Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
1 2 3
Pooh, I am so sorry for you loss of your nana. What a gift to her that you were able to be with her at the very end. It also occurred to me that you were giving her another gift by holding back your cries with every once of strength you had, so that she would feel allowed to move on to Heaven and those awaiting her there. God bless you and your family.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Please discuss this with your Chaplain or whomever you feel will Defend YOU! Being a Caregiver does not require that you go beyond your own self-protection. This is an example of "The Caregiver's Dilemma!" It is very typical of the Caregiver Personality to, "give until it hurts!" Someone may ask you to do that but no one can expect it of you. I would gladly say more here but given time and space restrictions I will leave it here... please consult with someone that will Defend YOU as you Care for someone else.

HONOR yourself as you Care for others!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

DocCaregivers, love the way you put it, and I wholeheartedly agree. Each person who knows his or her upper limits knows just how far is enough.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Wow, you are all awesome caregivers!!!!! This is such a very personal choice, and no one has all the right answers, we just each have our own experiences to share, and try to help and support one another by sharing those experiences. I haven't posted in many months, since my Dad's passing. Hospice nurses will tell you that the ultimate decision on who is in the room when the loved one passes is by the one dying. I truly believe this by hearing the many stories. I was lucky enough.....no....honored to be chosen by my Dad to be in the room with him during his last breath, and I got to hear the very last beat of his heart with my head on his chest. I am also grateful that he was not alone. I would have felt horrible for the rest of my life, had I not been there, and I think my Dad sensed this (I say this because he could no longer speak, due to a massive stroke), and allowed only myself to be there, before the remainder of the family was there. Children, of course should be allowed to decide for themselves. There is much fear of the unknown, but the experience for me was a beautiful one, but this is just my opinion only. Good luck to you all, many hugs.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

What a beautiful tribute to your love for your Dad and his dignity in death, with your loving support. Your sharing means a lot to me, personally. I agree with you, Nauseated, that we each have our own experiences we bring to bear in our sharing with each other. No situation is ever all or nothing as this post and discussion thread serve to illustrate. This post and everyone's sharing has been very touching. Bet your Dad's love shines brightly for you through time and space...eternity. Peace, Nauseated. You have outdone yourself as a caregiver by being there when it most counted for you and your Dad.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Pooh, you are NOT being selfish! People deal with things in different ways and don't feel guilty for your feelings. You do what you think is best. God has a will of working things out - my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. My five year old son offered his grandfather ice cream as he lay dying in a nursing home, refusing to eat. It makes the kids see death for what it really is - it's not all pretty, but there are also rainbows. My kids have lost three grandparents already -two just recently. It's a hard subject to talk about, but they have their "angels' in heaven watching over them. Again, I am praying for you in this situation!

I would talk to the chaplain - I think that would help a lot!
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

i really miss my nana....my boyfriend (apparently w.o thinking about it) turned off the lamp in her bedroom tonight and shut the door to block out the light of the tv, b/c i cant turn either off, and i freaking broke down....he cldv just shut the door, and not turned off the lamp....this pain that is supposed to get easier, isnt getting easier....the periods of utter sadness are less, however the pain is not....thanks for so many kind and encouraging words.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Tennesse's daughter, I just want to commend you for what you did for your grandfather and your dad. I think they were both very lucky to have someone so special and dear to them by their side when their time came. I think that is what we all want when it is our time. No one would wish to be alone. You are very mature for your age and it sounds like these experiences may have brought you a very helpful gift to help others, maybe a career in hospice or another helping field. God bless you.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Pooh, I am so sorry that the end for your Nana was so tough for you. From what the nurses and doctors have told me, it is much worse on the family than the person who is dying.When my father passed away, he had said the important things like your Nana said to you.After a weak person has done that, I believe it is our turn to just be there IF WE ARE ABLE TO DO SO.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I'm sorry. I sent this too soon. In regards to your children, I sent my 18 year old away to take my 84 year old mother home at her request.I am glad he was not there although he helped take care of my father for 8 months. He learned how to take care of trachs and other needs. I was present for several other deaths of beloved relatives, and I am not certain that was such a good idea for a 7 and 12 year old. My grandfather instructed the nurses that he did not want me to remember him dying and to remove me before it happened. That was a gift from him to me. All of this is personal choice ,and I know our group has a tendency to become a little sidetracked and opinionated However, I think you did the exact things that needed to be done. Please rest in peace now and give your children the gift of no guilt. You sound like the person who would do so. Blessings to all of you. Rebecca
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I think it is important to remember that we come into and leave this world in the same way. As a child, we are incapable of taking care of ourselves so our family takes care of our every need. The elderly sometimes have similar or exactly the same needs. I truly believe that taking care of a loved one is one of the hardest tasks in life but it is also one of the greatest gifts we can give them. Show her how much you appreciate and love her by doing as much as you can for her. It can be VERY difficult at times. However, you know in your heart that you are doing the right thing. Treasure the good times and try to make new wonderful moments. Keep in mind that you are loving and caring for her - just like she did when you came into the world.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I was with my mom when she passed too. Its all true. I think I am glad I was the only one of the family, and I think it was meant to be that way. The memories of the death itself do fade in intensity, though reading this thread kind of brought it back a little!! I held her hand and told her it was all right, she'd done her best...I may not have done all the best things through the whole caregiving experience, or maybe I did, but mom handled it all as best she could. I didn't get to be with my dad - he had staff who cared about him with him, but I honestly regret that more. MANY years ago now, my kids were exposed to some things with my in-laws when I thought it was best Never To Hide Anything, because so many people hide so much and cut off sorely needed communication that way - usually by hiding things that aren't really hidden anyways! - and it did not do them good at all. Pooh, it WILL be OK - it will take a while to FEEL OK - but you know, you really DID do the best, of all of us writing on here I think. :-) Hugs and prayers...
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Oh, pooh, my heart is with yours! Blessings on you. I've learned that when people die (other than in an accident) they decide when they are going to pass. That is the very last thing in their life that they are able to do. Some choose to die without being surrounded by loved ones, some with them, Whatever happens in your case please know that your loved one has decided when the time has come. Try not to blame yourself if the time comes and you happen to be in another room, etc. I say these things because I have experienced it several times and this is something our Hospice has mentioned that happens.
Try to remember the good times and try to tell your mom about them. The hearing is the last sense to go even when you think they can't know what is being said. Soothing talk helps even though they probably can't respond vocally. And holding hands also helps.
Bless you, pooh!! My heart hears your cry.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

If you read the hospice booklet or talk to people who had loved ones pass you will see that it is common for people to let go and pass while their loved ones are out of the room. My own grandmother waited until my aunt went to the restroom. When she came out my grandmother had passed. My 84 year old MIL IS IN A NURSING HOME AND ON HOSPICE CARE. THEY ARE WONDERFUL!! They provide excellent care for the mind, body and soul. They have been such a comfort for all of us providing extra care. Medicare pays 100% for their services so there is no reason not to call them. God bless you all who are putting your life on hold while you help someone transition with love, care and dignity.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

pooh, if the boys are there when it happens, don't chase them away. On the other hand, don't keep them up all night or keep them away from school and friends to hold vigil. Let it be natural, let them live their lives. Often they will hang on as long as you are in the room. You need to give her permission to go, tell her it is ok. They wait for you to leave briefly, to answer the door, to take a call, to cook a meal, and then they cross over. You come back and they are gone, peacefully. Be glad for their peace.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

To pooh: I've read all of this and all I can tell you are my experiences: my dad was going down rapidly. His granddaughter went to our basement after drinking most of his morphine prescription...but at the time we didn't know this...we just knew he didn't have enough morphine. I had to go to the only drugstore that kept morphine to get more. This drugstore was at least an extra 45 minutes round trip than if we could have gone to a closer one. Because of this I missed my father passing. It angered me (after we found out about the misuse of the morphine by my niece) that she had taken not only time away from me and my dad, but also missing his passing. My mothers passing was so much different for me...I was with her, one hand on her left cheek and my other hand holding her left hand. It was a very spiritual experience and even though I was and still am sadden by her passing, I find it also comforting. You will have to decide, but I feel like you could have peace knowing you helped her to the very end.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

1 2 3
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter