On a nutshell, my aunt moved about five hours away to be closer to family a few years back.
She recently fell ill, and can barely care for herself. I have family who live near her asking me come and stay with her and take care of her, while they go their merry way.
I come when I can, and when I do come, they expect me to stay longer, as if I don't work or have a life in my own state. They don't visit at all.
I have decided to step back. My aunt wants me to do everything for her, not realizing that she's uncooperative and stressing me out when I visit. Am I wrong to feel taken advantage of?
Tell them your availability (one day a week from noon-4 pm) and what you charge per hour. Stick to that.
Treat this as a job; it might make it easier to stomach. Or they may realize that she needs to pay for her care and seek out an agency.
How often is "I come when I can"? What happens when you aren't there? What do they do for your aunt then?
Yes, you are being taken advantage of, just as you were when you were assigned POA without being asked.
You work, you live at a distance, you are young and have no legal or moral responsibility for her care.
Don’t expect anyone in the family to agree with you or reserve their threats and complaints if you decide to withdraw. If you have plenty of healthy non-family support you don’t need “blood kin”.
BE YOU.
You haven't. You have told your Aunt what you are able to do and what you are not able to do.
Your family's "expectations" of you is their own problem. Your only problem is to self-protect. Continue to do so. They will pass their judgements on you either more or less vocally. Ignore them. Get on with your life.
You didn't cause any of this. You can't fix any of this. Simply get on with your life, and smile nicely at them all.
It appears that they're trying to keep "can barely care for herself" aunt out of a facility and using you and each other to keep her at home. A facility where she has 24-hour care is possibly the best place she could be, but she won't get there if all of you keep enabling her "independence," which isn't independence at all.
You owe none of them anything. Five hours away is quite a long trip for you. Be sure they understand how busy you are and stop going. It's quite likely that everyone would be better off.
Good luck, you deserve your life back, and cheers to you for setting boundaries.
I just posted about your POA problem. Another thing she assumed. If she has family near, she needs to assign one of them because you are not excepting that responsibility. I have a feeling she thinks by assigning you POA that means you will physically care for her, it doesn't. It gives u the ability to hire help, to place her in an AL or LTC but does not obligate you to physically care for her. (And your too far away to be Medical POA) Its Financial, meaning you make sure she has money for paying bills and for her care. You do not use your money. When hers runs out u place her.
That family may not be doing for her but when it looks like she is close to death, they will be circling. And they won't like that u hold the purse strings and may even go as far as claiming Elder financial abuse. Me, I have been thru the POA thing and all my Mom had was her house and that was a pain. I would not do it again.
So yes, you r being taken advantage of. Me, I wouldn't have done as much as you have for an Aunt who expects it. She is an Aunt, not your mother. You owe her nothing so its OK to back off. And I would back off completely. If you don't want to do anything for her, then don't.
When saying NO, your not responsible for the reaction you get. (Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud)
NO is a one word sentence
My Mantra...I am here to help people find the way, not be the way.
Maybe you can find services where Aunt lives. Like Office of Aging. Senior bussing. Grocery store that delivers. Pharmacy that delivers. Agencies where she can hire help. Give her the phone#s and say "I can no longer help you. Its getting too much for me, for one reason you are not cooperative. You can do this by phone and mail her the list. Certified if u want to make sure she got it.
I wasn't aware you are your Aunt's POA?
Are you, or are you not?
Because if you are POA YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE unless and when and if you resign that duty. If your Aunt has dementia a letter of resignation is simple and your aunt can appoint another family member.
If your Aunt is demented and in need of care and you have accepted POA then the resignation is more complicated and a court action, so that the court can appoint a replacement to look after aunt. If Aunt is demented and you are POA you need to see an attorney.
If you accepted a POA for Aunt then you have already, in some sense, made yourself a victim to her care needs now and future.
Yes, you’re being taken advantage of. I would never expect someone to travel five hours to help me. Would you expect someone to do this for you? I doubt it, so why are you continuing to do this for your aunt?
You sound like a lovely, thoughtful person but you are going above and beyond for your aunt and it’s eventually going to take its toll on you. It’s not worth you becoming sick due to sticking your neck out to help her.
Please take a giant step back and either help her to find others to help or tell her to find outside help herself.
As far as the caregiving aspect of things, you get to tell the relatives and Auntie that you as caregiver is not an option (and also unrelated to your POA status), so "let's put our heads together and figure out what we can do here."
When you are no longer an option, solutions are quickly found.
She would tell me to cancel plans in order to help her. Again, I would say, “No, I can’t help you right now. I’m not canceling plans to help you. I will help you on such and such day at such and such time and if this doesn’t work out for you, find someone else to help you.”
Some people will ask you the same questions 100 different ways to place pressure upon you. They are trying to break you down. This is when they should be cut off in midstream by saying anything, such as, you have another call coming in or that you have to get dinner out of the oven, etc.
The best way to deal with overly demanding people is to avoid them. Once you’re in their trap, it becomes a major headache.
So, after this is resolved, don’t become involved in her life again. You deserve to live your own life. Best wishes to you.
Don’t sign anything , and like Alva said don’t do anything that a POA would do . Is there a backup person assigned ? You stated in one of your replies that it’s in writing ( you as POA ) . Did you actually see it in writing ?
To me it is simple.
A POA is not a maid. Not a personal shopper, taxi driver, cleaner, cook or wellfare visitor.
Certainly not a retained servant at beck & call for daily tasks.
If Aunt is losing independance, then hiring assistance in home or moving to where staff provide assistance is her answer.
If you feel you are being taken advantage of, you probably are!
Treat those feelings as a message:
To work out what the POA is, what your duties are, what isn't.
IGNORE what other family members expect. That's THEIR problem.
Resign immediately. There is no way you can do this job adequately from 5 hours away and this will stop the local relatives from expecting you to give up your life so they won't be expected to do anything.
To resign as POA, ALL you need to do is send your Aunt and anyone else that has a copy of the POA a certified letter stating that you are unable to act as her POA and you resign effective immediately. Simple and done.
No attorney needed.
She doesn't do anything about changing things because they have all decided you're it, all except you that is. You are not obligated to accept the designation of POA just because they decided.
Be prepared to be the bad guy and stand firm that you can not fulfill the legal requirements of a POA and that's that folks.
No! It is a complete sentence with no need for any explanations.
(I mean any authority and not the elderly aunt)
As said, you need to go "cold turkey". You need to again tell your DA that she needs to revoke the POA and assign someone else. That ur sorry, but you will not be able to continue seeing her on a regular basis. With holding down a f/t job, spending your weekends traveling is getting too much. She needs to find another option other than you.
If you feel ur being taken advantage of, you are. Like said, if you aren't willing to help, another option will need to be found. Please, please don't feel guilty.
*Next of Kin* to be be notified in case of emergency, be involved in arranging care or support etc
The order is spouse, adult children, siblings, then .. ?? other relations: nieces/nephews, aunts/uncles depending on age (adult but not unrealistically elderly I guess)
Aunt has neither spouse of children. So makes sense she is looking for a relation to be a responsible contact.
All this advice to refuse being legal POA may be missing the point, maybe..?
Is this a MORAL issue? Also a COMMUNICATION issue?
How much does Aunt want & need?
How much does Tiredniece want & can give?
Is this it? Aunt wants so much more than TN can give?
Aunt needs a TEAM. Not just a lone niece, but a team of helpers. People get fearful.
Get fixed on *family helps family*.
When their needs are TOO HIGH for family they must involve NON-FAMILY helpers.
Is this where Aunt is stuck?
Is this where her siblings & other distant family members are stuck? (Quick, find the kindest gal, push the FHF line (aka push her under the bus) so they can all keep on living free).
Tiredniece. Tale some rest. Take some thinking time. My usual advice stands. Then choose your course of action.
Lead: talk directly with Aunt.
Be honest.
Discuss her needs (her list).
What you can do (your list).
Explain she will need to source OTHER help for the rest. She may push. You push back.
Follow: just go along doing more & more like Aunt is your new Boss.
Get out of the way: run, hide, ghost out, go no contact.
I can't say what I would do in your situation, in your family, not knowing the personalities.. I do know Lead can be hard, especially for those who dislike conflict. Hard but so often worth it - to be true to your own needs.
I got into a standoff mydelf last night. A very pushy co-worker said I want you to... I said no. I WANT YOU TO... I SAID NO. I WANT YOU TO.. I walked away. Made me think sometimes walking away is communication too.