I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for years. We have always planned on me moving to his country to carry on our life together and I am incredibly excited for that. But, my mother was recently diagnosed with dementia and I feel guilty at the thought of leaving her. It will probably be at least another year before I make the move but I cannot help feeling like a terrible person for having this plan. I would come back as much as possible to visit her and help look after her. Whilst I'm away I'd always make sure she has care. But, sometimes I feel like I should end this relationship to focus on looking after her but I know that wouldn't make me happy. I just don't know what to do to make her and myself happy.
"...I am 21 years old, living at home with my Mum, Dad and brother. Over the past few years my mother’s mental health has deteriorated. Her short term memory isn’t great, she gets confused easily and can’t do much for herself. We have suspected for a while it could be signs of dementia. I have tried suggesting that she seeks professional help. I try to support her as much as I can and encourage her to feel confident again. My father and brother have been frustrated by the situation and told me they have given up. My dad plans on leaving us once we can sell the house and my brother said he will then be going his own way. I don’t know where this will leave my mum. She has no hobbies or friends and does nothing to keep herself busy. I am a student and want to be able to live my own life. My boyfriend lives in Prague so I often spend long periods of time there with him. I feel like I’m going to have to choose and put my life on hold to look after her. I don’t want to and I feel like a terrible person for saying that. I have been depressed for many years and I am finally in a place where I am happy again and I feel like this could completely change that. I would obviously choose to help my mum and I’d never leave her alone but I don’t want to resent her for that. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless and heartbroken and completely alone..."
If I were in your shoes feeling like you do right now, I'd talk to my mom and tell her we have a year to help her figure out what's going on with her cognition. It's possible it is a medical issue, like tumor, thyroid, cardiac problems, diabetes, or any other number of things. These all need to be discounted before a diagnosis of dementia. She may have undiagnosed, untreated depression. You should accompany her to all her appointments if she's having trouble staying focused or remembering things. Someone has to be her advocate now.
In the end, you can only help her as much as she allows. If she doesn't cooperate yet needs help with ADLs, then guardianship may be the only answer. But I would start with getting an accurate diagnosis, which will inform future decisions about her care.
And your mother is a bit too young for any kind of dementia, although she could have early onset, but that needs to be diagnosed by a qualified doctor. Has that actually been done yet?
It sounds to me that she may just suffer from depression and other mental disorders that haven't yet been addressed, and until she chooses to help herself, there's not much that can be done.
So get on with living and enjoying your life. Your mother could live another 40+ years. Surely you don't want to have to give up your life for that long do you?
But that doesn't mean that you give up your life, because she chooses not to care about hers.
I encourage you to leave while you still can. I would speak little of it, and make the plans you have had all along and implement them. You have a right to your life. Your parents have lived theirs.
Abbvabb, you say your mother can't do much for herself, and this makes me wonder if by helping her so much, and even preparing to give up your plans for her, you are unintentionally disabling her. Why won't she seek help with her mental health? - not what do you think, what does *she* say?
It isn't an either/or situation.
you are looking at a "long distance relationship" for years...at just 21 and inexperienced (no matter if you think you have lived a lot of life) OR staying and taking care of your mother.
You need to find out who YOU are away from these major life stressors instead of making it about latching onto others.
Your mother won't seek help for her mental health issues. You don't say if she has bern diagnosed with dementia.
Your father and brother are planning on leaving mom and selling the family home.
Where will mom reside if dad's plan comes to fruition. Is your father expecting you to assume sole care of your mom?
Focus on making reasonable plans, both in the present, and the near future.
Will moving to his country even be allowed during the pandemic?
I advise do not move anywhere with him until you are married first.
Have you met him in person?
Poor Dad, he can't take it. But its OK to leave Mom high and dry and probably expecting you to care for her. Time to tell him that he needs to find a solution because u will not be caring for her. Plus, ur Mom is entitled to marital assets. Maybe alimony. And him up and leaving a "sick" woman maybe not look good to a judge. He maybe able to get her on Medicaid and placed in LTC.
No you are not selfish, your father is. His vows were in sickness and health, this is the sickness and its up to him to do the caring or find someone or place that will. Its not up to a 21 yr old ready to start a life of her own to care for a parent when there is one who can do it.
for your mom. There are lots boyfriends but only one mother !!!
this way you’ll have few regrets !!!
think you should get going find elder care lawyer … find good care home/caregivers
best luck
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