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My in laws have all their siblings and their families in another state and they are begging my husband [their son] and I to move back so they can be "happy" towards the end of their lives. Never mind that it was her idea to move to Alaska and when we discussed making that move that they both would be buried in Alaska. "Yeah, I know" was her response. Never mind that the people we leased our apartment to in Utah didn't pay the rent for 3 months after the lease was over [it renewed month to month after the 12 month lease] and now we owe over $10,000. There is no one in Utah who will give us an apartment. We pay our bills, I promise. We're not ones to neglect something we owe but we didn't live in that apartment for 6 months when the lease was up. I don't want to live with anymore of my in laws because I've been through that already and I'd go homeless before putting myself through that again. My husband has found a wonderful job here in Alaska where we can plan for our future here. But his parents insist we move back, live with whoever, and find another job that's just as well paying and good as his job now. I take care of them full time and I get paid by the state for it but Utah doesn't have that kind of program so I'd have to find a FT job myself and no one will be able to be with them. I get so annoyed when she brings up moving back. She doesn't know how hard it'll be. She won't be the one to pack up everything. She now refuses to do physical therapy because she wants to move back and she's tired. If she's not at dialysis or eating, she's in bed sleeping. I feel justified in not wanting to move back because it's foolish...but sometimes a part of me feels like we should just so she can quit complaining about everything. I've been taking care of them since we got married. I don't like being pitied but I do want to plan my future with my husband after they're gone. Moving back for them changes everything for our future. All of their family in Utah say they'll help us out but when we go back for visits none of their siblings, except 2, come by unless it's the day we're leaving. Ugh. Am I selfish in thinking about our future?

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maren, that is a tough one. I don't know what I would do except maybe bump my head on the wall. What does your husband think? If you like AK there will probably be no other place that will make you that happy. I would talk to him about what he wanted to do. If both of you want to remain in AK, then I would put them on a plane to UT. Maybe they can stay with the relatives there, instead of having to move everything back. The move may be more difficult and expensive than the things are worth. I feel bad that you're put in this position. I would say your life comes first and you can help the in-laws in a way that doesn't go against what you want for yourself. You sound like you've done so much already.
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He wants to stay wherever I want to stay. He's pretty good at self adapting so I know he'll flourish wherever we are at. He does agree though that he will never find a job as good as the one he has now in Utah so he leans towards staying here as well. We even told her that she can go stay in Utah for as long as she wants and then when she's ready she can come back but it's not good enough for her. She wants her husband [who she doesn't care for] and her son to be with her. She basically wants her cake and eat it too.
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Sounds like you're in a narcissistic tug. You and your husband have the final word. Maybe he can go down to visit them when he has a vacation from his work. I don't know how important the caregiving money is to your budget. I was thinking you may have to look around for some work, too. I've heard the cost of living in AK is very high. It seems like AK hooks certain people and they never want to leave. It is a beautiful state, in spite of the cold and strange daylight hours.
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Yeah I have a small home business that I do on the side that we've been earning extra income from but I haven't been able to work on it cause it seems like they're getting worse. But yes! Alaska is beautiful! The people are so kind. Thanks JessieBelle!
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Do not move because your inlaws want it. You will regret it. When I relocated for my inlaws I did it for my husband. I don't like it here, would never choose it for myself, and am making the best out of it. We thought we would get good jobs but that did not happen and we are barely making ends meet. It is very stressful. Most days I just go about my business but during the holidays, it's depressing to not be able to buy decorations, cards, and presents without first checking the price tag. If you are content and financially secure in Alaska, I hope you stay put.
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If they think "moving back will make us happy" they are delusional as it comes.
Never play into elderly delusions or promises of inheritance. Happiness is not a place. Where they really want to go is 30 years in the past.
Stay where you are. They want Utah, tell Utah to come and get them.
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Pam, what you wrote is so true. Older people often think if only they could do this, they would be happy. Or if only they could do that, then they would be happy. But no matter what they do, there is no happiness there. The problems they had follow them wherever they go. I've always felt that if a person is happy, they will be happy no matter where they are. You can't run somewhere to find it.

I understand that someone would want to see their family before they passed. To me this sounds more like a good situation for moving in with someone in UT if there is someone who welcomes a house guest. (Really, I'm having the hardest time imagining why they wanted to move to AK to start with. We don't know how long ago that was.)
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To me this is a no-brainer. I don't even see why anyone is agonizing over it. You like it where you are and want to stay there. Stay there! MIL wants to be somewhere else. Try to help her arrange that, if it is feasible.

Maybe, possibly, it would make some sense for you to sacrifice a part of your future IF it would gain something for MIL. If, for example, there was a medical center there that could treat her more effectively. But as others have pointed out, she is not likelier to be happy in another place than she is right now.

"We've decided that we are not going to move, Mom, but if you want to we'll help you all we can to arrange it."
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Thanks everyone for your input. I'm always positive that this is what is right but there are days where I can just tell she's miserable and cries to us and tells us she wants to go back. That frustrates me as we're trying to make it more comfortable for her but to no avail.

We are Pacific Islanders and in our culture we are supposed to do everything for our parents/elders. It's what is expected of us. Whatever they want, no matter how foolish it may sound, we are supposed to do it. I have aunts and uncles who have done things just to make their parents happy in the end and I see how much they struggle after and I don't want that. I know this sounds like a no-brainer [trust me, I've gone through this a gazillion times] but sometimes I feel guilty about keeping them here when I see them so unhappy.

I just needed some fresh set of eyes on the situation to make sure we're not being unfair in looking out for our future. Thanks all!
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Sending lots of empathy and hugs. This is not easy.

Am carer for two and many days I wonder if I have a future....and when it starts????

But here is a tip I learned with my mom...when she asks for "the impossible," I ask her if she would like me to look into it.

She say "yes" and I say, "OK."

End of discussion. Done and done.

I'm still looking into it, BTW.

I
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Maren88, I moved my mom from Nevada to Arizona on Jan 5, 2016 with no help all our family is in California. They all wanted me to move to back to California but only one person offered to help me care for her. But I don't have help there for sure. California is twice as expensive to live then Arizona so that would be foolish for me to pick up and move. I now have a support team here. I think getting everyone else involved in there care is essential. It takes a village not just you and your husband. I pray for the best outcome.
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Since your mom is so certain she wants to move back...and all the relatives think this is a good plan. Get those relatives on the phone. Tell them mom is coming to live with them, and hand the phone to mom before they can hang up.

If nothing else....it will shut up those relatives.

I think you need to explain to your mom that you need to make decision for your future. That destroying your future for hers is not something that any parent would ask of their own children. Basically...put this back on her. Make it clear it isn't going to happen unless some other relative makes it happen....and make it clear that her demand is way, way past selfish.
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Maren88, 1) when you're feeling guilty, please remember YOU are not keeping your inlaws in Alaska--THEY are refusing all the help you are offering to relocate them! 2) Propose it as a two-stage process, stage one being their relocation into the home of the relatives who are so eager to have them back, with you to follow at some nebulous future time when you have tied up loose ends. If this seems underhanded or dishonest, understand that the inlaws are not playing fair themselves, using complaints and guilt to wear you down. 3) Consider counseling for yourself to help you keep your perspective. 4) Take to heart all the supportive messages already posted here! They know what they are talking about.
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maren88, If you are happy in AK, you should stay there. I know parents when they age want to move "back where family is" but like the other commenters, tell them you'll help them get back there by making arrangements for them but you're staying in AK where you and hubby are happy. You have to live your life just like they lived theirs. Now, if Utah is where they need to be, tell them to go but it's no longer an option for the two of you. You'll come visit but not moving there. And it's not just a decision for your hubby (her son) to make either. I'm sure he'll try to adapt wherever he's at just to be close to his parents but once he married, he needs to put your needs first and his mother knows that. She's just trying to manipulate him into doing what she wants but not giving a care in the world whether the son wants it or not. Don't let her do that. Just tell them you'll help with any arrangements with their move and let it go at that. You'll see them at the next family gathering. Sometimes, mothers try to pit their sons against the wife to see if he will choose mom's wishes over his wife but don't let them win this one. Stay put until YOU and HIM are ready to make the move for your own reasons. Good luck.
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All great comments and advice ... I can only add that even when family is all in the same town, the elderly still aren't totally happy! They slowly lose control as they face their own mortality. Some are confident in where they are headed after they die, while others may not be, and this adds to the stress of aging. Depending on their mental state (aka dementia) eventually they won't know where they are, want to "go home", and most likely won't recognize you at some point, even though you are their FT caregiver! My hubby and I have been at this for 12+ years, caring for his folks (Dad died in 2010 and Mom is nearing the end), so take care of YOU and your hubby, please!!!! An empty vessel can not serve!
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Maren88: Don't know how this works in your family.....but for me, the day after Chritmas is the perfect opportunity to reflect on how unrealistic and self-centered most of my extended family is -- including in-laws. Some of them mean well, some don't. And they all choose their ready-made perceptions over the truth. If the net result is making work for other people and invalidating their feeelings, so be it. They don't listen with the intent of understanding. If any of this sounds familiar, you know what to do. (Or I guess I should say, what not to do!) Hang in there and be strong.
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All of their family in Utah say they'll help...

Well, then, that's wonderful! Off to Utah they go, your MIL and FIL, where their loving family will gladly care for them; and your husband keeps his fab job in Alaska. What's the problem?
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BlackHole - spot on! Reflecting here today as well....
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I'm confused--you live currently in AK? And hubby has a good job..but mom wants to move back to Utah? Send her home to family and let them deal. Sounds like you cannot come to compromise at all with her.
I live in Utah. I will PM you info about apartments if you decide you do want to come back. But it sounds as of you don't. It IS hard to go against what is natural to our "cultures" or hearts. But you need to self preserve.
If there is family in Utah, perhaps it's time for them to step up. Don't they have the same feelings about mom? Make some calls. And good luck!!
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Pacific Islanders are not the only people to expect children to do everything for their elders even if the expectations are unrealistic. My inlaws are Spanish and they are the exact same way. My MIL has tried to pit my husband and me against one another. She usually has been successful at manipulating people. Her sons do not see it - or choose to ignore it - which is hardly a surprise considering they don't relate to her woman to woman. She's lucky that I love my husband unconditionally and will be here on this journey with my inlaws. But one thing I do not compromise on is that my husband and I are in the driver's seat. Healthy boundaries are essential.
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You could do with some counseling so you can tell her you don't want to hear about it, if they want to go back to Utah, you will help them. But you and hubby aren't going and that is the end of it. Every time she starts, tell her it is not going to happen and leave the room if necessary, or even the house. Don't let her keep talking about it. She is not thinking clearly. By the way, has she ever had to support a family? If not, she has no clue what she is asking.
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This is NOT a tough choice. No parent should ever put that on you. Give up your job and your future? You would consider that? THAT IS INSANE. Your in-laws are being selfish and childish to ask such a thing. Send them back and have a life for yourself.
Best of luck to you and your hubby.
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Could you tell them that when your husband finds a better job in Utah, you will move. Then start looking. And looking. And looking. Tell MIL you are still looking.
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I moved my parents from NJ to FL when they could no longer take care of themselves. I have 5 siblings, but being single and living in a first floor condo with warm weather made it the only possible choice besides letting them rot up north with a succession of strangers for caregivers. When they came, I said I could do this for 5 yrs and then, if they were still alive, it would be time for a nursing home. It's been a year and a half now, and I'm not sure if I can do this for 5 years. Dad is now on hospice and Mom has dementia. When he passes, I suspect she will get worse. It is constant complaints and inconsideration for all I have to give up just to fight them to keep them safe. My 88 year old mother wants to go back "home" every day. Home is Staten Island, NY, 40 years ago. Pam was right; they live in the past & home is where they were younger and healthier. My answer to your mother-in-law would be a firm no. No discussion; no room for hope for change. She lived her life & made her choices along the way. You are doing the best you can for her, but you do not owe her your life. When my mother starts, I tell her that my job is here and I must stay here to keep a roof over all of our heads. If she can get another relative to take her, she can go, but her only other recourse is to get shipped to a nursing home because she can't take care of herself. That usually shuts her up, but since she has dementia, she won't remember the conversation and we will go through it again and again. You must be firm, even if she carries on. I am struggling myself in trying to figure out how to still have even a little enjoyment in life since they have come. No one can know just how bad it is unless they have been there. You must be a kind woman to have endured this from the time you were married. Do not let this woman manipulate you. They never think they are manipulating, but I have learned that the elderly can be enormously self-centered, and often feel that they are "owed" whatever pops into their heads. It's not entirely their fault as they become like toddlers in that respect. You would not let a toddler make your life choices for you, and neither should the elderly. God bless you for doing what you can for her. You cannot be responsible for her happiness because you cannot turn back the clock no matter how hard you try.
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I had my in-laws and my husband dump all the care of his parents on me. That is what will happen if you move back to Utah. No one else will lift w finger and you become the family slave. This nearly destroyed my marriage and I still harbor a lot of resentment for the way I was treated. I was even told that I was not really part of the family, the I did all the work. I no longer have any contact with my sister or brother- in-law. It took two years of fighting to get my 95 year old FIL into assisted living. He was living with us and my husband and his family wanted me to continue to be the family slave. The scars are deep and my marriage will never be the same. I could not believe my husband, who claimed to love me, could treat me worse than dirt and allow his family to do the same. He would not believe me that his father had dementia and I was literally cleaning up his father's feces and urine all over the house as his diapers leaked and he frefused to change them. He refused to bathe, change his clothes or wash his hands after using the bathroom, so I was grossed out when he touched anything. At one point he took out a rotten tooth from his mouth during dinner and set it on the tablecloth! My husband thought it was funny, I was very upset to have this gross, infected tooth out on our table. My FIL constantly complained and treated me like his maidservant. I was his chauffeur, laundress, scrub woman, errand runner, cook and all around slave. I came to hate him and my in-laws. I don't know how I am even going to live the rest of my life with my husband who so obviously did not care much about me. DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, move for your in-laws. Send them back to other family members who have said they will help. Otherwise, I can guarantee that you will become the family slave like I was and filled its resentment for the rest of your life. Tell your in-laws that you are not able to move and you have to build your own future and make your own retirement secure. Since others have volunteered their help, hold them to it. Tell your in-laws that you will visit as often as you can, but moving is out of the question. Elder care is unbelievably stressful, especially as dementia and other health problems set in, and many caregivers die before their charges. One or two people can not do it themselves. Look into home aides, housecleaning, senior busses and meals on wheels for them in Utah so that the load will be lightened for whoever there is helping them. Just do not become the family slave. It was my mistake to allow this to happen in my life. I want to warn everyone of the dangers and I see the signs in your family that this is what they want to do to you. RUN from this situation. It does not have a good ending.
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It sounds like you're going to have to make a choice and decide what's more important. One option you can consider is moving your aging family closer to you especially if someone in your immediate household has a promising job. Jobs are already hard to come by, especially very good ones so I would definitely stay where the opportunities are if I were in your situation. What if you get over to the in-laws and you can't even find a job and you end up losing your home, car and everything else? Then what? The question is simple, regret! I would strongly advised to stay right where you are and take advantage of any wonderful opportunities there are because someday you will retire and how much money you get after retirement will reflect on the decisions you make now. You must think about your own future right now because what you decide now will reflect on what happens to you later
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Thank you all for your input. I recently came across this website a couple of weeks ago and read posts all day submitted by members and couldn't believe the same things we go through, some of you go through as well..or worse. This website has been a huge help to my husband and I in the short time we joined. I still find it amazing that we go through so many things you all have gone through.

We are still staying and it'll be like this until I want to move back, if I ever want to move back. I know my husband loves it here and he doesn't care to move back either. A lot of family [her siblings] say they'll help if we move back but we know they won't. So putting her on a plane and sending her over there to live with her siblings is out of the question. She still has about 7 siblings living but they all come with their own problems [health problems, financial problems, no home] so I'd feel guilty doing that to them. I can't ask other people to put their lives on hold to take care of her [I only feel responsible because I married her son, and he is the only child]. Yesterday was Christmas and NOT ONE single sibling called to wish her a Merry Christmas. If anything that has confirmed even more that our place is here in Alaska, away from everyone who says they'll help.

My husband and I have tried numerous times to explain to her that what she asks of us is unreasonable but she is the type of person to only hear what she wants to hear. If her one and only son were to call her selfish, she would probably commit suicide [yes, she is one of those mothers] but luckily my husband doesn't let it phase him. She even said to him "You don't love your parents" because he didn't want to "do what she wants to make her last days on earth comfortable." I have to leave the room because I get so upset when she says things like that. Not that we upped and left Utah FOR THEM, do everything she wants while living up here, and keep her alive *eye roll*

But thank you all, again. Thank you so much. I needed to be sure we weren't being unfair in all of this. Currently she is in the hospital due to getting her toe cut off and since we have a few stairs coming down to our ground apartment, they kept her in there until she is able to put some weight on it. It's been a crazy few days but I know had this happened in Utah and she had to rely on her siblings to take care of her she would already be dead--at 61. Thanks again all!

May the new year bring some of you some much needed breaks and some newfound energy to do this...I still want to rip my hair out sometimes but taking it one day at a time.
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Again, think of yourself and your own future. If the person is suicidal as you're describing, she probably belongs in a mental hospital. Don't let her use her mental illness to manipulate you. I faced something similar with an elderly friend who long since died in January 2016, and he would often and unexpectedly start acting sick just to manipulate others. When we found out, I don't know what everyone else did but I started wising up to this and I started just not catering to his demands. He was eventually put into a nursing home where he very shortly after died
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maren, I have a deep down feeling that you are doing the right thing. My mother does the same thing to me as your MIL does to your husband. Trying to lay guilt on a son or daughter is a very bad thing to do. I find it helps to thing of them as the children now who need our wise care. We aren't free to do things on a whim because we have responsibilities of our own. Not hearing from the siblings speaks loudly to me that they don't want to be responsible. They might have been afraid if they called that your MIL would ask them specifically if she could stay with them and they wanted to avoid that.
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U have me confused. In-laws r in Alaska and u Utah? You have lived with them before and it didn't work and ur now financially strapped because u subleased to be with them? If ur husband doesn't care why RU upset. He has told u he likes his job and the money is good. Looks like ur the one expected to give up for them. I would stay where I am. Since family all seems to be n Utah then they should make the move back to be near family. Get them into a nice senior community. If they don't have the money, they may be able to get help thru Medicaid. See what I available to them in the area they move back to. Explain to them you have jobs and lives and r willing to help "as much as possible". But they must do as much as they can on their own. These people r not ur responsibility but ur husband's. If he was all for moving near them (not with them), then as his wife I would go with him but I would make it clear that ur not giving up your total life for them. They r his parents. My MIL wanted us to move from NJ to Fla, where she chose to retire to. Miles from her boys, one living in GA the other Miss. I told her I couldn't leave my Mom. She expected my Mom to move with us. Told her at 80 I was not moving my Mom from her life here where she was involved.
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