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My background...
I am 27, my husband is 33, we have a 4 year old daughter and a 75 year old grandfather. My husband and I met 5 years ago. We were the typical young couple. Only he and I in the house, we would come and go as we pleased. Shortly after meeting we found out we were expecting. About 7 months into the pregnancy we got a call from my husband's great aunt saying we had to come get his grandfather because she was over him. So we did. At the beginning it was fine having him in the house. He could be left alone while I worked, ran errands, or we had datenight. About a year later we noticed small things... name trouble, wandering, no money management at all, etc. He was never happy and I spent most of the next few years driving him from our home to his sisters. Whenever he got bored or mad he threatened to walk so I drove him to keep the peace. Fast forward to 2009. My husband took a job in Louisiana and we moved. He stayed with his sister against our wishes. Then about midnight one niht she told him she had moved his stuff into a broken down truck and we needed to get him. So we did! I noticed immediately the change. He was moody, had barely any memory, called me by my husbands ex's name, wandered, cried, lied, refused meals. All in all pretty bad. I took him to get checked out and he was givin meds that I found out he was flushing instead of taking.
We now live back in TN and its horrible! I cant work because he cant be left alone or he will walk to each neighbor and tell another story to each of them. He spent $800 of his SSI on lottery tickets that he couldnt understand to actually know if he won. He hides my computer. Refuses food. Refuses bathing. My husband works about 14 hours a day so it is mostly me with him. A week ago things got the point that I started looking for help! I got him enrolled in an elderly program but it will be 4-6 weeks until I start getting help.
My question is, how do I not get bitter about giving up my last 5 years? He is so rude and mean to me when my husband is gone but when he is here, he is different. I feel like I am raising a 4 year old and a 75 year old the only difference being, he can say screw you and walk out the door.
Maybe I will feel better after simply putting my feelings into words but I am struggling with all of this and thought maybe a group can help! Thanks in advance!

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I wasn't done, but I guess I pressed a wrong button!

Your grandfather-in-law has dementia. He can't help it. He didn't sign up for it willingly. Maybe if he took the pills that were prescribed that would help. And maybe not. Maybe when you start getting help you will be better able to cope. And maybe not. Grampa should be paying you rent. That won't make up for you not working, but it will make the situation a tiny bit more fair. And it won't hurt him to have less to spend on lottery tickets.

Dementia progresses. It gets worse. It sounds like you are on the verge of not being able to take care of Grampa now. The time will come when you can't. Start looking now for long term care placement options. See what is available in your area, what they will cost, and how to begin the process of seeing that he qualifies for financial assistance if he is going to need it. This is not a failure on your part. It is a reality most caregivers face when their loved ones have dementia. Do NOT trade in bitterness for guilt.

Congratulations for giving your husband's grandfather a safe and loving home for five years. That is no small accomplishment. You can be proud. Now do what you need to do to take care of yourself, your daughter, and your husband.

Good luck!
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Amanda, now you know why grandfather's sister dumped him into you and your husband's lap. That was pretty rotten to do if you ask me. She knew he had dementia or at least suspected it, but scraped him off to unwitting young people. Time to put gramps into asst living or something like that. No shame in admitting you're in over your heads. Tell gramps sister she needs to step up and help you and your hubby find a good place for him. It's the least she can do.
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So sorry for the place you are in at such a young age. I know how you feel with the resentment. It is hard and for such a young one it does seem unfair. I am a caregiver for my parents and I can't get but a few hours off aday to go home I totally understand your husband not wanting to put him in a home but I also see where you are in this. It isn't fair that one person has to carry the load. That is where I am also. If you feel like me we are not too good to do this but too good to be taken advanage of. I think that grandpa should pay you instead of buying lottery tickets maybe a few but not that many that is taking advange of you. You can bet when it is over that if grandpa has any money or land the ones that are not doing anything will be first in line. Went throught that with my uncle. Good Luck to you and keep on the site for then you know that you are not alone. I have found other out lets like flowers and garden if possiable to just give you some down time. May God Bless you and your young family. Hopefully help will come soon.
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Amanda hang in there you're doing the best you can. However, you need help. What about social service agencies in your area? Does your husband have siblings/parents? Where are they in this mix? Can he afford another living arrangement? Is a nursing home an option? How about adult day care so at least you have some time away from him?
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This situation is to much for you. I'm glad you will be getting some help even if it's 4-6 weeks wait. Something that I learned this last year is that we only hurt ourselves when we hold on to the past, or cannot forgive. Holding onto anger and resentment even when we have a right to feel anger and resentment only serves to hurt ourselves and thus we are allowing the past to twist the knife deeper. Your feelings of anger and resentment are not wrong in themselves, in fact those feelings are telling you that this situation/person has crossed your boundaries, the feelings are trying to tell you to change the situation. Once those feelings are listened to (like your taking action to get help) their job is done and then it is healthy to let them go. Holding on to those feelings and allowing yourself to become bitter only hurts you, your husband and your child. Do yourself a favor and let the past go. If the anger and resentment continue to persist then ask yourself if you need to make more changes with the situation, then speak up for yourself and take action...even if that means a Nursing facility. Most important is your Daughters environment, you don't want to allow someone to trample on you in front of her like that, even if they are sick. I feel for you and hope you get the help you need. In the meantime while you wait it might be good to pray about it and ask for help to see this person and the whole situation differently. Instead of focusing on the anger and pain this person brings to you, perhaps you can read up about dementia here and get a better understanding to help you cope. Another thing is if he behaves around your husband maybe it's because he knows your husband won't put up with his BS. When he threatens to walk somewhere he is manipulating you. Instead of being manipulated by him that way, let him walk. In other words don't be so nice because he sees that as a weakness and exploits you. It's sad but sometimes we have to put our foot down even when it goes against our nature to do so.
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JaneB is right. Dementia is bigger than you. It will win. The fact that he can keep it together better with his grandson is fairly common with some forms of dementia -- it is called showtiming and often the patient can put forth enough effort to act "normal" for short periods. They can sometimes even fool a doctor. Visiting family may think the caregiver is exaggerating because the patient doesn't seem so bad to them. Sigh. This showtiming takes a lot out of the person and they may be worse for a while after it. Eventually the dementia takes over too completely for the patient to force "normal" for even brief periods.

If Gramps has dementia, there really isn't any point in asking him what he wants regarding his living situation. What he wants is not to have dementia and to live independently. Or some days he may want to own a baseball team and fly around the country with them and live in hotels. None of his answers are going to be realistic. Because the poor guy can no longer take care of his basic needs, his grandson is going to have to make decisions for him and, just as in raising children, those decisions are not necessarily going to win popularity contests.

Maybe with the program you have him enrolled in, you can continue with home care a little longer. But start discussing what is really best for everyone with your husband now. If may help both of you to learn a little about dementia.

Again, best wishes as you struggle with this.
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Wow! I just read from the first entry to the last about 'aint puttin me in the old folks home" Wow! Your husband needs to take a greater role.

May I suggest a few things that i have learned from all the great people on this site? First of all with dementia it is better to just go along...for example: getting a truck, ask what kind of truck, what features, etc. What kind of job, what do you expect in pay? etc. So if you are positive, the negative should be less.
Next, maybe you can't give him a hug, but how about a stroke on the arm, pat on the back, his grandson should be giving him hugs, his great granddaughter. Affection goes a long way.
Outlets, does he like to build things, read, play games or do puzzles? Dance? Lunch a few times / wk at the Sr. center? Can he play a game with his gr granddaughter? Does he ride a bike (my dad at 83 does so just a question)
When he wants to walk to his sisters, go along with it...do you have a map? better call and let them know you are coming, how are you going to get there, etc. What I am getting at is to try a new approach perhaps. Make it a challenge.
When dementia is at its early stages you think they are still normal and don't know when they are not. It is crazyness as you know.
Your hubby should have power of attorney and take over his finances. Gramps should have $ in his wallet though. Enough but not too much. Men like that.
Find out his interests I think would be helpful. There is so much that you and all of us with dementia relatives are going through. Another thing I have done is gotten my dad an ID bracelet. My dad is past figuring out how to get it off, yours may still be able but down the road.
Also, let your relatives know that he has dementia and may say things but to just laugh them off and change the subject.
Another thought, sometimes people will do things for others they won't do for you. Your hubby should be the one telling gramps to take a shower and take his pills and being the boss. Can your father come down and take gramps for a ride to home depot or other place a man might like if your hubby can't?
He may be of the mind set that men are in charge and women don't know what they are talking about, so men giving the orders (which would explain why the sister booted him) may make a BIG difference. It is certainly worth a try.
I really think your hubby needs to take a MUCH bigger role in this. Anyone else agree with me here?
I know that when my hubby makes suggestions to my dad, he listens and doesn't tell him "I don't want to."
I look forward to hearing what works for you amanda.
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I am not disregarding at all how difficult this must be, and the other good advice given. My post is to re-emphasize what someone else said: You have used the last five years to care for a very difficult man plus do all the other things you are responsible for. I would not call that "lost," although it certainly is not what you would have chosen for those years. You spent five years being caring, responsible, loving, supportive, helpful (to your husband and daughter as well as to your gf-i-l). That is five years of accomplishment under difficult circumstances. The day will come when you will be able to look back and be glad that you did your best to do the right thing, even though it was so difficult.
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Amanda, I wanted to touch on the subject of having a care receiver living with your family, like your gf-i-l (gfil) lives with you and my mom lives with my family. Because it's my mom (I'm an only child, so there are no options for her to live in anyone else's home), I truly try to listen to my husband when he talks to me about his concerns or problems with having a parent live with us. Early in our marriage, my husband's mom lived with us for about a year, then moved nearby as our family grew and we needed room for our children in our small home. His mom was a near-daily part of our lives for about 20 years following. In those days, I appreciated that my husband would listen to my stressors and that we were able to work through the caregiving as a couple. A couple of times we even went to counseling together to help with our stressors as caregivers. Currently, I attend a local support group and try to implement at home the things I learn there. I talk to my husband about what I learn, what I'm trying to accomplish, and why. I also listen to our daughter when she makes observations and suggestions, as she understands our situation quite well. Bottom line, because the care receiver is my relative I try very hard to be sensitive to my own family's comments and concerns. My husband, daughter, and I have family meetings as needed about how to handle this and that with my mother, and I try to make sure they know I hear them and am trying to respond to their concerns in positive ways. There's a very fine balance when a care receiver lives with a family and not just their spouse or one child, because the whole family dynamic is affected. Open communication is one key, and working together toward solutions is another essential factor in family caregiving. It can be bumpy in the beginning as everyone gets used to the new dynamics, what their role is, what their obligations to each other are, and how to work together as a team under the circumstances. If there's a good caregiving group or a good family counselor in the area, it might really help you and your husband find the solutions you are seeking.

Blessings,
Joan
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Amanda, despite your husband's gratitude for his grandparent's care, he needs to get real about this situation. You have a young daughter whose care and raising takes priority. You should both see an elder care attorney, as well as a geriatric care manager who would help you coordinate everything. If you and your husband are the ones taking responsibility for his care (keep uppermost in your mind that his children and his sister have categorically stated they do not want to care for him), then you should have have power of attorney and health care proxy over him. He clearly cannot be allowed to handle money. You will be responsible for it, and maybe give him a weekly allowance so he will feel satisfied. The POA will assure that his other family members can't start dictating to you how you manage his care. At some point (sounds like soon), he needs to go to assisted living whether or not he likes it. If the doctor has documented that he has dementia, he should have no trouble writing a script recommending assisted living care. Again, if you need help with that, the geriatric care nurse should be able to help you coordinate that.
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