My mother recently turned 70. She has always been a controlling narcissist. My father passed away two years ago. My mother has since been become more controlling, needy, and demanding. Since I have started placing more strict boundaries on her. Due to my busy, lifestyle and family. Suddenly, everyday something is wrong with her. She has been to every specialist. All her tests have come back negative. She tried to guilt trip me into being her caregiver by telling me everything she has done for me. When I stand up to her, she uses the Bible on me. I’m really starting to question her mental status if it’s headed to dementia. She doesn’t want to change. I recently started to therapy to deal with all the stress she is causing me. When I try to tell her what’s she is doing. She invalidates me and plays the victim. Anyone with any advice for me?
Please look into F.O.G., fear, obligation and guilt. Your mom has done a good job creating lots of FOG for you to navigate through.
Why don't you start reading it yourself and give her tit for tat? For instance "The lord helps those who help themselves"? "You reap what you have sown"?
I just told another OP with a question here today that I personally don't deal with abusive people. That's my own grown- up decision for my own life.
I am 81. I have made it clear to my daughter, now 62, that this is her one life to live and enjoy. I have told her that she has now raised her son, he is through college and out working. Her hubby (who is a year younger than your Mom) is retired and she will retire soon. And this is some of the BEST YEARS OF THEIR LIVES when they are still strong enough to get out there and hike, travel and enjoy their lives free of CARE.
I have made it clear to them that there is to be NO caregiving of me. And in my humble opinion anything else would be selfish and inappropriate.
You have choices to make for your life now. I am very thankful you have a therapist and hope he or she will shake you up enough to try a new path, to move from the habit of an abusive person to beat you about the head.
You are making habitual choices to mind your abuser because that's what you have been taught. I hope this religious zealot has a lot of faith based community to help her. And if not there is always 911 or EMS to call, which is what those without any progeny are left with.
Shame on her, purely and simply. Shame!
I wish you the best and am thankful you are seeking help.
You have done a good job of setting boundaries, but clearly you need to expand them! The Bible is a veritable treasury of things to say, but you could make up a few of your own. Example: “As the prophet Naysayeh said to the devil on the road to Dimsum, ‘Get thee away from me, thou bloodsucking darkness on my soul.” From the Almost Authentic Fawnby Bible Of Hit Them Back In Same, Caregiver Edition.
Your profile says she has a history of depression. Aging decline doesn't help.
On a recent visit to I realized that my 71-year old cousin has the beginnings of dementia (or, something creating dementia-like symptoms). You don't have to be involved but an accurate diagnosis for your Mom would help the both of you.
But if you're not her PoA (and she doesn't have one) and she's uncooperative, there's not much you can do to help her. Your boundaries seem smart and healthy.
What specific advice do you need? Like, whether your boundaries are appropriate? Whether you should help her? I think the most you can choose to do is help her get an accurate diagnosis. If she's on medication, she could be under- or over-dosing herself; she could have a UTI, she could have had a TIA, she could be abusing a substance... all of these things (and more) can produce the symptoms you are describing.
You aren't obligated to do anything. It's totally up to you. We can't choose our family but we can choose how much we interact with them.
My Mom never had to be on her own except for a few days here and there when my Dad had to go away on a business trip. It didn't bother her when I was still living at home. But I noticed it when she became much older. Like, if Dad had to go away for rehab after an illness/surgery. She insisted he have rehab at home. Anything out of the ordinary would worry Mom.
Depending on where you live, are there any senior centers that your Mom could join? Or would she be like my Mom saying that's for old people... my Mom was in her 90's. Does your Mom know how to use a computer? Would she be interested in starting a family tree by joining Ancestry.com? That can keep someone busy for many years, and it is so interesting, very rewarding hobby.
My mother was just like yours. Needy and demanding, and that was BEFORE dementia. Now she's 80 and entering mid-stage dementia and her needy behaviors are ten-fold. Just yesterday, she said if I loved her I would move her to my house and take care of her until she dies, which she says will be really soon. I told her I love her AND my husband AND myself enough to move her to a nice assisted living where she can get round-the-clock care. She said I would take care of my husband at home because I love him more than her. I told her that he and I have agreed to move each other into AL to spare ourselves the stress of trying to manage a sick person at home.
She said "I'm the one that's 80 years old! You can catch up on resting after I die!"
That cinched it.
Listen to your therapist. You live YOUR life, mom lives HER life.
You shouldn't have to state your position more than once if she is cognitively intact. Offer to help her hire an eldercare advisor to sit down and take a look at her finances and her living situation. If she is heading into dementia, the same advisor can give you advice about that.
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