I am 26 years old and my mom and I live together. She is only 60. I am a masters student, I have a bright legal career ahead of me and a boyfriend who is my only support network right now. But then I have my mom. She has been living with chronic pain for the last 3 years, and she divorced her husband 1.5 years ago. Since then, she has become a shell of her former self. She refuses to do most things herself, complaining about how much pain she is in. I love her to death, and for years have not minded driving her to the doctors office and cleaning the house and running her errands, but it is becoming exhausting. She refuses to give me any time to myself, she is always at home. She doesn't want to go to a senior centre and be social, she doesn't have any friends or family. I appear to be her only social network and it is driving me crazy. Financially, she is set for life with her savings but she refuses to even acknowledge how lucky she is in that regard. She takes everything for granted. She constantly guilt trips me for trying to have a social life. I try and cook nutritious meals for her daily, but nothing is ever good enough. Whenever I try and talk to her, she complains that it isn't her acting up, it is her pain that is causing her to act how she does. I am starting to get anxiety attacks just when I come home from whatever I am doing. Even my boyfriend points out how ridiculous her demands can be sometimes, she will get me to stand up and open a window and 1 minute later stand up and close it again when we are all trying to have breakfast. And when I tell her what would she do if I stopped taking care of her, she says she would survive just fine. This is the woman that hasn't been able to go to the store and by herself a meal, or even take a taxi. She refuses to even check her bank statements online, and has me doing all her online banking. She simply cannot be bothered, yet she fully knows how to use the computer. I feel like I am her slave, but she is my only family. My mental health has gotten so bad because of this, and no matter how many times I bring it up, I am always the one to blame because I cannot understand her pain, according to her. I am a monster according to her for blaming her for her pain. Someone please offer me some advice. I am at my wits end. I told her to try and cut me some slack because I have legal exams coming up this month and she said okay but all she does is complain even more. I am scared I will sabotage my future, and whenever I try and tell her how hard it is for me she just disregards it.
It sounds like she can take care of herself, just doesn't have to if you're on hand. Am I missing something?
I should take her word for it. Leave. Let her open her own dam' window.
Don't get me wrong: your mother does have chronic pain, plus she is recently divorced, and she deserves support and help with coming to terms with both of these very hard challenges.
But the support and help you're giving her aren't helping - they're making her passive, which just feeds her depression, and stressing you out. You have to break this horrible co-dependent cycle, and seeing as you've got exams and a career to focus on this is the moment to do it. Get out. Go and stay somewhere else to revise, and then keep going.
Can your boyfriend be the white knight here? Can you move in with him, or even pretend to be moving in with him, to get you and your mother out from under the same roof. Don't allow her to think that any partner or future partner of yours will simply move in with the two of you and become an extra person to cater to her demands.
Your mother needs to find other solutions for pain and her loneliness that don't depend on you. You have made yourself too available and she will only want and expect more as her needs increase. It's wonderful that she has funds. Assisted living is a great option for people who need help with meals, cleaning and everyday activities. It will also give her a social life that doesn't depend solely on you. You need and deserve to get your life back.
If you've been in law school, you probably learned the first year that the law profs are going to put you to the test, on a regular basis. You have to learn how to stand up to them, how to maintain self respect and respond to their demands as they question students (sometimes) mercilessly. From what I understand, law school's first year is really a litmus test. That's what the newly minted attorneys have said.
So use what you learned to stand up to your mother. Distance yourself emotionally to view her as a client and ask how you would handle this client. It's a skill you'll have to learn if you want a legal career anyway.
Your mother is exploiting you. Would you allow a client to do that?
You've gotten good advice, especially from Carla, who is an attorney herself (if I remember correctly). But you're the only one who can take the action.
Give yourself some time to think about this and how to change the situation, because otherwise you can kiss your career goodbye b/c mother's demands will prevent you from devoting the extensive time you need to get started in law. And that might be a lead-in to professional care. You don't mention the specific field of law, but if you go with a major firm, especially in a large city, you can be expected to work a lot of overtime and weekends and won't be able to spend the time your mother wants for her care.
You're not alone though. Many people post here, and regular posters have been through this. It's a difficult situation; emotional heartstrings are pulled and guilting is involved. But try to see it as one of the major challenges you'll face in your career, i.e., a challenge you'll need to meet and conquer in order to pursue a career in law.
(And I'm trying to be tough with you to give you strength to stand up to your mother; my frankness is not a criticism.)
You do not need to be your mom's caregiver and can particularly feel free to stop if she is financially stable. You do not need to be her senior center and therapist. Divorce and chronic pain are horrible, for sure, but the best way for her to adjust and heal is through peer support, therapy and regaining her own independence.
Your school might have free or very low-cost counseling available. Take advantage of it as soon as possible. March in and ask the counselor about boundaries and practice, role-play, them over and over. Knowing how to set and hold boundaries will not only help you with your mom, but in other relationships and work as well. Good luck!
Get away..as fast as you can. If mom says she can handle things, then let her.
You are far too young to be tied to a cranky pants mother---it could last 30 more years, easily. Her problems with not being social are her problems, not yours.
You could still be as involved or not as you choose. Sheesh--most people at 60 are still working, functioning, running homes and dealing with grandkids.
I wonder about her pain. This just sounds like a smokescreen. I too have chronic pain and I'll tell you exactly who is concerned about that: nobody. (well, I am, but it's MINE to worry about!)
Your BF is not going to hang around a lot longer if mom is there being a PITA. It's your time to be a little selfish and get yourself going, career and life-wise.
I wish you the best. She going to guilt trip you--DON'T fall for it!
Is there anything you could do that would minimize the pain? Maybe research some local pain clinics, or doctors who specialize in whatever is causing her pain? Offer to help her set up appointments and take her to them? Look into the use of marijuana in your state?
But only try to help her manage her pain, if that is possible. DON'T accept being treated as slave. That is definitely not good for your mental health, and it also does nothing for her pain level!
As all the others have said, Move Out. If Mom really does need help, she can pay for it. (And if this is very hard for you emotionally, see a counselor for support.)
Time to set boundaries. Ok, I know that isn't easy. Try practicing saying to yourself out-loud "sorry, I cannot possibly do that" over and over until it feels comfortable to say easily. Give it try with your Mom. And if she asks why, make the reason very simple, do not elaborate.
If Mom realizes that she isn't going to be babied, maybe she will decide to move out on her own. One thing we need to realize is that Mom may still view you as "the kid" and what do we know :P She's back into the adult/child dynamics.
Solve the overall issues afterwards so that the accompanying emotional upheaval won't interfere with your success.
Tell Mom that even though it is painful, moving more, doing more for herself will keep her from succumbing to the debilitating effects of immobility.
Then, keep coming back, ask anything until you can get this worked out.
You sound like a smart young woman who has no self-confidence when it comes to setting healthy boundaries for yourself with your mother.
Once your exams are over, I urge you to figure out new living arrangements for your mother or, at the very least, new rules for her while she lives in your home. Your mother does not respect you. She does not respect your time, your efforts, or your privacy.
It's great that she is financially set for life. There are many senior citizens with big homes and empty nests who are renting out rooms to other seniors. It's like a real life Golden Girls. Many times there are ads at the grocery store and senior center for such living arrangements.
Accept that there is nothing you can do to make her happy. Some people are just unhappy. Tell her that your current living arrangements are not working for you. And set a schedule with her for finding herself new living arrangements.
I am actually in Canada, I have an MA in law because I want to practice as a notary public, our legal system is a bit different. It is like a JD but a bit more practical.
She and I currently rent a place, we are both 50/50. Share expenses, I make solid income because I also get a veteran pension and she gets alimony. We have always lived together, but she has never exploited me this much.
I think learning how to set boundaries is going to be my first step. Thank you all for the kind words - you give me hope and made me tear up. I do not know any of you, but my sincerest gratitude.
But yes, boundaries now! Best of luck with your exams.