Ok, this is a complicated story. Shortly after they retired, my parents sold their home and bought a new one close to my sister. She has two sons, and a really poor judgment. After about twelve years, my sister and husband went bankrupt--again, poor decisions--and left town. After a year, when I got married and moved, my mother (now 81) came to live in my town. We subsidize the condo she lives in. I knew she was helping my sister, now on her own, but didn't realize that she, mom, had maxed out her credit cards and had helped pay for my sister's new car until I had to assume POA. Mom's finances are a mess. My sister--I'll call her D.-- tried to "help" but showed up telling mom was what a terrible mother she was; mom was resentful, and acted out. It was a failed experiment. D. left for a while, but now wants to come back. It's hard to explain my sister. She accuses mom of lying when it's clear mom simply can't remember. And mom doesn't trust D to tell the truth, either. D. manages to convince people that's she always a victim. Lots of gaslighting. Being around the two of them is torture. I paid for a therapist when D. first came here, who said my mother was abusive and that D. should stay at our place. My husband and I don't know what to do. We're struggling to help Mom age in place, which at the moment is less expensive than assisted living, but don't want to let my sister back in either our house or mom's. We both feel trapped by my family and their bad decisions. D's sons are no help; one is very ill, and the other is a stoner. It's such a mess we really don't know how to begin to dig out.
This goes for rats, silverfish, bedbugs, roaches, and sisters.
"She accuses mom of lying when it's clear mom simply can't remember." You Mom seems to have Dementia and will not be able to age in place. Dementia worsens, it does not get better. If she can't remember she should not be living alone. Your sister should be kept away from her. She is the abuser.
Your sister is where she is because of the choices she made. Not because Mom is a bad person.
First thing you need to do is find a new therapist! ASAP.
Second thing is tell you sister you don't want any contact with her, and tell mom that if she lets your sister move in you are done helping Mom!
I'm not exactly sure ,as Alva said what the question really is but,that's my answer to your sister issues if that is you question.
If you want to fill us in more?
The answer to letting your sister move in is a sound no! Why should you become a victim in her ongoing financial saga. Not your problem. Your mother is enabling your sister but complains and continues to do so. You are expected to fix your sister's financial mess by allowing her to move in? Go figure? Sounds like emeshment.
Once you let her in she will NOT leave. Once she sets up residence she cannot be thrown out.
D will always blame everyone but herself for decisions made.
Do not rely on sons.
You will be hated, you will be cursed at, you will be threatened.
You will need to understand that and you will need to stand up for your sanity.
NO, is going to be your word from now on.
Oh and important - do not let your mom go with your sister ANYWHERE! I have also experienced that - my uncle never returned alive - he died of a broken heart with his daughter.
If anything document everything so that if anything happens you have a documentation of it.
This is not easy - trust me - been there done that!
You mention "bad choices". You are correct. They have consequences. And you cannot manage or prevent those.
You seem to have no specific question for us. Yours is rather a history of problems that are ongoing. If you do have a specific problem, choice, action, something concrete I think we may be of some help. I can't otherwise imagine how we could do much but give you our sincere sympathy (I do) and wish you the very best of luck (I surely do that as well).
Take care.
Oh btw, anything over 15000 a year to a recipient is irs taxable to you, so I think it’s time for mom to explore Medicaid.