At what point do you know that you can no longer care for your mother?

Sometimes, you can do virtual tours of facilities that are close by. Consider ones that allow for overnight visits, You may find this is a good compromise, You will know when you have found the right place, Here, the internet is your best friend. Have faith in you, You will find the right answer and the right compromise...good luck,

No, you're not a fool. Maybe overworked, but not a fool. Do what you feel is right for you and your mother. Maybe time to increase the caregiver hours, to give you more breathing room? It's never wrong to want to care for our LOs at home, nor is it wrong to consider a facility. There are many factors involved in making the decision.

"It seems that most of what I read on this site encourages family members to put their LO in an appropriate facility."

This recommendation should be reserved for those who are at the end of their rope, or will be soon. One person trying to do everything is going to burnout. The problem is many don't have the financial resources to pay for a facility and the LO doesn't qualify for Medicaid (most states don't cover AL/MC, many with dementia don't qualify for NHs.) For those who have help and want to do it, it might be better to keep the LO at home. For those who don't, one person can't do it all.

"At times, when she is whining incessantly, and I just want some space, I think that a facility is the answer."

Again, this may be resolved by increasing caregiver time. You mention late afternoon tends to be meltdown time. Consider some mild medication to help with this. Sun-downing is VERY common and generally occurs later afternoon. There are non-medication suggestions, but often those don't work well enough. The only time my mother was "out of control" late afternoon/early evening was due to a UTI. Antibiotics and low dose Lorazepam (during treatment only) took care of that.

"I know that she is happy here with me and my husband. Am I being an idiot for not putting her elsewhere?"

No, you're not an idiot for keeping her home. It's a struggle to know what's best, but if you can get someone who can help "entertain" her and find ways to keep her busy, it can still work. You need time for yourself, time to get out, do things YOU enjoy and be away from her "neediness". It's in many ways like having a toddler, but different. It can get under your skin, the repetition, the unending help she needs with ADLs, etc. The key is having the right resources to help. Since you say she's relatively healthy and okay financially, perhaps bringing in more assistance will help.

"My daughter, who has been here for the past year due to Covid, has really bonded with her grandmother. My daughter adores her grandmother and the time that she spends with her. The antics that my mother exhibits drives me crazy and my daughter is able to see humor and be compassionate."

That's a big help! Given they get along and she enjoys spending time with her takes some load off you. My grandmother (no dementia) lived with us part of the time and with my mother's sisters. I appreciated the time I had with her. Dementia puts a wrinkle into care, and it's too much for one person. With the right help it can work. Something staff suggests - rather than letting her antics annoy you, join her in the "moment" if you can. Sometimes there can be some humor in it.

"I know that she will continue to deteriorate."

She'll regress in time. She'll have more difficulty getting around and doing for herself. I'm a senior with physical limitations, and my house isn't safe for my mother to have lived in. Instead I found the best place for her, managed her affairs and visited as often as I could. At some point she may become bedridden. That'll require a lot more in-home care or a facility. When you really feel the care you and help can provide isn't working, then a facility might be the answer.

"To this day, I suffer that I wasn't available for those final weeks. It haunts me. I don't want to feel that way with my mother."

This is also a personal dilemma. My mother wasn't close enough for me to check on her daily or provide the care she needed. Hiring help didn't work, as she considered herself "fine" and refused to let them in. I selected a place close to where I live so that I could monitor her care and be there for her.

If you’re asking the question, then it’s likely time.

Only you can answer how bad this stresses you out. My mom was difficult living with us. In a way, MC has given her the independence she needs while keeping an eye on her. My mom takes the direction of most caregivers better than me. She still hates days being there, but has many great days. She laughs more! The activities they have at MC make my mom feel like she's at school, and she has always been a straight A student :) Now that things are opened back up, I can go see her anytime and take her out anytime. I realize that we were not enough for my mom. Our days of being at work, coming home, and then relaxing were boring to her. A good MC keeps them active and thinking all day where they are ready for bed in the evening. I've joined a team. I'm not neglecting her. Don't get me wrong, the whole situation still stinks. I get sad almost everyday thinking about it. I know if my mom was in her right mind, she would tell me not to feel guilty. My parents were married for 60 years, raised us 4 kids, had a blast with their grandchildren, and then my dad passed 4 years ago. She ALWAYS wants to go back to that home where we are all under one roof...and somedays, I do too. I pray you find your best answer.

I kind of "fell into" placing my Mom. I did not bring her into my house thinking it was going to be permanent. She owned a home I was trying to sell. Those proceeds and money she had saved would have placed her an AL not 5 min from me for 2 years. She was here 20 months. I wanted to go to nieces wedding, her granddaughter, with just my DH. It was an 8 hr drive to a golf resort. Sorry, I just wanted to enjoy myself without caring for someone who had no idea what was going on. So, I went to the AL looking for respite care. Turned out they were having a 50% off room sale. Mom could live there for at least a year and if house sold, another year. So I placed her there. It was one floor so she could walk around in the hallways. They had couches and chairs every so often. She had socialization. By the time I went to the wedding she was all settled in and happy.

My girls saw humor in the situation too, but they weren't here 24/7. They weren't bathing, dressing and toileting her. Mom could do nothing for herself other than feeding herself. Itvwas like having a toddler again.

“It seems that most of what I read on this site encourages family members to put their LO in an appropriate facility”. Placing someone in a care facility isn't so much about the LO as much as it is about the caregiver. The fact is that most people living with dementia live out their lives at home. I always suggest that people know their caregiving limits. Certainly that's easier said than done. Although there are times that your mom's behavior may drive you crazy, as you say, at what point will her “antics” overwhelm you? At what point could it physically and/or mentally affect you? Only you can answer that. Caregiver complaints of constant headaches, stomach problems, severe stress that affects their own life, not wanting to get out of bed in the morning knowing what the day holds, or having to deal with their LOs incontinence are all reasons to consider a “new home”. And then there are safety issues such as leaving the stove on, wandering out of the house, confusing dangerous liquids with similar looking safe drinks in the home, etc., etc. For the most part, your mother doesn't know what her care requires of you. You must take care of yourself.

Remember, if you decide to relocate your mom, that although she may no longer be in your direct care, you are still caring for her ( and yourself) in providing her a safe, comfortable environment where the staff is trained to provide for her well being.

There’s nothing easy about such decisions, no matter which way you go there’s doubt, sadness, and challenge. It’s time for your mother to move when you reach a point of exhaustion, burnout, and simply knowing you can’t keep it up. Then residential care becomes the kinder option for your mom as an exhausted, burned out caregiver isn’t good for either of you. Either way, you’re a caregiver and your mom is blessed to have you in her corner

This is always a difficult decision to make. You are not wrong or right to keep your mom at home. Most people asking for help here are at their wits end and extremely burnt out and in those situations it is very valuable to know that placing their LO in a facility is not a bad thing to do.

Care giving someone is hard. Care giving someone with advanced dementia is nearly impossible to do. I am glad that you are getting 5 hours of help a day. And your daughter spends time with her too. That all helps make the situation somewhat livable although still quite difficult and demanding.

Can you talk with someone about this decision? Make yourself a pro/con chart? You don't have to do as much as humanly possible to be able to live with yourself without guilt. You deserve to have a life and freedom to be happy and spend your time in ways that benefit you.

Your mom is probably happier at your home. She's comfortable there, etc. BUT she is also a lot of work and as you know it is only going to get worse. 24/7 care is VERY demanding and you will get burnt out and suffer physically and/or mentally when you are doing too much.

I would start looking into places. Find one or two you like. If there's a waiting list, put her on it. You can always pass at the time and go back to the bottom of the list. When she has a bit of decline, that might be the proper time to move her into a facility.

Again, there are no right or wrong answers. You don't have to wait until you are beyond done. It is reasonable to put yourself on the list of important things and not just put your mom first in all cases. There are pros and cons to either option and do not beat yourself up about the cons of placing her somewhere. Nothing is perfect.

You need to forgive yourself regarding your dad. You did what you could at the time, what you thought was best. It's really not fair to second guess yourself. Even if your solution wasn't perfect, nothing really is so give yourself permission to be an imperfect human being. Like the rest of us.

((Big hug))