Advice requested. I don’t know the best way to answer her or how to cope with this.

Hurtbaby girl   Sorry my Post went a bit long but may be something there.will help you. Its hard to  make decisions when grieving your Dad. There is  no way of knowing  what is absolutely right for your mother, but try get whatever support you can in the  facility for yourself as its a responsible decision on your shoulder in the middle of your current grief.  Maybe  Dr can make a plan to manage any adverse outcomes if it does nt go well. 
Does she have a geriatrician who looks after her meds who might advice in aftercare re meds if it affects her wellbeing emotionally or psychologically
Hugs and try a get yourself some sleeps as well, helps  everything. xx

Hurtbabygirl, I;m  so so sorry to hear of you Dads recent passing heartfelt condolences to you in your grief and in the ongoing responsibility of you mothers serious  illness.. It is a hard and emotional time for you Take care, I would say work with your own natural compassion  for your mother, but listen to hospice view too.. We had a similar situation where my mother had mild  fluctuating to moderate dementia  being cared for in her family  home for 4 yrs with my father and family. My father who was in good health was in hospital having medical investigations and suddenly was on hospice care with medical treatment withdrawn without  he or family  being informed of situation- very poor medical team.  All very upsetting and confusing for him and family. We managed to get him home for his final 6  days with hospice care which was his wish. He was aware but barely responsive and my mother was in disbelief, we had no preparation to how to handle it , we  told her that  Dad was seriously ill & unlikely to get better but did nt quite say he was dying. She thought he would get better in time now that he was at home but she spent lovely time with him, holding his hand and talking to the hospice nurse about dancing and what a gentleman he was. Saying at other  times he was nt her beloved but was another nice man with the same name, when he looked very sick, but she would help this poor man. It was a coping way and we let herwork it out with hospice overview. She was so peaceful, stroking his cheek and relieved that he was out of the horrible ward where she had visted him . They were together for those 6 days on and off and much of their communication was non verbal. My Dad knew she was there. When he passed, hospice nurse said to tell my mother but she might not take in the death but if  if it  became a repitive distressing  question with memory loss  to ask Dr to prescribe a small dose of a med called Serenase which helps the mind get out of a loop asking same question if forgotten . Family did not want her to go any part of  the  funeral but home team advised some part would help her acknowledge   the death., lot of family had differing opinions so in the end  she did nt take part, But she also grieved for being left out ;as it made it  unreal, also wondering what kind of wife she was  for not attending ,   We so wonderfully  had my mother with her dementia and copd for a further 7 months in home care,  as we were so let down by hospital no on wanted her to go there if at all possible. Initially she questioned about  Dads death  intellectually as the sudden death did nt sound right as (she was right about that) & felt I had not told her the truth and could nt believe she did not  go to her husbands funeral & ,was a bad wife. We talked a lot and very honestly  and that helped her. She had a few good months out and about on her walker visting  and having coffees questioning it all in her mind but not too emotional.  Then the  impact hit her and she cried  deeply and  inconsolably  feeling the pain of her loss. Her sister told me she was never able to cry with grief before even with her parents & sibling passing . They said  it must be a big relief for her  to be able to cry as so  often she could nt. She knew Dad  was now  gone t  " her  great  protector " through their yrs of marriage and there was no confusion. She developed pneumonia once the grief and inconsolable grief started to flow. It was heart breaking but she was able to process and release .for someone who kept all in before she died. It was painful and we were blessed to have the most empathic and kind  home carers calling who brought in great love and were able to support her and us  with compassionate kindness and lot s of hugs and warmth to help her through her grief sadness, guilt , despair  and reached a sense of peace before she passed 7 months later at home with us.. She got the chance to grief the husband she loved so much and was ready to leave herself then.

My Mother is 88 yrs old and very forgetful. There would be time she asks where is my father and I’ll be truthful about it that he passed away several years ago. She accepted my answer.

She needs to know.  Tell her that at the time, it wasn't a good time to tell her, but now things have changed, so now you are telling her.  She is asking, she has a right to know, and she probably suspects something anyway.  They were a couple at one time, and the longer people live together, the more in sync they become, so she knows.  Just verify it with her.

I live in Colorado and I moved my dad here from Oklahoma. The person he asked about was his Mom. Grandma died in 1960 at a time that my dad did not have dementia. I just said she was in Tulsa and that satisfied him because she died that is where she lived. I did not lie because she was buried along with her husband at Memorial Cementary. I could always remember what I told him. I did not elaborate because he would have heard the difference one might tell him she was dead. Tell as much truth as you can.

Very hard on you so early in your grief. I kept to the truth however many times I had to repeat it. But then I hadn’t been advised not to. I think you’ve been given some excellent suggestions re asking your mum and that seems the kindest way to go forward now. Remember to be kind to yourself too - that’s just as important,

A person with Dementia may not understand what "he died" really means. She would recognize the words but perhaps not their signifigance. Let your mother's degree of dementia help influence how you answer. I really liked the advice about asking your mother a question like "Where do you suppose he could be?". Her answer could give you a clue to her awareness and her immediate concerns.

IMHO, she has a right to know that he passed.

You've had a lot of great answers, and as you see, there are several viewpoints on this question. So much depends on how your mom is, and where she is in her journey of needing 'memory care.'

In general, people who can maintain a coherent conversation for more than a few minutes, know what season of the year it is, and recognize family members even when they don't visit often ... can probably be told about the death of a spouse. And probably they should be told, once or perhaps twice. Don't be surprised if it comes as brand new information the second time.

On the one hand, she'll be upset at the loss, but grieving is natural and to some extent necessary (even though painful for others to witness). In addition, the fact that you are grieving the loss of your father will not escape her notice -- even though she might not recognize that what she's witnessing is grief, or see that it's about your dad.

On the other hand, she probably doesn't need to go through the initial shock and pain more than a couple of times.

What has worked best in the facility where I worked and without my hospice patients who have a dementia diagnosis: Don't lie, but don't tell the unvarnished and painful truth either. Ask a question instead.

"What do you think is happening?" or "Where do you think he could be?" are great answers when she asks where he is, or why he hasn't come to see her, or how he's doing in the SNF. Be careful about your tone, though -- not "What do YOU think!?" the way kids ask each other when they want to make the other kid feel bad. But more like 'hmm, I don't know for sure, what sounds likely to you?'

Sometimes the person with Alzheimers or another dementia will surprise us. "Oh, he's probably dead and I just didn't remember" was an answer one lady gave often, right after saying something like "I can't imagine why my husband hasn't come to see me."

Remember, too, that in your own grieving process you may not be able to be as clear about your mom as you are used to being. Give both of you some slack and don't worry too much about getting this 'right.'

Love and hugs if you want them.

--Maggie

People may disagree with me on this but if it were me, I would want to know where my husband is and what happened to him. Your mom married the man and lived with him, sharing ups and downs, raising a family and growing old together. They both were aware that the end was not far away and many couples that spend their lives together pass soon after one goes.
It's all a heartbreaking part of life. Your mom may not want to continue a life without her husband or she might have the fortitude to begin a new chapter after she has the chance to mourn and pay her respects to his memory. That is really not your choice to make for her. The truth may hurt but I feel she needs to know that her husband is no longer with us. Not knowing and being left to wonder why he doesn't come to see her is far crueler than being honest and supportive and allowing her to grieve for him.

Your questions touch my heart, as I experience these issues every day, too. I am so sorry for your loss and that your mom is so lost.

I do agree that telling her will likely hurt her a lot, and she will grieve, at least for a while. And then she'll forget and ask again, probably, where he is.

I know this because my brother died in 2014 -- and Mom was right there when he died. They had lived together more than 40 years, after my father got very ill in the mid-1970s and then died. But, my mother kept asking how Jim was doing -- and so I told her that he had died. She was shocked and hurt that she did not even remember.

But then, a few days later, she forgot. When, she asked about him again, I told her he was doing fine, that he wished he could see her, but that he could not travel. She is satisfied with that.

We have put up pictures of our family -- my brother and sister, and Mom and Dad together many years ago, and pics of family gatherings and the grandchildren and great-grandchildren. She loves these pictures and we can still reminisce with her about her childhood and early years during WW II. But, we try to stick with positive news.

Really, it is up to you. Do what your heart tells you to do.

My motto these days: Be kind, and be brave.

Pray TELL! Your responsibility is to tell her. As a wife, she at least deserves to know and grieve. Who are you to deny that? You will have to remove yourself from the equation and do what’s right! If she decides to follow him, then it’s her choice. By not telling, you are denying her. Leave the consequences to the power above.

I can advice only from my experience. When my dad passed my mother accepted his death quite well. She was involved with the planning of his funeral and attended his funeral. My mother would sometimes forget, and I would remind her as gently as possible, that dad died. He is at peace with God. My mother is a religious woman, and her faith has helped her through many trials and tribulations during her lifetime. I still to this day tell her the truth about everything. Her son, my brother passed away three years ago and I remind her occasionally of his death. She also went to his funeral and handled it very well, and if she gets upset, that is ok, it is part of life. I was always truthful to my mom and I will continue to be truthful to the end. Hospice is not always right, you know. You know your mom better than any outsider. Why not make your own decision about your mom, and be content with that decision.

I can sympathize with you, it's a tough one. My uncle passed away and my grandmother, who had dementia, would ask where he was, why he hadn't visited. In the beginning I thought being honest was best. I told her three times and each time, the impact of sudden loss, panic, pain... After the 3rd time, I vowed never again. I told her he was out of town. It worked.
For the care giver, we want to be honest, treat with dignity and keep them, even for ourselves, a little bit connected. For the victim of Dementia/ ALZ, it's hearing the dreadful news for the first time and it hurts.
Mu suggestion is not to tell her. The kindest thing to do is protect her from emotional pain, including the death of her husband. She is in no state of mind to accept and process. I hope this helps, I know it's hard for you to hear her ask where is he, and it's a heartbreaking moment, but hang in there. Time does help for you, and for her, in this case, luckily, she doesn't have to remember and carry her grief.

There are many good answers posted. My own inclination would be to speak the truth. Have the pastor and maybe the doctor present. Consider presenting her with a momento that was your dad's, or that had special meaning for them. If after a few days it doesn't seem to sink in, use one of the other many strategies mentioned. You then have tried to have a conversation. Good luck, my sympathy to you and your mom.

I'm sure as caregivers, we all understand the importance of "validation" it's a process of active listening, remaining in the moment and attentively responding to the need accordingly. Under the circumstances mentioned, it is imperative to remember that "decision-making" can be difficult and personal reflection as well as professional advisement is necessary. Emotionally, this can be more heart-felt for family caregivers. Moreover, professionals in this particular field can built-rapport with patients, relate to both sides of the situation due to prior experiences/observations as they work. It will at most times, come to the best interest of the person's well-being, considering how it will effect them from a holistic point of view. As a caregiver experiencing the process of "Grieving" it can take years to be fully at peace, so communication, self care and using the resources for support is beneficial as far as "endurance" in this journey of care. Prayers and blessing to you.

We all have different reality filters. I've noticed that the kids tend to project their values on to their parents, rather than remember what the actual stance of the parent is. Regardless of state of mind, I personally would certainly want to know where and how my husband is... and if he died while I was incapacitated, when I was aware enough to ask, I'd prefer an honest answer, even if it's horrible news.

I would tell her when the doctor, in writing, says she can go home, then it will be considered, until then she cannot go home, you will let her know when you get the letter. As far as telling her about your father's death, I would just say that he is living somewhere else due to his health issues.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Don't forget to be kind to yourself, which sometimes just has to mean doing what you can reasonably cope with rather than meeting some impossible standard of ethical perfection - especially when there isn't a right answer that will satisfy everyone.

A bit of a rewind: did your father visit your mother in the memory care unit before he was admitted to the SNF? What order did things happen in? I ask so as to understand what kind of routine your mother is used to, and what layers of memory might still be accessible to her. Was she aware that your father wasn't well? - Come to that, was his passing away expected by anyone?

And, how long had they had to live in separate places before she took to her bed and he was admitted to the SNF?

Starting at the default position: a wife has a right to know where her husband is, including if he has passed away. A wife with dementia has not lost that right. It is just very much harder to gauge what information she can handle and how to help her handle it.

Whatever conclusion you come to about what to tell her, how, in what way, and when, and how many times if need be (again, I'm so sorry for your situation) - I repeat, Be Kind To Yourself. It is all right to be upset in front of your mother, that is only appropriate. It is all right for your mother to be upset about losing her husband, that is appropriate too.

I think the best and kindest way is to say something like he is visiting a friend or is out playing golf, etc. It will pass if you say something lightly about where he is, or he is working, whatever. Then redirect. Telling her will either make her horribly upset and do harm or cause total denial or otherwise have a negative effect. Once she has been redirected and given some light answer, she will move onto the next topic. This is normal and will always continue. What you say really isn't sinking in. Do NOT feel guilty or upset - it is the kindest way to tell her. She has no sense of time. I have seen this done time and time again with people and it seems to work. Listen to her experts - they have experience with this.

Hurtbabygirl-I just want to offer my complete empathy with what you are dealing with as I experienced something very similar and there is truly no perfect answer as each situation is sensitive and extremely difficult. I think based on your mother outlook would be a factor. In my case, my mother was in palliative hospice (meaning she was being treated for an incurable illness but timing was really unknown - major roller coaster of emotions). While she was in a brief stay at the facility (she would go in for a week at a time to regulate medicine when pain increased to find the right dosage - no more or less than required to manage). At the same time my step father of 25 years (my dad passed when I was a child) developed some foot numbness. I convinced him to get that checked out while I was in town and mom was being cared for. It was determined that he needed minor surgery to open a clot below his knee so was hospitalized. Surgery went great and they decided to keep him a few nights as hurricane Irma was moving through Florida and they knew his situation at home with limited caretakers. I struggled between who to spend my time with but since moms situation was more serious and I have always been extremely close to her, I stayed by her bedside until they told family we may have to leave to make room for other hospice patients in facilities near water. My wife called and pleaded with me to go home for that weekend (had relocated for work in Alabama) as she feared devastation. With much resistance and heart break, I secured their house and left. In a sudden turn of events and the night before my step dad was being released, he called at about 11 pm saying he thought he might be dying and the nurse took the phone and said they were doing all the could. A few minutes later the doctor called and said he passed. To this day we don't have all the answers as they said there was a clot in his stomach and records that I studied showed he had been asking for help since early that morning due to sudden pain. I will forever live with guilt of leaving. My three siblings insisted I be the one to tell mom and it took a few days to get back due to impact on the state and airports were closed. One of the hardest and scariest things I have done is to tell my dear mom as she laid so helpless that her husband had passed with no warning of this coming (simple surgery). I feared she would have a heart attack or give up right there. We had a pastor with us and it was awful but we pulled through. She kept wanting to see him but never had the strength to go so let me say good bye on her behalf and make the arrangements. Quite some time later I was checking her messages at her house and she had left several to him asking why he hadn't come to see her so we were unaware that she was looking for him as she assumed he had been released from the hospital (this was before she knew). In our case and not having any timeline of what to expect for mom, we had to tell her as she would continue to think he abandoned her as she was still in an awareness state of mind. We lost my mom 8 months later and my heart is as broken as day one so I hope and pray to move forward one day with finding peace and realizing the blessings still around me. All of this just compounded an already overwhelming situation. I am sorry for the long post but just wanted you to know that you are certainly not alone.

Tell her about her husband. My mother was in a rest home with loss of memory and generally bedridden. My father lived with us and visited her as often as he could, several times a week: the NH was only in the next town over. They had been together married for sixty four years. They spent time together with my Dad doing most of the talking, but unfortunately for him he was quite deaf, and when my mother ventured to say one or two words he missed them and would ask her to repeat what she said, which she never did. This went on for a few years, Then my father died suddenly while visiting my sister in the next state. I wondered at the time whether I should tell her, as you seem to be wondering, but decided that because they were so close in life she really ought to know regardless of the emotional consequences. So I told my mother a few weeks later and she stopped eating for a week, but then resumed as she had been, and lived for 1- 1/2 years more. I believe she understood what I told her about him passing. I don't think that my telling her really changed anything for her as I would visit her at least once a week. She must have missed him, but never showed it.

I absolutely disagree with not telling her. She still has rights and you deserve to grieve properly. While there is no perfect solution, you need to do what feels right in your heart. No one can make that decision for you. Personally, I know from experience, things are not as bad as we conjure up in our mind. It's usually a relief to get it out. And I have found that most often there are blessings that come out of it that we didn't expect and could have missed out on. You have more courage and strength than you know to handle whatever comes. I wish you the best and pray for a peaceful resolve to the situation. Blessings!

I love Lymie's answer: "He's not able to visit anymore, remember but he is being well cared for and isn't in any pain, he misses you and sends his love."

At this point I would continue to redirect her or tell her little white lies. My mother was pretty far along in her Alzheimer’s progression when my father died, but she was still living at home with him. Even though she was there every day, including paths funeral, she could not remember that he had been sick for weeks before he died, and she forgot that he had died. She asked for him constantly, asking why no one told her that he had been sick. We finally realized that she was not going to be able to process this new information. She got very upset every time we told her the truth; it was heartbreaking to see her grieve over and over. So we stopped telling and started redirecting her if we could. If redirection did not help, we said that Dad was at work, at the grocery store, or at the farm. She was satisfied most of the time and eventually stopped asking.

We were told to tell them once. So they can only relive the hurt and dis pare once. Don't keep telling them so the will relive the pain of their husbands death over and over. In our case only a few minutes or hours. we just go with the flow. Sometimes we say he's gone to work, out in the barn, gone to the casino. Just flow with the conversation. We probably would have lost her if she really knew where he is at and where she is at. She needs 24/7 care and we were spending over 11,000 a month at home, so now in Memory care home.

Might your mother's dementia prevent her from really understanding what it meant that her husband had died? Does she still think he is "at home," with home perhaps representing her life when she remembered things better If you told her her husband had died, would she remember that the next day? It would not be good to jeopardize your mother's waning ability to cope with her own situation, but it must feel devious to avoid answering her directly.

Be patient with yourself, too. You are grieving your father's death plus dealing with your mother's dementia. You must be emotionally drained.

My condolences on the passing of your dad. And on the daily loss of your mom as the disease progresses. It is such a rough time for you. Hugs to you.

When Mom reached the stage of not remembering Dad, it was heart wrenching yet a relief. She was no longer inconsolable about his passing. Then one day out of the blue she asked about him, wondering why he wasn’t with her or she hadn’t seen him. She was crying & asked me if he left her because “of the way I am now”. My heart broke because for the 70+ years they were together they were always “my gal” and “my fella”. I assured her that was not the case, he passed on and now was getting things ready for when she joined him. The relief was instant; she stopped crying & got the most beautiful smile on her face. For the next few years, she remembered less & less about anything. Yet, that stayed with her, giving her comfort. She would point to their wedding picture, saying she would join him when he had everything ready.

Very hard choice, but I would follow the advice of the facility and redirect her. If she is going through a temporary improvement she will stop asking, and even if she remains at current abilities, redirecting may stop the questions. Good luck with finding a good solution for you all.

I’m so sorry. It’s heartbreaking to read this. I don’t have experience with anything like this but I still wanted to offer support. Others have given useful advice.

I am glad she is getting around a little and eating a little too.

If AL is saying not to tell her about your dad then I wouldn’t. They spend enough time with her to see her patterns. Are you speaking with her nurse or social worker? I suppose they will keep you informed on her behavior. You can update them too.

I hope you find helpful solutions and you can gain some peace in a difficult situation.