Hi..Could use some help. My mom is 83, blind and is not in too good shape. I am her only child and her caregiver for many years. We have a very close relationship. Last week she told me my boyfriend when giving her a hug goodbye shoved his tongue in her ear when I was in the other room getting ready for us to go to the movies. A sitter was right by their side and said he hugged her and gave a kiss on the side of her face but no tongue in the ear. Naturally I told my mom that I while I think she perceived this, I do not think it happened and reminded her that she said last year that her gay hairdresser did it and many years prior a lady neighbor. This is really a weird situation. It has been a huge strain on my relationship with my mom and boyfriend. She says blind people are victimized and she was very angry at my not believing her for days and days..lots of crying and fighting. My boyfriend has been very supportive but naturally I have kept him away. My mom says she would be afraid to be around him again and would have to hide in her room. My mom is quite sharp mentally. But does take ativan a few times a week and hydocodone cough syrup a few times a week as well. Any thoughts greatly appreciated. I am worn out physically and emotionally.
It really is unbelievable how much it hurts and how shocking it is, even when you are supposed to be expecting it...Hope you are Rick are going to be OK, I imagine this is a tough time for him too...just hugs and prayers and thanks for sharing the journey.
been telling my FB friends about this site in case any of their family members are facing the same thing..
I will be around...helping others here too...this is an amazing site!
Poor rick then had to help the nurse move her and take off the wound bandages....Rick closed her eyes and placed her hands on her check and then called me up ...and I held her til the funeral home came.
My mom devoted herself to me and I will love her forever. we promised my dad when he was dying 28 years ago that we would be ok and take care of eachother.......we faced it all ....literally it was the two of us against the world...sickness, blindness, financial problems etc...but through faith and God's help we made it.
This year has been emotionally grueling..but I would not have made it without this support group. I was clueless...as you know...lol....Yes I can laugh about it now, because now I see it was the dementia and I can let go off all the other emotions. of course when you all first told me to start looking at that as a possibility I could not accept it or believe it...but with your encouragement...I was able to get her and myself the help we needed. While it was a difficult time, I am grateful it was not too long. I know she is happy in heaven with my Dad now. And I look forward to being part of this community and helping others with their journeys. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
You are doing a wonderful job and with some help at night you can continue to the end. Concentrate on Mom right now that is all you can cope with. Boyfriend has his own issues but he is a big boy and can seek help for himself not expect you to be his support system right now. After all this is over and you have grieved you can calmly re-evaluate your relationship preferably with some professional help. The hospice SW may be able to help you with this if you get on well with her and/or the chaplain. Mother will probably pass within 24 -48 hours. it is not unusual for a dying person to rally in the days immediately before they pass. Blessings to you and your family
So it's not that his feelings don't matter; it's just that you have things that are even more important that have to claim your attention right now. Let the time pass, and try not to carry forward hard feelings or insensitive words.
Whatever gets said, try not to second-guess yourself. You are doing the best you can in extremely sad circumstances. Just keep going. Big hug.
So I'd just do the best you can, which it sounds to me like you're already doing. Hopefully your mom will find her peace soon and you can find peace with your boyfriend and your relationship. I'd say be as understanding as you can be for now and once things settle down, you can better assess the situation. Now it's just about being there for your mom and doing the best you can to take care of your own emotional needs. Again, hugs to you - you've been through a LOT and this has to be super stressful for you.
I am praying mom will pass very soon, I know if the wounds get worse I may not be able to keep her at home and I know she would be very afraid someplace else.
My boyfriend has been very supportive but tonight when I told him my fears he told me I should have put her in hospice weeks ago, and not put him through this as he is really depressed as it is bringing back his daughter, mom's and sisters deaths....he said I am putting my mom first again and not him...
I was like..really..........to me I want her home as long as I can do it. He is in work all day and is not helping with her care. she is upstairs, he does not see her. He sees the toll on me...but he would see it if I were sitting in hospice all day too.
I told him it should show you how much i would do if you got sick...
I know I am being picky and he has been super loving and supportive all through this but It seems like he feels I am putting her needs first.........and well I am ....she is the one who is dying.
Any thoughts on how I can navigate this?? Thank you ..hugs.
Hugs!
Then she gets it --as I have taped her at times...and it dawns on her how she is acting...
The psychologist is trying...but she called her internist today and is recommending a geriatric psychiatrist..................I know many of you said this before....I just had to figure a way to get her there.
We have about another 30days to go.......hope I make it....lol....
My boyfriend moved in 4th of July and he has been trying with her....he really has..it is not easy..
but to make it even weirder...he got a really good job opportunity.................great...so he has a week off..............so he found a doctor and decided to get off the methadone.......naturally I am proud that he feels that this is something he really wants to do----------------his accident and surgery years ago caused a pain pill addiction.............but I really wanted him free of meds.
So he is doing it now.....lol....seriously I was like ..now??
They are doing it over 90 days with other meds...but he has not been well. But way better than mom...we even went target shopping today. We are told to expect a rough weekend...............and then he should be feeling better monday...I pray so.
Told mom he has a bad tooth --bone infection..
so he is one room essentially knocked out or feeling sick..
and mom is in the other repeating the same things to me when her meds wear off...
I am really tired...lol..but trying to see my counselor next week to update her....
and concentrating on my business.
This is truly a weird time.
For someone who knew nothing about addiction......this is too much...it is so scary how an accident or anxiety can lead to such serious situations that have such repercussions. I feel like I am running a rehab center.....trying to keep my sense of humor..
For anybody who has experience with Ativan.....does the memory come back and when she is off it all...for how long will she be acting weird??
And this winter when the doc needs to put her back on a tranquilizer....he wants to use ativan again............any other suggestions??
thank you!!!
I really want to thank all of you who answered.....I know you must have thought I sounded crazy...lol...but I have never been through anything like this before and I was totally lost...but I am so glad that with your encouragement that I did not give up my boyfriend and kept pushing for help for me and my mom....I hope that maybe my story and input will help others on the forum as well....will be in touch soon!