Anyone dealing with both parents in mental decline?

Has there been any formal assessment of your mother's mental state?

I think as our parents age there are issues... With both our all look them. My mom, stage 7 Alzheimer's, has lived with us for over 2 years. But we still worry and care to a lesser degree for my step dad. He lives 40 minutes away. We drag mom there once a week. I cook dinner, make sure to make a few things for him to eat for the rest of the week. We also talk to him each morning and evening.

He drives to our house, takes him an hour as he takes the back roads, once or twice a week. We do not like him driving, my husband offers to pick him up and drop him off, but he declines. His daughter comes from out of state once every six weeks. She says his driving is still fine.

We also care for my mother in law. She lives a block away from us. We check on her twice a day. We take her shopping, to doctors, etc. She doesn't speak much English and can not drive.

My dad passed away years ago, but I still check in on my step mom too. She is still very independent so I just check on her once a week. She lives 2 hours away, but has no children so there is only me and her niece that check on her.

Add all the elders to the mix with adult children and the grandchildren and we have very busy lives....but I wouldn't change it! I love having such a close family.

We are. My husband is an only child. FIL has Alzheimer's - late middle stages and declining rapidly. MIL is in end stage renal failure and has dialysis 3x a week. She has no formal dementia diagnosis, but she definitely has some cognitive impairment (problem solving, judgement, etc.) Both are mid-80's. They lived 6 hrs away, weren't supposed to be driving, both needed assistance, and REFUSED to move to a facility. As is usually the case, it all came to a head two years ago during an acute medical crisis. At the insistence of the doctors, nurses, social workers, and my husband, the FINALLY agreed to move to our town.

They now live 3 doors down from us, and we've cobbled together our own DIY version of assisted living. It's working, so far. We feel they are safe and being well cared for. Our teenaged son drives her back and forth to dialysis each week and does their lawn maintenance. We hired a companion to take them to run errands and out to eat 2 days a week. We hired a service to come in each morning to help with morning routines, personal hygiene, breakfast, and light housekeeping. The maid comes every other week. I handle meds, finances, and FIL's medical appts. Husband is in charge of his Mom's medical appts, oversees home/auto maintenance, and makes any big decisions.

It's not easy, but we're in a good routine that's working for all of us. This would be almost impossible to manage if they still lived hours away. Moving them from their hometown was NOT ideal. They miss it. But in Reality Land, my husband couldn't keep taking time off from work to run back and forth three states away every time there was a crisis.

My heart goes out to you, MAFlatt. It sounds as if your Mom is no longer capable of being your Dad's primary caregiver. You're probably going to have to figure out how to take more control of directing their care -- whether that's moving them closer to you or monitoring from afar. Either way, your Mom needs more support. Listen to the staff at their facility. They are telling you that your parents need a higher level of care.

Thank you for your answers. I might add that they were moved to memory care about a month ago. My mom, who has always had control issues, has become uncooperative with the staff because she is losing control of things that are not allowed in memory care, i.e. over the counter drugs, sewing machine , scissors, needles, etc. She is very angry with me and I'm not sure she even wants to talk to me at all. She was all on board for moving to memory care until they got there and she found out she could not self administer her meds. I hate to step away from my sweet dad but I no longer want to accept her verbal abuse.

Grammyteacher....God bless you is all I can say

MA, I echo CountryMouse's question...has there been a formal evaluation of your mother's mental state?

It's so easy to say to yourself "oh, mom's really always been this way" (we did that). When the truth of the matter is that something has happened, usually a small stroke or something that has caused mom's thinking to become disordered.

There is NO putting it right permanently, but sometimes meds like antidepressants can help. Get her seen by a geriatric psychiatrist, or a behavioral neurologist and see what they think.

I have been both of my parents caregiver for about three years. they have dementia, alztimers, incontinence and much more. I also care for my husband for the last seven years with parkinsons disease and now we just found out he has prostrate cancer. I cared for all three of them in our home 24/7. it went from canes, to walkers, to wheelchairs and than bedridden. it was hard at times to handle the decline but at 92 years old I knew it was not going to get any better. I prepared myself for the worst which did happen recently. dad passed about two months ago and mom passed a week after dad.. I still care for my husband. being a care giver for a loved one or more is a demanding, painful, stressful, and draining job to do. it just wears you down. In my case I would say that thru it all I became so close to my parents than I had ever been.The love we shared just in that time out weighs any of the negativity I dealt with. I would do it again without any doubts. I miss them both so much....

I have been caregiver for both my parents with dementia and they moved to memory care this summer.

My dad started having dementia symptoms over 5 years ago. They moved to a senior apartment a mile from my house. Mom helped with Dad...at first. Then about 2 years ago mom got a dementia diagnosis as well.

I miss having my mom as an ally in caring for my Dad. Now they both gang up on me..where is the car? Why cant we go back to the house? They think the others at the memory care are worse off then them because they use walkers. (Even tho my Dad uses a walker and a cane)

Just today my mom said she was so glad her and my Dad are healthy and still have there mental ability. Then a few minutes later asks if i have heard from her deceased brother...today was a rough visit.

Mom lost her ability to see my Dads dementia like she did a few years ago...dealing with both together is a real challenge.

Its caregiving squared...lol.

Mom does not have an official diagnosis of dementia even though she has recently been to her doctor. She is very good at putting on a good front for others but her armor is beginning to crack.

MA, no one in my family thought anything was wrong with mom. The geriatric psychiatrist who was treating her insisted that we her complete evaluation of her cognitive skills. a neuropsychologist, neurologist and psychiatric nurse practioner found that she had had a stroke, resulting in mild cognitive impairment. It explained a lot about her constant anxiety, and it got other family members on board with mom's impairments being real.

I was just where you are and my story is so multi faceted that it's too long for here. My father was in an ALF with dementia so that my brother and I could work and my mother ended up in the hospital worn down to the nub and went from 3 to 5 stage renal failure within a few weeks. Her state of mind was impaired when she came with my husband and I to live. Dad passed and then Mom went 54 days later. She was off her rocker especially after he passed, not to mention dialysis took a huge toll on her mentally and physically. She decided not to go to dialysis and it was a rough three weeks on me....with her, medical personnel and finally hospice. My mother and I were like gasoline and fire when I was a teen and it pretty much went back to that for roughly three weeks. Thank God for hospice clarity which she had roughly an hour of, or I would probably be in a rubber room somewhere. It's now sifting through all the paperwork and so forth. My mother wouldn't think of she and my father working to easier.....they were in their home until March of this year. Any talk of that was squelched by her. I look at it now as they are both at peace. I pray if you can get them help that you do it. It was me who handled everything and it took a toll.

Is it possible that stress and depression are getting to her? She may be struggling with her own diminishing ability to deal with your Dad's needs on the day to day. In addition to watching her husband decline, she's gone from her own home to a different kind of living arrangement at the cost of her own independence. She may be frustrated, exhausted, and resentful as many of us get sometimes, minus her usual support systems and her independence, on top of adjusting however ungraciously to a new way of living. At 90 + that's a lot of change to handle. That might explain her mood swings and her misinterpretation of incidents,like you describe.  She may be allowing her resentment of the whole situation to color everything in her life.  Does she have the opportunity to go on outings, to see friends? Is she engaged with life outside the assisted living facility?

It might also be that your Mom is tired, frustrated, and feeling the loss of her husband. So when she gets frustrated she says or does things to vent that frustration.
If your Mom is doing well otherwise why not move Dad into memory care and leave your Mom in assisted living. This way she can visit but not be the main caregiver. She can be his Wife again and enjoy a visit.
If she has a diagnosis consistent with Dementia then memory care might be good for her as well but I would not place her there just to be with her husband.

I get it. I am a caregiver for both my parents... Both have started with dementia and don't believe me when I try tell them. Praying praying praying

Yes, there are folks on here in this position. Each family has their own way of handling it depending on degree of dementia, resources, significant other’s health, physical ability, logistics, and patience. Through trial and error you discover what works. There are pros and cons to whatever path you chose. From personal experience , my advice to you is to take care of yourself first no matter what is going on with the folks. If you start to get I’ll, over burdened or too stressed, then there will be 3 people in need of assistance. Again, whatever decision you make in the degree you can help will have pros and cons. You must do what feels right for you and your situation. Hugs to you. If your folks are ok with hugs, I’ve found that this non verbal communication seems to offer reassurance to your loved ones, especially when you don’t know what to do.

Yep! Never in my wildest dreams did I think I'd be caring for my 93 year old in-laws. They were pretty much self-sufficient until this past May after my MIL burnt her leg from dropping a pan of scalding beans on her. Of course we've been doing their shopping and taking them to doctor appointment. Now, we don't allow her to cook and we make sure they eat 3 meals a day.

Since the accident with the beans, they both have declined mentality. She gets confused and says the strangest things. (as does he) The two of them get into yelling matches on a daily basis. I feel like I'm taking care of 2 year olds!

Finding this website has been a life saver for me!! I am not alone in the struggles of a caregiver.

I know it's almost impossible but try not to take her treatment of you so personally. Even if she was always hard on you or it seemed to be her nature to be contrary this current behavior may have nothing to do with that. First off we are always hardest on those we are closest to, the people we love and trust, the ones we know we can take our frustrations out on and they will still love us and we are rarely aware that's what we are doing in the moment. Of course when Dementia in any form is involved and even when it isn't (less evolved people) sometimes the self realization that we have been unfair on someone we love isn't apt to happen. Dementia affects each patient differently, some forms more than others but still all forms often bring out negativity, mean behavior and short temper. Knowing it's part of the disease doesn't make it any better or alleviate the pain of being the brunt of this behavior but trying to remember that it's coming from that diseased part of her brain rather than her heart might make it easier in some way.

It sounds like your mom has a lot of scary changes happening, things she has no control over and she is used to having a lot of control and responsibility. She has both organic changes going on as well as the changes to her husband and life, I can see why she might try to hold on to everything she can, get angry when things are "taken away" and then loose control of that anger because of her disease. Again not saying that makes it any better or easier to take really, you too are living through a lot of changes and loss here. Moving to memory care probably made a lot of sense and was ok with her, I mean it was necessary for your dad. But neither you or your mom may have understood it would mean giving up things that are part of her life blood like her sewing. Releasing the control and responsibility (it's not just the control exactly) for her meds was a really hard one with my mom too. Medical professionals kept pointing out to her that it would make life so much easier for her, why not let someone else have the headache and I couldn't really understand why she fought it so hard either (she and I had some big blow ups over meds, she is diabetic on top of her other issues) especially when it wasn't being presented as something she wasn't capable of taking care of reliable (though this was the case), I still don't completely though I do get that giving up that responsibility is somehow part of it. There is also this inherent mistrust or feeling of mistrust that goes both ways which is why your ability to remove yourself from the equation is helpful. Perhaps if you can get her to focus on the need for your dad to be in MC and her giving up these things, because they are requirements of everyone living there, is her doing the things necessary to take care of him it is not focused on her. Is there perhaps a place at the facility that her sewing can be set up where she can use her machine and needles that isn't in their apartment but more like a daily activity choice that is "supervised"? Just a thought, she can't be the only elder who's life has identified with sewing. I hadn't thought about the sewing and sewing machine being a possible problem in a care facility, my fathers wife has always been a sewer and I can see that as being a huge issue in the future possibly...yikes! But maybe identifying with her and at least making inquiries and trying to work something out, making sure your mom is aware of your efforts and hears your surprise as well would help her not blame you so directly. Of course as the only child you are the only one she can "blame" that has some control in her view. I so worry about my son who is also an only child, I count my blessing on a regular basis for my brothers as we go through this journey with my mom (just mom for the moment).

I know it feels that way but you aren't alone, so many people here have very similar experiences and talk about the abuse they receive. Remember to reach out here as well as to your extended family, partners and friends because in fact we have the family we are born to and we have our chosen family, our individual village as it were. Use them to vent, reach out and don't do this all on your own.

MAFlatt, I am so sorry to read what you're dealing with right now. I have learned, through my therapist, to look at it more as the parent has now become the child. We are all experiencing what our parents had to put up with when we were children and threw tantrums; we just can't spank, place in time out or ground them.

I am the middle child...yes people there is a middle child syndrome even though parents refuse to acknowledge. We are the ones who take all of the ups/downs, anger issues etc that should be directed toward the sibling who caused the situation.

Your Mother doesn't realize due to her condition, that nursing care facilities are required to remove RX from the patient by law. She is used to doing things on her own and doesn't accept the fact that she needs help; Moms are wired that way.

Your Dad, he is ok in his mind, he just can't express what he has to say because of his illness. When my husband's grandmother had Alzheimer's and in a really nice facility, family would most times ignore her motions or attempts to say something. I would watch her and try to figure out what she was trying to say or do.

The one occasion that stays with me was when we were all at the nursing facility for her birthday. She was sitting in a wheel chair that was almost like a baby chair so she wouldn't fall out of it.

She kept wiggling around a bit and then I saw a tear going down her cheek. I went to her and whispered asking if she had gone potty in her panties; I never called them diapers as she was a very classy, Julliard trained pianist etc. She just looked up at me with an expression telling me that was exactly what had happened. I called a nursing assistant over and quietly explained what had happened. The rest of the family, once they saw Nanny being wheeled out, were all like where are they taking her and why.

You are seeing several types of behavior between your parents. Mom being upset with Dad regarding having taken care of him prior, not being able to communicate with him any longer. Mom isn't in control of her life any more. She views the nursing staff as an intrusion of her personal space. Dementia causes extreme frustration along with anger and anxiety.

Your Dad is very frustrated because he knows what is going on. He hears your Mother saying things that may be very hurtful to him, but he just can't express how or what he too is feeling. He may be trying to tell your Mom to shut up and leave you alone and that everything that is happening has absolutely nothing to do with you.

You are the only whipping post your Mom has when you're there. Trust me, if you speak with the facility manager you will get the big picture of what your Mom does to the caregivers.

As my therapist tells me all of the time, do your best not to become angry with the parent giving you the grief. Let them express what they have to say and remember that it is the disease that is talking not your Mom. Nod with acknowledgement even though you know it's not the truth. Apologize just to give her the satisfaction.

#1 thing is do not take it personally even though that is the toughest part. You are no longer able to control the situation that is going on in her mind and coming out her mouth or the attitude she has now.

Please talk with the care facility manager. Have him/her provide you with what has been notated in their records. Make sure that they are getting their meds at the proper times during the day. Instruct the management that you are to be contacted immediately (you most likely have done this) should things become too extreme. That is the time for the decision about moving them behind the "door".

You're really doing well with this. It truly hurts seeing one's parents coming to the end of their earthly life. It's also a struggle for them as they may fear that they didn't accomplish what they wanted in life or regret what they may have done and can't close that part of their lives.

You're going into a great depression. I know what this can do to someone who has always been there for Mom and Dad. Find a therapist so that you have someone who is professionally trained to help teach you how to cope with this part of your parent's lives. You will also have someone who truly listens, not another family member who only sits there and lets you blow off steam etc. You may even look into groups for people that are going through this in their lives too.

There isn't one true answer for any of this. It doesn't really matter what all of us tell you on these posts; they are only suggestions to try to ease your concerns.

I hope that I have helped in some way. I do ask that you don't let this bury you under self guilt and questioning yourself what else you could do or didn't do.

You need to take care of yourself too, both body and mind.

I agree with Grandma1954 about separating them. There was a couple in the memory care wing my mother was in, and they did not get along very well. It seemed like each thought that the other was wrong about virtually everything. There was a lot of yelling and some physical aggression. The husband was farther along in the dementia journey, so the wife was moved back to the AL wing, although she was able to join her husband for meals and activities in the memory care wing.

I´m an only child caring for both parents. Dad has dementia in early stages, and Mom used to care for him until she started with short memory issues last year. She was also diagnosed with leukemia. This year I moved them both into my house to help care both of them. I had to hire a caregiver because it´s hard, and even more than that, it´s just imposible to do it alone. Find as much help as you can is the key.

Morning. First of all this website is the greatest thing. Never would I believe that this many people are dealing with the same thing. I too, had both parents. Dad going blind(glaucoma) vas dementia, diabetes, mom (can't hear a thing), dementia. I felt so bad, and now looking back I wanted to save them. Take care of them make them happy again. But all it did was kill me. Real family dynamics. Only one person caring. Dad died a year and a half ago. Moms alone. Maybe her dementia is a coping thing for her. We have 24/7 care in the home. I run in three times a week get her out. I now have somewhat of a general routine, and I am going to roll with that for now.
My point to you is...use your parents resources for them...take some of the stress off of you. Make sure their safe, and cared for. Aging is part of life...we're all on the same path. We don't have to fully give ourselves up to experience. My prayers are for you and also some good luck.