I posted the other day that I moved at the request of my father to be close to him amd my brother. My brother wants me to pay for service providers for my father, that he has been paying for for years, and he surprised me recently by saying he set up a tenative appoinment with the service provider for me to go to the office and sign a contract! I had already contacted them months ago and it was outside my current budget. My brother knew this.
Well, I told my father this and he says "I moved down here because your brother offered these services to me and he can easily pay for it. He's a millionaire. I don't want you to pay for it. It's not your responsibility! I don't want any problems in this family."
So what's going to happen now is my brother will call soon and ask me if tomorrow or Friday would be good for me to sign the contract. I will say "You told me that dad was in agreement with me assuming the costs of the services. I talked to him and he knew nothing about this!"
Then there's going to be bad blood! My brother will probably then shame me that I don't have the money to pay the services. His wife inherited most of their wealth, like $5 million. I won't be invited to their family events for a while. Then when I do go there will be lots of hints of how they are well off and I'm not. I can't believe this!
Out of the goodness of my heart I left a place where my expenses were fairly low and it was a semi-rural environment conducive to my well-being in many respects. Where I live now has some positives too but overall it's very difficult for me. I moved here solely for my father, who moved to be near my brother and family.
Sorry to go off and "share" my issues, which by any standard are not major, but it's hurting me that the people I love (brother and family) are treating me like this!! I want good relations. I'm not a millionaire. So what? Life isn't just about money. Any advice?
If you have a dad whose care is being paid for by that sibling, that matter should be between dad and brother.
In general, dad's care should be paid for by dad, not by his children. You are entirely justified in saying "no, I cannot do that".
Inherited money belongs to the person who Inherited it, not the spouse. Sounds like this might be an issue in your brother's marriage.
If dad has dementia, it's entirely possible that dad had this conversation with brother and now has no memory of it. Keep in mind when dealing with dementia that what the dementia patient tells you is not always the whole story.
You should not be subjected to any excoriation by your brother or any part of your family. If there is abuse on their part, get up and leave.
I thought about the dementia angle. But that is not the case here because my father, while sadly forgetful these days, would definitely remember if my brother told him that I would be taking over large regular payments for his care.
My father sacrificed so much for me and my brother growing up. In the years later I learned he had it so rough, well beyond what most people could take, at the time but he still managed to always be there for us and teach us how to be good people (with mixed results!). So I feel now that I will pay what I can so he can at least not have any stress whatsoever about money.
As far as my brother goes my guess is that this will blow over in a few weeks but forever I will be subjected to overt humiliation by him, his wife and niece and nephew, who think they're always right and I couldn't possibily be because I don't have the money. Yet they will think "He's doesn't contrbute." Even though I bring good take-out food to my father on a regular basis and do many of his chores and I do them effortlessly with love.
Part of the humiliation will be that when I was younger I was always the better student by a wide margin and my brother thought my future was going to be much financially better. He got "lucky" by marrying an heiress but as far as earned money goes he was absolutely right when he was younger.
But I will take the suggesstion of getting up and leaving very seriously. It's my life too and I deserve to live as well.
Thank you agin.
"Then there's going to be bad blood! My brother will probably then shame me that I don't have the money to pay the services. His wife inherited most of their wealth, like $5 million. I won't be invited to their family events for a while. Then when I do go there will be lots of hints of how they are well off and I'm not. I can't believe this!"
Your brother is obviously manipulative and dominating. I think you're at a point at which you have to decide if you want to stand up to him and maintain self respect, or let him continue to manipulate. Do you really want to go to his family's events?
I wouldn't even address the issue of signing the contract other than when he asks when you'll sign it, tell him you're not. Period. DO not engage in discussion as he'll just try to manipulate and intimidate you. You need to put him in his place. Now.
I think the basic issue is whether or not you can stand up to him, assert yourself, and make it clear that he CAN'T manipulate you. I know this isn't easy. Sometimes it takes a situation like this to stand up to a bully.
Anything I say to my brother will not matter. As I indicated in another reply, he's on a single track with one mission - me assuming the contract for services. That it. He won't accept or feel anything different other that.
I'm learning he speaks clearly with his actions. Maybe when I don't sign the contract that will tell him clearly that I'm not going to be pushed around. But like I said bad blood is on the way. Thanks to your words I feel a better, stronger mindset in dealing with it.
My thought is this: sit down with your brother AND dad in the same room. Have the discussion, out in the open, with both present. Let your brother know that you cannot afford dad's contract care, that you made this FACT known in advance, that there is NO shame in such a thing at ALL, and that you moved to this city SOLELY to be close to dad for moral support & love.
You already know how dad feels about this matter, he made it clear to you when he said , "I moved down here because your brother offered these services to me and he can easily pay for it. He's a millionaire. I don't want you to pay for it. It's not your responsibility! I don't want any problems in this family."
Put it out there that dad NOR you want any problems in this family, so please move PAST this money matter, brother dear, so we can get back to the business of caring for dad. If you say this in the presence of both dad AND brother, I think that should shut your brother up on the matter, once and for all. He thinks he can cow you by manipulating you in PRIVATE, that's my take on the matter. Once he's 'outed', he'll back down. Hopefully.
Don't ever feel sorry for bringing your issues to the forum; that's what it's here for!!
BEST OF LUCK getting your idiotic brother to back down!
I am not clear on who is the POA here.
But I am clear on that you sign nothing. If you are POA you would sign ONLY as POA. That would be in the case of your Dad being incompetent to sign anything.
So again, if you are not POA and you don't have money is is CRUCIAL that you be able to stand on your own two feet to say "NO, I am NOT signing ANYTHING." Full stop. Period. End of sentence.
You say you moved here "out of the goodness of my heart". Making your own life decisions for yourself that are poor decisions for your own life are merely poor decisions. The heart doesn't get weighed in the matter unless at the Pearly Gates.
You need to stand strong for yourself. If you need to seek help in order to do that please do that, whether from a Licensed Social Worker working with life transitions therapy or a psychologist or an Elder Law Attorney.
And please, don't sign anything. And don't use your own money.
Your Dad moved to be near brother. He is there now. If you want to stay and it is a good move for you, then stay. If leaving works better for your life, then move.
the wisdom, the warnings.
and i'll try to apply some of your warnings to myself.
you've got this OP!! lots of compassion from me to you!
You do however provide dad with labor and your presence. He’s happy with that.
Plus the fact is that bro has been paying the aides for years. So what has changed besides your presence?
My brother wants me to contribute but my guess is, because no one is straight with me, that while they have money they also have lots of expenses. It's one bill he can get rid of and have me contribute at the same time.
So there you are. Brother may sign whatever he wishes as the POA if Dad is incompetent to sign on his own behalf. If not, the brother will have to weigh his own actions under the law.
You should not be paying for your parents. Your Father's funds stand to pay for your Father's care when (in his own opinion ) he need care, or when (in the opinion of his POA) he is too incompetent to KNOW he needs care.
Next time brother calls tell him that signing things isn't what you will be doing. Not ANY things. No one can stand up for you. You must do it yourself. I wish you the best of luck telling brother to "go pound sand".
So let’s review. At the moment brother is bullying you, but you’ve made your position clear. You will not be able to take on the aide contract that dad is happy with and that brother has been paying for years. You will however provide some of that care yourself on your own agreement between you and dad.
The worst thing so far is that brother won’t invite u to Friday night pizza as you said. I mean, so? And if brother and his wife want to buy a horse farm or whatever, it is no business of yours any more than it’s his because he thinks you can technically afford his aide contract.
I thought the worst thing would be a strained family situation, including no invites to Friday night pizza for a while, but now I have considerd the possibility that if the service is discontinued and I am not made aware and dad has an incident as a result I willl feel awful. I shouldn't but I will.
Also, it could be that my sneakiy brother is inaddition trying to see how much money I have to spend, sizing me up if will, to see just how far he can go to shift some the resonsibilties on to me.