Every so often, my mother will let me know that she wants to go home which is the case today. She says she's not doing anything but eating three meals and staying in bed which is true, but she's chosen not to work with PT. Her sister from out of town called her today and told her that she could go home if she would start walking. I think my mom is also worried about her husband who is looking weak lately and has been falling at home. The last time he and his helper had mom at home she was able to use a walker and feed herself, but was forgetful about medicine. After 8 days, they had all but let her starve, dehydrate and loose all the moving ability she had gained after her stroke in February. I got her into an assisted liviing place, but in April she fell and broke her hip after which she gave up and went to the nursing home. It would be nice if she was healthy enough to go home, but she's not and no one at home is healthy enough for her to go home.
You are making sure she gets the care she needs, and she is making the choice not to do her PT. It sounds as though her husband may be joining her rather than her joining him!
There is a track record on her health to back you up. Of course she says she wants to go home. She is worried about her husband and also she is bored. She likely refuses to take part in any activities offered, to - am I right? That is common.
Hang tough. It's get old to have to explain yourself. Try and keep it short and sweet and move on to different topics.
Take care,
Carol
Along with not doing PT, she does not participate in the activities for one thing she will not let them get her out of the bed and put her in a chair every day for a few minutes.
The nursing home doctor told me back in January that she knew when my mother first got there at the end of April that she had given up. Her mother did the same thing after she broke her hip.
My thoughts are with you. Its hard when a person can't and won't help themselves and you are there to watch AND to field the blame and offer explanation to everyone else.
Hugs.
nina
I can understand how those from our parent's generation may not be adept or interested in using the internet, computers, and all the new technology. I believe that's where we come in. I have read several of AlzCaregiver's blog posts, complete with pictures, of her mother enjoying her daughter's efforts. She is such an inspiration to me, and I have been so encouraged by all she's done. I especially like the one she did about the ballet, and her mom clearly like it as well, as you can see in the pictures. She shares links with it on this site in some of her posts.
I would like to try some of those things with my dad. In fact, she mailed me a wonderful CD of music to help my dad with his Alzheimer's. I have a laptop that I can take along with me on visits to his nursing home.
My dad used to be extremely computer literate. In fact, he helped me out quite a bit while I attended college. He was doing newsletters for various organizations, writing poetry, and operated his business from it. What an amazing world is the internet and computing! I love it, but am just learning, still. I hope to do much more with it in the future. The first time I took my new laptop to dad, I took him picture on it from my built-in webcam. It was amazing! However, he didn't agree, and closed the lid. I don't know if his reaction was "just him," (as in upsetting to him), or due to his advancing disease. Unfortunately, closing the lid was the only way he could communicate that to me. Since then, I haven't pushed it.
My mom had surgery, and I blogged the entire process, every step of the way. People could send her encouraging messages throughout the day. She didn't like it at all, even though it was loved ones who wanted to know how she was doing, and had her best interests at heart. I especially loved showing her a video of sorrow done in sand art. It was meant to encourage her, but she thought it was weird. She was undergoing a lumpectomy for breast Cancer that day. Seems she was not interested in the positives of the internet, and still cannot do anything with it. Mom is still typing away...
Good luck.
So far "mad" has not worked. The helper who now tends to my step father tried to make her mad to motivate her saying 'well are you just going to lie there and give up just like your mother did?"
My mother lived so much of the year for many years by herself at the beach until she starting having seziures and had to come back home that I'm not sure how connected they ever have been until now in their old age. There's not really much she can actually do since he is in a wheel chair, but companionship in an otherwise empty house would count for something although the depakote keeps her so knocked out.
The PT people have commented to me that my mother is rather pampered and likes to almost be begged to putting forth some effort. She is not a very good patient in that regaurd.
I think at this point, I would like the doctor to play the heavy while I encourage her to get out of that bed so that she's not so bored and can attend things that the nursing home activity director puts on every day.
Today, during my visit, she did not say one word about going home. She stated her concern for my step-dad and his helper's observatino that he is failing quickly which I've noticed some too, but I don't see him that much. Mom told me that the nursing home social worker and her talked about my step-dad moving to the nursing home and getting a room with her.
Well, the plan at the moment is the helper is going to take my step-dad to the doctor to see what he thinks about him going to the nursing home where my mother is. I don't know if his veteran's benefits will help in this case or not, but this is a matter which is realy out of my hands and belongs to my step-brother who lives very near and his siblings to deal with.
Given how little money my step-dad has plus his small income per month, the only way he could afford a nursing home where my mother is would involve selling the house and possibly the one at the beach for none of his children have a lot of money to come up with basically $2,500 more a month which is what my step-dad would need on top of his income to live where my mother is. I hope it does not come down to that point because it could become very messy. I'm sure it would upset my mother ot hear that her house is being sold, but would be glad to have her husband with her. As her POA, I would be involved in the possible future sale of one or both houses because her name is on the deed for each. However, I am in the position financially to purchase one or both houses which I would then have them fixed up and turned over to a rental agency to handle. This would provide my step-dad with some needed money and my mother would in a sense not really loose her house. Please understand that this is all speculation of my over active mind tonight and I'm not really certain any of this will take place or take place real soon.
I called the social worker at the nursing home and explained my mom's request plus her level of care and my step-dad's level of need. Then, I talked with my mother by phone today and explained what the social worker had said that in light of her own health needs, her husbands and that her long term health care coverage will probably not cover 24 hour care at home, she is in the best place to be for right now. Mom wants me to come up there and visit with the social worker about this. I asked her if she would like to have both the social worker and myself meet with her in her room sometime after the social worker goes on a short break from tomorrow through next Monday? She agreed to that and so did the social worker. We will plan that meeting next Monday.
She still wants to go home and thinks that my step-dad and his untrained, uncertified helper can take care of her although she is only there 4 hours a day. I reminded her that the last time that was attempted that she was self mobile which she is not now and that her health failed terribly with them which preceded her borken hip and where she is now. Then she told me about her husband and his female helper were planning to take her on a trip to the beach on Thursday. I just gently and firmly replied "I know that you miss the beach and would love to see it, but I don't see it as a realistic possibility. She thought a bit and said maybe I was right. The one thing she did not want though was to be reminded of her birthday at the end of the month. Later, I called the nursing home staff and reminded them of a note that I put on file months ago about no one checking her out but me and or emergency medical people.
I think one of my mom's biggest fears was about money. I reminded her that the long term health policy she bought in 1996 was basically paying for everything and that as she set it up, they are not longer charging her monthly premiums and that she's already received in benefits more than she ever paid in as premiums. That took a load off of her mind. She tends to forget this but is greatly comforted when reminded of it.
Since then in April of 2009, she has been just like her mother after her hip surgery and refused to work with PT to regain the ability to walk. Her neurologist tested her muscle reactions a while back and found her lower back muscles not working to help her to stand up from her wheel chair.
She hates being moved from the bed to the chair each day but agrees intellectually that she needs too. Her state of dependency would never let her into an assisted living place now. Her neurologist tried to get her to go to one years ago but she refused. BTW, she is at Guardian Care in Rocky Mount, NC.
For several year prior, my mother has been having seizures and after some time started to forget to take her medicine even with the support of the people hired to take care of her and my step-dad as well as myself calling by phone twice a day at the same time for about a whole year. In March of 2009, she had a stroke and following it went to rehab. She regained her ability to walk with a walker and my step-dad and his helper wanted to care for her at home, but they almost let her die and thus she lost everything gained in 20 days. They still think they can take care of my mom (almost 79) at home even in her increased dependent state with that helper, who is neither a nurse nor a certified home helper as well as only there 4 hours a day with my step-dad only able to function in a wheel chair at 86. My mom just like with the previous non professional hired helping person has decided this person is family and yes they are a nurse. The previous 'helper' helped himself to forging over $12,000 worth of checks and my step-dad is so incompetent that he gave the man some money to help defend himself against them taking him to court which my step-brother worked on.
As unnatural as it is, the nursing home is the only place she can be given her husband's poor health along with my being out of town plus both my wife and I are on disability with our hands also full of one teenager in college and another one about ready to go to college plus a house that does not have any room for any more people which we bought five years ago.
When my grandmother gave up after her broken him, her son and my mom hired around the clock help so that she lived her last years in her home. She did not have long term health care insurance like my mother does, but she had enough money and my uncle knew enough trustworthy people in that small town that this was all possible for her. Unfortunately, this is not possible for my mother.
All this has me so wired up tonight plus other things that even my muscle relaxer and pain meds for some injured upper back muscle injuries have not knocked me out. Praise God that I can see my therapist tomorrow.
You are a good son, father and husband.
Praying for your peace.