Am I a controlling daughter?

I don’t blame you for your suspicions and wariness. I hope you’ve talked honestly and privately with your mom about your concerns. It seems your brother is a “golden boy” in mom's eyes and that might be clouding her judgement. It sure seems like it when paying his bail and other expenses. But the fact of it remains, unless your mom has dementia, she’s completely free to have anyone she wants live with her and use her funds as she pleases. Keep an eye out, you mom may need someone to step in and help her one day

They are men.

I would take Mom out to lunch. I then would ask her what she thought of her situation. Maybe she likes the girl. Sometimes the loudest, crass people are very kind hearted people. If Mom does not want her there, then her son needs to hear it from Mom. If she wants the woman to stay, then that is Moms decision. I would though, take any valuable stuff out of her home or lock it up. I guess the gun was confiscated by the police. If not, remove it.

If brother and friend remain in the house, then they need to pay their own way. Brother needs to support his friend or she needs to find a job. He needs to contribute to the bills. Maybe pay Mom a flat rent. She should not be paying for any of their needs. If she ever needs Medicaid, giving them money maybe a problem.

How are you thinking you’d be able to approach “the problem”?

Unless your mother is herself willing to take a stand it doesn’t seem that you’ll be able to make the change. Has your mother expressed any concerns about her guest? Does she act at all timid about open discussion around Peggy? Does she seem to welcome or enjoy Peggy’s company?

I’d certainly make plenty of drop in visits at odd times during the day, and make sure that any jewelry or small attractive collectibles are put somewhere safe and inaccessible.

You're getting an 'unwelcomed' vibe from your brother's girlfriend whom you're calling a 'houseguest', yet you're speaking about her in a very derogatory way. You are 100% distrustful of her going so far as to say you wouldn't be surprised if she 'pushed' your mother down and caused her to fall and die!

How, exactly, is this woman supposed to feel about you when you are giving off such a negative vibe towards her??

If you want to assume a 'Biblical role' of caring for your mother, why not ask HER what SHE would like? If she wants the girlfriend to be her caregiver rather than you, then I suggest you find a way to make friends with her and develop a relationship so you can all get along.

If she wants you to care for her instead of the girlfriend, then have a chat with your brother to see how to go about getting her out of the house and you into it.

Good luck!

My husbands family had a similar situation but not as removed. My FIL was the caretaker for his 101 year old mother before she passed and somewhere along the line had some help from a woman who I think was paid to come in, she may have been a CNA or something at the time. Anyway when Grandma passed this woman kept hanging around as a “ friend” who would help him with various things. FIL always maintained they were just friends but the more she was around the more obvious it became there was more to it. Her cercumstance was very similar to your brothers “friend”, she lived in a trailer with her teenage daughter, sometimes had a job according to FIL and she did eventually get a part time job at the local PO and was gifted at least 2 cars by FIL amongst other things, she was shady and total opposite of my FIL who was about as prim and proper as you can be. Anyway my FIL’s two daughters disliked her immensely, didn’t trust her as far as they could throw her and his two sons weren’t crazy about her but felt the girls went too far, oh my BIL’s wife really didn’t trust her either and is where we heard much of the details about her history in the small town etc, they lived next door to FIL. I saw both sides, she was shady and total opposite of the standards FIL always held his daughters too and she convinced him to sell the family cottage and spend money on things he never would have for others or himself, he was her sugar daddy. On the other hand she seemed to make him happy and he had been on his own a long time, it was his prerogative to spend his money and time the way that made him happy, cottage aside. There wasn’t a lot of money or anything so no one was loosing inheritance to her. The girls were angry to see him do things for and with this woman or excuse things she did that he refused to do for their mother or them for that after she passed matter. So I guess I would say if it were simply your brother, in his right mind being affected, it’s his life.

In this instance however your mother is involved, supporting your brother and now his girlfriend, it isn’t your brother being affected financially it’s your mother. I understand your frustration, especially if you feel uncomfortable in your mother’s home because of this person who isn’t actually family. Did your Dad, Mom and Dad have a will? Who did your mom and or dad set up to be POA, executor, MPOA if anyone? How is the passing on of property set up? If it’s all your brother you probably have little recourse, if it’s shared and or if you have been entrusted with any of this then you probably have some standing and leverage. I would work hard to not alienate your brother if I were you, don’t aim everything at the girlfriend but recognize that he isn’t around 24/7 anymore and it’s probably time you helped out by taking care of things while he was away....

Your other brothers are likely blind to many of your concerns, right or wrong and probably see this as a perfect resolve to the problem of what do we need to do to take care of mom now that “Andy” will be away for days at a time working. This live in girlfriend who helps take care of mom is the answer to their fears that either it would take their time and or money to care for mom with Bro working again. Questioning her is like looking a gift horse in the mouth. This doesn’t mean your Skepticism isn’t warranted and healthy it’s just inconvenient for them to be that Skeptical and find something nefarious. It may be that she is great with mom and isn’t taking anything even if she’s hoping for a windfall some day. So tread lightly in the accusations but keep a healthy skepticism. Then make sure you are clear on who has what authority and what your mom really wants and try to honor that.

The real question here is "What does your MOTHER WANT?" There honestly isn't any other question at all. As long as she has no dementia diagnosis your mother is in charge.

I appreciate your answers. And I realize they are limited due to lack of history or vision. I perused the CDC guidelines for elder abuse and strongly feel that several criteria fit this situation. My Dad certainly didn’t work and live honestly his whole life to have his provisions for my mom squandered by someone who just rolls in off the street for her next good time. He would have called her a “dreg of society;” he was a true gentleman but recognized the low-life’s for what they were. When I heard him say this, it hurt my compassion filled heart...but this situation has pushed me to remember his words...and to recognize his wisdom.

My elderly mother should not have a black and blue face today with a shattered wrist from vacuuming for this lady to live a life of new lottery winner. Her ingratiating ways make me sick and I’d like to tip the tables on her mockery of my mom’s home.

One hundred percent she needs to go. Your mom may need to evict her the legal way, because she's now a tenant, but the red flags for elder abuse are waving and should not be ignored.

You need to get Mom alone and have her be straight with you.

I’m sorry for the hurt that this is all causing you. I don’t understand about your mother having ‘a black and blue face today with a shattered wrist from vacuuming’, but perhaps it’s about working hard in the past and not relevant today. If it is today, it’s a very different matter!

You are sure that your late father would disapprove totally of this woman. You may be right, but there are many posters who find that their elderly father changes completely, picks up a hanger-on themselves, spends like a sailor, and has a stock of Viagra in the cupboard. We all change, and it can shock the people who know us. If your parents were very ‘upright’ in their life together, your mother may even enjoy being on the edge of a very different life experience.

The advice about seeing your mother on her own seems spot on. Talk to her about what she would like for the future. Is she expecting the lady and your brother to live in the lady’s camper? Is she expecting them to move in with her – is that what she wants? What alternative can you offer? It sounds as though you might move in with her yourself, and many posters have come to grief with that option. Have you any idea of your difficult brother’s expectations? Or the long term ideas for your other brothers?

Perhaps the best idea is to tread slowly and think about the future. There is no point in rocking the boat unless you have a different way forward to offer. If (like the other brothers) this seems to be the best option right now, you might be able to resign yourself to be less bothered by it. If you have a good future option, you need to be clear that it works for your mother, yourself, and your own family. Best wishes, Margaret

Sorry to hear about your Mother.