92-year-old mom moved into assisted living today and I'm having the guilts because I am not clear what type of dementia she has. I have noticed confusion and new strange behaviors for the past 6 months to a year, but it escalated noticeably after her fall and subsequent hospital delirium. Delirium and sundowning has greatly decreased with proper medication. She stayed within her senior community, where she lived independently for 6 years in a beautiful one-bedroom apartment and moved today to a studio in the assisted living unit after 2 weeks in rehab. She requires help with the physical aspects of dressing, showering and toileting and meds due to severe shoulder pain and weakness and ongoing confusion. In the hospital my POA was activated and thus, she had to go to a studio setting per our WI state law when POA activated. Her cognitive state seems to vary so much, during those times when she seems more lucid, I find myself second guessing if I made the right decision. I have been reassured by the APS SW that it was the right decision, because she also was seeing lack of competence and mom did not pass the neuropsychic testing. I called mom tonight, after being with her most of day to get her settled and she thanked me for coordinating the move, and that she knows she needs help, but does not believe she has dementia (both her twin sister and older sister passed from vascular dementia and Parkinson’s dementia, at ages 90 and 94, respectively). I know she is not happy right now in her new dwelling. I displayed all her photos, angel collection, etc. and she says it is too cluttered in her studio. I will help her cut bait next week. Right now, I am still too sore to move after 2 days of nonstop cleaning, organizing etc. My brother refused to help, and my husband cannot lift more than 15 pounds due to past severe heart attack. I am 68 with health issues myself. I feel so sad for her. We have always had a very tumultuous relationship, but have made peace and apologized, on both our parts, since her fall. She asked me if this will be her last home before she dies. It broke my heart, but I was honest and told her it probably would be. Based on what occurred so far, and that the Dr. felt it was safest for her now, but only God knows what lies ahead. He and I are certain her dementia will continue to progress, but unclear what type she has. Or if it was due to past mini strokes. Just feeling guilty and apprehensive tonight. My brother also is of course giving me trouble, and lip service only, after telling me he did not want to be involved or help and then I must watch mom crying because he won’t even call her. He pulled the same thing before and after my wonderful father passed. I had to organize moms move, get their condo cleaned out and sold. She wanted to make a new start. No help whatsoever, just criticism. I'm totally drained and so tired of always having to be the strong one.
Try to do a changeover to the other g-word, which is GRIEF, the word appropriate for what you and your loved one is experiencing daily now in terms of loss.
Grief brings mourning and this is worth crying over.
So that takes care of the guilt portion of this.
On to the bro. You know him. He isn't changed. And you know you cannot expect to change others. He isn't in charge (I assume); you are. Embrace that responsibility and move on. He will have to come to his own peace best he can.
Everything you have said here tells us that you have helped lovingly and honestly, and that your heart is absolutely breaking. So that leaves you AND Mom heartbroken and grieving. Don't try to walk away from that grief. Let it happen. There is a beauty in grief that comes of love. Your mother, given the state of this our world is more lucky than most-- blessed, even.
If someone who has helped and accomplished all that YOU have for your Mom cannot embrace and take joy and comfort of that, where exactly are we?
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the heartbreak for you and your mom. Help her put together a scrapbook. Talk to her about her memories. Make your OWN memories. We have one life and your mom's is drawing now to a close. Please don't waste time with feeling inappropriate guilt. Please allow yourself to take joy in this your mom's last time on earth, and in your loving her as you do.
While you live she will never truly be gone. Trust me, I am 80, and my Mom I carry with me in all I do.
The story of the unhelpful yet critical brother is so common. I have one as well.