My Mom, 79, suffered a series of maladies ending with her being housebound. 2.5 years ago I discussed coming to stay here at her house part time to assist her in managing her increasing needs.
1.5 years ago I came and set up a room in her big house. Last April, I left after having a particularly big blowout argument over whether I might use more than the 1 room I set up for myself (covid stress etc) I bought a nice RV and set it up on her large previously purpose built pad. I've been back in town since July.
Literally have done every thing she asks (it's the least I can do), and she doesn't ask much.
Additionally, once in a while, ALWAYS on a day I have taken off from work (btw I work sometimes 25 days at a stretch, very accommodating workshifts etc, independent contractor) she will manufacture some crisis or crises and eventually we will be at odds. From nowhere it'll be finances, or politics, or her other children, or my dead Father (2 husbands ago) or maybe that she just desperately wants to be right about something.
Here's the kicker,
now every single time there is even one bit of resistance from me toward whichever nonsense I'm supposed to be terrified of along with her, she says:
"If you act like this, you're gone"
or,
"you've always disappointed me"
or
"what have you ever done for me?"
always with the deepest of sincerity and
1 day later she will have acted as though none of it happened.
How would any of you approach this?
Thank You
That is the question to ask yourself as you plan your next move here. My mother is SO nervous, worried, scared & OCD about everything that she's barely able to function..........she's always been like this, despite the fact that nothing bad has ever happened to her. When I was a kid, I couldn't leave my bedroom window open in summer (with no A/C in the house) because a murderer would get into my room thru the open window and kill me. I used to get bags of ice to put on my body to keep from sweating to death.
Nowadays, with moderate dementia & living in a Memory Care Assisted Living (thank God), she's even WORSE with the worrying and paranoia. I don't play into it at ALL and try to talk her down off whatever ledge she's teetering on at any given moment. It never works though, because she doesn't WANT to be talked down off of said ledge.........so I wind up saying Goodnight Mom, and hanging up the phone. The next day, she's forgotten that anything happened the previous day, so there's no mention of it at all. That's the nature of dementia.
Since you are living on the same property but not in the same house as your mother, you can end the 'discussions' once they get too argumentative. My mother LOVES to argue and has turned it into an art form. Of course, the dementia precludes her TO being argumentative, and being a contrary person to begin with, just makes for an ugly situation entirely.
If your mother is developing or already has dementia, nothing you can say or do will alter her behavior. Nothing. So you have to learn how to diffuse the situation and/or leave the room/hang up the phone when the ugliness gets to be too great. You can always remind her, too, that you are there out of the goodness of your heart, not because you HAVE to be there, and if she would prefer you leave, you will be happy to. It's up to YOU mother. Play nice or I move my RV elsewhere.
Wishing you the best of luck dealing with a difficult situation. Sending you a huge and a prayer for strength.
I'm very serious. Step back and let her actions lead to the logical consequences.
Was your Mom once an entirely different person, or is this more or less how your Mom has been throughout her life?
What goals or expectations do you have of the future? At 79 your Mom has easily another decade or so to live. People do not often have epiphanies that change who they are or how they react.
I am very happy you are not in the same household, because this DOES allow you to remove yourself from the situation.
Boundaries. When it is directed at you, stay calm. Acknowledge she is angry. But don't accept the abuse. Have replies ready.
"If you act like this, you're gone"
R: I can see you are angry, I'll go now & talk to you later when you are calm
"you've always disappointed me"
R: sorry you feel that way
"what have you ever done for me?"
R: I'm going out now, see you later
Or my favorite from a long thread on the site "I ain't gunna be your whipping post". Out the door. Bam.
Basically don't answer back to her actual words. Just slide on out of the conversation. I would probably have smoke blowing out my ears, so I would have to physically remove myself from the room & take deep breaths.
Let her curse & argue with the air.
I believe that we can be optimistic if a situation is promising. You don’t have that. Your mom has shown you what her reality is. You don’t have the capability of changing her.
Either accept what you have at hand or arrange for others to care for her. I fully realize that these decisions can be difficult to make. Start with making a list of pros and cons.
Continue to reach out for help. Often we are so close to a situation that we become blind to it. Listen carefully, learn and process the information.
Best wishes to you and your family.
With that said, if your mother says such things to you I think it is time she finds out what you not doing anything for her really is like. Just because she is your mother doesn't mean you should let hurtful comment slide. Would she tolerate hurtful comments from you?
My father had dementia. It was very rare he would get snippy with me. And if he did he would get it right back at him. He knew that was something I would not tolerate. His mother was awful to everyone. And she was like that because everyone let her get away with it. That made a lasting impression on me when I was a child and I knew how I was to react as an adult if I was ever in such a situation.
Excuses are always a variation of: He's just old. She's just cranky. They've always been like that. Oh, just ignore it. They don't mean it. Just laugh it off. You have respect them. She doesn't know any better. He's just that way.
Yes, we all have bad days. Getting old is hard. Feeling more pain/sickness than good can be exhausting. But when someone is constantly crapping on the people who took time out of their lives, work, and their own families to help you... then that person doesn't like you, appreciate you, and considers you a nuisance and not a helper.
My mom broke her foot and ankle after a fall. I sat with her doing the day, did her errands, did house things, rolled her around the house, did the laundry.
I wouldn't get two steps into the door and she'd bark "You're late!" (I wasn't!) or barely acknowledge I was there. Nothing I did was enough, but that's been her attitude throughout my life, so no surprise there. She'd fuss that I didn't vacuum downstairs. Erm, the floors were not dirty and she never told me she wanted me to vacuum, until she complained that I hadn't! I told her I couldn't read her mind, and all she had to do was ask me to do it, and I would. If I didn't buy the exact item for her at the store (only when the store was out of the brand she wanted)... you'd have thought I'd brought home poison and I was the worst daughter that ever lived. Yelled and complained. When she said her legs hurt, I suggested maybe you could lie down for a bit? She snapped back, "I'm not going to sleep all day!". I said nothing about sleeping! Lying down and taking some pressure off her legs was all I was saying. No matter how I tried to help, she'd just stay mad and bitter. I was her verbal punching bag.
So, after two weeks of this, I was done. I calmly told her she didn't seem to want my help, that I must be doing more harm than good. Cue the guilt trip: "Well, I guess I have to hire someone to help me." "I guess I have to do this on my own." We both knew good and well she wouldn't hire anyone and she didn't live alone since my father was there after work. Then I got the silent treatment. Let her stew for a day and then called her. I repeated that she didn't seem happy with me there. And then? She snipped "Well, all you did was sleep on the couch all day"!!! I couldn't believe it. Flat out lying! I said "Now you KNOW that is not true." And she did know it. I said I'd willingly help her, would give her my kidney if she needed it, but I was tired of the complaining, yelling, and snapping.
I did go back to caring for her and the negativity was gone. Sometimes you just have to call someone out for their behavior!
If you respect your mother no matter how she treats you, you will never have any regrets.
I hope I have "positively" encouraged you. : )
I am planning on moving and hiring someone else.
If you can't do it anymore, that's fine, have someone else help instead.
All the best
What she is able to do in spades is lash out from a place where she has brooded, assembled and made real a world view and one of me that has no basis in shared human kindness or emotion. She is in a word, vicious.
Literally striking out whenever she is not 100% catered to. She thinks I owe her fealty and anyone would have to show me and PROVE im wrong.
She's a mess, and if I don't do what I do here, she's going to care a whole bunch when the first awful incident sees her go to managed care, she cant live here like she does w/o help, she has driven every caregiver and helper away either by cancellations or by just dropping the ball
Sometimes, we 'kids' have to wait for some crisis to befall our mother or father before action can be taken. So, if she falls, say, and breaks her hip, goes to the hospital and then rehab, rehab may refuse to allow her to return back home to independent living (that's what happened w my father and what ultimately got both of them placed into Assisted Living back in 2014). I knew something terrible was going to happen b/c he was going downhill fast, but my hands were tied to actually DO anything, until the incident I mentioned.