My in laws have all their siblings and their families in another state and they are begging my husband [their son] and I to move back so they can be "happy" towards the end of their lives. Never mind that it was her idea to move to Alaska and when we discussed making that move that they both would be buried in Alaska. "Yeah, I know" was her response. Never mind that the people we leased our apartment to in Utah didn't pay the rent for 3 months after the lease was over [it renewed month to month after the 12 month lease] and now we owe over $10,000. There is no one in Utah who will give us an apartment. We pay our bills, I promise. We're not ones to neglect something we owe but we didn't live in that apartment for 6 months when the lease was up. I don't want to live with anymore of my in laws because I've been through that already and I'd go homeless before putting myself through that again. My husband has found a wonderful job here in Alaska where we can plan for our future here. But his parents insist we move back, live with whoever, and find another job that's just as well paying and good as his job now. I take care of them full time and I get paid by the state for it but Utah doesn't have that kind of program so I'd have to find a FT job myself and no one will be able to be with them. I get so annoyed when she brings up moving back. She doesn't know how hard it'll be. She won't be the one to pack up everything. She now refuses to do physical therapy because she wants to move back and she's tired. If she's not at dialysis or eating, she's in bed sleeping. I feel justified in not wanting to move back because it's foolish...but sometimes a part of me feels like we should just so she can quit complaining about everything. I've been taking care of them since we got married. I don't like being pitied but I do want to plan my future with my husband after they're gone. Moving back for them changes everything for our future. All of their family in Utah say they'll help us out but when we go back for visits none of their siblings, except 2, come by unless it's the day we're leaving. Ugh. Am I selfish in thinking about our future?
Well, then, that's wonderful! Off to Utah they go, your MIL and FIL, where their loving family will gladly care for them; and your husband keeps his fab job in Alaska. What's the problem?
If nothing else....it will shut up those relatives.
I think you need to explain to your mom that you need to make decision for your future. That destroying your future for hers is not something that any parent would ask of their own children. Basically...put this back on her. Make it clear it isn't going to happen unless some other relative makes it happen....and make it clear that her demand is way, way past selfish.
Am carer for two and many days I wonder if I have a future....and when it starts????
But here is a tip I learned with my mom...when she asks for "the impossible," I ask her if she would like me to look into it.
She say "yes" and I say, "OK."
End of discussion. Done and done.
I'm still looking into it, BTW.
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We are Pacific Islanders and in our culture we are supposed to do everything for our parents/elders. It's what is expected of us. Whatever they want, no matter how foolish it may sound, we are supposed to do it. I have aunts and uncles who have done things just to make their parents happy in the end and I see how much they struggle after and I don't want that. I know this sounds like a no-brainer [trust me, I've gone through this a gazillion times] but sometimes I feel guilty about keeping them here when I see them so unhappy.
I just needed some fresh set of eyes on the situation to make sure we're not being unfair in looking out for our future. Thanks all!
Maybe, possibly, it would make some sense for you to sacrifice a part of your future IF it would gain something for MIL. If, for example, there was a medical center there that could treat her more effectively. But as others have pointed out, she is not likelier to be happy in another place than she is right now.
"We've decided that we are not going to move, Mom, but if you want to we'll help you all we can to arrange it."
I understand that someone would want to see their family before they passed. To me this sounds more like a good situation for moving in with someone in UT if there is someone who welcomes a house guest. (Really, I'm having the hardest time imagining why they wanted to move to AK to start with. We don't know how long ago that was.)
Never play into elderly delusions or promises of inheritance. Happiness is not a place. Where they really want to go is 30 years in the past.
Stay where you are. They want Utah, tell Utah to come and get them.