I am 24M and I graduated college in 2020. I grew up on the East Coast with my parents and I landed a project based position out in the West Coast back in June 2020 and I went to live out there with my grandparents. I realized I do not like it out here at all and I want to move back to the East Coast hopefully in another year. I have a full time on-site job out here and I am only going to move back East if my job let's me transfer or if I can get a completely remote job.
My grandparents are 81F and 86M. They are great people don't get me wrong, but it would be sad to leave them behind. I feel it is okay for me to move out of here, because they have lived without me for many years and their elderly conditions were mostly the same and lived without me while being the way they are, except my grandfather stopped driving last year, which was a great decision, but now they are unable to get transportation unless my uncle (who works remotely) takes time off work (while I am working) to drive them and they don't want to use Uber, because they are worried about Uber being impatient about the time it takes to get them in and out of the car. They can live on their own in terms of getting meds ready (my grandmother takes care of her and my grandfather's meds), ordering essential items for delivery (grandmother is capable of learning how to use Instacart), taking out the trash (my grandfather used to do it two years ago and he was in the same condition), doing laundry (grandmother does her and my grandfather's laundry), washing dishes (grandmother washes dishes), but the only issue is transportation and someone to be able to get my grandfather off the ground when he falls. Paratransit is practically useless, because it is shared rides and they can be late to appointments and my grandparents do not want to use Paratransit. My grandmother has an Android phone and would know how to use Instacart for groceries, which I taught her how to use, because I want to move out. I do drive her for groceries and the pharmacy. I just have to switch my grandparents' medications for delivery eventually.
My grandparents have great genetics, but they lived sedentary lifestyles (due to the culture of their home country) ever since they retired causing them to be in the condition they are in right now. They have no dementia, mental issues, or cancer, but are very sedentary and my grandfather is very lazy, because they are from a country with a culture where the wife serves the husband. My grandfather has diabetes from addiction to sweets, very little leg muscle due to almost not walking at all. His mind is very "sharp" and can do math, but my grandmother has to serve him food all the time, cut an organize his pills for him. He also falls to the floor on a monthly frequency, but I got an electric chair lift, which helps significantly and the chair is 25 pounds, which my grandmother could carry on her own if I was not living here.
I told my grandparents that I want to move out within the next year (from today) or so, but they seem to act like that I am kidding. They keep saying how I should not move back into the snow and how I will become lonely for moving away from friends I had out here, etc. And I feel concerned, because my grandmother keeps telling people how I am a "great helper" or that "God has a way of setting things up to have someone available to take care of them (basically me moving in with them)" and it makes me feel like moving out is unrealistic.
Am I wrong for wanting to move out? When I was in college, my original plan was staying in my grandparents as a "starter" then moving to another West Coast state afterwards. Obviously, my "life plans" changed, but I am worried things are not going to be realistic. I know I am an adult and I can pick up my stuff and move instantly (if I have a job that let's me).
It might be a good idea to research services for older people in their area and put them in touch. Meanwhile good luck with your career plans, I hope you find what you're looking for.
You’re a wonderful grandchild, but go live your life as you choose. While you’re preparing for that, help them find an assisted living place where they will be safe. If they own their home, they can sell it to finance their new lifestyle. If they have savings, that will pay for it. They should have planned this long ago, but now you can help them do it. Good luck!
It's wonderful when you can meet in the middle for social visits & even better if you can spend time during things you both enjoy.
But I guess they won't be backpacking around Europe or Sth America, skiiing, hitting the pub & clubs for all-nighters.. or whatever else may be in store for a 24yrs old life. (Couldn't, even if they did want to).
I guess you don't really want to attend the senior centre, drink coffee with their friends, attend the matinee movies or whatever they like to do much either.
You can still love them yet have separate lives.
They will need to arrange other help though.
Let them know you leaving date.
Let their adult children know also as it may fall on them to arrange your replacements.
Family relationships change as more care is needed. It becomes so stressful on the caregiver.
You are young and should be focusing on your future. These are your building years to establish your career goals.
Today they're semi alright except for falls and no transportation etc. That can all change on a dime and leave them in dire straits. It's much better to alert your family to all this NOW, before crisis management has to come in and make an emergency move for them after a hospitalization when grandpa falls and breaks a hip. AL has caregivers and nurses there 24/7.
Good luck to you
Trust your instincts. Do not allow your grandparents or anyone else for that matter to persuade you to stay where you are if you truly desire to move back east.
Your grandparents will adjust if you aren’t around to help them. Are you familiar with Council on Aging? They will assess your grandparents needs and suggest viable solutions for their situation.
In my area, Council on Aging provides transportation for seniors who don’t drive. This could include doctor appointments, grocery and pharmacy trips, church services, etc.
Even if you choose to remain where you live presently, please keep your independence by not moving in with them. Remain being their loving grandchild and allow their children or a facility to be their caregiver.
Best wishes to you and your family.
You are new on the site, so probably don’t fully understand the Aged Care system. Use the information on this site to get a handle on options. Click on Care Topics at the top right of screen, then A for Assisted Living, S for Senior living. You can also use the Magnifying Glass (also top right) to search for Group Homes.
Perhaps you can make some inquiries, and then take your grandparents out on the weekend to see a couple of facilities. You can often have lunch there, and a good look around. That will make good use of the remaining time you have with them, will make it clear to them that you haven’t moved in permanently, leave them well set up for the future, and stop you worrying about hijacking your life by being God’s only solution to a long term problem.
Ask again if you need more questions answered. Best Wishes, Margaret
Keep reiterating that you're planning to move out, and be sure to keep your folks and uncle in the loop on that as well. A lot can happen in terms of your Grandp's abilities in the next year, so it's important that THEIR children are on top of their needs.