What legal rights do I have to ban my Mother's friend from visiting and spending several nights with her?
My Mother's Friend comes and spends 3 to 4 nights from out-of-town with my Mother. She refuses to accept my Mother's dementia diagnosis, along with no alcohol, and keeping me in the loop of what's going on when she visits. She drives my Mother anywhere she wants to go. And, my Mother spends money on things she doesn't need, or over spends, period, and the friend doesn't respect my wishes as caregiver, daughter, and D.P.O.A., and told me in so many words to butt-out, and that she isn't friends with me, but my Mom, and to leave her alone, and to quit telling her what to do, and her friendship is with my Mom and not me. My Mother is a recovering alcoholic since the beginning of this year. And, she has dementia, and she cannot drive. She has, also, been diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder. My Mom has a lot of problems with managing money, and I have to help my Mother with everything that requires making sound decisions, and help keep her away from alcohol. I, also, drive her everywhere, take her to all medical appointments, make all financial and business decisions. I am responsible for my Mom. This friend is an enabler, and she doesn't respect me, and I don't want her around my Mother driving her all over the place, and spending several nights and days at a time. Her last trip, she smashed a laptop with a hammer and threw away, took my Mom to a new hearing specialist, where my Mom bought new hearing aides, took her to buy a walker (my Mother hates, and i had to buy her another one, and she likes it) tried to get my Mom to buy her relative's dog, and my Mother lies and acts like an insolent and insidious teenager, and then says she doesn't remember. And, this friend takes offense with me and doesn't understand that I need to be kept in the loop, and she won't follow my guidelines concerning my Mother. And, once she leaves, I am left to pick up the pieces, and it is awful, and she just is not welcome. What legal rights do I have to tell the friend that she cannot visit and/or spend-the-night? She spends 3 to 4 nights at a time. Just the negativity she brings and the stress. It is awful. And, she is a bad influence. She's rude, arrogant, disrespectful, and I am trying to keep things positive. I don't trust her or my Mom, especially, when they are together. She is on a lot of pain medication, too, which I have a problem with when it comes to her driving my Mother places around town, too. If I tell her she has to butt-out, or that she is not allowed in my Mom's house, or not allowed to be with my Mother, I want the law on my side if it comes to me having to make this stance with her. Can anyone help advise me on how to handle? And, if it doesn't stop, what legal recourse do I have to back up my words if she doesn't listen and stays away?
Is your mother living alone?
Who told you to butt out? Mom or friend?
Friend has "no life", therefore she can spend days on end at your mom's?
Have you spoken to mom alone, and explain exactly how you feel, and what could happen (alcoholism) if this friend is not discouraged from spending do much time with mom?
I hope you get some practical suggestions from other sources here.
Wish you and mom better days ahead!
M 8 8
My Mother's Friend comes and spends 3 to 4 nights from out-of-town with my Mother. She refuses to accept my Mother's dementia diagnosis, along with no alcohol, and keeping me in the loop of what's going on when she visits.
She drives my Mother anywhere she wants to go.
And, my Mother spends money on things she doesn't need, or over spends, period, and the friend doesn't respect my wishes as caregiver, daughter, and D.P.O.A., and told me in so many words to butt-out, and that she isn't friends with me, but my Mom, and to leave her alone, and to quit telling her what to do, and her friendship is with my Mom and not me.
My Mother is a recovering alcoholic since the beginning of this year. And, she has dementia, and she cannot drive. She has, also, been diagnosed with bipolar and major depressive disorder. My Mom has a lot of problems with managing money, and I have to help my Mother with everything that requires making sound decisions, and help keep her away from alcohol.
I, also, drive her everywhere, take her to all medical appointments, make all financial and business decisions. I am responsible for my Mom.
This friend is an enabler, and she doesn't respect me, and I don't want her around my Mother driving her all over the place, and spending several nights and days at a time.
Her last trip, she smashed a laptop with a hammer and threw away,
took my Mom to a new hearing specialist, where my Mom bought new hearing aides, took her to buy a walker (my Mother hates, and i had to buy her another one, and she likes it)
tried to get my Mom to buy her relative's dog, and my Mother lies and acts like an insolent and insidious teenager, and then says she doesn't remember.
And, this friend takes offense with me and doesn't understand that I need to be kept in the loop, and she won't follow my guidelines concerning my Mother. And, once she leaves, I am left to pick up the pieces, and it is awful, and she just is not welcome.
What legal rights do I have to tell the friend that she cannot visit and/or spend-the-night? She spends 3 to 4 nights at a time. Just the negativity she brings and the stress. It is awful. And, she is a bad influence. She's rude, arrogant, disrespectful, and I am trying to keep things positive. I don't trust her or my Mom, especially, when they are together.
She is on a lot of pain medication, too, which I have a problem with when it comes to her driving my Mother places around town, too. If I tell her she has to butt-out, or that she is not allowed in my Mom's house, or not allowed to be with my Mother,
I want the law on my side if it comes to me having to make this stance with her. Can anyone help advise me on how to handle? And, if it doesn't stop, what legal recourse do I have to back up my words if she doesn't listen and stays away?
Her last trip, she smashed a laptop with a hammer and threw away,
Time to call adult protective services and ask for their help/
With few exceptions, a Power of Attorney gives you the right to do any legal acts that your mother could do herself.
these powers are very broad,
She is, however, even if there could be a tiny grain of truth to her point of view, overcompensating to the point of irresponsibility.
Your duty as your mother's POA is to assist your mother to make the choices she would have made in her previous right mind. Your duty as your mother's primary caregiver is to keep her as safe and healthy and happy as possible within the limits of her physical and mental frailties. You have a problem, because there is a conflict between those two things.
You probably could get heavy, legally, and forbid your mother's friend's staying in the house. But the point is, your mother doesn't want that. She wants to have her friend to stay. Your mission - if you choose to accept it - is to make that happen in a way that is as safe as possible.
Your mother's friend doesn't owe you respect, let alone obedience. So. You will either have to earn her respect, and persuade her to comply with the ground rules; or you will have to impose restrictions on your mother's social life that, to be blunt, it would be wrong to impose.
Mom is sneaking around like a teenager and you are acting the rigid parent, I think you need to extract yourself from that role and just be "cheerful and stupid" about these sprees, I hope they don't happen too often? Be glad that the friend doesn't live close enough to visit every day.
If so, request that a PPO be issued. In our county, when I got one several years ago, it was an ex-parte action, i.e., no court hearing was required.
As 1/2 owner of the house, you have rights as well. Draw up a list of prohibited behaviors, present it to the woman, and continue to document her abuse of your terms. She's going to challenge you; use it to your advantage.
There's also the issue of protecting your mother, as your mother will probably want to continue to have this woman in her life. Detail what she does and how it might be welcome to your mother, then (and this is a hard part) find ways to substitute for what this woman brings into your mother's life.
Good luck.
One does have to step back when it comes to elder's friends. Your Mom needs to be around someone closer to her own age group to talk to. You may not like this friend, but your Mom does. Let her have the fun.
Think of it this way, this friend is giving you free time when she is there with your Mom, the friend is looking out for her. Tell the friend to make sure Mom doesn't get any alcoholic as it could make her very sick due to medicine she is taking... I am sure Mom's friend wouldn't want to do anything to make her friend sick.
As for the laptop, was it your Mom's laptop, and what was the reason that her friend smashed the laptop? There had to be some type of disagreement. Did her friend break it or did Mom, but Mom told you someone else broke it?
I have taken all credit cards away, except for one debit/credit card through the bank that I can load for her. However, her friend visited, several months ago, and took my Mom shopping, and Mother opened 2 new store cards again. I was giving Mom 1 checkbook at a time, but she called the bank 2 different times and ordered more checks.
I asked the bank if thete was away for me to make the account where we both had to sign the checks, and they said that as long as she was primary on the account that she could do what she wanted.
I guess I need to go to the bank and say, point blank, I am here to change the account to where we both have to sign checks, let's proceed? Is this a special type of checking accounts, and does it have a special name?
I do not want to have to get the police involved. But, if i say the lady cannot spend-the-night, or drive my Mother anywhere she wants, unless she talks with me, first, then I want to know that I am within my legal rights, and have the law to help me keep my Mother safe and her best interest, Always.
It doesn't give me free time in the long run, if I have to go round and round trying to undo all the damage done while friend is enabling my Mother. If they are having fun being together, going to a movie, shopping for clothes and staying in my Mom's budget, going out to eat, getting their nails done, etc., I have no problem with that.
But, house shopping, electronic shopping, purchasing things whete my Mother is signing contracts, opening up credit, anything business or medical, I need to be the one with her, and know about it before it happens, instead of after the fact.
Thank ya'll soooo much for your advice and help. It is very much appreciated.
"Boy you sure have a hard time hearing me lately. Won't your daughter buy you a hearing aid?"
"She's mentioned it, but nothing has been done."
"Well, I'll take you to the hearing place and you can order them yourself."
If I were you, Dssmiles, I wouldn't like this one little bit. I don't blame you for being upset about it. But how would this be grounds for a PPO?
How is it exploiting your mother to encourage her to spend her money on herself? If the friend had ordered a hearing aid for herself with Mom's money, that would be a whole different matter. But adults are free to listen to any advice they care to, and can make their own decisions legally -- even very poor or costly decisions.
Destroying the laptop seems harmful, but you really don't know the story behind that.
Changing the checking account might be a good start, but how is that going to prevent her from opening new lines of credit?
In order to become your mother's guardian (and therefore authorized to prohibit this friend from taking mother out of the house) you will need to go through the process to have her declared incompetent, and then to prove that you are qualified to be her guardian. Are there doctors who consider your mother incompetent (in the legal sense)?
I could have gotten legal guardianship over her last year, due to the drinking, alone. But, I kept hanging in there with her to get her to the doctors, and get her through testing, and now diagnosis of dementia, etc. And, I feel that I still have enough to seek guardianship, but I don't want to do that if at all possible, and that is another reason this friend needs to respect my wishes, because I am getting to the point of not being able to put it off any longer. My D.P.O.A. is written to where if guardianship is ever granted that I am the one to be named as guardian. I was at the dentist, today, and the hygienist had to go through a lot that I am going through with her Mom. And, she said that even though it was hard and nerve racking to keep doing what I am doing, go with my gut, and pray, because I do have my Mom's best interest. All of this is so stressful and wearing. And, being a caregiver and/or caregiver manager is like having a full-time job. Which I understand that you all know this all too well, too. And, yes, I am sooo thankful this woman doesn't live in town, or I would have had to of had gotten guardianship immediately. Also, the time before this time, I did find alcohol in the house that wasn't there before she visited. So, that is why I told her this time point blank no alcohol, doctor's orders. And, the doctor talked to my Mom in a sweet and super kind way about not letting her friend have alcohol in the house, etc., because my Mom is worth it to stay sober and healthy. Night everyone. I will give you updates. Thank you all, again, for your help, kindness, and words of wisdom.
When she leaves this time if anything is broken and missing, like the last time, I am going to tell her that she is not welcome, again, without me present, or at all.
Since this friend has practically told you to stick it, drop by the nearest police precinct for legal advice on how best to handle the situation the next time she visits. Perhaps the Community Affairs officer could swing by and strike a compromise among the three of you that keeps Mom safe during her forays through the neighborhood.
Bear this in mind, though: if your mother gives you her own, er, interesting version of events, it is very probably that your mother also gives this friend a similarly distorted picture. So, for example, with the credit cards, your mother might tell her 'oh, Daughter says I spend too much - she's taken all my cards and put them in the incinerator.' And, swallowing this story whole, Friend indignantly sets about helping her get new ones.
Do you, really, think it probable that the friend 'smashed the laptop up with a hammer'? I mean, it's possible; and I speak as one who was driven by enraged frustration to physical abuse of an iPod Touch (my own, though). It's just it seems to me a more likely scenario that Friend saw your text, thought "is she nuts?", and decided not to bother replying.
Someone needs to communicate to the friend:
Mother really has got dementia. No, really, she has.
Dementia does some very odd things to the brain. Here is a leaflet explaining a few common, but still extremely weird, effects you might expect to see.
Befriending a person with dementia, and being a true friend to that person, means taking into account that they need help to stay safe and not be exploited. Please find out more about this.
If she won't listen to you, and you've tried putting this as nicely as you can in writing, then ask someone else to act as *your mother's* advocate with the friend. After all, it isn't your convenience you're most concerned about, it's your mother's welfare - and her welfare includes keeping her well-informed friends. Doctor, nurse, mutual acquaintance, policeman if need be - think of someone who can be the messenger for you.
Also,Churchmouse you hit the nail on yhe head. It is my Mom's welfare that I am concerned about. Not, my convenience. You said how it exactly is. And, Yes, you are correct, if Mother is lying to me, I am sure that she is misrepresenting me to the friend. Still, I feel there is still something wrong with this friend, since she is the only person on earth that doesn't get what is happening. And, that she doesn't realize what harm she is creating if she continues to be negative with me, and not see that she needs to put her ego aside, and try to build a positive bridge with me, as to protect my Mother's feelings from being crushed, when I will have to step in to keep my Mother's overall best intetest, and dissolve the friendship, if more negatives come as a result of the friendship than positives. It is so sad, and it doesn't have to be this way if this friend was mentally stable and whole feeling hetself. Thank you all a million times over. Ya'll have helped me to remain more calm since this woman has been here this visit. Thank you.
I'm going to to keep what is planned and scheduled for this next week, and if she's still there, then she'll have to deal with it or leave. Because once Monday, comes play time is over.
After you described in more detail the bank accounts, store credit cards and spending sprees, it really does appear you need guardianship/conservatorship (term varies from state to state). With a POA, the bank is going to honor your mother's requests. With guardianship, you would have to close her account and open a new account in the name of the guardianship and only you can sign. You could then send you court papers to the credit bureaus to add a notation to her credit report. When they run her credit, they'll see the notation, sort of like a fraud alert, and will either call you or deny credit. Additionally, you record the court papers with your local county recorder so friend can't convince mom to do anything with the house. I would check with a title company that something hasn't been done already. Sounds like your mom would tell her drinking buddy anything.
Guardianship isn't easy or cheap, but given your current situation you need more control than a POA can give you. A lot of responsibility goes with it. You generally have to track every penny and report to the court, but getting things under control can be worth it.
It sounds like your mothers friend may be financially abusing her. All of the financial efforts are troubling. On the one hand she could be just be reacting to your mom's complaints that she can't spend what she wants, and given the behavior you described, I'm sure she's exaggerated it to her. On the other hand, the opening new store cards and ordering more checks is also a red flag. When they go out, who is paying? Is mom paying for everything? Is mom buying her things? When she opens new store credit cards, is she immediately charging items and are those items with your mom or with her friend? If the friend is benefitting financially from the spending sprees, then it's time to talk to APS and look into a restraining order. Alternatively, a facility may be the least restrictive environment appropriate for her where she can be monitored, her medications managed, and caregivers there can back up your statement that alcohol is a big no-no. They can document if the friend comes by, if mom is taken out, if she is returned smelling of alcohol. That will be the ammo you need to get a restraining order. You could move in with mom, or a sibling could, if there is one around and willing. More often than not, these things fall to one person in the family. But if that is not an option it sounds like she shouldn't be alone, and certainly not alone with her friend. My instinct says that one the money tree dries up, the friend wont come around as often. But don't be surprised if that friend doesn't try to fight it herself.
I know it's a tough situation. Hopefully, the advice from above helps. Best of luck to you.
Put a credit freeze, or called a security freeze on her credit report so no accounts can be opened at stores.
Confiscate all credit cards prior to friends visits, then give them back later.
Make it extremely uncomfortable for friend to stay too long by having huge family reunions at Mom's house during that time.
You can go on-line with your Mom's social security number, answer a variety of questions so the credit bureau knows it is Mom, and it is easy to find "freeze credit" on the website. In fact you can tell Mom you are doing this so that no one can take her identity [since she used that as an excuse for the broken laptop].