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Id like some advice on what to do concerning my mom.
She is in her 60s, struggling with mobility. She has had two or three falls this year, the last resulting in a trip to the ER. Scans came back fine, but I'm worried about her. She can hardly walk around a grocery store without being out of breath. Her feet are swollen from lack of moving around. I'm not sure what options there are if she is getting to the point she can't take care of herself. Living with me or my sibling is not an option... I'd really rather not go into why.
Edited to add: I live an hour away, she lives alone in an apartment. Shes hesitant about taking any type of medication for her depression or doing anything to make herself feel better. I've begged her to do so for years.
I don't believe she would qualify for Medicaid. But she doesn't make enough to pay for assisted living out of pocket. I'm really stumped as to how to help her.

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When my mother refused to take antidepressants for what was obviously a lifetime of depression, I finally told her I'd stop helping her 100% until and unless she started faithfully taking the damned pills. As always, she was turning HER problem into MY problem, and I'd had enough of it, after many decades.

Your mother is free to do as she pleases, including ignore all of her health issues including depression which likely keeps her sitting immobilized in front of a tv set all day. And you, my friend, are free to do as you please also, which includes issuing ultimatums. And then following thru with said ultimatums if mother refuses to do her part.

We all choose how we live life. Nobody "has to" do anything for anybody. Sometimes a bit of tough love is required to get a person to realize that they're not going to kill themselves on YOUR watch.
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If mom doesn’t have a medical reason for her shortness of breath, swollen feet, and lack of mobility, then a more complete medical evaluation needs to happen. You need not explain here why mom not living with you is a bad idea as most here would agree with you, it’s seldom a good idea for either side, often starting with good intentions and then going all wrong. Let us know if her medical diagnoses are known, if she’s on Medicare or Medicaid or has private insurance, and her current living arrangement so more advice can be given
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Gosh your mom is very young to be falling already and having mobility issues. I am 65 years young and have none of the above. I can only guess that your mom must be very overweight huh?
I'm glad to hear that you and your sibling don't feel the need to have mom move in with you as she is NOT your responsibility.
If your mom is needing help she can either hire some in-home help with her own money or she can decide to move into an assisted living facility using her own money.
And if money is an issue she'll have to apply for Medicaid.
You can always call APS and share with them your concerns about your mom and let them come out and do an assessment. They will be able to better direct what should happen next.
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@marie1988
You can't force her to do what she should be doing.
What you can do is if and when she needs help (other than an emergency) do what you want when you want.
You are not responsible for her choices.

You could have a serious discussion with her maybe something like this....
"Mom, we need to know what you want us to do in case of an emergency. There is a medical form that we should fill out that gives us an idea what emergency treatments you want. We can fill it out and the doctor will sign it and it will be put in your medical file. We also need to have one here in your apartment in case the paramedics are called..
(By the way if the form, a POLST, is not visible the paramedics are required to do what they can even if it goes against the wishes so always have a copy with you)

If mom is ever hospitalized and you do not think it is safe for her to be discharged to her home you utter that wonderful phrase..."This is an unsafe discharge" A hospital can not discharge her if it is unsafe.

Look into if she would qualify for Medicaid.
Or if she would qualify for any benefits from a husband. Of if husband was a Veteran she may be entitled to benefits (depending on his service and as long as she did not remarry)
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She's awfully young to be having mobility problems. What you described: falling, out of breath easily, swollen feet... sounds like maybe a heart problem. I would schedule an appointment with her primary doctor. The ER maybe only looked at her head? Is that all they scanned, because she fell? Don't jump to conclusions yet until she's had a thorough exam. If your Mom is older than 65 and on Medicare, she gets a free wellness check-up every year. Even if she's not yet 65, I wouldn't wait to take her in. I would go with her so you hear what the doctor tells her.
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marie1988 Feb 2025
I should've elaborated further but she doesn't seem to want to take care of herself.

She manages her diabetes very poorly, struggles with going to her doctor visits and trying to get light exercise.

I'm just unsure what to do when she doesn't even want to help herself.
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Maybe consider she is depressed and this is why she is neglecting her health. My Mom benefited a lot from the minimum dose of Lexapro, which has the least side effects of those types of meds. Your Mom would still need a thorough exam by her primary doc for any kinds of meds, or even a referral to a specialist. Or, if she's in pain all the time she will be less likely to want to exercise, like if she has neuropathy in her feet... it can be quite painful nonstop. Other issues caused by uncontrolled diabetes: "Heart and blood vessel disease.  Diabetes is associated with an increased risk of heart disease, stroke, high blood pressure and narrowing of blood vessels, a condition called atherosclerosis. Dementia.  Type 2 diabetes seems to increase the risk of Alzheimer's disease and other disorders that cause dementia. Poor control of blood sugar is linked to a more rapid decline in memory and other thinking skills." Source: Mayoclinic.org There are many other problems associated with diabetes. I just listed the 2 that seem relevant. Is she on insulin or other meds? Is she remembering to take them appropriately?
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marie1988 Feb 2025
She refuses to take medication or do anything to help with her depression. I'm honestly in a lose lose battle
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I think the wise thing to do would be get mom to agree to a doctor appointment for a physical.
The reason for the shortness of breath should be looked into.
The swelling of the feet/legs should also be checked.
The falls should also be mentioned. (They will or should ask if there have been any falls in the past year)
If everything checks out maybe the doctor could prescribe some PT sessions.
Some Senior Centers and some hospitals have programs that will help with balance.
If there is a Senior Center near by they may also have "exercise" programs that she might benefit from.
Does she do anything during the day? there may be some organizations that would love a Volunteer. That would get her out of the house and active as well as socializing with others.
You and siblings need to make it very clear to mom that living with you is NOT an option and she needs to do what she can to stay as independent as possible.
If she is living at home maybe looking at the probability of Senior Housing or Assisted Living where she would be near others and be able to get help with she needs it would be an option. ...when it comes to needing more help than either you or your sibling can provide.
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marie1988 Feb 2025
I've begged her to volunteer or go to the movement classes for a while and she won't. She just sits in her apartment all day.
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Three falls will qualify her for some good PT work. Attend with her. You will get a lot of guidance and good pointers. Balance in the elderly has to do more with brain and balance than anything else most often, but if more is going on, you will soon know it I think with some good PT work. She is really VERY young for our times. My daughter is 63 and has have more falls than I have in the last years. Primarily back, knee, hip issues, sadly.

Will wish you good luck. If this still continues to happen she WILL qualify for placement. Hope not as I said, she's several decades younger than me and I would love to see her thrive. PT often better than docs as finding out exactly what the issue is.
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