Advice seems so easy!
My mother moved into a IL near me. The plan was for her to enjoy the opportunities the place had and move to AL when the time came. She is starting the dementia process and all that goes with it. She was close enough I could visit and help as needed. After a few weeks she decided she hated it and moved in with me. I had no intentions of her moving in with me. She is not an easy person and I knew it would be a nightmare. Somehow it just happened and now she is living with me. Now I am the blunt of her anger, pride, depression, AND she blames me for the whole situation.
I have tried taking her to other places, hoping she would be willing to try them out. But that doesn’t go over well.
Many people respond with “get them out, put them in a SNF, your life and family matter more……ect. HOW do you just “get them out”? HOW do you deal with kicking your parent out of your home?
my mother was never the loving kind, always more worried about herself. So there is not a lot of warm feelings towards her. But she is my mother and I am afraid I will be stuck in this situation for a very long time.
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you have to get out of the mindset that you still have a parent child relationship. Or you have to realize you are the parent now. Would you let your children run your life even though you knew it was wrong?
your are right, it is difficult to get them back out of your house which is why you don’t move them in to start.
I would see an Elder Law attorney about the least damaging way to get her out of your space.
I think it's past time to tell her you were happy to help out temporarily while she looked for a new home but it's getting old and you want your life back, and set a firm end date. Do everything possible to help find her new home and arrange the move.
Otherwise you may be stuck until she’s worse like she can’t stay alone, can’t wash herself etc , Then when she ends up in the ER with a fall or something , you tell them you can’t take care of her anymore and that she can’t be alone . Then the social worker gets involved at the hospital and may try to pressure you to take mom home . And you say “ it’s an unsafe discharge and I can’t take care of her and can’t take her home “. Then they will place her in a facility . Have assisted living and/or memory care places picked out.
This only works though when Mom needs considerable help with things and/ or she’s too confused to be left home alone ever in order for you to go anywhere .
You may be stuck for awhile . Welcome to the “ waiting for mom to fall club”. When she falls, don’t pick her up . Call the ambulance to take her to the ER . Or maybe she will end up in the ER for another reason . And go from there trying to get her placed in a facility like I said. Sometimes it takes more than one time. On your request they will evaluate her cognitive status , hopefully they will say she can’t be alone and needs 24/7 supervision , that’s when you say you can’t do that . You tell them you work or whatever and Mom can’t be alone and she needs to be placed in a facilty .
I’m sorry you are in this terrible situation .
You probably thought you had no other choice because your mom insisted on leaving IL. She guilted you into taking her home with you.
Don’t let her continue to rule you . From now on until you get her out , It’s your house , your rules. Her problems are from aging , they are not your fault . You tell her that when she blames you . If she doesn’t like your rules , you tell her she needs to go live somewhere else . Make it so she wants to move out . Has she seen the doctor lately ? Is she in any meds for her mood ?
"...SHE decided she hated it and moved in with me...."
Did she go to the office and start the process of moving out, pack her own belongings up, bring them all to her car or truck, load the vehicle, go to the post office and complete a change of address, drive to your house, unload the vehicle and bring everything in and arrange her room....with no help from you?!
YOU have to own this as much as she does.
You allowed her to move in.
Now you have to tell her that she has to return to where she was. The BIG difference now is that instead of IL or AL you move her into Memory Care so that she can not pack her belongings, load her car and move back.
"My parents have only been with me since March of this year. Seems like a life time. It is getting better in some areas, but my father is starting to show sundowners. They both are schedule for neuropsych eval but not able to get in till October.
I have 3 siblings and no one will take them, mainly due to the emotional strains my parents are. I am learning daily how to control my emotions and walk away. I am not POA, but at this stage I don’t see the need. I will address that when things are a little more settled. My sister is going to see if they can take my parents for a few months at a time, so we can get a break."
I'm still not understanding why you took them in. And your sister is telling your father how much to pay you? Is this the same sister who is going to see if they (who is "they"?) can take your parents for a few months at a time? How's that going? Do you really think anyone is going to take your parents off your hands?
When did your mother live in IL? Was your father with her there?
See an elder care attorney for the best way to move her back to her facility. Your mom may make trouble and blame you for something which isn't true. That's why you need to see an attorney to cover yourself.
Meanwhile, you have to accept that you allowed her in. I had to learn the hard way to set boundaries with people who like to take from me and don't care how they mess up your life in the process. Unfortunately, mom will take advantage over and over until you set those boundaries.
And this is where it ends up.
Your plea "but HOW" (to get mom to leave) is the problem. Once you take in an elder he/she is "home". The instant mail shows up in your mail box for them they are legally (in most areas) a tenant, whether they pay rent or not.
Most in your situation have not gone to an elder law attorney with the parent to work out shared living cost contracts. Nor have they negotiated when the shared living situation will be re-evaluated as to whether it is currently working for both parties.
It's no comfort to you that you serve as an example to others, and I so wish I had a magic wand here. The only advice I can offer is that you must now sit mom down with you and family and explain that having her in your home is not working for you; that you do not intend to have her live with you, that you expect her to vacate your premises by (give the date), and that you will assist her with finding ALF or other facility.
This will all be complicated if you are currently her POA, but if you are not it may be too late for her to assign you dependent on the level of her dementia. You may need to consult with a LSW in private practice or with an elder law attorney if your mom isn't cooperative in placement plans.
I am so very sorry you are going through this. I so hope others have advice that can be more helpful than my own. I hope you will update us as you move forward to free your life from a situation that may ultimately only get worse.
again, thanks for the kind words
You do the opposite of what you did when you moved her in. You will also feel the opposite of what you felt when you moved her in.
You dislike her living with you. On the other hand, you also dislike having to tell her that you want her to move out.
You have to decide which situation you dislike more. Then, which one you have the strength and courage to deal with.
I can tell you this. Once you broach the subject and break the ice, and face her anger, which is the hardest part, the rest will be less difficult.
Here are some suggestions of what to say to broach the subject of her moving out.
"Mother, we need to talk."
"I love you but I hate living with you."
" I must have my own space and privacy and time to myself."
"I don't mind helping and taking care of you, but I can't do it much longer."
"I need my life back."
"You need your own place."
"I am miserable living like this."
"I know you will hate me for this, but I must have my own space back."
"If we lived in the same house much longer, I'd go mad."
I hope some of the above lines help you.
How did Mom end up in your home? Why could she not have just transferred to the AL or even Memory Care. Did she say I want to come back to ur house and you said OK? I so wish u had found us before you agreed to take Mom home with you. We would have said don't do it. If she didn't like it, oh well can't live with me either so onto AL. I know, hard to deal with someone with Dementia and that is why you need a POA. To take over when Mom can no longer make informed decisions. Its a tool that u use when needed.
Now its getting Mom out of ur home. You may need to do what my Uncles grandson did, just take her. I would say Memory Care depending on how her Dementia has progressed, You get the room all set up, warn the staff there maybe a problem, and then take her. Make sure she is situated in her room, give her a hug and kiss and let the Staff take over. Maybe not visit for a day or two. And when u do, short visits and if she gets upset leave.
I know a woman who was POA for her friend. The friend would not see a doctor, was aggressive, etc. She found a MC that was willing to help get her friend there. Its owned by 3 doctors so that mean she would get the care she needed.
Its no longer what Mom wants but what she needs. She needs to be safe somewhere other than your home. When the time comes that we are dependent on others, we don't always have choices and need to go with the flow.
AL should not be a choice at this point, and isn't a matter of "kicking mom out" but explaining you made a spur of the moment decision based on emotions which was a mistake and now needs to be remedied. Kicking her out means you'd make her homeless, not send her back to a high priced AL. I'd nix the IL now since dementia requires a lot more services available to her than you may realize.
Make decisions and choices based on ALL the lives that are affected by your parents issues. Everyone has to suffer with the consequences so make sure you take that fact into account. If it were me, I'd give mom 30 days to get moved back into managed care. You'll only be stuck in this situation for as long as you allow yourself to be. She doesn't have to be deliriously happy in AL, just safe, fed, socialized, and out of your hair. Adult children don't always realize it's not our job to be our parents entertainment committee and retirement plan for old age.
I was taught to stand up for myself by my mother--by observing how she set limits with HER mother.
I get that not everyone had this instruction.
Can we guide you better?
There is some good advice on this thread if you can get past the “ should not have done that “ . We can get a bit overzealous sometimes when we see a caregiver being taken advantage of by an elderly parent . Many have been in your shoes where a parent was able to manipulate the situation .
Yes, she’s your mother. But you matter too . Mom needs to be where she will get her needs met . You need to be able to live in peace as much as possible . None of this is easy because mom may never be happy , and may continue to blame you .
When I asked my first few questions here, I was surprised at a few rough answers that pointed out where I was being naive . I got passed the “kick in the pants” feeling and focused on the good advice and it help ALOT.
I decided I was sensitive because of my situation at the time and it was more important to find solutions to problems than to cherry pick a sentence here or there that hit a nerve . Sometimes an unexpected truth being pointed out hits a nerve .
Even some of the ones that were a bit rough , had some of the best advice . I hope you stick around .
Do you have DPOA and if so is it activated? If so, you can decide where she is going and when and get all the paperwork done without her knowledge. I gave my mom 2 days notice that she was moving. The next morning her caregiver came and my hubby and I set up her AL apartment and the next morning I brought her over, got her settled and left. None of this was done in an angry fashion but just in a matter of fact "this is the way it is" type of manner.
You don't have to give her a bunch of reasons or point out all her shortcomings as the reasons for her going back into AL. Just tell her something simple and rather vague like "sorry mom but this is just not working out for me". Call a few AL facilities that you think are good and see what the availability is. Don't tell your mom until it is very close to move in day or you will be subjected to more negativity and complaining.
Best of luck.
If she is going to be living in an assisted living facility make sure that she is aware all of the amenities.
Tell her that you will visit her as often as you can and that she will have a staff to care for her needs.
Best wishes to you and your mom.
I tried to get him into an AL but they won’t accept him due to his need for diabetic management & having a subpubic catheter. The MCs won’t accept him because he doesn’t have dementia of any kind. The SNFs will take him, but for $15k a month in a shared room & a horrifying lack of care.
Any decent Board & Care home (that’s not an obvious get rich quick real estate scam) have wait lists from several months to over a year. And now my dad refuses to grant me POA because I want (need) to put in a different living situation.
It is true that Nursing Homes (of all types) are not really in the business of providing care. They are in the business of obtaining family savings with assistance from the government. But they can have the money if it frees me from the hell my father has trapped me in.
Being forced into caregiving for my father has completely destroyed my life in every aspect possible. I now refuse to live with him. Being homeless is better than being with him. He has put me through unbelievable trauma & has become downright disgustingly mean. If I could walk away, I would… someday I just might.
I think it may very well be the only option those of us dealing with uncooperative, manipulative, and cruelly selfish elderly face - To walk away. After all, in many situations if the shoe were on the other foot, we would be abandoned by them without any second thoughts.