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My dad came home recently after an extended stay at the NH for therapy. By the grace of God a good friend of his decided to move in with for awhile to help out. After spending one night with dad, he asked if he was stubborn and I told him yes, Plus dad only wants to pay him $150 per month! He has been cooking, cleaning and doing jobs around the house. Today the friend told me that it is just to stressful for him ( he has had health issues as well but is able to work). I know dad and he has probably been very demanding etc. All I know is that I will not be forced into a situation I can not handle. His friend being there was a huge help to both of us. Dad was talking about the guy after one day saying he wants too much money. He only asked for $200 per month!

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You can listen if you wish to.
.. Sorry to hear that Dad.
.. That's too bad.
.. Hmm

Usually I say Advice, Let them decide, Consequences are theirs.

But you've advised enough.
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Why on earth is dad back at home??? And are you staying there to help him???? Let HIM figure out this mess HE'S created for himself. Do nothing to facilitate the mistake he made or the insulting amount he wants to pay a helper. Sounds like he's gotten even WORSE than he was before. Let him see and feel what it's like to truly do things independently or he'll never fully understand what he's gotten himself into or what he MUST do to STAY in his home.
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faithfulbeauty Jan 22, 2024
No, I'm not staying with him. I think deep down he fully understands. I just really hate he does not have the live in help anymore. The guy was awesome!
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This man should be being paid $200 a week and thats not even enough. $200 a month works out to $50 a week and if he works 40 hrs thats $1.25 an hour. I made $1.54 an hour on my first f/t job back in 1967.

Do not lift a finger for your Dad. Once you do one thing for him, he will expect more. If he was unsafely discharged, thats on Rehab for sending him home without help. I will bet he told discharge he had someone to care for him and they did not confirm that with the someone. Thats all on them. He lied and now look where he is. Maybe if he treated you and Mom better, you'd be more willing to help. He is self-centered. Only his needs are important. So he made his bed, he lays in it. Maybe after a few days make an anonymous call to APS to do a well check. Don't tell them who ur. Maybe that will get him on their radar.
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faithfulbeauty Jan 22, 2024
I know people who get $500 per week for sitting with the elderly. It is well worth the money and more. Especially when the person is also cooking, cleaning and etc.
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Faithfulbeauty, do not step in. I am in something similar. I had a caregiver come in to help my aunt. They even worked with my aunt and gave her a cheaper rate than what they usually offer. She went along with for about a month or so, then just got rid of caregiver. I flat out told aunt that I will not be coming out and taking care of her when she wants. She's stubborn and flat out told me that I didn't have to. Fine. I haven't been back since.
Now she sits her home, alone in her filth, refusing to go to a facility and refusing caregiving assistance. She can afford it.
There is only so much that we can do.
Tg
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faithfulbeauty Jan 22, 2024
I'm unable to step in. I'm physically and emotionally tired. I think he will realize how much help he needs and you are right, there is only so much we can do and I have reached my limit.
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Don't take part in this.
Don't discuss this with your father or with his friend.
Stay out of this.
Remember, once you enter the circus ring the monkeys are all yours.
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strugglinson Jan 21, 2024
This is a great analogy with the circus!
The basic answer indeed is " dont enter the circus ring"!

The advanced possibility, one I'm still learning and working on, and it varies depending on situation and the parent etc: "it is possible to indirectly help the circus as long as you fully protect yourself and dont get in the ring". You can advise circus management. You can help them manage the circus finances. etc etc. All on your own will and what you are comfortable and able to do without adversely affecting yourself. But dont get dragged into that ring and be the ringleader!
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What to do?

Absolutely nothing
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faithfulbeauty Jan 22, 2024
Lol! I needed this laugh! We all know when we have had enough!
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My advice, step back and let dad see how truly independent he is (not).

He basically spit on a free lunch, he needs to pay the consequences for his actions not you.
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faithfulbeauty Jan 22, 2024
It was a wonderful situation! He will not find anyone else like that!
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I agree with everyone else. He made a mess, now he has to fix it himself. If you run in and clean up after him he will never learn or change. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions and point that out to him bluntly when he demands you fix things.
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faithfulbeauty Jan 22, 2024
I have already had to point it out! I reminded him of all the things his friend was doing in the short time he was there and now when I bring him up, he talks about him in a negative way!
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Do not interfere let your father figure it out.

Sometimes caregivers cannot draw a line in the sand, it is time for you to and stay behind the line.

Your father needs to understand that his bullying does not work. Stay out of it and do not be a crutch to your father by cooking, cleaning and so on.

He is not independent, he will figure it out if you back away,
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Your father made his bed . It’s his problem to fix .
If he wants to be home , he needs to figure out his own care .

Do not help him .
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Sorry your dad left the facility. How did he make that happen?The only solution is for you to stop helping dad altogether so he has to go back into the facility. Now the question is can you do it?
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JoAnn29 Jan 21, 2024
Looks like he was in Rehab "extended stay in facility for therapy". Therapy is over, Medicare won't pay, Dad is competent so sent him home.
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You know what would be a great solution for all of these stubborn people who chase off their help?

If they were able to change places with their caregivers!

I bet if they had to do the work of a hands on caregiver they would see things in a different light, instead of being so cheap and expecting so much from their caregivers.

Since this isn’t going to happen though, there is little that you can do other than listen to your dad complaining. By all means, don’t offer to help him. He will end up trying to take advantage of you.

Sorry that this situation didn’t work out well for your dad and his friend.

I don’t blame his friend for leaving. Sounds like it was a rotten deal for him. It could have been a great deal for your dad had he been appreciative and respectful to his friend.

Now your dad has to pay the consequences for his behavior. He is alone without help.
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faithfulbeauty Jan 23, 2024
I agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They should be able to change places. His friend being there was an awesome deal. If dad had to be a caregiver, he would not do it.
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FB, remember that your dad is a competent adult. Who makes his own choices.

He "runs off the help"? So sad. Too bad. Dad now needs to figure out how to get HIS needs met.

He calls you for help? "No, Dad, I won't be doing that. We spoke about this. I told you no."

Do not go down that path, FB. This is NOT your responsibility.

Await the next crisis that sends him to the ER, hospital admission and rehab. Tell SW it's an unsafe discharge, nobody at home to help and that he fires the help.

Rinse. Repeat
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faithfulbeauty Jan 23, 2024
I'm hoping he does not fall again but I would not be surprised and he will be right back where he was. The SW had already asked a couple of months ago if he would be coming home with me and I said no. Then she asked if I was going to move to his house and I said no.
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No FB, the good friend wasn’t helping you.
He was helping your dad.

That kind of thinking is what gets caregivers into these relentless situations.
If your dad is able to live at home and make all the decisions let him.

If he calls the friend back the friend should tell him the price has gone up.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and just let him do without until he is forced to take action.

I'm sorry you are stressed over this.
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Do not step in. When dad won’t accept help at a reasonable rate and/or is rude to the helper, it’s on him to see his need to do it differently or move to where help is hired to deal with him. You already know you can’t be the solution so don’t start even for a day. I deal with someone who’s unreasonable on a daily basis and well know it’s a complete waste trying to “talk sense” or change their minds. Just back off and let him see the consequences. I’m sorry you’re experiencing this, it’s no fun for sure
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faithfulbeauty Jan 20, 2024
Thank you! The guy was a blessing and truly wanted to help!
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