Adjusting to assisted living. Any advice managing stress and guilt?

Sounds to me like you did right by your mom. Change is hard but she will adjust with time.
The story of the unhelpful yet critical brother is so common. I have one as well.

May I ask what medication assisted with sundowning?

So many people can identify with the caregiver situations that I found myself responding to the replies in this post thinking it was the one I posted a short time ago. My apologies. I too, have had to be the strong one, the coordinator, the negotiator, the problem solver, the mediator, etc. etc. It is exhausting and breeds tremendous resentment when there are other family members who can support you and choose not to or believe they can't or don't know how. I had similar experience with my brother and it took some time but thankfully he came around and is now a tremendous support. That will not be everyone's outcome, but before he came around, I found invaluable support from this forum and reached out to my friends for support as I realized I was shutting them out because I was not taking care of myself. Prayers up for you. One thing about this forum is you are never alone!

Guilt infers responsibility. And you aren't responsible for this happening. You didn't create age and debility and wish it upon the one you love. You didn't cause it and you can't fix it. Therefore guilt is the wrong word, and the words we repeat to ourselves over and over truly matter.
Try to do a changeover to the other g-word, which is GRIEF, the word appropriate for what you and your loved one is experiencing daily now in terms of loss.
Grief brings mourning and this is worth crying over.

So that takes care of the guilt portion of this.
On to the bro. You know him. He isn't changed. And you know you cannot expect to change others. He isn't in charge (I assume); you are. Embrace that responsibility and move on. He will have to come to his own peace best he can.

Everything you have said here tells us that you have helped lovingly and honestly, and that your heart is absolutely breaking. So that leaves you AND Mom heartbroken and grieving. Don't try to walk away from that grief. Let it happen. There is a beauty in grief that comes of love. Your mother, given the state of this our world is more lucky than most-- blessed, even.
If someone who has helped and accomplished all that YOU have for your Mom cannot embrace and take joy and comfort of that, where exactly are we?

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the heartbreak for you and your mom. Help her put together a scrapbook. Talk to her about her memories. Make your OWN memories. We have one life and your mom's is drawing now to a close. Please don't waste time with feeling inappropriate guilt. Please allow yourself to take joy in this your mom's last time on earth, and in your loving her as you do.
While you live she will never truly be gone. Trust me, I am 80, and my Mom I carry with me in all I do.

Some people cannot handle life on life's terms; instead, they use denial to avoid being a responsible adult. Block your brother on your phone and tell him to call a lawyer if he has questions.

Get your mother evaluated by a dementia center and see if you can locate a Geriatric Psychiatrist who is close by or can meet via Zoom. Let the therapist do the talking for you as you all meet together.

https://www.alzheimers.gov/taking-action/national-research-centers

I am a lifestyle coordinator in an assisted living facility and this is a hard time for both of you but see if you can get her involved in bingo crafts activities that they have she will find that sometimes she has a different kind of freedom and you will also be closer when you do go to visit her and visit her often some of my residents with early stages of dementia feel better once they have moved in and gotten involved it gets away off their shoulders because they felt like they were in burden to their family but now each of the family members you and your mom are independent just give her some time to adapt and to meet some new friends play cards play bingo crafts we have entertainment with a wine days that they really enjoy I'm very involved with all my residents they're like my mom and dad that are both passed away just visit her often so she can brag to her friends if this is my daughter and these are my grandkids and they come visit me often

I feel your pain. I too have a sister who did nothing to help get our mom into a safe place since she can't care for herself anymore. I too am tired of being the "bad guy" for putting her in a place who can care for her. I live over an hr each way yet I am there daily while she lives about 20 min the most and only shows up once a month if that much and kvetches how bad the facility is and how I must hate our mother. I second guess my decision everyday and night and the stress is taking its toll on my already bad health, I am disabled and care for my adult daughter who won't leave the house unless I push her to do so. I'm the black sheep of the family and my mom and I never got along which caused me to leave home at 14 and finished high school and college on my own. Ive come back to help my mom with no backing but I did it while fighting my sister all the way. Lifes funny here I am the person she didnt get along with doing everything for her while her "baby" did and still does nothing but cry in front of her how sorry she is "we" took her from her home and put her "away". Hang in there you are not alone. God bless you and your mom.

Tygrrly1, {{{HUGS}}} - the answers here are so good, wise and helpful I can't really add much except to say that I completely understand how you feel. Your situation sounds so similar to the one I had with my mum. She had lived with me and my husband for 19 years, and for the last 10+ I'd witnessed her health decline with osteoporosis, decreasing mobility and dementia. She reached a point where her behaviour was so random and so many things were happening with her that I knew I just couldn't cope any more. We made the decision to move her to a local friendly care home (this is in the UK) where she'd stayed before. Even tho I went through everything with her and wrote it all down for her and she agreed it was for the best, when the day came of course she didn't want to go. When we got there, she declared dramatically "I'm going to die here, aren't I?!?" Honestly, it was one of the worst days of my life. I cried and cried when we got back home. It broke my heart. And she did die there, one year later (last year) aged 98 - but at least she was in her own room, in her own comfy bed with carers around her.

Here's the thing. Like you I was plagued with guilt and second guessing, but all that mental torment doesn't change anything. I was in denial about how bad she actually was, how bad her (also undiagnosed) dementia had become. In the UK, our local council has a duty of care and they go to interview every person who's been placed in a home to conduct a 'Safeguarding' assessment to make sure the person's need to be in care outweighs their 'deprivation of liberty'. They sent me a copy of their report, six months after her death (unaware that she'd died). It was tough reading; the psychologist who interviewed her found that she didn't know where she was and couldn't remember anything, eg places she'd lived, her own parents and husband (my dad) and barely remembered me even tho I was visiting regularly. I cried on and off for two days; it brought back so many difficult memories. BUT the report acted as a reality check for me. It brought it home that mum really was in the end stages of dementia, that she needed 24/7 care and 2-person care for personal hygiene. I finally accepted that I couldn't have continued with her at home, that she needed professional care, and that we did the right thing.

So yes, I've learned that the guilt and sorrow is normal. There's no "perfect" decision, only the best decision we can make. I accept now that it was bound to be painful whatever we did, but we did the best and only thing we could have done in the circs, and that - as others have said - 98 is a great age. Few people get to live that long, and she had really had enough of life by then and just wanted to sleep... which she did. The pain doesn't go away, but it's eased a bit by knowing that we did the right thing for my mum, and that you are doing the right thing for yours. xxxxx

Don’t feel guilty. Just be reassured that your mother is in a better place where she has people to watch over her and take care of her. Visit her as often as you can. Your mother is blessed to have a wonderful child like you.

tygrlly1: Your mother is in the right place - assisted living. Take a breath. Get some much needed rest. Set the guilt aside so that you CAN rest.

As many of us have said, know that you have done the right thing. Do not feel guilty or second guess yourself. I am so glad you can have candid talks with your mom, as I cannot with mine. My dad passed over 3 years ago and I have taken a huge brunt of blame from my mom (my sister less so) for "moving" her in AL after he passed. We did not force the AL move, it was her/dad decisions after his significant health decline and her suffering TIAs and falls. Mom is not the same mom I once had, my MD says I lost her a long time ago. So after 2 AL homes that she was never happy at (think cruise ship on land), after a couple bad falls last year (but 6 or so since dad passed) her MDs said she required 24 hr care in a smaller home. She has some dementia, could not pass the last 3 cognitive tests, and every call or visit with me ends in her negativity, yelling and berrating me. I let her calls go to VM now and choose when to call her.
I pray for your continued support and love for your mom. Cherish every moment and conversation with her. Be glad she accepts your honesty and loving support. You will be just fine.💕

I am so grateful to this site, I feel like I wrote the original letter. I moved my Mom in today to a Memory Care Facility and came home and cried. I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. I know I did the right thing, but it still hurt. When I left she cried and I felt so bad. She begged me to please come back tomorrow. I have a very helpful husband, brother and son. My older sister also said she wasn't going to help. I will never ever understand that, even if y'all tried to explain it, I still wouldn't get it. Thank you to all of you experienced people, it truly helps to know you are not alone!

I am so grateful to this site, I feel like I wrote the original letter. I moved my Mom in today to a Memory Care Facility and came home and cried. I am both physically and emotionally exhausted. I know I did the right thing, but it still hurt. When I left she cried and I felt so bad. She begged me to please come back tomorrow. I have a very helpful husband, brother and son. My older sister also said she wasn't going to help. I will never ever understand that, even if y'all tried to explain it, I still wouldn't get it. Thank you to all of you experienced people, it truly helps to know you are not alone!

I moved to AL with my husband a year ago. I am independent status in the same apartment. I don't like things about it; the food comes to mind. However, he is better than he was. Stronger, clearer, and more active. I think part of this is that both of us are free of many of the aspects of living in our own place. It was, and remains, an adjustment, often annoying. From our experience, I think you will be free of a lot of concerns to just concentrate on spending quality time with your Mom and helping her to adjust and take advantage of her setting. It doesn't sound like you had any choice. You can feel guilt about her life changing with advanced age and approaching mortality, but what's the point? It saps energy from getting on with making the best of it. Most likely you will be in the same boat some day. Do you want people feeling guilty for God's work? I don't think so. Rest up, write off your brother for the present, take care of yourself and your husband. When your energy returns, a move is a move is a move, you can focus on helping you and your Mom enjoy the rest of your time together. God Bless.

SORRY for the duplication.

Don't feel guilty. You are following the doctor's recommendations and common sense. Your mom entrusted you to be POA when she needs it and she clearly needed it. To care for her with all her needs at your home would jeopardize your health and perhaps your relationship with your hubbie. It is hard enough to be the family caretaker when the loved one is in assisted living. Don't worry about her thinking she does not have dementia. Don't emphasize it. It is clearly a negative term to her. She admitted she needs help and an AL gives her that and the level of safety that would be far too much for you and your hubbie to handle. Most parents on some level or another do not want to be a burden to their kids.

AL is an adjustment, but she will settle in. Encourage her to participate in activities. The staff will help too. Show up on occasion, go to activities with her, start conversations with fellow residents and get her involved in the conversation. Be friendly towards management and staff and ask questions. My SIL snubbed the housekeeper at my MIL's independent living facility. The housekeeper was the sweetest person and considered my MIL a friend as they talked while she was working. The staff is on the front lines and will express concerns to management and family when they see a change that even family may not notice. In the case of the housekeeper, she was the housekeeper for the entire four years my MIL was in independent living.

I don't know the situation with your brother. If he is local and wasn't willing to help when asked, that really stinks. I know what a physical and mental strain it is to be packing up and cleaning. Hope you had help with moving furniture. If your brother is a critical person and questions your decisions, you may be lucky he didn't want to help. I would not have wanted my out of state SIL to help move her as she is very opinionated and hard enough to deal with in non-stressful situations. She second guesses all decisions her brother and I make regarding her mother yet she has come to town only three times in four years and does not call her mother very much at all. My out of state BIL probably would not have been that much help and he is self-employed and has a teenager so his down time for helping is very limited. Thankfully, he is more grateful than critical about our decisions and actions with his mom.

My MIL started making comments that she was not going to be around that much longer. Heartbreaking. It started when we talked about moving her from independent living to get her more help. When my hubbie took her to the doctor, he talked to her. What he said was that seniors her age start thinking about their own mortality. Based on her responses, she had a healthy, normal, rational process of thinking about it. If your mom becomes repetitive with her comments about dying there, maybe her doctor can help understand if her thoughts are natural or of a concern. My MIL discontinued the comments to us about dying soon after Christmas. She had moved into AL in late Nov last year. Maybe her fellow 100 and 103 old residents set her straight that she could live there a very long time and have fun:)

I recently placed my mom in an assisted living facility. Found so few options in our price range which also contributed to my guilt in transitioning her. It can be particularly difficult when the relationship has been conflictual and dementia can often exacerbate unpleasant personality responses. What supported me in my decision was doing research, reading these forums, conferring with medical team and talking with friends and even strangers. I found the more I reached out the less alone I felt in the process. So many people I know and encounter are either struggling with similar issues or knows someone who is. You never know where you're going to find resources and strength. It is crucial that you continue to visit. It's important facility staff know family and friends are still involved and allows mom to feel she is still a part of your thoughts and life. I have the same with sibling. It helped to identify what was making my sibling so uncomfortable and carving out what he felt comfortable contributing. Sometimes siblings will only contribute financially, or transportation, or arrange appointments. While helpful, it leaves us carrying the emotional baggage and, in the end, still feels unbalanced. Sometimes it is a matter of role perception. Daughters are perceived as caretakers. Sons are regulated to concrete needs. Sometimes a third party like a therapist or palliative social worker can help to facilitate a session with you and your brother. There's always an underlying reason someone is disengaged. So proud to hear and relieved to hear you were able to express your feelings about the mother-daughter relationship and find resolution and peace. That was an incredibly brave step. As mom's dementia progresses some of those issues may resurface. Continue to reach out so we can support you. Thank you so much for your post. Your transparency, bravery and resiliency strengthened me and helped me to feel less alone today.

Sadly, when people get to the point where they are not able to care for themselves, there are only two basic options: in-home caregivers or living in an assisted living/memory care/nursing home facility. With dementia, you have to expect that your mother's physical and mental condition will decline. Dementia is a difficult disease to understand, because it is different for everyone who has it, there are different stages, there are good days and bad days, and different symptoms and capabilities at each stage. Memory care facilities have professional staff who know what to expect and how to handle it. Given your family situation, it's best that your mother is in a facility that will provide good care for her. Hopefully her facility is close to you and you can visit often and oversee her care. Any moves are disorienting for seniors, especially when they have dementia. They have to learn new routines, new pathways to places they need to go, etc. People with dementia have limited or no ability to learn new things. Be patient with your mother and talk to her doctor and the staff at her facility to discuss any issues or anxieties your mother has. They may have suggestions. It's best not to lie to people with dementia, but you can try to redirect their thoughts and anxieties. It's best to keep stuff to a minimum in her present state and location. Have just a few mementos around, preferably ones that are not valuable or breakable. Do not keep any valuables in her room, or any cash, financial papers, credit cards, checkbooks, or dangerous things (like scissors, knives, etc.). Pictures that can hang on the wall are OK. Pretty bedding is OK. But all bedding, towels, clothes should be sturdy and able to take hot wash and dry (no delicates). Only have a few books, if she looks at them. My mother started with some magazine subscriptions, but eventually she stopped looking at books and we cancelled them. Clothes should be comfortable and easy to get on and off. When my mother was in a memory care facility (for about 8 years) she did best with elastic waist stretchy pants, stretchy pullon tops where the neck was not too tight, sweaters that could go through the laundry and had no buttons, a loose warm coat for going to the doctor, etc. If your mother likes jewelry, just keep inexpensive costume jewelry in her room. Her facility will provide activities and the materials necessary for them. You will have to see how your mother is doing day to day, and adjust accordingly. Try not to spend your time with her cleaning and organizing, but pay attention to her and her needs, and make the time loving and positive for both of you, as much as you can. As my mother's dementia got worse, our happiest time was sitting out on the patio together at her facility. As long as she is capable of going out for excursions you can do that with her, if she enjoys it, but at some point it may no longer be feasible. To make things easier for yourself, set up her accounts online and get a credit card on her account with your name on it so that you can purchase things for her. With my mother, I set up autopay for as many of her accounts as I could. Dementia is a very sad disease to witness in a loved one, and it must be a terrible disease for those who have it to go through. There were times when my mother told me to go away when I visited. The staff at her facility taught me that sometimes it works just to sit outside her room for 5-10 minutes and then try again. This usually worked. At the end, my mother could no longer speak, walk or feed herself. Sometimes when I left her after a visit I went into the ladies room and cried. Try not to let your brother's criticism (or your mother's unhappiness) get to you. You are the responsible overseeing your mother's care. Get caregiver counseling for yourself and join caregiver groups, if you think it would help. Take some time for yourself and husband. Be good to yourself. All the best to you, your mother and family.

I totally get this…my heart ached for a long time. No one can understand until they do this..Watch our loved parent give up so much as we add more work to our life as an aging person. My moms 89 …I am 72. Moms on year 4 and I have adjusted after engaging in counseling. A safe place to say exactly how I feel about this new norm. …not sugar coating my feelings as I do for the friends and family. Good Luck..it is early days. Set yourself a realistic schedule for visits!

Ask yourself these questions.
Is she safer where she is now than in Independent Living apartment?
Will she have more help now?
And does she need the extra help?
Did she need the large apartment she had before?
Is her new place comfortable and safe for her?

She will adjust.
Yes it will take a bit of time
No one really wants to move, to change what they know.
(My only thought on the move and if it will be her last one..I am of the belief that someone with dementia should be in Memory Care not in AL unless there is the ability to have it secure so a person with dementia can not wander out. )

Rest easy that you are doing the right thing. Try to ignore those that give you a difficult time about your choices. If you are making the choices you make in the best interest of your mom that is all anyone can ask of you.

You absolutely did the right thing. She is blessed to have you. Don’t waste any more time worrying about your brother, you can only control you. Hang in there and sleep well. Mom is safe and being taken care of.

These are all such great responses. My mother was never tested for dementia; she probably had mid-level cognitive decline, probably not advanced to a dementia diagnosis when I moved her to an AL at age 100. Maybe mild dementia when she died at 102. But after four years of living with her, I couldn't do it any more. She had a fall with broken arm; I had to do everything for her for six weeks. She recovered, but she wasn't going to get younger. A year later, she told the hospice nurse she hadn't wanted to move, but now she knows it was the right thing. And we had 18 months to heal our relationship, when I could just be her daughter again. (Unlike your brother), you are not abandoning her. You will just have a different role. All will be well, you will both adjust. And when the elderly choose to "age in place" (and the children honor that at great emotional and physical expense), they also choose loneliness. Maybe she will make friends, and engage in activities. Sending hugs.

It doesn't MATTER what kind of dementia she has. There is no cure for any of them. So set that one aside.
As to guilt, set it aside also, because you didn't cause this and you can't fix this. Guilt belongs to felons.
As to loving ALF and thinking she belongs or does not, your Mom may be like my brother eventually, who said "You know, hon, it's like the army when I was younger. I couldn't love it, but I did make the best of it". He went from quite unhappy to being the one who picked the roses daily for the breakfast tables, and got BETTER there because I was doing all his financial work and his mind was free.
You did the right thing. Mom is now in care. You can visit and help her and she is safe. You, again, did not do this. Use the right G-word because the words we say to ourselves matter. Use the G-word GRIEF. That's what you are feeling. Grief that not everything can be fixed. Grief that some things can be endured.
Dr Laura on her podcast recently talked about "happy". Asking WHEN were we happy all the time in our lives. And yes, that's a question to consider. Life isn't about happy at any age.
I am glad that you answered your mom honestly and I congratulate you on that. There is to my mind no such thing as a therapeutic lie for the most part. The answer is yes, this is her last home, BUT you will be there to support her in what ways you are able.
As to the siblings, set that aside. You already always knew what they would be, and they are, and that won't change, so why do any circular thinking about it? Just adds to an already full plate.
My heart goes out to you. And to your Mom. As with my bro and myself, this is about heartbreak. Allow her to talk. Put your feet up and talk with her about it. My brother and I did that when I would visit (even tho we were a full long state away one at one end and one at another) and we learned so much. And yes, there was hurt for us both. I so wish you the best. Life is a journey. And this is this part of the trip you two are taking. Good luck.

Get her in place and buckle
down for the adventure. Guilt and second guessing is part of the experience. One year past my mother passing at 100 and I have moments of “what if”.

You did the right thing.

Well for one, if you did not place her, you would be dealing with a whole lot more care. She thanked you so she is cognicent to know that she needs help that just you cannot provide.
You should have hired movers. For 2 or 3 hours of work, it would have cost her $300 to 400 and your back muscles would have been better. I am your age and I cannot move a sofa that I bought, so I just hired movers to protect my arthritic bones. Consider hiring if mom needs to go a level up in the future.
Your brother is a jerk. I hope your mother gives him some silent treatment out of this. You might want to think the same.

Give her a couple of weeks so that she can independently make new friends. Give yourself a couple of days rest before you tackle any more moving. You can tell your mom that you need a "back" rest.
As far as a diagnosis for dementia. Since my mother had no behavioral issues other than repetition, my sibling and I did not press for a diagnosis since we watched another relative in the past go through it. We did not care whether it was vascular or Alzheimers if she required no medicines to treat. There is no roadmap. Just plan to stay a step ahead next time. Watch for more memory problems and consider MC searches before mom gets too far along.
And after writing this, I just realized I parroted Lelonnie1

Bless your heart...you are doing exactly as you should...being a wonderful, loving daughter. Because you have Power of Attorney, you alone (with guidance from Mom's doctor) are her caretaker, and you should tell your brother to bug off...or else put his big boy pants on and grow up. If he doesn't help you or agree with your methods of caring for your mom, be firm with him and tell him to quit feeling guilty and help you, or to not call you anymore. You don't need him to stress you out. Your mom sounds like a very nice and understanding person and I'll bet she appreciates you. Stay strong....you have a lot on your plate. She is a lucky Mom.

You did the right thing by placing your mom in assisted living. Please be at peace with this decision.

You’ll adjust to this new arrangement and so will your mom.

Keep us posted on how you and your mom are doing.

Please don’t feel sad for her! She’s in a place where she’ll have the care she needs. You need to rest and relax, which means not worrying what dementia she has. It makes no difference. Neither does what stage she’s in. Deal with making sure she gets what she needs, and you’ve already done a fine job of that.

She's not happy...and it's been one day.

Give it time. Everything usually shakes itself out, and there's no rush to make the world perfect.

Tonight, just breathe.

(((((hugs)))) You have made the right decisions for your mum. She needs help amd she will get the care she needs in her new setting. I am sure you are exhausted now. Please give yourself some time to recover. If I were you I would limit contact with your brother. He isn't helping anyone, My sis was like that - only criticized but never helped. I finally cut contact with her. It was the best thing I did for myself. Time to look after you now,