I wish my mother would just die already! I feel so bad saying and feeling and thinking that way. But my god I’m tired and overwhelmed. I’m getting depressed more and anxious than usual. The other night I had a panic attack and couldn’t breathe. I work a full time job that is very demanding and I have a 12 year old daughter. I’m not married single and all my siblings are dead. I have no help with my besides during the day when I’m at work but even that is stressful because it’s friends and family and they want to be paid. I can’t afford home care nurse for her but I’m currently researching how to get her in an assisted living home because I can’t live like this. She has been sick all summer since emergency surgery in June. She has a colostomy bag that has been taking up so much time and energy and it’s gross and stinks. She can’t walk or do anything for herself since June when she had the surgery. She was in rehabilitation facility up until Friday last week. Now I’m stuck having to care for her on my weekends and when I’m not at work. Honestly I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to care for her. This is too much. Too much work and responsibility! I can’t even care for myself anymore. I feel overwhelmed to the max and exhausted with all her meds. Having to feed her, change her disgusting bag and everything else. I wish she would just die so I didn’t have to deal with this anymore.
So please don’t feel bad for feeling like you do. Many of us have had the same thoughts as you have.
It’s heartbreaking to watch family members declining. It’s exhausting as well. It starts to consume our lives.
You have a lot on your plate with your mom. You’re a mom. I’m sure that you want to spend more time with your child.
Your profile says that you are working and caring for your mom. It’s hard to juggle everything.
Have you contacted Council on Aging in your area to discuss your mother’s concerns? They can do an assessment of her needs and make recommendations for her.
I understand that your budget is tight and hiring someone to help isn’t in reach right now.
What about your mom? Does she have any additional money that she could spend on a caregiver?
Have you considered placement in a nursing home?
I hope that you are able to find a viable solution for care soon, so you can return to being your mom’s daughter again instead of her caregiver.
And being that you're wishing her dead, you certainly shouldn't be one of her caregivers, as she deserves better than that.
Not everyone is cut out to be a caregiver and that's ok. We all know our limits.
So instead of wishing her dead why don't you now work with a social worker in getting your mother placed in a long term facility, where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you can get back to just being her child and advocate.
And of course if money is an issue she can apply for Medicaid.
Best wishes in getting your mother placed ASAP.
Have you contacted MediCare to see if they can provide/cover a visiting nurse to deal with her colostomy care? I'm not familiar with this, just suggesting this as a possible option.
Then I would talk to her doctor to see if she qualifies for LTC. This is important because, in most states, Medicaid covers LTC if she qualifies medically and financially.
Your wishing her to die is hopefully just a symptom of your burnout. You are not obligated to care for her. If it is your home, you should do everything to move her out and let the county deal with her. If it is her home, I would consider moving out and reporting her to APS as a vulnerable adult. You and your child are the priority, not your Mom. You aren't obligated to be her full-time caregiver. I would see your role currently as helping her get the care she needs from someone/somewhere else and NOT you. You don't have to tell her this is your plan. Just do what it takes to get this in motion. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey!
Home care doesn't work.
If Mom ends up in the hospital for any reason, do not take her home . Tell them you can no longer care for her and she needs to be placed in a nursing home .
From your profile:
“I am caring for my mother N, who is 73 years old, living at home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, depression, and incontinence.”
Your poor mom is not very old, and unless I missed something, seems to have serious but chronic conditions that can go on a long time. I can understand how the prospect of possibly another decade or two of this is completely intolerable.
I hope you can find a more reasonable and sustainable solution for the whole family. Thinking of you.
If Mom, for some reason goes to the hospital in the meantime, tell them you cannot care for her any longer. Neither she nor you can afford in home care. With your responsibilities, you cannot care for her so she needs to go directly from the hospital to LTC and Medicaid applied for. The Hospital has Social Workers to help you. Be firm, you cannot take care of her and in home is not an option. Your daughter is #1 priority at this point.
Sincerely; Kim1313
1. Does mother live alone?
2. Does Mother have dementia? Or is she competent to make her own decisions?
3. Why is it you care for her on weekends only if there is no one else. WHO cares for her the rest of the week?
4. Is there a POA? Because if there is not, then no one has power to make decisions for placement.
We need clear information about the current mental status of your mother, and informatioon on who currently lives with her and cares for her. We need to know who is POA if she is not able to make her own decisions.
If she IS able to make her own decisions then she should not be enabled in staying in current unsafe situation. By that I mean if she is able to make the decision to go home alone then she needs to understand fully that she is responsible for herself and her care. When that doesn't work a readmission will happen, and placement can proceed from THERE dependent on answers to the questions above.
Clearly there needs now to be placement, but the window of opportunity has closed in which she was in rehab, from which placement would have been most easily arranged by social workers working with family.. Who was making the discharge planning decisions at that time?
Who was involved in her discharge home?
I understand you are justifiably distraught and overwhelmed, but without clear information we cannot help with advice. I am so sorry you are going through this now.