My dad has had a diagnosis of dementia for about 7 years. His decline has been gradual until recently when I notice changes monthly. My mom has been his caregiver until about a year and a half ago when they moved to assisted living. My dad is generally happy even though he has a hard time communicating. Random words just come out that make no sense. My mom has had some mood swings over the last year. The first was last July after the family reunion when she accused me of pushing her away and not letting her look at the reunion book and of being disrespectful. Didn’t happen. Over the last two months she has been very negative and complains about everything. The staff has recommended that they move to memory care so she can get more help with my dad. She is angry that they took her meds away from her and says they don’t give her any help. When told to push her call button she says it takes too long for them to get there. She has no patience with my dad and is the source of much of his frustration. The last time I visited was on my dad’s birthday. She was happy to see me at first but the next day she told me I irritate her and she barely spoke to me the rest of the weekend. I might add that I am the only child, live 5 hours away and both parents are in their 90’s. I could go on but you get the jest.
My dad started having dementia symptoms over 5 years ago. They moved to a senior apartment a mile from my house. Mom helped with Dad...at first. Then about 2 years ago mom got a dementia diagnosis as well.
I miss having my mom as an ally in caring for my Dad. Now they both gang up on me..where is the car? Why cant we go back to the house? They think the others at the memory care are worse off then them because they use walkers. (Even tho my Dad uses a walker and a cane)
Just today my mom said she was so glad her and my Dad are healthy and still have there mental ability. Then a few minutes later asks if i have heard from her deceased brother...today was a rough visit.
Mom lost her ability to see my Dads dementia like she did a few years ago...dealing with both together is a real challenge.
Its caregiving squared...lol.
They now live 3 doors down from us, and we've cobbled together our own DIY version of assisted living. It's working, so far. We feel they are safe and being well cared for. Our teenaged son drives her back and forth to dialysis each week and does their lawn maintenance. We hired a companion to take them to run errands and out to eat 2 days a week. We hired a service to come in each morning to help with morning routines, personal hygiene, breakfast, and light housekeeping. The maid comes every other week. I handle meds, finances, and FIL's medical appts. Husband is in charge of his Mom's medical appts, oversees home/auto maintenance, and makes any big decisions.
It's not easy, but we're in a good routine that's working for all of us. This would be almost impossible to manage if they still lived hours away. Moving them from their hometown was NOT ideal. They miss it. But in Reality Land, my husband couldn't keep taking time off from work to run back and forth three states away every time there was a crisis.
My heart goes out to you, MAFlatt. It sounds as if your Mom is no longer capable of being your Dad's primary caregiver. You're probably going to have to figure out how to take more control of directing their care -- whether that's moving them closer to you or monitoring from afar. Either way, your Mom needs more support. Listen to the staff at their facility. They are telling you that your parents need a higher level of care.
Since the accident with the beans, they both have declined mentality. She gets confused and says the strangest things. (as does he) The two of them get into yelling matches on a daily basis. I feel like I'm taking care of 2 year olds!
Finding this website has been a life saver for me!! I am not alone in the struggles of a caregiver.
He drives to our house, takes him an hour as he takes the back roads, once or twice a week. We do not like him driving, my husband offers to pick him up and drop him off, but he declines. His daughter comes from out of state once every six weeks. She says his driving is still fine.
We also care for my mother in law. She lives a block away from us. We check on her twice a day. We take her shopping, to doctors, etc. She doesn't speak much English and can not drive.
My dad passed away years ago, but I still check in on my step mom too. She is still very independent so I just check on her once a week. She lives 2 hours away, but has no children so there is only me and her niece that check on her.
Add all the elders to the mix with adult children and the grandchildren and we have very busy lives....but I wouldn't change it! I love having such a close family.
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