Anybody feel like they have been saddled with being responsible for their parent's happiness?

I understand feeling like you want to run away and feeling the weight of being responsible for your parent's happiness. It can actually feel like something you physically drag around. I believe since you have awareness that you have sacrificed some of your own happiness to benefit your parent, it might be a signal to start tending to your own needs. You deserve to continue building a dynamic life with your husband and friends, and to develop your career. It is okay for you to make yourself and your life your first priority. Your dad is being cared for and it sounds like your mother's needs at this point are mostly emotional. As long as she is safe and getting her medical and physical needs met, whatever else you offer her is your choice.

There is no reason for you to feel guilty.  We simply cannot be responsible for another's happiness.  That is something that a person has to work at for themselves.  Not something anyone can go to Amazon and just buy.  They themselves have to work at it. If she does not want to socialize, spend time and effort with others, well of course she will be lonely.  But you are not the answer - with her personality and outlook on life, you could not make her happy so no point in futile trying. She needs to go to the roots of her unhappiness and change her thinking. It really is on her to change - if you try to pacify her, it would be very temporary and would enable her to put off making the kind of changes that would really help.  And I've found it is a mistake to "keep the peace" in someone else's marriage.  Mostly because the peace is not really there in the first place.

I have a "Debbie Downer" friend. Any "friends" she has I really think its because people feel sorry for her. I know one who takes her to appts but doesn't enjoy it. Another lives miles away but calls her every few days because she knows the friend is lonely and feels sorry for her.

Now this friend does have medical problems that make her homebound. But she is homebound because of choices she has made. She also has unreal expectations about people. Because she has said or done something she is estranged from one son. The other keeps in touch but lives far enough away he doesn't visit much. Do you feel when you walk into a house where there are friends gathered that they all should clammer to say Hi. She does. (I was in the same group and didn't feel that way) Because of her expectations, she is unhappy. Right now I am waiting for an apology for a phone call she made excusing me of not informing her about a lunch she was not invited to. First, misinformation, there was no lunch. And second, I am not responsible for her social calender. She knows the truth now, but hasn't called me.

You will never make Mom happy. Especially if she has been this way all her life. Tell her she needs to move where there are activities and transporation. You cannot be there all the time. You have a job and a social life. Sorry, but DH is ur priority.

Please don't feel bad you are enjoying life. Mom has made choices that now she is paying for.

You can call 911 next time she threatens suicide and say she is a danger to herself and potentially others. Have her committed for a 72 hour watch. Then tell them she can't live with you and she lives alone, this could be the trigger that gets her placed.

It's bs that she is manipulating you with the threat of suicide, don't buy into it. She is right where she wants to be and the saying that misery loves company is oh so true. You don't have to be that company, take those shackles off and live your life.

She has done it her way and wants to continue to. Which is fine, as long as she does it and doesn't strap you down with her hatefulness and expect you to give her "independence".

Whooooaaa????

She threatens SUICIDE if you set a boundary with her?

Back to square one.

YOU are not responsible for your mother's happiness. SHE is

She is responsible for her financial upkeep.

You can help her find resources but are not responsible for hands on care or emotional upkeep.

Read up on Fear, Obligation and Guilt. That's what is in play here.

You have to do what is best for both of you...and cant sacrifice it all for her because in the end, both of you will suffer. I CHOSE to care for my parents because its how I wanted to see them thru till the end......Up until several yrs ago, both mom and dad were pretty independent ie food shopping, cooking, laundry, yard work, drs appts....but that changed 2 yrs ago - moms health started to decline and she couldn't walk out alone so I started spending several nights per week with them in Brooklyn ie I live in Manhattan.....I started taking both of them to most of their many appts, food shopping and medication/insurance management...mom still cooks and laundry....last yr dad got really ill after a hip fracture and died.....it was life altering for mom - they use to fight all the time and now she is besides herself with 'missing' him...they were married 60 yrs he was almost 90 when he died and mom is 87....I now spend 6 nights per week with her and continue with drs appts, medications, food shopping, etc.....she cant be alone at night......I work PT now after a 30 yr career of fulltime work..im 58 and its how I want to see it thru to the end with mom.....its a personal choice.....I know if it gets harder where she cant cook/laundry - it might change but cant think that far ahead …..again, you have to make your own choices - there is no right or wrong..

Threatening suicide is "Emotional Blackmail." Your mom is using it to control you and make you feel guilty for the way She is and for Her situation. This is not your problem. Yes, you can help mom find resources, but that is it.

There is nothing for you to feel guilty for. Your mom had her time now it is your turn. If you have to remind yourself this every time you are out having fun or you are simply sitting home with a good book or watching a movie. This is your time; your life!

Here are some Life Rules:
1) We can not control other people, we only have control over ourselves. Which beings me to my next rule.
2) The only person we can make happy is ourselves. We are responsible for our own happiness.
3) GUILT, if you did nothing wrong; did nothing to hurt your mom or anyone else there is nothing to feel guilty about. So stop feeling guilty your mom choose to live this way.
4) You can't help people who don't want to help themselves.


Just my 2 cents!

I'm an only child too and yes, I feel as if I'm responsible for my mom's happiness as well! My father passed away 11 years ago and when he was alive, all she did was call and complain to me about him. Now that he has been gone, she's miserable too! She's in AL right now and calls me all of the time w/ this problem and that problem. I can tell that she's been crying on the phone and I'm so miserable! Just a few days ago she told me that she wanted to go home and just die there. Keep in mind, my mom is only 76. I feel for you!!

You are defining a co-dependent relationship here 100%. How do I know, you ask? Because you wrote MY story! I'm an only child, too (at 62 years old, for petesake), and my mother has made me the focus of her entire life, calling it 'love' and 'caring'. All of her chronic worrying is caring, too, dontcha know? And all the rest of the BS 24/7. My parents followed me all around the country until my ex got a job offer in NYC........that's when they moved to FL since they couldn't afford to live back East. I was finally able to BREATHE. Fast forward to 2011. Dad had 3 back-to-back car accidents and could no longer drive; mom, of course, refused to do the driving, why should she, after all? SHE is the queen and should be chauffeured around, yada yada. So, I had to move them out here to Colorado to an independent senior apartment complex about 6 miles from my home. Dad proceeded to go downhill, falling & breaking his hip in 2014. That led to a brain tumor diagnosis and placement for both of them in an Assisted Living Facility. I had to liquidate all of their assets, put them in my name, and take over their financial care as well as everything else. Dad was a wonderful man, and I was happy to help. Mom, not so much. Anyway, dad passed in 2015 and mom is still alive & living in the same ALF, going downhill faster than a bowling ball on an ice covered mountain. Her tongue, unfortunately, is still as sharp as a razor and the ugliest thing I've ever had the displeasure to witness. We, my children and I, never, EVER do enough for her. We are supposed to be her entertainment committee as well as her sounding board for the chronic, non-stop complaints she vents 24/7. She hates everybody and has no friends, even though she acts so lovey dovey to everyone's face. Behind their backs it's another story entirely. Since I'm never good enough, I feel guilty on a daily basis......not that it makes sense, it doesn't. But I will be made to feel badly until the day she passes away, that's just the way it goes....it's what she WANTS. I do what I can, in addition to taking her to doctors, paying all of her bills, orchestrating all of her care, etc etc etc, but in her mind, I don't spend enough time entertaining her, that's the issue. She'll call me on a Sunday very angry, saying she's been sitting around all day. Meanwhile, there's a bunch of things going on at the ALF that she chooses NOT to do, for one reason or another. The bottom line is this: I am NOT responsible for her happiness and you are not responsible for your mother's happiness either. As far as the 'suicide threat' goes, it's bs, you know that. Mine will say she is going to jump out the window, and I'll remind her that wouldn't do the job b/c she lives on the ground floor of the building. Just let the drama go in one ear and out the other, and look into placing her into a senior apartment building where she'll have NO EXCUSE not to entertain herself. At least that will help YOU deal with the guilt a bit more.

If it makes you feel any better, there is rarely a day that goes by where I don't find myself saying I want to RUN AWAY and leave no forwarding address. That's the sad truth. I'm not going anywhere, but I do feel your pain, my friend.

Best of luck. It's not easy, is it?

Your mother is clinging onto her best option, irrespective of the fact that it is crushing you. She is not going to change this while this stays true. Your best interests are not top of her priority list! You have to stop doing what you are doing that makes this her best option. If she suicides, it will be her choice for which you are not responsible – and you can make that clear to her. Think of ways to drop down your own ‘niceness’ and to make AL seem more attractive than what you provide.

Upstream, of course she's most content when you are working on your "to-do" list, she feels in control.

You responded to another poster that she calls when you are out and pulls her poor me, I have no friends. I would not answer the phone or if you feel compelled to, you can always say, well, I am not you and if you don't stop this you won't have me either.

Sometimes we need to shock their system and then let them stew and chew on it a few days and reiterate as often as needed.

Everything you describe is from personal choices, she is the only one that should be paying those prices. Having a life and being happy is nothing to feel guilty about, she chose how she would live her life, she doesn't get to choose how you live yours. She's overstepping and you can set the boundaries to keep her from making your life like hers.

You can do it!

I definitely felt that way for a while. My dad is never happy, no matter what anyone does or where he is. The running joke amongst our family is that he would think Buckingham Palace was a dump and all the chefs, butlers and maids would be incompetent. I gave up. He too pulled the death card, threatening hunger strikes, taking all the pills in his pill minder, he should just die type stuff. Called his bluff tho when it got real in an ER asking if he wanted a DNR...nope, he wants all things to save his life. Last time he said he'd go on a hunger strike and die he was told that would be his choice. He shaped up a bit. Live your life. If mom is being cared for in her basic things, then that's the end of your responsibilities. She has to live with the consequences of the choices she's made.

Does not matter if you are an only child. I have siblings and do it alone. So don’t think people with siblings are fair and take turns. Most times that doesn’t happen.

Don’t let her manipulate you. After awhile it will drive you batty. Trust me, I have been there.

We can’t bend over far enough for them. Can’t jump high enough, and on and on. In other words, it is never enough. So just stop fighting a losing battle.

I made things a lot harder for myself when all I did was try to please my mom. I feel so much better letting her know that I am going to value myself too.

I spent the entire day at Jazz Fest last Sunday and my brother who is never around stayed with her. I didn’t even call to check on anything. I had the time of my life! Was wonderful.

As soon as I got home she tried to make me pay for having fun. I walked away. I guess my brother complained, poor thing, he had to spend the whole day with mom. I do it everyday! Ask me if I care if he got tired? Sorry for the sarcasm. No, I am not. Hahaha.

As far as being responsible for your parents happiness. When you find that magic wand let me borrow it please. I used to try different tactics like you. It drains a person. So I quit!

I came out and told my mom that it was her prerogative if she wanted to excessively worry, be upset, miserable, whatever, but not to expect me to join her.

I’m talking about stupid crap. My brother got so many tickets that his insurance went up. He can’t afford it. Had to sell his truck.

She wants to fret over his riding his motorcycle to work in the rain, heat or cold. He can Uber if it’s horrible weather. Geeeeez, did she ever once say anything to me about the cold and rainy days when I walked to school everyday. Give me a break!

She even asked me to drive him to work in the horrible weather. She babies him and never gives a second thought to me. Whenever I have pointed that out, she has the nerve to say that she loved us all the same. Hey, I am glad I wasn’t babied because I became responsible and took care of myself. My brother is 61 and still can’t care for himself.

Once they know you’re not going to bite, they shut up, not permanently but for a short while anyway. Can’t feed into it.

It is a favorite pastime to be negative and miserable. We would rather them be happy but their normal is to be abnormal! So be it! Just don’t join in. Ever! You’ll be sorry. You’ll get to see a different reaction. It’s quite disturbing to them not to get a rise out of you, so they get bored and then we get a break from the nonsense drama.

I am the original poster and I would like to thank everyone for responding. I feel guilty when I set boundaries and try to live my best life. Her (and my dad's) misery is always running in the back of my mind. Your responses assure me that it's OK to be happy and leave the dark cloud to hang out in the air alone while I do so. Thank you all!