Hi..Could use some help. My mom is 83, blind and is not in too good shape. I am her only child and her caregiver for many years. We have a very close relationship. Last week she told me my boyfriend when giving her a hug goodbye shoved his tongue in her ear when I was in the other room getting ready for us to go to the movies. A sitter was right by their side and said he hugged her and gave a kiss on the side of her face but no tongue in the ear. Naturally I told my mom that I while I think she perceived this, I do not think it happened and reminded her that she said last year that her gay hairdresser did it and many years prior a lady neighbor. This is really a weird situation. It has been a huge strain on my relationship with my mom and boyfriend. She says blind people are victimized and she was very angry at my not believing her for days and days..lots of crying and fighting. My boyfriend has been very supportive but naturally I have kept him away. My mom says she would be afraid to be around him again and would have to hide in her room. My mom is quite sharp mentally. But does take ativan a few times a week and hydocodone cough syrup a few times a week as well. Any thoughts greatly appreciated. I am worn out physically and emotionally.
Your mother is living in YOUR home, secure in YOUR care. I'm glad you look back on happier times when she was a great mother to you; it's a tribute to her that you remember that fondly and gratefully. But you are already repaying her by providing good care in your home so that she isn't staring loneliness or fear in the face.
Now then. You are not ruining anything. YOU have not upset her. I hope the counsellor will back me up on this - you have to separate what your mother is really upset about - being blind, getting old, being afraid and vulnerable, all perfectly reasonable things - from the paper tigers she's bringing into the house - such as your boyfriend being a sadistic practical joker who would get some kind of kick out of sticking his tongue in the ear of a poor little old lady whom nobody would believe. Oh come on, lighten up - it's funny! As IF???
I know. What is NOT funny is the impact it's having on your and your boyfriend. I'm worried about your mother too, but not in this particular scenario. Uh-uh. She's having a whale of a time making waves and watching you bob about in them.
I'm being sincere, I am sorry for your mother. She's in a sad situation. And she's right - vulnerable people do get victimised in our society, that's why we're all chasing our tails trying to stop it happening. But she is not one of the victims, not in that way anyway. Recognise her legitimate anxieties, but also know when to call b.s. I'm sure your counsellor will be able to give you great techniques for doing that - please let us know how you get on.
If she's raised you so well, she must trust your judgment - you're an adult now and have right to your own life - separate from her. But she's not doing that - she's trying to bully you into doing what she wants you to do. Your mom can make herself happy - you cannot. Only she can do that for herself.
thank you all!
First of all I absolutely agree with everyone who has posted above especially Pamstegman,and won't repeat my previous post.
Your mother did make sacrifices to take care of you when you were sick and support you while you developed your career, BUT thats what mothers do, they protect their younge and when they are grown they tip them out of the nest and do not expect to sit in the nest and wait for the younge to feed them. Some human young when they become sucessful do repay their parents handsomely but others if you have read much here have as little to do with the elder as possible until they die when they are hovering like vultures.
Of course you feel loyalty to your mother and want to care for her she has no one else.Why? She has lived the last thirty years of her life vicariously through you. your sucess was her sucess. You gave her bragging rights you made her feel more important than she really was. My mother was the same way. She would take labels from expensive brand name clothes so she could sew them into her own then leave her coat folded with the label showing. She saved her Christmas cards from year to year and put up the whole collection every year. One year I noticed one from us where I had just signed it with our names and she had written in "with much love" she expected me to write to her every other day. if I missed a day ( I had three young kids at the time I would get a letter that started out with 'I looked for your letter yesterday" I left home at 16 so she lost control then not that she ever really had it.
RW1 your mother took control when you were sick amd vulnerable and you had not idea it was happening, you took it for nurturing and concern and enjoyed the attention but it was actually brain washing. Pam is right Mrs Bates is a good example
You took a very good first etep in seeing a councillor and it was an excellent sign that B/F was willing to go with you. I think you should be continue to go together and seperately. Is your counciller older and experienced - someone who has seen it all before.
Four years is a long time to have been with the same guy so I assume you totally trust him and are secure in your relationship. going forward your loyalty has to shift from your mother who has raised and nurtured you to the male you will bond and mate with and form a secure union. This does not mean abandonig Mom but it does mean loosing the attitude that you owe her anything, there is a big difference between obligation and love. She will stop at nothing to break you up, this good man and any that follow him. You wan't find many that are will to take on and help support a MI and make her part of the famly, but no man will tolerate his intimate nights being interrpoted for frivolous reasons . It is your choice. Blessings So hear goes I am going to hit "Submit" and yes I do ubnderstand.
I can imagine that with her combination of drugs, plus her altered senses, sensations around her get distorted. No doubt she felt something around her ear, but completely misperceived it. And I agree with Ba8alou, if this is happening a lot she must find the world a frightening place sometimes.
About her being angry that you didn't believe her, she's wrong, but you can see why - see above, she's feeling threatened and she wants back up (like we all do from our friends, even if we're not sure we're in the right). I don't know how you normally talk to one another, but if it's possible to be neutral and noncommittal, so that effectively you're avoiding the discussion, I suppose that's the way to go with this and similar crises.
If she says she'll have to hide in her room if your boyfriend visits you (this is your home too, right?), call her bluff. Let her. Pound to a penny she'll do no such thing. Coach your b/f in how to respond if she accuses him to his face - "I'm sorry that you were frightened. I'll be careful not to come too close next time" - but do not allow him to be exiled or yourself to be isolated. Sounds like a key boundary is at stake there.
And, yes, it's time for a full assessment if your mother hasn't already had one. She's having a frightening time, and you're having a hard time - there could be some very helpful answers out there if you can find the right people to ask.
But now it went on for 12 hours with her that I would take a man I only know 4 years over hers and that I have ruined the end of her life and that she will nver feel the same about me and so on. and my boyfriend says he wants a normal life where we were all going to be able to live normally but now that does not look like it will happen as she would be uncalmable if he ever came by to see me. I do not think my mom is a liaror devious...I think she perceived something wrong and is overreacting ...but it is all such a mess. I feel like do I just give up and let him have a normal life with some one else and I just do my work, take care of her and not have anything serious until she is gone? I don't know what is right..but the strain is killing me.....thanks for letting me vent.
You need to redefine your relationship with your mom or you can kiss your boyfriend (and any other man you try to date) goodbye, as you and your mom live in her preferred set-up (just the two of you - you there to serve her). Your mom sounds like she's pretty manipulative and devious. Not attractive traits.
Let her spend the time in her room when B/F comes over. Take her dinner on a tray and make sure you check on her from times to time. Don't let her control your life. this is only the tip of the iceberge and thes perception s are commen when someone has dementia. They become very clingy and may not let caregivers out of their sight. Tell B/F not to touch her again but not because you think he did anything wrong. If this is a long term serious relationship and B/F is a good man don't let mom spoil your life. Jealousy can be a very strong driving force for an elderly frightened person. Definitely get her evaluated and maybe different meds. Let the Dr know the story befor mom is seen.
My own Mother is pretty with it, but she can come up with some unusual stuff. It is time that you start setting boundaries, because things will get worse. Good luck.
Do have her evaluated, and in the meantime make sure he is not alone with her.