Going to try to make this as short as possible. My Husband(28 & adopted) dad died last year. We moved in with his mom that night. She has never lifted a finger to take care of herself as her husband spoiled her. Ex. she didnt learn to use a cell phone bc he took all phone calls...doesnt know how to pump gas or use a debit card... Ever since we moved in my husband takes care of everything for her (bills grocery medicine etc). She demands my husband to drop anything he is doing for her at the drop of a hat. When he cant, she calls him an ungrateful a****le who only wants her money.. but the next day will say she never said that and he's a liar. its an impossible cycle to break. she doesnt respect our boundaries as a freshly married couple with no kids. she sees him as a 15 year old and told her sister that "two kids moved in her house and ruined her life". But she will say she never said that. One time i expressed concern of her having dementia to somebody in town and it got back to her and she told me i was disrespectful and rude. she made me come home 4 hours from my sisters house one weekend to "clean my room" and told me as long as im under her roof i will keep "HER" house to her standards and she is doing us a favor by letting us live there. When her doctor told her she cant even give herself her own medicine 4 times a day (the last time she did she got confused and overdosed). On top of all of this, my husbands sister (54) (lives 2 1/2 hours away) hardly ever comes over to help and at one point accused my husband of stealing inheritance from their mom (he works at the bank her money is at) and told their mom and she believed the sister. That fight was MONSTROUS and still going on after 8 months. The house my husband and I used to live in is a family house and we left our cat out there since his mom doesnt like cats. We go to the house multiple days a week for privacy and to take care of the cat. My husbands sister thought it would only be fair that her son get to move in that house since we were no longer in it and their mom agreed. Suddenly I had nowhere to go for alone time and they kicked our indoor cat out on the porch in 100+ weather. My husband and I occupy an upstairs bedroom in his mothers house and she doesnt allow us to decorate and we were only allowed to bring over what would fit in that bedroom and what we couldnt fit had to go in a storage unit we had to buy since his nephew moved into our previous house. My MIL threw away candles i got as gifts and glade plug-ins we put around the house (due to having to move in our 3 dogs) because she was "uncomfortable" with them (the candles not the dogs)(dogs another story). My MIL went into the hospital for about 2 months due to back pain/consistent falling and i dont really know what else (my husband and i went on a week vacation and when we came back his sister who was supposed to take care of her had put her in the ER). When she returned home we had hired 3 nurses to rotate 24 hour care (as she kept calling my husband home from work for things like not being able to work the tv and knocking on our bedroom door at 3 in the morning trying to call people). She fired all 3 nurses in 3 days. She cancelled all her PT appts. and then fusses that shes not getting better. its been a year and i dont see this situation getting any better. I had finally convinced my husband to start trying for a baby after 4 years marriage and since moving in with his mom he's changed his mind. And idk if i'd be able to share him with his mom if i needed his help with him being a dad. When i bring up moving out to my husband he feels i am asking him to choose between her and me and im afraid if i make him move out he will resent me forever. I feel stuck in an unhappy life but i dont want to leave my husband bc id spend the rest of my life wishing it had worked out bc my problems are not with him. This is only the TIP of the iceburg of the last year. Any suggestions to get my life back on track?
Either both you and your husband move out , or you move out by yourself .
His mother is an uncooperative drain in this marriage . She wants to rule the roost because it’s HER house . This will not get any better . Even if she was living in a house that you bought , your mother in law would act the same because she thinks of you and her son as children and will order you around .
She needs to be in a facility where she can’t boss family around . At home care with nurses didn’t work either .
If you both move out and no one has POA, (in order to place her in a facility) , then call APS , or her County Area Agency of Aging to help get her placed . Her house can be sold to pay for assisted living .
This is no life for a young married couple .
You and your husband should move back to your home.
this is really more of a marriage problem than it is a caregiver problem.
You tell your husband what you can manage.
If you can't stand being there you can move back to your home. He can stay with mom or come with you.
And PLEASE do not begin a family at this time. Last thing you need is to be a single mom.
Your husband has decided he prefers his mother to you.
He is behaving like a child.
Children make very poor husband material.
I honestly can only suggest that you move out, and move on with your life.
In the name of all that's holy, please DO NOT BRING A CHILD INTO THIS MESS.
The truly lucky and happy thing is that you have a home just waiting for you, already outfitted with a lovely kitty.
Best of luck.
1) Your Husband (DH) DOES need to make a choice between you and his M. He should have made that choice when he got married. If he is religious, it’s in his Bible that he did. Sooner or later this is what it will come to, and in fact the sooner the better. Perhaps the best way to say this is that he needs to choose between 'his life with you' and 'his life with M'. If he chooses M, you can divorce, heal the scars, and find a REAL husband and potential father to children. Your problems ARE with him and his current choices.
2) You and DH need a home of your own. While you are living in MIL’s house, she is entitled to call most of the shots. It can work with a different elder, but it’s not working now with this one and it isn’t going to work any time soon. MIL is 74, she could live another 25 years. You MUST get out.
3) MIL trained first her own DH and then your DH to wait on her every wish (not just needs). Her expectations are enormous. She trashes you when you don’t meet them – as in “two kids moved in her house and ruined her life”. You are NOT going to change this, and neither is your DH. Forget about trying. The real question is whether your DH is going to quit doing what she wants, not about whether MIL can be changed.
4) MIL quite possibly adopted your DH in order to have a long term servant to follow on from FIL. In fact she put herself in the position of any other parent – you owe your children (it’s the law and your moral responsibility), but they don’t owe you the same thing in return. You in turn owe your own children. Your DH perhaps needs counselling about his ‘Mommy first’ reactions – but the chances of overcoming 25 years of MIL’s training are slim.
5) Do some work yourself about other housing and care options for both MIL, for yourself and your DH, and for yourself alone. Once you are clear about the possibilities, it’s time for a conversation with DH first and then MIL. the conversation with DH could lead on from him reading these answers - it can be easier to let other posters say it first.
6) Work on yourself. You need to accept that you would love DH more if he was different, and in fact if he doesn’t change then almost certainly you will eventually stop loving him at all. You cannot get out of this bind without a major blow-up and major changes in your life. Wishing and hoping and suggesting won’t do it. Don't wait another 10 years - the sooner you face it, the better.
Good luck! Love, Margaret
When all is said and done I will ALWAYS tell people not to follow this path.
My husband has been called names, treated like dirt in front of others, and still stuck by me but everyone is not built like that. Please have a conversation with your husband NOW before being caregivers takes over your lives completely. My grandpa is almost 92 with worsening dementia and tbh I just feel done with it. The mental and physical toll this has taken on me is more than its worth to make anyone happy.
And do you know if your husband was asked the question....your mom or me, what his response would be? I'm guessing he would take his mom, which is so wrong on so many levels.
You need and want a marriage with a real man and not a mama's boy right? So you may have some very difficult decisions to make very soon.
And whatever you decide PLEASE DO NOT bring a child into this very dysfunctional situation. They deserve so much better as do you.
I think that you need to give your husband the ultimatum of not only your mother or you, but also that you will be leaving at the end of December(if not before)with or without him, and you will then find out just how much your husband really loves you. Better to find this out now while you're still young and haven't invested too many years in this relationship.
And his mom will then have to finally grow up and learn how to deal with all these things herself including any care she may require or any repairs her house may need.
And IF(and that's a big if)your husband decides to move out with you, and try and save your marriage then I would set ground rules of when his mom can call him and even how often he can answer, because as long as he keeps enabling his mom nothing will ever change. And you can change your number if needed as well.
This is a very unhealthy situation/marriage you're in and I hope that after you wrote out your post and reread it you can see that for yourself too.
What do you plan to do about that?