblings is out of the question. She still has about 7 siblings living but they all come with their own problems [health problems, financial problems, no home] so I'd feel guilty doing that to them. I can't ask other people to put their lives on hold to take care of her [I only feel responsible because I married her son, and he is the only child]. Yesterday was Christmas and NOT ONE single sibling called to wish her a Merry Christmas. If anything that has confirmed even more that our place is here in Alaska, away from everyone who says they'll help.

My husband and I have tried numerous times to explain to her that what she asks of us is unreasonable but she is the type of person to only hear what she wants to hear. If her one and only son were to call her selfish, she would probably commit suicide [yes, she is one of those mothers] but luckily my husband doesn't let it phase him. She even said to him "You don't love your parents" because he didn't want to "do what she wants to make her last days on earth comfortable." I have to leave the room because I get so upset when she says things like that. Not that we upped and left Utah FOR THEM, do everything she wants while living up here, and keep her alive *eye roll*

But thank you all, again. Thank you so much. I needed to be sure we weren't being unfair in all of this. Currently she is in the hospital due to getting her toe cut off and since we have a few stairs coming down to our ground apartment, they kept her in there until she is able to put some weight on it. It's been a crazy few days but I know had this happened in Utah and she had to rely on her siblings to take care of her she would already be dead--at 61. Thanks again all!

May the new year bring some of you some much needed breaks and some newfound energy to do this...I still want to rip my hair out sometimes but taking it one day at a time.

It sounds like you're going to have to make a choice and decide what's more important. One option you can consider is moving your aging family closer to you especially if someone in your immediate household has a promising job. Jobs are already hard to come by, especially very good ones so I would definitely stay where the opportunities are if I were in your situation. What if you get over to the in-laws and you can't even find a job and you end up losing your home, car and everything else? Then what? The question is simple, regret! I would strongly advised to stay right where you are and take advantage of any wonderful opportunities there are because someday you will retire and how much money you get after retirement will reflect on the decisions you make now. You must think about your own future right now because what you decide now will reflect on what happens to you later

I had my in-laws and my husband dump all the care of his parents on me. That is what will happen if you move back to Utah. No one else will lift w finger and you become the family slave. This nearly destroyed my marriage and I still harbor a lot of resentment for the way I was treated. I was even told that I was not really part of the family, the I did all the work. I no longer have any contact with my sister or brother- in-law. It took two years of fighting to get my 95 year old FIL into assisted living. He was living with us and my husband and his family wanted me to continue to be the family slave. The scars are deep and my marriage will never be the same. I could not believe my husband, who claimed to love me, could treat me worse than dirt and allow his family to do the same. He would not believe me that his father had dementia and I was literally cleaning up his father's feces and urine all over the house as his diapers leaked and he frefused to change them. He refused to bathe, change his clothes or wash his hands after using the bathroom, so I was grossed out when he touched anything. At one point he took out a rotten tooth from his mouth during dinner and set it on the tablecloth! My husband thought it was funny, I was very upset to have this gross, infected tooth out on our table. My FIL constantly complained and treated me like his maidservant. I was his chauffeur, laundress, scrub woman, errand runner, cook and all around slave. I came to hate him and my in-laws. I don't know how I am even going to live the rest of my life with my husband who so obviously did not care much about me. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, move for your in-laws. Send them back to other family members who have said they will help. Otherwise, I can guarantee that you will become the family slave like I was and filled its resentment for the rest of your life. Tell your in-laws that you are not able to move and you have to build your own future and make your own retirement secure. Since others have volunteered their help, hold them to it. Tell your in-laws that you will visit as often as you can, but moving is out of the question. Elder care is unbelievably stressful, especially as dementia and other health problems set in, and many caregivers die before their charges. One or two people can not do it themselves. Look into home aides, housecleaning, senior busses and meals on wheels for them in Utah so that the load will be lightened for whoever there is helping them. Just do not become the family slave. It was my mistake to allow this to happen in my life. I want to warn everyone of the dangers and I see the signs in your family that this is what they want to do to you. RUN from this situation. It does not have a good ending.

I moved my parents from NJ to FL when they could no longer take care of themselves. I have 5 siblings, but being single and living in a first floor condo with warm weather made it the only possible choice besides letting them rot up north with a succession of strangers for caregivers. When they came, I said I could do this for 5 yrs and then, if they were still alive, it would be time for a nursing home. It's been a year and a half now, and I'm not sure if I can do this for 5 years. Dad is now on hospice and Mom has dementia. When he passes, I suspect she will get worse. It is constant complaints and inconsideration for all I have to give up just to fight them to keep them safe. My 88 year old mother wants to go back "home" every day. Home is Staten Island, NY, 40 years ago. Pam was right; they live in the past & home is where they were younger and healthier. My answer to your mother-in-law would be a firm no. No discussion; no room for hope for change. She lived her life & made her choices along the way. You are doing the best you can for her, but you do not owe her your life. When my mother starts, I tell her that my job is here and I must stay here to keep a roof over all of our heads. If she can get another relative to take her, she can go, but her only other recourse is to get shipped to a nursing home because she can't take care of herself. That usually shuts her up, but since she has dementia, she won't remember the conversation and we will go through it again and again. You must be firm, even if she carries on. I am struggling myself in trying to figure out how to still have even a little enjoyment in life since they have come. No one can know just how bad it is unless they have been there. You must be a kind woman to have endured this from the time you were married. Do not let this woman manipulate you. They never think they are manipulating, but I have learned that the elderly can be enormously self-centered, and often feel that they are "owed" whatever pops into their heads. It's not entirely their fault as they become like toddlers in that respect. You would not let a toddler make your life choices for you, and neither should the elderly. God bless you for doing what you can for her. You cannot be responsible for her happiness because you cannot turn back the clock no matter how hard you try.

Could you tell them that when your husband finds a better job in Utah, you will move. Then start looking. And looking. And looking. Tell MIL you are still looking.

This is NOT a tough choice. No parent should ever put that on you. Give up your job and your future? You would consider that? THAT IS INSANE. Your in-laws are being selfish and childish to ask such a thing. Send them back and have a life for yourself.
Best of luck to you and your hubby.

You could do with some counseling so you can tell her you don't want to hear about it, if they want to go back to Utah, you will help them. But you and hubby aren't going and that is the end of it. Every time she starts, tell her it is not going to happen and leave the room if necessary, or even the house. Don't let her keep talking about it. She is not thinking clearly. By the way, has she ever had to support a family? If not, she has no clue what she is asking.

Pacific Islanders are not the only people to expect children to do everything for their elders even if the expectations are unrealistic. My inlaws are Spanish and they are the exact same way. My MIL has tried to pit my husband and me against one another. She usually has been successful at manipulating people. Her sons do not see it - or choose to ignore it - which is hardly a surprise considering they don't relate to her woman to woman. She's lucky that I love my husband unconditionally and will be here on this journey with my inlaws. But one thing I do not compromise on is that my husband and I are in the driver's seat. Healthy boundaries are essential.

I'm confused--you live currently in AK? And hubby has a good job..but mom wants to move back to Utah? Send her home to family and let them deal. Sounds like you cannot come to compromise at all with her.
I live in Utah. I will PM you info about apartments if you decide you do want to come back. But it sounds as of you don't. It IS hard to go against what is natural to our "cultures" or hearts. But you need to self preserve.
If there is family in Utah, perhaps it's time for them to step up. Don't they have the same feelings about mom? Make some calls. And good luck!!

BlackHole - spot on! Reflecting here today as well....