I'm concerned about many things! I am 25 years old and due to family pressures, I have decided to quit my job and will become my grandmother's caregiver when she is discharged from the hospital. I don't regret this decision, but at the same time, I'm scared about the future and am already stressed about what my responsibilities will be. I have recently graduated college with a degree in criminal justice and forensic chemistry. I have been unable to find full-time work, so it was decided that it would be best if I put the job searching on hold and take care of my grandmother.
I am happy to help my grandmother; she has always been a support to me and I feel like this is the right thing to do. However, we are both stubborn women and my grandmother can be rather difficult when it comes to someone impeding on her sense of independence.
My grandmother has suffered multiple strokes and has lost much of her functionality in her left side. She has made poor health choices in the past and insists on still being just as independent as she was before experiencing her serious medical problems. It is not safe for her to be by herself anymore, as she is prone to choking episodes (she has issues swallowing), has trouble walking, is prone to falls, and is generally just weaker and has less stamina than what she used to have.
Honestly, I'm scared about this transition in my life from becoming college student to caregiver of an elderly woman. There are times when I feel selfish and feel like "I'm still so young, I should be living my life, not taking care of someone!", but at the same time, I am glad that I can be able to help my family and that my grandma trusts me enough to take care of her. I know that this is probably stressful to her as well! I don't want her to feel like she's lost her independence. While in the hospital, she did have a small bout of depression, which I totally understand, and I would like to help her and make sure she doesn't feel helpless or hopeless.
Is there any advice out there that can help me know what to expect and how to manage stress for the both of us? I'd really appreciate it!
I just want to commend you for wanting to take care of your grandmother. You are such a dear to be willing to do this for her. I encourage you to not give up your life for her no matter how much you love her. As one of the previous comments stated, you will eventually grow resentful for the time that you had to give up in order to care for her. I love my mother dearly, but it has taken a toll on me and my family. I am 50 years old and have lived my life, you on the other hand are way to young to be providing full-time care for an elderly family member. There are many other ways in which you can show your grandmother that you love her. Trust me the best way that you can do this is to be there for her in other ways, not as a round the clock caregiver. I hope that I don't sound negative, I just do not want to see such a young lady get tied down like this. As I mentioned, we all love our family members, but this type of care takes a toll on you physically, and mentally. You have to litterally put your life on hold for them and you are just too young and have your whole life to live. Again, I am so impressed by your desire to do this for your loved one, but trust me when I say you will regret this. Isn't there other older members of your family that can help you out? I wish you and your grandmother all the best. I hope that all this made sense to you, and if you do still choose to be caregiver, please promise that you will ASK FOR HELP from others, and not do this ALONE. God bless you both.
More than 5 years ago she started depending on me just to be here for company. Then 5 years ago she had a stroke. She is mobile with little problem. She has trouble communicating with close family getting her words jumbled and sometimes has a topic in her head and stays on it for awhile. She has been in the hospital multiple times with pneumonia and we didn't think she would make it home. She did everything for her daughter up until about a year ago. There have been MANY times I have felt trapped.
My mother is unable to help my father with caretaking of them. My uncle has had a bout of cancer which ties up his wife. My aunt lives and still works several states away. My cousin who did help with them while I worked outside the home injured her shoulder and can no longer lift. So that leaves me and the two ladies who come part time while I still work outside the home. Many times have felt I leave that job and come to the job at home. Don't get me wrong I dearly love my grandmother and aunt. It just gets to be a little much sometimes.
If you decide to go through with this please, please make sure your family knows: 1. you love your grandmother but you will continue looking for a job. 2. someone will need to step up and cover for you when you want time off. Don't tie yourself down like I did. If you take time off it will help you tremendously.
3. Don't beat yourself up if you get angry. Go to another room. Call the family for help. Call the family and vent. (My parents will probably never ask me to take care of them.) 4. Don't depend on anyone to pick up the phone one day and say "I'd like to come over and stay so you can have a day off". At least it hasn't happened to me yet.
I cannot tell you how hard it is to work a full time job, try to buy a house with a fiance who wants kids in the next few years WHILE trying to take care of an elderly person I don't even life with!!
You're not even working. Where's the money coming from to help take care of her? I'm tired of my grandmother blow away her money while I'm trying to budget for bills. She's only getting paid social security. I can't dish out my own money to help her. Not while saving to put 25% down on a mortgage, and then save for a wedding afterwards.
I'm done. I'm dropping everything and applying for a retirement home for her. There is NO way to juggle the beginnings of your own life while helping someone through the end of theirs. It sounds selfish, but that's the truth. I've been helping my grandma since I was ..I don't know, 20? So...there you go.
It is not that they don't understand how you feel. It is that they don't want to hear it. In other words to your family, your own feelings don't matter and that is pathetic. You need some healthy boundaries to protect yourself.
Why can't your mother take care of her mother or make sure she is cared for. Is this a set up for you to take care of her once her mother dies and she is old. I don't see any end in sight for this if you go along with it.
You are not their "little girl" anymore. You are a grown woman with a college degree and a future. Stand up for yourself. So what it might cause some hurt feelings. They sure don't care about you feelings do they?
What if you had finished school and taken a great job in Alaska or Japan or England? Then what would they do? The fact is you are not their only option, and if you weren't available they would be forced to find a more appropriate solution. They are behaving badly and you are enabling that.
I have 3 granddaughters your age (twins and a cousin) and I would be absolutely appalled if anyone expected, let alone pressured, them to take care of an elder full time. They are all working. None of them has found her career job yet. One has a serious boyfriend. One is going to graduate school. In other words they are all doing what they should be doing at age 25.
And if you are caving in to the pressure against your better judgment now, I think that handling a stubborn elder with a fierce sense of independence is going to be an absolute misery for you.
I am sincerely glad that your grandmother has been supportive of you. I'm glad you love her. I have been supportive of my granddaughters, too, and we love each other. So I would never ask them to give up their youth. What your family is expecting of you is outrageous.
You don't need to explain this to them any more than you already have. You don't need to convince them how you feel. You are entitled to make your own decisions about your life. Another solution is never going to be figured out. They have a solution that suits them perfectly. So set a deadline for how long you'll do this, or resign yourself to doing it indefinitely.
I'll quit advising now, because I know you feel you have to do this. I don't know if it is because you are concerned they will be mad or if you feel obligated. I do think we are all obligated to help, but not to sacrifice your life at such an early age. There are too many other options. Maybe you can get a social worker in to see what options are available, since there is not a lot of money. These workers know about things that most are not aware of. And don't be afraid to try outside help. For every one apple with a worm, there are ten good ones.
Have your family read all of these posts. Take care of yourself. God bless!
I definitely do have a lot of think about.
Unfortunately, my family is dead set on doing this, even though I have expressed many of the same concerns you all have. One family member is opportunistic; she's only helping out because she wants to look good. She's been less and less helpful each day and I know she will eventually stop. My mom has been awesome, and she has said that she will help as well, so that I can have some time to myself and still go out and be 25. My other aunt lives father away and doesn't have a car and therefore can't be expected to help as much.
We've come to an agreement that I should be paid. All I ask is that it's enough for my student loans to be covered and then some, which shouldn't be hard to do.
Unfortunately, there isn't much support for someone outside of the family coming in to be a care provider, even at least part time. We don't have any therapists (physical and other) lined up at the moment. The hospital dropped the ball on that last time my grandmother had a stroke and always "forgot" to send someone out when we set up appointments. My family doesn't have much faith in outside sources of care, which is frustrating because I believe that they should explore their options.
It's been rather frustrating because I feel like they are being a bit unfair, but they don't think so. It's difficult to talk to them. Deep down, I know that I shouldn't be doing this, but at the same time, I'm probably the best one at the moment who can, being that the others have chosen their lives are more important. The only other person who could technically be able to do it (she has the time, she doesn't work, etc) is a bit of an issue though. She has stolen from my grandmother in the past and has not shown the slightest bit of concern of what's been happening. She hasn't even visited my grandma while she's been in the hospital. I don't want to trust my grandmother's care to that person.
I have told them today, however, that I do not want this to be a permanent thing. That I should have the chance to live out my life for a while and find a full time job and have my shot at "the real world" and that it's not fair for the youngest person in my family to be doing this, when there are adults who should be handling this. No one seems to be listening and all they've been saying is "It's so wonderful that you're doing this for us!".... I don't think they understand how I feel, even though I've tried to explain it to them.
I agree with what everyone here has been saying. I truly do. It's just that I'm stuck in this for the time being until another (better) solution is figured out.
Thank you everyone for what's been said. I'm glad that you all have been honest to a stranger and have show so much concern for me! It's been a lot more concern than what my own family has shown.... Thank you everyone. I really do appreciate it.
You have to be able to have a life and an income to take care of you. It is noble effort and I know because my grandmother raised me. Just don't do this at your age. God Bless
I'm sorry...it's just that I can't stop thinking of you and what you're being pressured to do. You know that this caregiving can drag on for years, right? I started on age 23 and I'm still doing it 24yrs later. But now both parents are bedridden.
I just feel so bad for you and what you will be facing ahead. Why can't any of your Mature elders care for their mother (or aunt)???
Caregiving is a team effort, so start developing a support network while you still have time. ... Also, there's nothing "selfish" with trying to have a life outside being someone else's lifeline. If caregiving is going to be your full-time job, find out how you can get paid for it. There's nothing selfish about this either.
The above #3 from jeanne is a must! There is a caregiver agreement document on this site that you need to read and have your family sign.
This a hugely noble act of love on your part and I am sure you will do a wonderful job; however, for your age, my advice is run like heck in the other direction and visit on weekends. How easily do you think finding a job 6 months or how about 6 years down the road? What about your plans for a family and future happiness.
Your family is very cruel to expect you to sacrifice your life for a few months or a few years, while they go about their business. Has an inhome health care agency been considered?
Think very carefully about this without the influence of your family. Good luck and God bless!
I'm sorry, that is my first reaction to reading about your plans. I know that this is a done deal so it isn't completely appropriate of me to tell you this is a mistake, but I have some strong concerns.
1) Is this seen by your family as a temporary measure? Gramma could need care for another 15 years. Are you expected to do this until you are forty? If it is not permanent, what is the duration? A year? Two years? Until Gramma can be talked into Assisted Living? It can't be "until Gramma gets well" because that is not going to happen. How long are you supposed to put your job search "on hold?" Now, at the beginning, is when the expectations about how long you'll do this should be established.
2) Are you being paid for this work? With a 1099 that you'll pay taxes and Social Security on, or is this just supposed to be a lost period as far as your SS credits go? Even if you are not being paid what the work is worth, you should be paid something!
3) Has a respite schedule been established? To be an effective caregiver you absolutely positively have to get away from it periodically. So, what times to you have off, and how is the family covering those times? Do you get 3 hours off on Wednesdays to go to your bookclub and from Saturday noon to Sunday evening? Do you get a week off every four months? Has respite and breaks been discussed with the family that is pressuring you into this? Get that established before you start. It can be very difficult to get a schedule set up later.
You sound like a compassionate and intelligent young woman. I am sure you will be able to take good care of your Gramma. As issues and concerns arise (and they certainly will with two stubborn women in the house) come back and post with specific questions. We are all on your side, and hoping for a satisfying and successful experience for you!