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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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My husband has FTD he is 64 and have no clue how this happened. My anger at times is killing me. I know this is not him, but it us so hard . Looking at adult day care today, I work and get scared everyday I walk out my door
Emotions are funny. (not ha ha funny but you know what I mean) Excitement can sometimes feel like Fear. A lot of people on this forum use the word Guilt and I think the emotion should be Grief or Sadness. Anger.. one of the stages of dying. (And lets be honest that is what is happening.) Shock Denial ANGER Bargaining Acceptance and Hope
There is no point to the HOW this happened. Chances are there would have been no way to prevent it. And unless your time machine is working this is taking up space in YOUR brain. Just like a card game you play the cards you are dealt. You do the best you can with what you got. I did not plan to spend the last 12 years of my marriage with the love of my life and Dementia. I learned a lot. I did the best that I could with the hand I was dealt. I learned to research and find all sorts of ways that would help me be able to keep him at home. But as I have said in other responses you have to know your limits. I said I would keep him home as long as it was safe to do so. If it is ever not safe for you or for him to keep him at home you have to look for Memory Care for him. You also need to let YOUR health care team know what is going on with your husband his diagnosis WILL effect YOUR health. If you need to talk to someone do not hesitate.
MsRiley, it's terrible what happened to your husband. Dementia ruins and turns everyone's life upside down.
I have a number of suggestions. Hopefully some of them can be useful to you.
Recognize that Anger is caused by Reality not meeting Expectations.
You need to know what you're Angry about, and see if you can change Reality or Expectations or both.
So think. Specifically, what are you Angry about?: Losing your husband, losing future retirement plans with him, having to take care of him, having to worry about him, having to do everything by yourself, etc.
Take each one of your Angers, and see if you can either change the Reality or your Expectations
For example, you're Angry that you have to worry about him everyday. Having him in Adult daycare might reduce your worry. You change your Reality.
As for losing future retirement plans, you will have to make different plans and know that they too can change. You change your Expectations.
I know what I wrote above sounds very methodical, very cut and dry. When you remove all the emotions, that is what you have left, logics.
Removing emotions is not an easy thing.
Suggestions:
Meditation helps calm your mind and clear your head.
Exercising can do the same.
Talking to a close friend, a therapist, or a clergyman helps too. (None of my friends understand how I feel, I don't tell them.)
Coming to forums like this and vent away. (I've been on here for 5 years now.)
Shutting yourself inside your car, then scream out your frustration. (I've done this a number of times.)
Other posters will have more suggestions for you.
Stick around. You are in good company. Many people here have been or are in similar situations.
This is very early onset, and I am so very sorry. He is so young. This should have been for you the time when you had a few good decades enjoying retirement, and all that goes with that. As to the "why" of it, that's something researchers wish they knew, as well.
It isn't clear to me if you mean that your OWN anger is plaguing you, or if your husband's angry moments (FTD is infamous for manifesting with outbursts) is the currently the worst part of all this. For yourself know that depression often manifests as anger; see your MD and discuss whether you might not need some mild anti-depressants to bridge your adjustment here.
If you are still working I know you already know your husband can't be alone while you do so; much will depend on how he can adjust to the day care. This is definitely a day-at-a-time as you learn all you can about this difficult condition.
Again, I am so very sorry: seems such an inadequate thing to say. Know you aren't alone.
Can you get a second opinion about this diagnosis? Is it possible it’s a UTI or something else? Maybe it’s a side effect from a medication? Did he have a brain MRI? I know when I first took my mother to neurologist 10 years ago, he ordered tests..one was brain MRI. He showed me white spots on film were mini strokes that caused dementia. Your husband is my age. My mother just turned 96. She started exhibiting weird symptoms for a while before I took her to neurologist…I had 2 different dr references & then just couldn’t ignore or delay anymore. I wish you best of luck & hoping it’s something else & not dementia. Hugs 🤗
First of all, I am happy that you are able to identify and acknowledge that you are angry. This is so much healthier than pretending that everything is fine.
I made the mistake of bottling up my emotions at first and trust me, it isn’t the correct way to handle it.
I had a really difficult time expressing my feelings. I put enormous pressure on myself.
Find the adult daycare and take a well deserved break. It’s not selfish to take a break, it’s necessary.
You DO NOT have to be strong all of the time. We all need someone by our sides when things get so difficult that we start to wonder if we can make it through another day.
I chose to go to therapy during my days as a caregiver. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have my feelings of frustration and anger validated by my therapist. I had a wonderful therapist that I truly appreciated.
He worked with me to break down everything that I was feeling and why.
I understand why you are questioning your emotions. I did this too.
It hurts horribly to see people who we love declining. No matter what the situation is. For you, it’s Alzheimer’s disease, for me it was Parkinson’s disease and dementia, for someone else it may be cancer, etc.
It all stinks, doesn’t it? We begin grieving long before a person dies physically. Sometimes, I think that it hurts more than when the person actually dies.
The person that they once were is gone but they are still alive and struggling every single day in front of our eyes. Our hearts break into a million pieces. This isn’t what we wanted for them or for us.
For me, I was sad to see my mother die but I was also relieved that she was finally at peace and no longer suffering. It was a million times harder seeing the long and painful journey.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this challenging journey. Please vent on this forum when needed. We all have! Ask questions and we will try to answer them. Look for relief and take necessary breaks.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Excitement can sometimes feel like Fear.
A lot of people on this forum use the word Guilt and I think the emotion should be Grief or Sadness.
Anger.. one of the stages of dying. (And lets be honest that is what is happening.)
Shock
Denial
ANGER
Bargaining
Acceptance and Hope
There is no point to the HOW this happened. Chances are there would have been no way to prevent it. And unless your time machine is working this is taking up space in YOUR brain.
Just like a card game you play the cards you are dealt. You do the best you can with what you got.
I did not plan to spend the last 12 years of my marriage with the love of my life and Dementia. I learned a lot. I did the best that I could with the hand I was dealt.
I learned to research and find all sorts of ways that would help me be able to keep him at home.
But as I have said in other responses you have to know your limits. I said I would keep him home as long as it was safe to do so. If it is ever not safe for you or for him to keep him at home you have to look for Memory Care for him.
You also need to let YOUR health care team know what is going on with your husband his diagnosis WILL effect YOUR health. If you need to talk to someone do not hesitate.
I have a number of suggestions. Hopefully some of them can be useful to you.
Recognize that Anger is caused by Reality not meeting Expectations.
You need to know what you're Angry about, and see if you can change Reality or Expectations or both.
So think. Specifically, what are you Angry about?: Losing your husband, losing future retirement plans with him, having to take care of him, having to worry about him, having to do everything by yourself, etc.
Take each one of your Angers, and see if you can either change the Reality or your Expectations
For example, you're Angry that you have to worry about him everyday. Having him in Adult daycare might reduce your worry. You change your Reality.
As for losing future retirement plans, you will have to make different plans and know that they too can change. You change your Expectations.
I know what I wrote above sounds very methodical, very cut and dry. When you remove all the emotions, that is what you have left, logics.
Removing emotions is not an easy thing.
Suggestions:
Meditation helps calm your mind and clear your head.
Exercising can do the same.
Talking to a close friend, a therapist, or a clergyman helps too. (None of my friends understand how I feel, I don't tell them.)
Coming to forums like this and vent away. (I've been on here for 5 years now.)
Shutting yourself inside your car, then scream out your frustration. (I've done this a number of times.)
Other posters will have more suggestions for you.
Stick around. You are in good company. Many people here have been or are in similar situations.
I never thought about it this way but it sums it up nicely.
Praying.
Counting my blessings, big and small. This helps put things in better perspective.
As to the "why" of it, that's something researchers wish they knew, as well.
It isn't clear to me if you mean that your OWN anger is plaguing you, or if your husband's angry moments (FTD is infamous for manifesting with outbursts) is the currently the worst part of all this. For yourself know that depression often manifests as anger; see your MD and discuss whether you might not need some mild anti-depressants to bridge your adjustment here.
If you are still working I know you already know your husband can't be alone while you do so; much will depend on how he can adjust to the day care. This is definitely a day-at-a-time as you learn all you can about this difficult condition.
Again, I am so very sorry: seems such an inadequate thing to say. Know you aren't alone.
I made the mistake of bottling up my emotions at first and trust me, it isn’t the correct way to handle it.
I had a really difficult time expressing my feelings. I put enormous pressure on myself.
Find the adult daycare and take a well deserved break. It’s not selfish to take a break, it’s necessary.
You DO NOT have to be strong all of the time. We all need someone by our sides when things get so difficult that we start to wonder if we can make it through another day.
I chose to go to therapy during my days as a caregiver. I cannot tell you how wonderful it was to have my feelings of frustration and anger validated by my therapist. I had a wonderful therapist that I truly appreciated.
He worked with me to break down everything that I was feeling and why.
I understand why you are questioning your emotions. I did this too.
It hurts horribly to see people who we love declining. No matter what the situation is. For you, it’s Alzheimer’s disease, for me it was Parkinson’s disease and dementia, for someone else it may be cancer, etc.
It all stinks, doesn’t it? We begin grieving long before a person dies physically. Sometimes, I think that it hurts more than when the person actually dies.
The person that they once were is gone but they are still alive and struggling every single day in front of our eyes. Our hearts break into a million pieces. This isn’t what we wanted for them or for us.
For me, I was sad to see my mother die but I was also relieved that she was finally at peace and no longer suffering. It was a million times harder seeing the long and painful journey.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this challenging journey. Please vent on this forum when needed. We all have! Ask questions and we will try to answer them. Look for relief and take necessary breaks.