So..it’s a very long story. Long story short.
I currently don’t have a job because we think it is time for me to give up my toxic job and get a career change. My husband was selfless enough to help with the mortgage right now and I will be forever in his debt for that. We have been living with my parents because they helped us to get a house together, and things are going okay, even though I know we would prefer to have more privacy and some other minor problems. But now the bigger problem is..because of uncertain events, his mother is now living with us as well.
So now, I have both my parents and his parent living together with us, under the same roof.
From my standpoint, I feel like I really don’t have a say because my husband is already doing this for me. But my parents are not giving me a break at all, especially my mother. She keeps complaining everyday about my mother in law staying here and it’s very inconvenient and uncomfortable. She would say things that are very hard to digest and it’s taking a toll on me. And on my end, I feel like I have no one to talk to about this either because when I bring this up to my husband, we always ended up fighting and the fight might last a few days.
Honestly, I don’t know if this is considered a good thing but we do have a language barrier so when my mom goes on crazy mode, my mother in law doesn’t really know what she’s yelling about and I’m not sure if she’s being smart enough to get the idea. This is just straight up fake optimism right here.
I don’t want to approach my mother in law and appear very hostile about this but I don’t think she is showing any signs of thinking about leaving.
I’m not even sure who to approach anymore. I was hoping that I can find some articles online to see if anything might’ve gone through a similar situation as I did.
If anyone has any opinion about this, please feel free to do so. I am just very over this. I don’t know if I should just give my husband the ultimatum or if I should offer to leave this relationship because of my parents. I don’t know anymore. I just know for sure that I am borderline being very depressed about this.
Thankyou so much to responding to my cry for help.
Okay this does get technical but my parents and my husband helped out with the down payment of the house..so before I quit my job, it was my responsibility to pay off the mortgage each month. So after we decided to do this, he offered to take over the mortgage and the water bill while my parents take care of the rest. Right now because of the whole virus situation, I understand why my mother might be a bit tense because she unfortunately lost her job over that but that’s another whole big chapter on that.
As for my mother in law, she did pay my mom $500 each month as for rent/staying here and eat type of situation. In a way it is frustrating because she was able to find a part time job, but she didn’t seem to be actively looking for a better job so that she can get more money saved up to move out. Without me mentioning anything in front of her, all I see is her telling me oh I don’t have enough money at the moment so..
That sort of leads to my mom crying because she thinks we are using her as a maid when in reality, it’s not like my mother in law didn’t help out with the dishes or it’s not like I’m not there to help her out with anything in the house, you know?
I mean my mom definitely has the right to be mad at me and my husband because of this decision but it’s hard because his mother is alone and I think it was the guilt of thinking that we didn’t take her in.
And please, I couldn’t sleep all night and I went on this page lol so please excuse me for not able to elaborate.
I just don’t know. I did think about giving everyone else the ultimatum by moving out. My mom is the type of person where she will say something to spite at you but she really didn’t mean it, but she’ll say yea move out then, get rid of everything! Sigh.
i know this is difficult, but is there any way for you to go visit a friend or relative for a few weeks? Say, at least 2 weeks?
i offer this because if you can...then talk to your parents and husband...tell them , you are way past burn out on all this and you must take a break or you will end up a complete basket case. Tell Mom that her wild yelling and making scenes is driving you nuts. Tell hubby that his complete failure to support you (fights with you instead) has made you emotionally unable to cope. So...you are taking an extend break from all of them. They can work out amount themselves how to solve this and you will make a point of daily contact.
i bet that once they have to live in your shoes they will all be changing their tune. You can talk till you are blue in the face, but putting them in you situation will be the only lesson that will sink in
i agree with Grace, if your parents own part of the house....then they have an equal say in who lives there. I am sure they never would have agreed to help buy a house that would become so hard for them to live in, But,,,,yelling and making wild scenes isn’t fixing anything. You husband should either have his Mom move, or give back the money to your parents.
Thankyou so much for responding. This is much needed.
I just wish this house never existed sometimes..honestly we got this house because my mom said oh ask your boyfriend (current husband) to invest in a house, it will be worthwhile for the long run. But during that time I was only a cashier so I definitely don’t have money for any type of investment so my husband was the one who said yea we should do this. So because of all the mortgage and bills and all, we really don’t have money saved up like that. As much as we want to just pay her back, it’s just that easy..unfortunately..sigh
And as for my husband not being supportive, I hate this but I agree with you. But what can I do? This is his mother at the end. It’s contradicting to what I’m saying before and I really hate this feeling. It’s not even like I don’t like the woman, it’s just really the situation and I just don’t know how to control it. I’m literally mentally breaking down. I even tried maybe letting my mom just take her frustration out and maybe she’ll get better. That is just not the case. As for my father, I know he loves me and I know he loves my husband, that’s why he didn’t really say anything to me about my husband’s mother..and I think that’s the reason why my parents are fighting so much. It’s just not healthy right now.
Why are you now living with your parents and why did his mom move in?
If your parents are capable of caring for themselves why are you there? If his mom is capable of caring for herself why did she move in?
You all need an "exit plan" When can you and your husband return to your house and resume your lives? When can his mom return to her house and resume her life?
You now know that if your parents need long term care this will not work out, if his mom needs long term care again this will not work. If they all need care you need to decide now that all living together is not an option.
Thankyou so much for your response..the reason that we are living together right now because I already had the mindset that I want to take care of my parents when they get old. And at the time, my husband knows about that too so he respected that. And when my mom approached us about getting a house together, we didn’t really think about it and we said yes. So that’s why we’re living together. The reason why his mother is living with us is because she just recently moved back in town and because rent is so high, she can’t even afford it, so we thought ok we have a house and there is room. At first my parents said no but because they love my husband as their own, they said fine only temporarily but I know they already know that she is here for the long run. It was the problem of we agreed that it was temporary but my MIL seems to think this is permanent. When I mentioned this to my husband, he said we already agreed to her staying here forever but I never said that it was ok for me. I am still young, no children yet. Right now because my parents don’t speak English and my MIL keep asking me for help because my husband isn’t around becAuse of work, I’m very stressed out. All this time I’m thinking if this chaos continues, am I really able to continue this marriage? Am I really able to give birth to a child in this environment?
i truly thought about giving him the ultimatum. I did. Whenever him and I argue, I even tried talking to my MIL and maybe he can talk some sense in to him but she never talks to him about us and makes me feel like she’s hoping that we do get this divorce. Maybe this is not true but everything combined is making me paranoid. I hate this and I feel like everything is my fault.
[when I bring this up to my husband, we always ended up fighting and the fight might last a few days.]
Are you complaining to your husband about his mom or you are talking to your husband about your parents? I’m just trying to figure out what conversation are you two having when things pop off?
[so when my mom goes on crazy mode, my mother in law doesn’t really know what she’s yelling about and I’m not sure if she’s being smart enough to get the idea.]
Are you calling your husband’s mom lacking comprehension? Do you think this tone may be coming across to your husband?
[I am just very over this. I don’t know if I should just give my husband the ultimatum or if I should offer to leave this relationship because of my parents.]
Okay, this is ruff and you’re thinking of leaving the marriage? Are you sure the living arrangement is the problem or had something already been brewing?
Has everyone had a conversation with their own family members in private?
Your husband may feel hurt if you give his mom an ultimatum but then you allow your parents to remain under the care of you both (not so much about house) say if the house wasn’t a factor. Kicking his mom out but not the others may lead to resentment.
I don’t know, this is very, horribly stressful. My stress meter is going up just trying to come up with some ideas.
This is big. You and your husband may need outside help to save the sinking ship – Your Marriage and secondary the relationship with your in-laws.
I would say you and your husband need to get away (he’s feeling something and unheard and so are you) but he may not feel comfortable leaving his mom with your two parents.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.
thank you very much for your response..I thought about that too..but my problem is I live in NYC..sadly mortgage is cheaper than renting..I really thought I was doing the right thing by taking his mother in and have my parents understand that it’s not going to be an issue..but this became something that apparently I have no control over
It looks like because your parents helped with the down payment, Mom thinks she owns the house too. And there seems to be a cultural thing here. I would love to know your ages. Makes a difference in how we answer your questions. Best solution, everyone get a place of their own. But that is easier said than done, huh. And now this virus.
If possible, you and husband need to go for a drive. Find a little off the road place where you can talk. Start by saying you don't want to fight but you need to both figure out what you are going to do about you all living together. If you are young, you deserve your privacy. I would not bring kids into this mix. Having 3 adult women in one household is not good.
Was ur Mom and Dad living there a permanent thing?
I know this will not be easy.
thank you very much for your response..I was just replying to techie that I really don’t know how to seriously approach this..and all I really needed is for someone to talk to me and I thought that person is my husband because it’s part of the picture and the person that I thought I can trust and depend on..I don’t know..I really need someone to reach out to..
I'm not much of an advocate of leaving a marriage because there are problems. First you work on resolving the problems. If during the process of working on problem resolution, you find characteristics of your spouse you didn't see before, maybe then you decide the marriage is not sustainable in the long term.
Although your mother has a solid basis for a complaint about your MIL basically freeloading (since MIL is not contributing and your mother invested money in the purchase of the home and is now covering most of the monthly expenses), that does not give your mother some kind of right to "go off" and verbally and perhaps emotionally abuse other members of the household. Maybe she's taking this path because she feels early and more low keyed airings of her concerns were ignored? What ever the reason, this behavior needs to stop ASAP.
I understand your husband wanting to include his mother in your home, but that didn't give him a right to bring her into the home for an indefinite period without agreement from the other stake holders, particular when MIL is not contributing to monthly expenses. If that's what happened, then he needs to accept this was a mistake and apologize to you and your parents. Remember one of the adjustments to marriage is learning certain choices no longer have single decision makers and many husbands/wives make a similar mistake. Your parents have an absolute right to feel taken advantage of if they are expected to cover expenses for someone they never agreed could join the household or asked and appreciated for taking up the extra load.
You, your parents, and your husband need to negotiate both a short term and a long term plan. First step is probably agreeing MIL cannot stay indefinitely without at least covering her portion of the living expenses. Maybe you need to find a new job even without the career change to ease some of the financial stress - could your husband cover his mother's portion of monthly expenses if he wasn't paying the mortgage? The long term plan should include MIL moving out so what things need to happen to make that possible - she finds a job, qualifies for SS, moves in with other family member?
Don't start a discussion when you are upset and have just taken a grilling from your mother. Schedule a time when you and your husband are both calm and can talk without interruption for 30-60 minutes. You might want to consider finding some spot away from the house for this discussion. If you cannot find somewhere with a table, maybe just parking the car somewhere would work. Work at approaching this as a team. Maybe start making a list of problems (without any attempt at assigning blame to any of them) you both see. Discuss whether someone has a logical basis for a complaint (like you mother supporting MIL) and then trying to come up with options to lessen or resolve that complaint/issue.
If the two of you cannot have a reasonable discussion or resolve issues by yourselves, please consider engaging a mediator or investing in some couples counseling to develop better communication in your marriage. Men often feel "attacked" when stating a problem exists so make sure you approach this as _our_ little mess. I think your husband made at least one significant mistake contributing to your problems, but so has your mother and I'm sure you have too. The goal should not be placing blame nearly as much as finding solutions.
Good luck!
Thankyou so much for your response..at this point I am just so tired..probably this platform doesn’t allow people to switch numbers here but damn I seriously need a talk..I’m just overall depressed and I just don’t know what I should even do. I thought about divorce, I did, because I felt like he doesn’t want to care about what I have to saw and how I feel about anything. I just felt very disposable even after all I have done to take care of his mother. I just don’t know anymore
In my experience men do not like to discuss problems they can't solve. I'm not saying they won't, just that they would rather chew aluminum foil.
So I would suggest that you and your husband find a family counselor to help you discuss this. You can find people who will do virtual meetings. Your husband needs to hear this problem without hearing "you need to throw your mom out on the street." Which is what I think he might be hearing when you say "My mother has a problem with our new arrangement."
Also, I think you are bearing too much of the angst here. You didn't do anything wrong. Your mom is not wrong to object to an addition to the family and your husband wasn't wrong to offer his mother a bed in his home when she didn't have one. Everyone acted in good faith. You didn't do anything wrong at all. You would have this same problem if you were bringing in the money for the mortgage and not your husband. His mom needed a place to stay and your husband and you have a home.
If family counseling isn't possible, maybe you can ask your husband how he is feeling about having an extra member in the house and just listen. I'm willing to bet this arrangement isn't his first choice either. You say you want to discuss this with him. Maybe he'd like someone to listen to him too. You are a team.
You aren't in charge of making your mother happy with this arrangement. It's not your job. It's unfortunate, but frankly, your mom is the one who suggested this arrangement originally. You said you hope to have children. So adding other members of the family was part of the original deal, right? She just didn't expect it to be another mother.
Approach this problem by your husband's side. That's my advice.
thank you for your response..I tried talking to my husband about this..and he keeps asking me what is the actual problem because there is no problem. He would say that my parents are about to retire anyways so there really is no discussion. So obviously from that point I feel like I’m being shut off and not allows to express anything that I’m feeling. So confrontation started and that’s how our fights usually started. I told him we need a counselor then he would go well I’m not paying for it. Nice right? This is why when things go bad, I can’t help but think we really should get a divorce.
I can't form any opinion. Not even about the job. I'd take your word for it - toxic job, for heaven's sake leave and get another - except for the "...we think it is time..." part. Who's "we"? And in what way toxic?
Call me an old cynic, but I have met more ladies than I care to count whose jobs have been discarded because they took time and commitment away from, how can I put it, other parties who believed they deserved the time and commitment.
One lady I was particularly fond of blamed her fiancé's infidelity on her job. It was, apparently, all the job's fault. The job made him do it, your honour - the poor lamb felt so left out and lonely, you see. She went right ahead and married the man anyway. I noticed her maiden name on Linked In not long ago but of course you can't read too much into that.
Anyhoooooo.
How long have you been married?
Which side is the non-English speaking family, yours or his?
When you say uncertain circumstances, do you mean you don't understand what they are or that you're not sure if or when they will become clear/resolve?
Are you thinking of kicking him and his mother out? - and remaining with your parents? You can't feel that indebted to him, then!
It all seems a bit of a muddle. What's your mother's main beef with your ma-in-law?
What would you *like* to happen?
I think that you are married to your mom and that is a very bad situation for your husband. You are thinking about divorcing him because your mom is chewing on you about your MIL. What?
You say that they are all living with you guys, yet your parents seem to be running the show. Who actually owns the house? Who actually pays the mortgage? Most importantly whose name is on the deed and title? This situation is a perfect example of how not to start a marriage.
I kinda side with your husband. He is living in his house, he should be able to help his mom. If this isn't his house and it is really your parents then you need to clarify the situation. He should be respected enough by you to know the truth about his home.
You don't honestly think that his mom is going to side with you about her not being able to live in her sons home do you?
Who is she paying rent to and does it cover the cost of her being there? If not, that needs to be addressed by her son. However, are your parents paying their fair share or do they believe that the help provided covers their living there for the rest of their lives at you and your husbands expense?
From what you described it appears that your parents are head of household. If you don't want to remain with your husband then grow up and tell him so that he can make choices. If you want to work it out you are going to have to tell your mother to sit down and shut up. Who treats someone staying in their home like they are an unwanted guest when it is the mother of someone you profess to love? If she really loves him she will be kind to his mom and be willing to work this out until she can get back on her feet.
Be prepared to pay your husband his share of equity in the house. He is entitled to it since he has been paying the mortgage.
I really hope that you take an honest look at what is really going on, who is really the home owner and what you can do to be gracious to your MIL. Because he will never feel kindly towards your parents ever again if you and they force his mom out. So think about it.
Are any of the four parents living with you paying anything toward the household? Both sets should be contributing equally (not necessarily monetarily, depending on their finances). If everyone involved is able bodied, the household chores should be balanced according to ability.
I agree, a family meeting should be in order. Figure out fair division of everything. Just because you aren't currently working doesn't mean you should do it all. I'm retired, and my husband is not. Doesn't mean he gets off scott free around the house. I certainly do more, as I'm home all day, but he still has to help out.
Best of luck!