I don't know how to put it, but honest to God, there is a tone of voice my father uses when he "asks" (aka "tells") me to do something that is like nails on a chalkboard.
I think it's partly because when he worked he was a manager of a large department in a big company and he was used to "asking" people to do things in a way that made it clear it was an order, and now he's treating me like an employee. But ugh!
For example, we bought him a nice one cup coffee maker for his assisted living room and he broke it. (He breaks a lot of stuff). The way he told me: "That coffee maker your husband got me? It crapped out after like ten cups of coffee! I need a new one."
Or, even before he says hello! "I need you to go to Target and get me some things."
I really feel like I would be less frustrated if he asked more nicely. I mean, I have a teenager at home and she asks for things more politely! It seems petty, but it's very draining to be spoken to like this. But when I tell him how frustrating it is, he gets mad and says "fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again." (I wish!)
I would tell him to knock it off and grow up when he said that to me. Be mad all you want daddiO but, you will treat me with courtesy at a minimum or you can figure out some other way.
People treat us how we allow them to treat us. Teach him that asking nicely will get far better results than ordering you around.
My dad was very similar and it made him mad to have to ask civilly. Oh well, play nice or I don't play, I am an adult and I am no longer subject to my dads rule. It took him having to take a taxi to finally get the point but, he did get it.
Her filter is gone, due to her damaged brain.
So, she doesn’t say hello, she barks a request.
She can’t remember to have social niceties any longer. It’s just not possible in her case, no matter how often I ask.
Your profile mentioned dementia, so perhaps it’s the case with your Dad, as well.
You need to tell Dad, "I am not one of your employees. Didn't Grandmom teach u to say please and thank you. I would appreciate a please and thank you. All you do is demand. My husband doesn't even do that. So I would appreciate a little respect for the things I do for you. Because...I don't have to, I do it because I want to."
Every time he reverts back. "Nicer please". My MIL always said, "you get attract more bees with honey than you do vinegar". Dad has to realize that the nicer he is the aides will also be willing to do for him. Even with Dementia my Mom was pretty easy going. The aides loved her. Thats how they knew she had a UTI. She hit one with her toothbrush.😊 And there were a couple other things that weren't my Moms normal.
Do you do too much for him? Does he rely on you when he should be relying on the staff. Too many phone calls during the day to you?
If so, you may want to back off a little. I put a white board on Moms frig. Told the aides to list whatever they felt Mom needed. When Mom had one at her house she listed things she needed when she thought about them so I had a list when we went shopping.
Your profile says Dad has a Dementia. I would not replace that coffee maker. He is probably forgetting how to use it or has no idea how to use it. If he is mobile, the Common area probably has coffee going all day and snacks. He can have it at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Maybe even taking one back to his room.
Really, what does Dad need? All I bought for Mom was her Depends, wipes, papertowels, toilet paper, toiletries and clothes if needed. The AL supplied everything else. I left water for her she never thought to drink. But she was in her last stages of Dementia.
Or, you can just ignore him and say "thats Dad". Or say, "Wow, not even a hello, right off to demanding" With Dementia you really don't know what the remember from day to day, minute to minute. They process slower and retain less. You may just have to face this is his normal. Their world becomes small to the point they don't want to leave what is familiar.
The dementia is not yet diagnosed, just suspected, because I have to get him to a doctor who will do that.
I am ridiculously sensitive to any perceived sharp or critical tone, and it has caused me lots of unnecessary stress. I hope you cope better!
All I can say do you best to let it go, it's your mental well being you must protect.
I used to tell him, "You have been with soldiers all day for this deployment and are used to 'ordering' for everything. I have been at home handling everything and I am not used to 'discussing' family decisions with you. You need to remember we are not your soldiers. I need to remember that we share decision-making. Let's try this conversation again."
It usually took a couple of weeks for us to get back into our usual "family mode."
In your case, your dad is probably anxious about "the issue" and he goes into authority mode trying to control the situation. He might respond to trying to alter the conversation to diffuse his anxiety. You might want to soften the start of the visit with one of these:
"Hello to you too Dad. Let me tell you about the latest ______."
"It's so good to see you. The family and I are doing well. I really like ________ (anything pleasant about him). "
"Share something good that happened since I saw you last. Then, we'll talk about solving problems."
If diversion doesn't work, you might suggest that he keep a list of things he "needs done" to give you at the end of each visit. He might also need a mild anti-anxiety medication if this is becoming his usual way of interacting with everybody.
2. I am a pretty firm believer that someone with dementia should be in Memory Care not AL. With the dementia you can explain to him that his requests feel more like demands and he will revert back to the way he has always been.
YOU are going to have to be the one that is going to have to accept that this is the way your dad is and you let it go.
Don't replace items he breaks. You know he will break things. Is mind can not remember how to make things work or to be gentle with things.
If he can make a list of things he needs/wants do shopping for him when you can not when he wants. Take the list with you and pick up items when YOU get a chance.
Tell him how you feel.
I'm sure he means nothing by it as you said that's the way he was at work.
I'm sure he would be willing to try to ask more nicely if he new how he was making you feel.
Personally, I'm never SURE about anything, especially when it comes to giving advice, even if asked. I will, if asked, answer honestly how I personally would handle a theoretical scenario, without advising that the person do the same. I'm thinking that if OP takes your assurance that her dad WILL change 'if he only knew', may lead to false hope that he will change. He may, but he may well not. Sometimes it works, but at least as often, it doesn't. Again, that's been my experience.
It's incredibly ironic in the timing that I read your post and I am happy that I came across it. Seriously - I just got finished speaking to my father - I'm trying to help my parents regarding a 3 foot major basement flood that they had; and an entirely new finished basement needs to be reconstructed as a result of the damage. It's a huge undertaking - dealing with contractors, insurance adjusters, insurance company, renovations, etc. It's taken on a life of its own and a lot of time and aggravation - for me.
Anyway, what turned out "helping" my father somehow became "doing everything"...and all he says to anyone he deals with on this - is to "call his daughter and she'll handle it." He now basically gave me orders on next steps and literally berated me for this taking longer than he anticipated - where I found myself trying to explain reasons why - like I worked for him! No appreciation - never a thank you. So finally, I couldn't hold back any longer and just let it all out - everything that I felt, I said to him - telling him how ungrateful he is...how terrible he has treated me...how much I do for him and my mother and it's exhausting and unappreciated, etc. He just looked at me with no expression...couldn't care less...and just told me that I'm bothering him by taking his time with this conversation.
So, still feeling the after-effects from this conversation with my father and my body still feeling tense from it, I came across your post !
I wish I could give any helpful advice, but I can use some myself! The only thing I can say is I can relate!!
What our fathers seem to have in common is that caustic manner - and someone else is always to blame for anything. My father has been this way for his entire life, so this is nothing new for me. The best I can say is I try to find anything else afterwards to bring positive energy my way.
He and my mother lived with me for 1 year. It was not nice.
I did the same, I finally let it all out, and later felt worst for it. I had fights with him and my mother, she was right on board with him (why?). Anyway, he toned down but it was more like this: when he asked me for something: he asked in a way to make it seem like he had to be careful and not ruffle my feathers, or I would get angry, he asked in a way to make it seem like he was sorry for bothering me because I might get angry. My mother would ask me if I was angry. They didn't change their way, they just acted as if I was to blame and my behavior was unwarranted. The whole time they were here they treated me like a joke. They moved out a month ago and I'm still not over that year!
So, what to do, I'm sorry my guess is as good as yours. What kind of a father was he to you when you were growing up? I think the answer is there.
Luckily he does not live with you. You do not want that around you 24/7.
I cooked dinner at least 5 nights a week. Each night he would insist on saying Grace before the meal. Now we are a family who does not say Grace, but are always willing to accommodate those who do at our table. But each night during his Grace, he never thanked the cook. Not once.
I had had enough. I was placing the plates on the table and he was getting ready to say Grace. I told him in no uncertain terms that unless he thanked the cook, he was not welcome to say Grace at the table. And if he did not thank the cook, he was not welcome to eat the food I had prepared. He knew I meant it.
You do not know if your Dad has dementia, but you suspect it. It is Ok for you to set a boundary in place. Boundaries are for you to hold firm.
"Dad if you do not say hello and ask how I am, I will leave." Then leave.
If he has a hissy fit ""fine, I won't ask you for anything ever again."" just walk away.
How to correct this? I should start by treating yourself as you would like your father to treat you. Literally. When he says "I need you to ..." - reeling off orders, like you're taking dictation for heaven's sake - look him in the eye and rephrase what he has just said as you would prefer to hear it. E.g. "Dear daughter, I find I have run short of [aftershave, socks, whatever]. Would you have time to get some for me, please? I usually buy X brand from Target."
Rather than take offence, which tends to raise the temperature of any exchange, treat it with (very) gentle mockery. Even if he doesn't get the message at least you'll have acknowledged to yourself that you have a right to be spoken to with courtesy.
PS How on earth did he manage to break a one-cup? Has he seated the reservoir properly back on its base?
Even folks with dementia can understand about treating their loved ones with civility and decency when they're given boundaries and limits.
Try it. I do it with my own demented mother and she gets the message pretty quickly. If not, I leave her presence or hang up the phone (after saying I'll speak to you at another time when you're in a better mood.)
Respect is a two-way street; to get it, he has to give it.
Perhaps the best approach is ‘boundaries’. It may or may not work, but there isn’t much to lose in trying. And if you get the ‘OK I won’t ask for anything then’ line, enjoy it for a few hours. It isn’t going to last!
More to OP's question, I would say there are absolutely things they can do that will alter this behavior. It takes a plan, and consistency, but it does work... even with dementia, though obviously that would need other considerations. Some good suggestions are leaving, or not responding with requests, when dad greets them with an entitled request or acts overly demanding. Don't provide positive reinforcement for behavior you want to change.
Most days I can laugh and just run and get it for her. But there are times when I want to scream get it yourself! One day I tried talking to her and saying Mom I am trying very hard to do everything I can to make you happy. But please don’t speak to me like I am your servant. She said the same thing as your Dad, fine I won’t ask you for anything… I responded that’s great. That really will work well for me. Lol
of course it didn’t last more than five minutes. I went and brought her robe lol
Often there is one person in the family who tends to get 'the short end of the stick' as the caregiver (often the one who is doing most of the work.) My belief is that the elder is most anger at getting old, and the person who witnessed the losses in recent years. Not an excuse to be rude, however.
Have a serious talk with him...to say how you feel and what you expect. Simple, not blaming, and specific.
His brain doesn't process as efficiently as it used to. The idea of a white board is great if he can use it...or whatever he used to do to keep track of information when he was 'a big boss'.
Then, when you go to see him...if he starts in being 'the rude boss', stop. look at him and say "whoops, Dad, let me go out and come in again. I'm not your secretary, I'm your daughter."
Close the door, walk a few steps away, and let your breathing come back to normal....then knock again..
This might help him "practice' learning the expected behaviors in a light hearted way.
Of course, if he is still being 'the angry boss', you just say Oh, gee, I have to go. I'll come back....tomorrow/at lunch/whatever works for you.
Part of the benefit of AL is that you can be more of a family member!
of course, that role isn't as easy as it is in the Hallmark movies!