Any advice for final arrangements?

If you’re anticipating any family strife at the funeral I’d go with something simple and brief. A printed piece of some sort can tell of MIL’s life and be handed to everyone who attends. I’m all for closed casket, I’ve never understood the desire to look at the dead, but that’s me. The “best” senior funeral I’ve attended was done at the gravesite, printed sheet on the person handed out, brief words by a minister and a family friend, quick prayer and done. It was probably 15 minutes total. It solved the issues of awkward family relationships, the fact that most of the deceased friends had already died, and still recognized her life without costing a fortune. The funeral isn’t for the person who has passed, it’s for the living and should be what works best for them. Blessings to you as you consider what to do

My mother was a recluse and even when she was younger, my parents never had any friends. She outlived all family. I’m an only child, but I understand your thoughts. When my mom and dad passed, neither had any funeral or memorial. It was the way they wanted it. I was vilified by my husband’s family for it, too. They are all of a religion that believes in huge, expensive, multi-part funerals. They didn’t understand my parent’s wishes and blamed me for “cheaping out”. His family has since drifted apart. When his brother passed, I didn’t want to be there either, but I gritted my teeth and got through it. I fear this is what you’ll have to do as well. If any of them try to engage you in an argument, don’t rise to the bait. This is the time when being “fake nice” is ok.

Has your MIL ever said anything that you can remember about what she might want done when she passes? Has your husband ever mentioned anything? Her wishes should take precedence over what the family wants. There’s nothing wrong with a small, private service. When my mom passed, the funeral director told me more and more people are opting out of large funerals.

Trust yourself to make the right decision.

Does your MIL have a circle of friends? Or will it be "just" family?
If she has a circle of friends then I would do small but 1 day, closed casket (In the state where I live if there is a closed casket you are not required to embalm, saves a bit of money). Simple at the funeral home and burial or cremation can be private.
If it is just family, you can do the same thing and again private burial or you can do the family "thing" at the cemetery.
Real simple would be a cremation right away then have a small memorial reception for friends and family.
Since you are making the arrangements do what YOU feel is best, do what she would have wanted if that is in keeping with the finances.
Another thought would be to determine how much has to be spent in the process then take that figure to the Funeral Home and say this is the budget we have to work with what are your suggestions. I also suggest you go to more than one funeral home and ask about prices. There will be a "menu" that you can select from.
Better to do this now when you are not in a rush, over emotional, and more stressed than usual. You can take some time to look over options and make your decision at home with a cup of coffee and a clear head.

I'm not understanding why the type of funeral is indicative of the person's worth. Because she was a hard worker is no reason to have a lavish send off. She and her family and friends can take pride in her accomplishments without breaking the bank at the funeral home.

I'm with Daughterof1930, have a burial service at the grave site. Hand out a beautiful booklet with her best photos, many accomplishments and life history and leave it at that.

Since you both have been denounced, I wouldn't THINK of having any get together afterwards. If they want to go out to eat after the brief service, they can. You both get in your car and go somewhere else. Then be done with them forever.
Good riddance.

I was asked by my aunt (mom's sister) if I was going to have any "doings" for my mother (who is 95 years old) when she passes.

We live in Tijuana, mother is in a Memory Care facility here in Tijuana too. Mom's one sister lives in Texas and doesn't have the funds to fly out. The sister and brother who are left, live in Northern California. Neither of them are able to fly to Tijuana, nor would they want to. I don't feel I need to make a service or memorial 600 miles away for 2 siblings. I am mom's only child.

So we'll just have Mom cremated and leave it at that. I'm ok with it but I think I'll hear about it from my aunt. I plan on saying that she can organize whatever she'd want to (she's 93), but I'm working and probably wouldn't be able to get off work to fly up there. I think it will stop there.

Why do anything when all of mom's friends and most of her relatives are gone?

Life is even complicated in death.

First, honoring her for her many years of work is part of what you're doing now.

Funerals are for survivors, to express their grief (hopefully, although some can turn into less positive events when there are family disagreements and friction, and it seems as if that already exists).

Second, has she expressed any wishes or feelings about her own funeral? If not, use your judgment; you probably know her better at this point than the rest of the family.

You have no obligation to spend a lot of money in elaborate funerals; that isn't even the trend any more. Simple memorials are much more personal, and celebration of the deceased's life is a more positive outlook and less maudlin.

Third, what I've done so far is have a closed casket (no embalming) service, with locally close relatives and some close friends and supporters. A Memorial Service will be later, when I have it all planned out, and only family (including out of town relatives who couldn't come to the burial service) and close friends will be invited.

It will not be religious; it will be a memorial service by which all can share their memories and experiences, and learn of other's similar experiences with my father. With the emphasis being on "Celebration of Life", I've thought quite a bit as to what kind of music most expresses that, and I've decided that Schiller's Ode to Joy is the theme I want to use for the Celebration. It's exuberant, uplifting, and magnificent.

There won't be any maudlin speeches or maudlin music. I'm adamant about that.

Windyridge just had a memorial service for his recently deceased mother. I like the way he handled it. His thread is:

https://www.agingcare.com/discussions/Moms-memorial-Dad-in-memory-care-440113.htm

The little memory card style I've chosen echoes my father's philosophy, as well as his military service. I'll probably have them printed a bit larger to include some life events, perhaps a quote as to living life fully. I plan to bring memorabilia from his life, including his WWII parachute if I can find it. There will be a few other memory boards and kiosks, including family and hobbies.

I want people to leave the Celebration feeling glad that they came, remembering all the good things and feeling they want to live THEIR lives as my father did, enjoying it until it was physically impossible to do so.

As to prepayment, you might want to consider just the most expensive items, the casket, vault, cemetery plot, and leave the actual activities open until you feel comfortable with a plan on what level of activity you want.

Lovestiks, I copied your information from your profile page so that we have a better idea about your situation. It sounds like you have a multitude of problems. Unfortunately your answers and comments have been turned off so we cannot go to your profile page and see what other posts you have made or that you commented on. It looks like quite a few. Also, I am not sure that the funeral is going to be the worse problem.

"FIL asked me to take care of MIL. I said yes... thinking he would outlive us all. He and MIL put the wheels in motion setting up POA+ for both. I felt kind of proud and special. Two years later FIL passed. The "family" seemed shocked about the above financial dealings and insists MIL is fine on her own and is wondering where the $ is. MIL requires attention, most is beginning of Alzheimer's but FIL did everything for her since 1989 cooking , cleaning and can you believe, bathing. She also doesn't drive. All very time consuming. MIL will not allow any strangers to help or in the house. Can't move her into our tiny home, and she can't afford to leave her home 10 minutes away from me. Her family is antagonistic at best. We are drained financially, emotionally, physically and spiritually and found some help from support groups."

Are you MIL's Durable Power of Attorney and Power of Attorney-Health Care now? And MIL's Executor of her Will? Because I have the feeling that the family is going to getting nasty as MIL's health declines. You state that you are financially drained--have you been paying for MIL's utilities and food and medications, etc. since she doesn't allow stangers into her house?

You can have a simple memorial service at a church also. Or at a park or at the grave site. Some people put photos on a large poster board ( 2 X 3 feet) or on a tri-fold cardboard poster with some information about the photos and /or set up a table that has some memorabilia that the person received or collected during their lifetime. If you set up a table with memorabilia, I wouldn't be surprised that the "family' argues over who gets what C-:)

Gardenartist has a wonderful idea with the "Celebration of Life" theme. It sounds so positive and so uplifting just saying the words "Celebration of Life" can bring a smile to your face.

We have had some interesting funerals locally. A couple of years ago, a local farmer was killed in a farm accident and his casket was taken to the cemetery on a flatbed trailer that was pulled by his favorite tractor. Another person competed in rodeos, so a rodeo rider volunteered to do a "cowboy's tribute" to the deceased and had his white horse lay on its side in the grass near the grave site during that memorial.

Since my father was buried in a different town then where the funeral was held, we had my cousin sing a solo at the grave site. Afterwards, those attending the grave site service went to a local restaurant and had coffee and snacks in a small conference room to warm everyone before they traveled back home (it was December).

Don't worry about what the family wants. If they want to have their own memorial service, let them. As long as it doesn't take the place of the one you and MIL have arranged. Do whatever you and your MIL want for her memorial service.

They only visit Mom twice a year! I find that pathetic!

But ya know, I do try to understand every family dynamic is different. I just couldn't handle that.

But since they can live their lives without much contact with Mother, I would assume they'd have very little interest in how she goes out.

If you feel you must appease them in some way, please think again. Whatever you decide to do, do it for your mil, you & hubby.

Like GardenArtist said, you ARE honoring her life, and have been for the last 7 yrs.

For the record, I like the graveside quicky with lovely handouts. Please let us know what you decide.

DeeAnna, great ideas! 
The horse in the grass at the gravesite would have had me balling! But what better ways to honor a person, then a ceremony that reflects their lives like that! It sure beats pics.

DeeAnna, I love those unique funerals you described! A flat bed trailer instead of a funeral car... a white horse laying on its side - how very unique!

I've heard of one for a surfer; friends paddled on their boards and one deposited his ashes in the ocean. So touching, and so appropriate.

I think in the next decade or so that large, maudlin funerals are going to be revolutionized into events that are so much more personal.

Pepsee, check your PMs now.

Stinkin' auto correct!!

That's supposed to be. *bawling* not *balling* sheesh😝

One often wonders if tech devices have some element of AI and are inserting their own prurient thoughts.

My advice is not to worry too much right now about the extended family. Put enough of her money into the final arrangements now so that you and your husband are not financially burdened when your MIL passes away. You may as well err on the side of arranging too much (ie. go for the nicer headstone and the nicer casket) since the money is being spent down anyway. Make sure you've got the money for the burial site and all the fees...installing a headstone, opening and closing the grave, perpetual care....whatever you think you will want.

Worry about what kind of gathering and memorial you want when you need to cross that bridge. Just get the money committed now.

Some of the obituaries in our paper have stated "Sam loved the Denver Broncos (or any sports team) football, so we ask that those attending the funeral wear Broncos-related clothing or colors" OR stated "please wear casual dress such as jeans" OR "please wear purple as that was Helen's favorite color".

Lovestinks, maybe if your Mom loves a specific sport or activity or color, you could incorporate it into the memorial service.

We chose to do everything in one day, we family viewing only in the church. Had a service and then drove to the burial site, we prepaid her funeral and that made things a little easier to get through. I had already bought her a new dress and had all that ready to go when I brought her home on hospice.

My father wanted no funeral. “Just leave me for the trash man” was what he always said. Mom ignored his wishes and put on a big 3 day ordeal for the attention she got. Now she’s looking down the barrel of 84 and expects me to do that for her but...we live 4 states away from the few people she still knows, she has no money for a lavish funeral nor do I, and she has not endeared herself to what family remains. I’m planning to cremate her and when I can do it; I will have her urn interred with my father where they used to live. Everyone has to do what works for their situation.

I'm faced with planning my own final arrangements. I have no children. My only family is my brother who has cancer and I most likely will outlast him. I don't want to be buried. I don't want any memorial services. I am planning to be cremated - just don't know what to request done with my ashes. I don't think you're allowed to have your ashes sprinkled at sea, but that would have been my wishes. Expenses for this is far less than regular burial and is something we should all consider.

The time you pay homage to a person is when they are alive. By being there and caring for them everyday is what counts. You help feed them, diaper them, bathe them, etc., shows them how much you love them. When a person dies, they are gone..Dead. It's too late to do anything. Spend the money for the living..buy things for your loved one to help them. I recently spent $600 my own money for a Dolomite walker for my mom with end-stage Alzheimer's disease. It really helps her do her daily exercise so I did not mind spending it because it helps her and she likes her daily walks.  So don't spend it all on the big-business funerals. Buy flowers for them to enjoy while alive. Not when they are dead. Tell them you love them while you can. When they are dead, it's too late. I would do the cheapest -- cremation. I cremated my father it cost about $1,000. Why? The roof needed to be redone. Needed a new water heater. Needed new washer it broke. In other words, to continue with the business of living.  I hate to sound so cold--but when he was alive he was always cared for. I do not understand why people dump so much money on a dead body. The funeral wanted me to spend $500 on an empty box for the ashes. Insanity! I bought a beautiful box at a cigar shop for $45 and that is where his ashes were put. 

Nancyab, Me too. I found a FB group called Elder Orphans, & it has been wonderfully supportive. A funeral director told me very recently that no one cares about where ashes are deposited or dispersed anymore, & there is never interference. There is one exception which I don't remember :-( Check out Neptune Society, see if they are in your state. They do all the stuff concerning one's remains.

nancyab, if you donate your body to a medical school they will cremate the body and scatter the ashes per your request and there are no expenses. One of my aunt's made this choice.

TNtechnie, I know someone who attempted to donate his body to medical school and was denied because they have more cadavers than they know what to do with, if you can believe that.

My mother’s 97. I prepaid her funeral a couple of years ago. All of her siblings, in laws, and all but one or two friends have predeceased her. My sister left 5 years ago after a fight with Mom and she hasn’t returned. Mom will be creamated, there will be a memorial service in church (she’s Catholic, so that was really the most important thing to her), I’ll make sure a couple of her favorite hymns are played. She’ll be buried next to Dad. Cost was about $4,000. It’s amazing what they charge for this stuff! Would be cheaper, I imagine, if she wasn’t buried. If my sister puts her a** on a plane and comes up for the funeral, fine. I imagine a few cousins and friends of mine will come. If anyone doesn’t like the arrangements I’ve made, they are free to b*tch amongst themselves or make a huge donation to some charity if it makes them feel better to spend money after she’s dead. What she really needed was their COMPANY before she was gone, but nobody’s giving her that, so they can all go to hell.

I told my husband and kids that when I die, cremate me and shoot my ashes out of a cannon somewhere. (One of my daughters is a revolutionary reenactor, so that should be too hard for her to figure out.) I won’t have my ashes taking up real estate; don’t waste money on a pretty urn for me when I’m not even here to see it. (My husband would like us to put his body on a raft, set if afloat, shoot a flaming arrow at it and let it burn, but I don’t think the law will allow that, LOL.)

I did cremation, no embalming, and am using thelivingurn.com and planting a tree for my DH.
I just didn't want 'strangers & family' telling me how sorry they were - we never saw them while he could have visited with them.
I'm planting the tree in DH's Garden as a memorial. Private ceremony. Me, the tree and a hole to plant it.

We are coming to the time when the thoughts in this thread are going to be needed here. RayLin, you brought me to tears with your private ceremony. One year, as a birthday gift, my LO gave me a beautiful Japanese dogwood. It was planted outside this window where I could see it all the time. He planted a small evergreen over the ashes of my beloved dog. And there are other plantings here with the same emotional meanings. His pleasure in the trees will never be forgotten and I will find something beautiful for our own private ceremony when the time comes. Thank you for the thought -- it will be a private time, with private memories.

You can have her cremated. It's a lot cheaper than an open casket. And you can eliminate the need for the traditional funeral. Or you can bite the bullet and express your plans when she passes and that you will try to inform them when the end seems close but you will be having a service for yourself and her friends. You can still honor her when she is cremated with a service at a Church and a clergyman will come to the gravesite where her ashes would be interred.

One thing, although a bit peripheral, I'll add to the conversation is that one should keep in mind the needs of people who would want to attend the funeral or memorial. My father died on a Monday, and I decided to have the funeral on Saturday (5 days later). My mother wondered why I wanted to wait so long. My reasoning was that although they were currently in SW Ohio, they had grown up in central PA and also had retired back there, and my father has many relatives in central and other parts of PA and in western NY, many of whom having jobs that would make it difficult for them travel to a funeral held on a weekday. Even some friends and family who lived locally in that area would have had to take time off work to attend. We had it on that Saturday with a wonderful turnout, and because we're fortunate that we get along well, it was essentially a family reunion. This also gave us sufficient time to plan everything. My father was a WW II fighter pilot, and my sister put together a beautiful display of photos from various stages of his life, including WW II. I don't think everything would have been worked out as well if it had been held earlier in the week.

Pepsee, I agree it is pathetic! , but I think 2 visits per year is better than none, which is what we have got going on here. No visits, calls, cards, nothing!

In my mind, I was hoping that my husband's siblings would come back around, after she passes, but I don't think that is going to happen if they can't even be bothered to come around now!

I will make sure her final wishes are known and followed. But let's be honest, parts that she should have done are missing.

Does MIL need anything? New glasses, hearing aids, clothes, shoes, mobility devises? 

I personally think buying her a lovely new wardrobe would be a better spend down than a funeral that you, as her caregiver would hate to attend because of family drama.

 The money has to be spent on her to qualify, did she ever dream of a Gucci bag or silk pajamas? Use the money to do something special for her. 

2xs a year does not give anyone decision rights. Let them do what they want, you are honoring your MIL every single day by loving her and caring for her. That is truly what matters at the end.

When my 21 year old nephew died, my husband and I had him cremated, separated his ashes into lovely little bags with a note that said, "Take me some place special that we shared together and say a final farewell, I love you all", we gave each of his 7 siblings and his dad, stepmom and bio-mom each a bag and then we did a Celebration of Life, his own mom and dad didn't even bother to come. Everyone that knew him told stories about experiences they had with him, much laughter and some tears, nobody had any money so this was our way of a financially feasible send off. Those that attended had a happy time remembering the boy man that they loved and would always miss. We know we will see him again.

I guess my point is that a jug of lemonade, a bag of popcorn and happy memories can honor a life lived as much as a 25k funeral.

 Don't buy something that no one wants just to spend down, do something awesome she can enjoy.

Hugs 2 u! Her kids are real special aren't they? I am so grateful to anyone that loves on my parents, even if I personally find them awful, this isn't about you, it's about their mom, shows you their character for sure.

You've certainly honored your MIL well already. Plan and pre-pay what YOU want in accordance with her preferences.  Make arrangements that you are comfortable with.
 You don't even have to tell the rest of the family that she passed until it's all over.
Then, if they want to plan and pay for a memorial, they can do it without you.