I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for years. We have always planned on me moving to his country to carry on our life together and I am incredibly excited for that. But, my mother was recently diagnosed with dementia and I feel guilty at the thought of leaving her. It will probably be at least another year before I make the move but I cannot help feeling like a terrible person for having this plan. I would come back as much as possible to visit her and help look after her. Whilst I'm away I'd always make sure she has care. But, sometimes I feel like I should end this relationship to focus on looking after her but I know that wouldn't make me happy. I just don't know what to do to make her and myself happy.
(About leaving)Now start the process for your decision. When finished go back to the Don’t Knows and you’ll probably find a place for it in one of the other columns. ONLY you can figure out what is best for you. If this guilt you are feeling turns into shame you will have a hard time building a relationship with your SO. And be sure to ask him how he feels about it. Also, have confidence in yourself that you will make the right decision. A lot will depend on the stage of your mother’s dementia. Good luck. You have some work to do. And I know my reply won’t be popular but so be it.
love and light
Sabrina
Best of luck to you.
Yes, you will feel guilt. However if you stay with your mom, you will feel regret. You may even come to resent your mom, especially when it gets rough, like her accusing you of things you didn’t do, getting belligerent with you etc. Those things are so very common…just read some of the threads here.
Please do everything you can to ensure she has good care and then, get on with your life.
I've heard time and again that it's a good idea for staff to see someone coming in to guarantee that she is not overlooked. You can hire someone.
As you are probably well aware with people with dementia, to be served food or brought to food does not ensure they put it in their mouths. Select some caring person not to do any work at all, other than to also make certain other simple things are done as well like casually checking if her bed sheets, clothes, etc., are fresh. Maybe that her sweater or shoes are not on another guest and she's not flopping around in men's slippers. Someone thoughtful and trustworthy. Doesn't have to be you, that can check that she is not ignored and slumping in a corner.
I'm an idiot, so my thinking may be wrong...but if I was aware that my boyfriend who's mom had only him to ensure/monitor her proper care, in whatever type of arrangement it was, and he decided to leave her so very far away FOR ME, boy oh boy, would I feel real special and proud of such a person. I'd be proud to introduce him to everyone and brag about such a catch.
Bon voyage.
As for the long distance relationship 'for years'. I'd be wondering why it has gone on for years and you never made the move. Especially when mom's health was probably better pre-dementia issue. Living with someone and having a long distance phone/internet/limited in person visits with someone are totally different. Is there any reason he never moved to be near you? And, considering this has been going on for years, your plan to be with him is still at least a year away....I'd question why one of you didn't make a move to be near each other 'years ago'. Is it possible both of you prefer the long distance romance and it would be better to just continue that way? No need to end it, just keep putting off a move as you have been doing?
for your mom. There are lots boyfriends but only one mother !!!
this way you’ll have few regrets !!!
think you should get going find elder care lawyer … find good care home/caregivers
best luck
Poor Dad, he can't take it. But its OK to leave Mom high and dry and probably expecting you to care for her. Time to tell him that he needs to find a solution because u will not be caring for her. Plus, ur Mom is entitled to marital assets. Maybe alimony. And him up and leaving a "sick" woman maybe not look good to a judge. He maybe able to get her on Medicaid and placed in LTC.
No you are not selfish, your father is. His vows were in sickness and health, this is the sickness and its up to him to do the caring or find someone or place that will. Its not up to a 21 yr old ready to start a life of her own to care for a parent when there is one who can do it.
I encourage you to leave while you still can. I would speak little of it, and make the plans you have had all along and implement them. You have a right to your life. Your parents have lived theirs.
I feel extremely irritated at your father & brother for leaving your mother high & dry in her hour of need, to be honest. You should have a life of your own, of course, but your mother should also have family to visit her, care for her (even if it's not hands-on care that's given) and to advocate for her if/when she goes into managed care. No person should ever be placed in managed care and not looked after there by a loved one who sees to it that they have all their needs met and get good, professional care. So I don't know how you DO it, actually. Maybe a social worker and Elder Care attorney team approach would be best.
Perhaps someone else will come along with much better advice than I'm giving you; I'm just flying by the seat of my pants here. I am so sorry you're in this position to begin with; sorry for your dear mom, sorry for the callous approach your father & brother are taking, and sorry that you can't just pick up and move to Prague w/o a care in the world. You are a lovely young woman with a big heart full of love for your mom to care this much.
You've said "My boyfriend lives in Prague so I often spend long periods of time there with him." You obviously already know him so that's not an issue. As far as the 'pandemic' is concerned, it's a non-issue because the virus is endemic now so we all have to learn to LIVE with it. And so we shall. Prague is a fabulous city and I loved spending time there myself.
I wish you the best of luck with all you have on your plate. Sending you a hug and a prayer for strength, my friend.
Focus on making reasonable plans, both in the present, and the near future.
Will moving to his country even be allowed during the pandemic?
I advise do not move anywhere with him until you are married first.
Have you met him in person?
It isn't an either/or situation.
you are looking at a "long distance relationship" for years...at just 21 and inexperienced (no matter if you think you have lived a lot of life) OR staying and taking care of your mother.
You need to find out who YOU are away from these major life stressors instead of making it about latching onto others.
And your mother is a bit too young for any kind of dementia, although she could have early onset, but that needs to be diagnosed by a qualified doctor. Has that actually been done yet?
It sounds to me that she may just suffer from depression and other mental disorders that haven't yet been addressed, and until she chooses to help herself, there's not much that can be done.
So get on with living and enjoying your life. Your mother could live another 40+ years. Surely you don't want to have to give up your life for that long do you?
But that doesn't mean that you give up your life, because she chooses not to care about hers.
Abbvabb, you say your mother can't do much for herself, and this makes me wonder if by helping her so much, and even preparing to give up your plans for her, you are unintentionally disabling her. Why won't she seek help with her mental health? - not what do you think, what does *she* say?
"...I am 21 years old, living at home with my Mum, Dad and brother. Over the past few years my mother’s mental health has deteriorated. Her short term memory isn’t great, she gets confused easily and can’t do much for herself. We have suspected for a while it could be signs of dementia. I have tried suggesting that she seeks professional help. I try to support her as much as I can and encourage her to feel confident again. My father and brother have been frustrated by the situation and told me they have given up. My dad plans on leaving us once we can sell the house and my brother said he will then be going his own way. I don’t know where this will leave my mum. She has no hobbies or friends and does nothing to keep herself busy. I am a student and want to be able to live my own life. My boyfriend lives in Prague so I often spend long periods of time there with him. I feel like I’m going to have to choose and put my life on hold to look after her. I don’t want to and I feel like a terrible person for saying that. I have been depressed for many years and I am finally in a place where I am happy again and I feel like this could completely change that. I would obviously choose to help my mum and I’d never leave her alone but I don’t want to resent her for that. I don’t know what to do. I feel hopeless and heartbroken and completely alone..."
If I were in your shoes feeling like you do right now, I'd talk to my mom and tell her we have a year to help her figure out what's going on with her cognition. It's possible it is a medical issue, like tumor, thyroid, cardiac problems, diabetes, or any other number of things. These all need to be discounted before a diagnosis of dementia. She may have undiagnosed, untreated depression. You should accompany her to all her appointments if she's having trouble staying focused or remembering things. Someone has to be her advocate now.
In the end, you can only help her as much as she allows. If she doesn't cooperate yet needs help with ADLs, then guardianship may be the only answer. But I would start with getting an accurate diagnosis, which will inform future decisions about her care.
Your mother won't seek help for her mental health issues. You don't say if she has bern diagnosed with dementia.
Your father and brother are planning on leaving mom and selling the family home.
Where will mom reside if dad's plan comes to fruition. Is your father expecting you to assume sole care of your mom?