My 95yo mother made a comment a couple of days ago after I asked her how she was feeling. Her answer was "Are you waiting for me to not feel good?" I was shocked to hear that because I've been the person who has helped her, taken her to numerous doctors appointments and called her daily. I've been the only person she relies on. What the heck?
I'm sure, at 95, she mostly doesn't feel great. DO you ask her this a lot, or is this something new?
For sure, it's not the worst thing an aging parent has said to their CG kid.
I wouldn't spend one minute even thinking about this.
Consider yourself supremely blessed if this is the first time mother has shocked you with a semi-snotty remark! My mother thrived on them 🙄
Read my above post.
I know that I got tired as a caregiver too. I am quite sure that early on, I took certain comments that my mother said out of context.
Later on, I understood that my mother was suffering and that I shouldn’t take her comments personally.
You’re absolutely correct by saying that it’s natural for all of us as we age to become a little snippy at times.
The ccrc where dh works actually discourages workers from asking members how they are because it can be misheard as an appeal to force the resident into accepting and paying for more care.
I was my mother’s primary caregiver. She lived to be 95 years old.
My mom had Parkinson’s disease which caused mobility issues.
She hated that she was so slow and she was uncomfortable with others having to wait on her.
I tried to make her feel more comfortable by telling her, “Mom, take your time.” when she was trying to get into the car.
She struggled getting in and out of cars.
One day, she looked at me and said, “I have to take my time. I can’t go any faster.”
I realized that my remark was probably annoying her. I would get frustrated too, if I had mobility issues.
I made a conscious effort not to say anything to her about ‘taking her time’ while she struggled to get in and out of the car.
She experienced less anxiety with me being silent.
I wasn’t offended at what my mother said. I know that she didn’t mean it personally.
Mom was also having issues with incontinence. If I reminded her to use the bathroom before we left home, it made her feel like a child.
She told me that I didn’t have to remind her because she wasn’t a child. I understood why she felt that way and I respected how she felt. I wanted her to keep as much dignity as possible.
That’s my experience. Yours may be different. Some parents have always been cruel and condescending. If this is the case, then it’s an entirely different story.
For instance, if I can, as your friend, to visit you, Julie. Say for a cup of coffee in the morning. And I looked at you and said "Julie, how are you feeling?" would you not find that an odd question? Might you kind of wonder ----"geez, am I not looking great?"
I had a surgery recently. In in the morning, out in the afternoon. All who knew me knew I was having it. Knew what I had and why I had this surgery. And for a few days after, I found it caring and normal to hear "so, how are you." But I have to tell you after a month or so, when I was clearly back to my normal life, I found it odd when someone ask this seemingly caring question "So, how ARE you". I just wanted to say "Great! And if I ever DON'T feel great, you will be the very FIRST one I tell".
I can't tell you why that question is grating to some of us? Almost "diminishing", but it IS.
So, I guess your Mom and I are sisters of other mothers.
I know you were well intentioned. Next time you go just say "Mom you look GREAT. That sweater is a great color on you", and on you go. We old gals just get too danged sensitive for our own good; what can I tell you.
I have a neighbor that ask nice questions but her tone makes me think, she is hoping for a bad response, like she doesn't want a good response because inside she is hoping things are not good. Because she just doesn't want anyone to be happy.
Some people my not even know that they're tone is degrading, and not mean it that way
I asked my DH how he felt a while back. "Why!??" he says "Do I not look my perfectly perfect self?. Do I look BAD or something?? 😆
Umm yeah.. you look kind of shrivelled & a slighly funny colour. Like when you got Covid.
I'd just laugh that off with your Mother. My Grandmother would have stopped, stared & said Well. OLD. Tired. But still here!!!
It’s much the same with me. My scoliosis is fairly painful most days, I am not infrequently tanked up to the eyeballs with codeine, lying on the floor on top of a hot water bottle. To make it worse, this ‘vestibular disorder’ is really off (it means that the world wobbles and I am prone to falls). I’ve just moved to a new place where I have very few friends. I need to let Tony know that it’s being quite difficult for me too, but that I am also coping. (I don't whinge like this to him, because he already knows the details).
We telephone each other twice a day, and this difficult balance is with both of us every time. We do the best we can, to be honest but not worrying. This may be a fairly extreme situation, but the elements of it are with all of us some times. If you can do better with your Mother, good luck to you! And to M! Write a book about how to do it!
Thinking of you and DH. I hope the sale goes smoothly and he gets home soon.
How are you or how are you feeling is a polite greeting in my world, so if that’s not her usual type reply, I might be annoyed as well or think she isn’t feeling well. If she does it again ask her if she meant to be rude.
My MIL used to reply,
”Don’t get old, dolly.”
She called everyone dolly. That alone made her eldest son angry.
Another would say, “fair to middling.” And I remember “with my hands.”
My DH aunt would say “If I felt any better, you and I both would be in jail.” What that meant, I have no idea.
One old guy would give a weather report. “With my arthritis I think it’s going to rain.”
If possible, just come back with something to lighten the mood and move on.
I notice my sister always says, “Good. Real good.“
I asked an old uncle one time if he had any major maladies and he answered with my all time favorite “Not likely to say”.
I just laughed but he hadn’t worn out my good will as your mom may have done at this point for you.
I hope it goes better next time.
You never know what may annoy a 95 year old .
Are you waiting for me to not feel good?
I'm not waiting for anything. (argh....)
So typical of the unappreciative Elder. You need some better opening lines:
Do you need me to do anything today?
I love that pink blouse on you!
Want me to get us donuts?
You did not make the 95 year-old resident in the care home old. You're not to blame for her old age or whatever pain and health conditions she has. Never let a care client ever get so comfortable with you that they feel safe making you a target for their abuse.
I worked as a caregiver for 25 years and also did for my manipulative, abusive mother. I learned early on that you DO NOT tolerate rude and disrespectful behavior from anyone regardless of their age. Being old does not give a person a free pass to be an a$$hole to whoever they want.
Why do you think your client doesn't get on with her daughter?
If she's being rude and disrespectful to you or screaming and yelling at you, you cut her off. The way to do this is to look her plain in the face and tell her that you will not tolerate her behavior and if it continues you will be forced to talk to the administrator of the facility about her. After you have said this tell her that the crocodile tears do not stir your sympathies and that you don't want her fake apologies.
If she's truly sorry for her behavior towards you, she will stop behaving such to you. Tell her all of this.
If she continues to treat you so badly, tell your supervisor that you will not provide care or assistance to that resident.
" I just know all of you can't wait for me to die".
every time.
Maybe she's just tired of being asked. It's nothing about you or the care you give her, etc. it's just her.