My grandmother (75) recently started memory wise we haven’t taken to her to the doctors yet and are hoping it’s not a serious memory issue. But recently she’s started just throwing clothes and other items away. She’ll take them outside in bags or boxes and throw them in our cans, we don’t know what to do and are tired of combing through the trash every night. My mother and I are not people meant to take care of others and this whole ordeal is stressing all of us out to tears. I’m doing my best to keep calm and remind her it’s not her fault and that it’s ok but my mother is easily frustrated and isn’t handling it so well. The thought of putting her in a home is so upsetting but living this way is too stressful. Any advice on what to do or plausible explanations are insanely appreciated. Please and thank you. ❤️
Take grandma to the doctor and rule out other things such as UTI, depression etc.
If it is dementia it will only get worse .
Why does grandma live with you ? Does she have funds to pay for assisted living or memory care facility ? Depending on what state you live in Medicaid will pay for that when grandma runs out of funds . More information would be helpful . Come back here after you have seen the doctor .
Often the person with dementia doesn't realise they have an issue because they're experiencing memory loss, but will really dig their heels in if they're told that they're being taken to the doctor to have new behavior assessed. You might want to give the doctor's office a heads up about why you want the visit ahead of time, and get her to her appointment by telling her it's for a medicare wellness check instead.
If it is dementia--this is a helpful article:
https://www.smashwords.com/extreader/read/210580/2/understanding-the-dementia-experience/Medium,Arial,Black,White,One-and-a-Half
The answer to those questions will make a difference in how you proceed, as if she's just doing some fall cleaning out of things...just let her. But if she's throwing away perfectly good items that she still needs, well that's a different story.
But the bottom line is that if this simple thing of grandma throwing away things is stressing you and your mother out "to tears," my goodness...you ain't seen nothing yet if in fact grandma has some form of dementia. The fun is just beginning.
I'm glad that you and your mother both realize that you're not cut out to be her caregivers. That is huge. So now it's time to get your(or grandmothers)ducks in a row as far as her future care.
Start looking into assisted living facilities in your area where she can be around other folks her age and enjoy the activities they provide. Make sure that this facility also has a memory care unit that she can progress to if and when needed.
But for now, take her to the doctor to rule out a UTI or any other issue that may be causing this current issue.
This is your mother's problem. The more you step in the more you enable her to step away and this is not your problem. Your mother needs to start with the doctor and a solid diagnosis. Then your grandmother may or may not need placement, according to what decisions your mother comes to.
I don't know your age, but if you are of majority it is time now to move on and move out and begin your own life, education, job, family, etc. I wish you the very best.
If she has dementia, she may be trying to clear out all the stuff because it's confusing her, she doesn't know what it is, she doesn't know it's hers, etc. Who knows what goes on in their heads?
One thing you could do is organize, organize, organize. Keep clutter around her to a minimum. That might make her feel calmer. I know it does me; I find disorganization and messes uncomfortable. I don't want to be in them, I don't make them, and I don't like to be in others' spaces that are cluttered and messy either.
Also, please stop thinking of "putting her in a home." That phrase has a connotation of consigning her to a bad place. Care facilities today are much nicer than they were yesteryear. Grandma would have activities, outings, friends, and professional caregivers to help her. Think of a care facility as getting all of you the help you need. Go visit some soon.
Here is a link to a discussion on that very topic:
https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/mother-is-obsessed-with-throwing-things-away.76597/
Get grandma in to see her PCP and make sure you ask that she be tested for cognitive issues. A MoCA or SLUMS mini cognition test will suffice to see where she falls on a 1-30 rating chart.
Good luck to you
Memory care is not what it was 30 years ago but with the advent of covid, all medical facilities are short staffed. If your Mom can't deal with someone with dementia (and dealing is not an easy thing) then you will need to consider placement or home care (also can be expensive and you will still have to deal with her when the caregivers are not there). Assisted Living and MC are fairly expensive everywhere (think 3-4K per mo. min) and the fees increase with the level of care required. Regardless of where Grandmom is placed, family will have to visit often to advocate for her. In many states, Assisted Living and Memory care do not take Medicaid (should she qualify financially) without a significant prior period of private pay. Under no circumstances, will Medicare, which is a health insurance, pay for custodial care.
So to find out where you are at.... start with getting a full physical and neurological exam. Please let us know how things turn out.
You will be amazed at how much better she will be after treatment if that is the case. get her tested.
This can be done at an urgent care. Ask that they run a culture to make sure she gets the right antibiotic. UTIs can be fatal.
If this is just happening at night perhaps it’s a form of sundowners.
A dementia diagnosis will be beneficial as you will understand better what you are dealing with but it won’t stop her activities.
If it is dementia, she won’t remember not to do it just because you tell her. Some dementia patients pack a suitcase everyday to “go home”. Some take their clothes off. Some don’t take their clothes off for weeks. Some are not preoccupied with clothing at all. It’s a complex disease.
Your mom is probably afraid and it is very upsetting. I’m sorry you all three are having to deal with this. The sooner you get her to a doctor the better.
Then replace the dirty clothes with clean ones.
I get the not wanting to dumpster dive every night--or maybe you can put a largish trash can in her room for her 'extra clothes?'
Maybe she's feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff she has.
My MIL has been throwing things away-totally random items, for about the last 4 months. Luckily the 'kids' do sort her trash and pull out the items that are not garbage. Now she has dementia, she doesn't remember nor care that she's throwing things out.
Personally, I'd take the purge over hoarding!
First, I'd ask her why she is tossing things. It could be because she feels she has too much and can't find certain things, it could be that she is bored, it could be that she read somewhere that it is good to toss things to make it easier on loved ones after her passing, many different reasons.
Do you tell her that you want the stuff? If your haven't, make it clear to her that you want the stuff that she is throwing out and to consult you before tossing it.
If her answers are vague, I would begin to remove everything of your interest from her sphere, and keep it somewhere she doesn't see/find it, even if it means renting a storage locker. If she starts removing your stuff, then it is either get a caregiver to watch her when you are not around or sleeping, or remove her from that area (respite or managed care home).
You are correct. Having to fish things out of trash cans or elsewhere is very stressful, almost like theft. So either you need to get her to quit doing this (doctor or reasoning) or you will have to have someone watching over her more carefully.
I'm sorry....
My 95 yo mother, who passed 2 years ago, decided she didn't need alot of her 'stuff', and started giving 'stuff' away to neighbors and other 'nice' people she met/encountered because they liked something or admired something. When it was time to clean out her place, SO much stuff was missing that I would have wanted. It was gradually so that I didn't notice so much of it (her place for an overfill of stuff) One neighbor actually gave me back a whole bunch of stuff.