Don't know what to do. Looking after a family member who is nice to everybody and their mother. But when alone with me the real person shows. Now we help our family members especially if they helped raise us. Especially if they don't have anyone else. Or they have others but those people don't care. Now the person is narcissistic and lies like crazy. Very believable. Now has memory issues and you could check off everything on the dementia list. The person controlling tells you to be quiet not to tell doctors anything. Everybody in the family to think that they are okay when they're not. Sad and disturbing to watch them lose their mind. But want to take you down with them it seems. Kind of family member that never really considered you is part of the family even though you are. Cold uncaring and unloving is all you've ever known. Maybe when you were younger they were nicer but basically you were not the most favorite in the family. Definitely favoritism is played ..and it's not you.
Does terrible things that you have witnessed and then tells everybody you're crazy when you tell about them. You don't want this person to go in any kind of a nursing home because you always love them and wished that they weren't like that. Everything was blamed on you all the time. And the whole family has a different picture of you. you wanted to be close and finally at the end of their life they want you in their life they even invite you over to make yourself at home. But then they're rude to you tell you shut up mind your own business and call you a liar. All your nice efforts go hidden or unmentioned. Never wanted to help you when you needed it. And rubs it in your face that they have everything better than you. But you have this longing for a relationship with this person called your mother. He makes Mommy Dearest look like June cleaver. Not with everything but you are definitely not loved. All your life you've waited for this person I'll give him to finally love you. So you run you pack your things all excited you go there. You forget a number everything they've ever said or done to you this is the chance that you've always wanted. But you realize by the second day that they really don't want you there. :-( they just need you and they don't have anyone else and they don't want to go in a nursing home. So you watching all these disturbing things going on and you're not allowed to report it to the doctor. You tell the person stop bad thing like that or I will not help you anymore. of course they abused it. And you leave. And you're driving home you're crying you feel guilty you didn't want this and you start questioning your own sanity. the mental torment abuse that you grew up with is still going on. I'm a responsible adult and I'm very professional and I've won the respect of many people. Yet this person called your mother keeps you like you are 10. The Gloria Gaynor song plays in your mind but you can't change the lock it's your mother. And you love her and you want to overlook everything because you know he is not long for the world. So basically you yo-yo it. And when you tell your family they don't believe anything because they've talked to this person. Called your mother. that by the way could win an Academy Award. And won several Grammys all throughout your life. you know that something's wrong and you try to do the right thing. Nobody else seems to be doing anything much. Maybe a schedule doctor's appointment. Or a little bit of advice. And that appeases the woman referred to as your mother. I say that very sad. Not everybody has a maternal instinct. I believe not all mother's love. I know they play favoritism. capable of being nice your sister or your brother but quickly changes when it's you. They get all the Privileges and frills you get nothing. If anything she thinks you're after her money. Like let's pretend any amount of money is worth being treated awful and cruel. But you long for love and acceptance before she dies. Help
Best wishes to you and hugs.
You've said there are other people around who don't believe what you say and who treat you with disrespect. By leaving and protecting yourself, your mother only loses a free caregiver. She does not lose her daughter, as she is incapable of loving you as a daughter. You have been groomed to be her slave, and not a well treated one at that.
I don't know if you have a license as a caregiver, but if you do, you are violating your license when you don't speak up when you see dangerous conditions. Your mthr is asking you to value her comfort over your livelihood. The best way for you to handle that is to leave her alone. To not bother her. To let her decline the way she wants to decline. She will be fine, she says, she will get along just fine without any help.
I think it is most respectful of your mother if you believe her. She can do just fine without your help. Your relatives, friends, neighbors all believe that. So you don't need to be there to do what is not needed. She is not going to thank you. She cannot love you.
I want you to buy the book Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud from Walmart, a real bookstore, Amazon. It's everywhere in it's bazillionth printing. It seems like everyone has this problem but it's those of us who were mistreated as children who have the hardest time with it. The book is a great starting point.
To find a counselor, ask for one who does cognitive therapy for families like alcoholics have. Those of us who have family abuse have the coverups and rages that we have experienced which is also found in alcoholic families.
And stop going to your mother's house for now until you can get some distance and understanding. You don't need to talk to her, you need to talk to an unbiased 3rd party. You are an excellent caregiver and your mother is simply a fool to treat you so poorly. You would not let a client treat you that way, so you need to move on, just like she says.
She won't get the help she needs until you stop enabling her. It's almost like buying drugs for an addict. She's addicted to the idea that she can do for herself when she can't.
She and other won't find that out unless you leave.
Please save yourself.
She will have to take care of herself. If she really really can't, then others will have to step up or she will have to go to the hospital, assisted living, a nursing home - whatever the appropriate placement is for her.
Get into therapy ASAP.
Read those boundary books.
Back off from the level of care and support NOW. You will get negativity from everyone else involved - but so what? They are already bad to you. I basically think "screw them". Who cares what they think? People who treat you poorly and dump all this work on you do not get a vote in how you spend your time in the future. Put it to bed. Can't change what's happened up to now so let that go.
You are blessed with friends who care for you and respect you. Can you listen to them, and use what they say to trust yourself to stop trying to gain something from someone who will refuse to honor your value?
If your mother needs ongoing care and does not allow you to care for her as she should be cared for, by her behavior she is RELEASING YOU from your OBLIGATION to her.
You can deliver a note to her physician stating that she has forbidden you to speak about her condition, and ask what you should do next to keep her safe and as healthy as possible.
Doing that may help you lessen the burden you’ve placed upon yourself.
You can be the best mother TO YOURSELF that anyone has ever had. And the BEST FRIEND. Do some thinking about what you, being your own mother, want to change. Then change ONE LITTLE THING.
DO ONE LITTLE THING to change where you are now. For yourself. Because you deserve it.
I agree with Ann. Love yourself. You matter. Give up on them. Stop wasting your time. They most likely won’t change but you can. You can move forward.
Best wishes to you.
My dad had asked I come stay with my mom (she has dementia, he’d Had a stroke & needed rehab but wouldn't go unless I stayed with mom. I live 16 hours away but of course agreed).
While there, I found my sis had closed all my parents accounts & moved them to the bank she works. She computerized all, no statements (banking, bills, credit cards, etc) came to their home. They had no cash/checkbook, only a credit card she constantly monitored & would scold them for any spending. She required every receipt kept in a box to explain it. It was humiliating for both. They’d always had money, never having to worry, much less “managed”. She’d threaten to stop helping them with bills & things, if they didn’t comply. She would manipulate them by asking to “borrow” family treasures, knowing they would not get back, they would say no. She would refuse them any help or even phones calls, until one (both of whom were not to drive), would deliver whatever she wanted & beg her to take it.
She was/is my moms favorite. She lived with them into her 40s rent free, not ever having a date/boyfriend, until she manipulated a man with a child into marriage.
She hides behind Christianity & has many, many people who only know her slightly, convinced she is perfect.
While there figuring out what was going on, my brother & I began to ask questions. My folks were still at home (which she has since sold & moved them in to a memory care unit), living with little assistance other than help paying bills. We asked for logins/passwords the accounts & reasons why they sudddenly were having $$ trouble. She would do things that seemed helpful financially, but were not. I.E. She added their cell phones to her family plan, indicating to us this saved folks $$, when really my folks were paying the entire bill. She would haul her family’s trash to my folks avoiding paying for trash service- the list was endless.
When we asked for information, she’d lie. Once confronted face to face, she admitted the lies, EXPLODED at us both, & then told us there was no way she would give us logins/PWs, as we might “change a statement”, which is crazy & I don’t believe possible.
I left a few days later for home (Thinking we were on good terms), she then convinced them all I somehow stole money from them. A few months later, when her story was doubted, she added I also stole credit cards. Her story changed & grew regularly. I don’t think it was had to “convince” my folks -mom has dementia, dad just had a stroke & of course they were afraid of her threat of not helping them.
These last 3 years were a nightmare, my moms sister knows the truth, knows my sister & that I would never lie/steal. She too has been accused of awful things because she defends me. Anyone who stands up to sis is slandered. I thank God I have her & her family or I’d go crazy.
I’ve been left out of everything. I get no info on their health, finances, nothing, I’m often blocked from their cell phone & due to them believing all the lies- neither of them really wants to hear from me or my 2 boys. I’ve not been able to reach them since after Xmas. I go online to ck the local obituaries.
I’ve spent last 3 years in the worst depression, obsessing over how to fix this, mourning the loss of my parents. I had no idea how she could make them believe this so easily or why she would. I prayed for a miracle. Anything to get my family back. I’ve never so helpless in my life.
Recently I found these articles. This explains everything perfectly! The phrase quoted “I hope someday you have a child just like you” I heard daily!! (I do, btw & he is my pride & Joy!)
I pray OP & anyone else needing these sees them. I spent years believing some how this was my fault or I could fix. This my miracle. (Attached in comments)
blessings!
Adult Sibling Alienation: Who Does It and Why
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201912/adult-sibling-alienation-who-does-it-and-why?eml
A vital point
Submitted by Susan Heitler Ph.D. on December 16, 2019 - 1:45pm
I want to highlight one of your last points:
"they are in agreement so they must be telling the truth."
In multiple alienation cases I have seen lawyers, judges, and alas also custody evaluators make this mistake. It's based on a lack of understanding that when there has been alienation, similar words from children and a parent, or from multiple family members and friends, usually indicates that there IS alienation. They all use the same words because the alienator has been telling them all the same message, again and again. Like propaganda, tell people the same thing enough times and they begin to believe that is the truth. BIG mistake when lawyers and judges believe the opposite, as you say, that similar words indicate truth.”